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Saturday, February 21, 2015

21 Feb

Stuck in on a Saturday. Freezing and snowing makes it undersirable to venture out, I made it to yoga this morning. Was supposed to run a couple miles and run errands and I didn't. I'm avoiding something I HAVE to do that is super unpleasant. Too unpleasant to address at this time. Opened a bottle of wine and I guess this will be how I spend my day. The clock is ticking on my deployment. It will be here before I know it and no matter how prepared I am, I'll not be prepared at all. I am looking forward to only worrying about surviving. Keeping my head down. Cut off from my norm. AF is a mental vaca for me. Life here will go on. My life will stand still. When I get back, I won't know where to turn. I will just have to walk off into the sun. I just need to heal and I'm not getting that opportunity here. I am such a different animal now. Need to learn who I will be. How to adjust to a life that is completely foreign to the life I've always known. Maybe I won't make it back. I am so cool with that possibility too. No more worries. No more anything except a legacy as a war hero. I'll take it. People will only say nice things after I'm gone. People who wouldn't lift a finger to show a resemblance of caring. People who I didn't like, will speak of all the good times we've had. Every asshole who abused me or stabbed me in the back will feel redemption by attending my final good byes. Fuck everybody. That should be on my tombstone. Except I've already made my arrangements. No tombstone. No anything. Maybe a funeral program with my middle finger. Appropriate. I love a handful of people. So much my heart could burst. There will be no doubt in their mind that I loved them. I know they loved me too. There will be no need to prove anything and those few will see right through any bullshit. 
Crazy, I'm speaking as if I won't come back? Oh well. One can hope. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Then there is that moment...

When your ex does a total douchebag thing. On Facebook. Disrespecting you. Making him look like a complete dick. In front of all your friends. So glad I took the risk of being with a someone I trusted. Lesson learned. There is no such thing as loyalty. Fuck this. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

2015

This was a great day... Much needed. Much love. No other thoughts but fun. New Year's Day has become the favorite day. Although I didn't hang with the usual crew, I checked a another thing off the bucket list. Thanks to my good friend Joe V for making this a possibility. We danced for hours all through the streets of Philly with a sick band from New Orleans. No sadness over missing my boy. No sadness of another failed relationship. No worry for the future. I Just danced. It's a great way to start over. Thanks universe. Such a gift to be given. 









Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Good news/Bad news

Who really knows? My baby is healthy and happy living at the beach. I'm standing by. Waiting for the good times. Today is better than yesterday, but tomorrow could be catastrophic. I half way breathe. Half way live. Waiting. This is my life. Didn't expect it. Didn't prepare for it. Have no escape or fix it plan. 
Today is Christmas. I spent all day by myself. I wanted it this way. I wanted to check out. One forced "Merry Christmas " call to the mother. Calls and texts with baby boy. Texts from well wishers. That's it. Good news is baby boy hit 100 days clean a couple days ago. He can never come back here. Ever. Not even for a visit. He found a new addiction. Working out. He never stepped foot in a gym until this go around. Fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness has been the focus of this recovery process. Meetings every day. Working in a swank spot. I am grateful for this gift. The anxiety is now a permanent part of me. I can't shake it. 
Went back and forth with the bf. I kept trying. Things were good sometimes and now things are very bad. As I stand now, I want absolutely no contact. Bull shit "Merry Christmas" text that went ignored. That only pissed me off. I was stupid again and funded the trip for the 2 of us to visit Michael next month. I paid airline, car rental, and hotel. Again. Not once has he ever taken me anywhere. I have paid for EVERY vaca or weekend away. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I would like him to be completely out of my life for 2015. Should be easy. I'm going to Afghanastan. I was also stupid enough to ask him to take care of things for me while I'm gone. Even asked for an in name only marriage. There is a substantial amount of money to be made if you're married. Plus I need a power of attorney. I will not give that to a bf. Of course he said "no". Said he didn't want to lose half his shit again. WTF! I don't want what he has! Proof in how I fund everything. I don't ever want to live under the same roof. So, bottom line, he will never be what I need him to be. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a support system for me. I can't count on him. But for some reason, I am always disappointed when I find out this hard lesson over and over again. Einstien's theory of insanity. 
Since last I wrote, Michael got clean and just for today, he is happy, clear headed, employed, working his program, supported by a community, focussed on getting what he lost back, planning to get back in school, and taking advantage of not being in Philly. 
I have been promoted again. It's pretty rare to make it to SSG in under 5 years. Haters gonna hate, but they're just fat and lazy shit bags. So fuck em. Got recommended for this dope, preteigious gig in AF. I'm nevous not because of going to a horrible country where they hate us. Or the stir crazy boredom I'll have to endure not being allowed outside the gate for 9 months. I'm nervous because I don't know the crew I'm going with. I've never met them. What if they suck and I have no escape? Luckily, being in JAG is intimidating to peeps. So I'm hoping that will make people behave appropriately towards me. 
I had to quit my job. That was tough. I've been working on this mission for 2 1/2 years already. I built my portion. I busted my ass to get my piece to where it is. It's done. I can pass it off to anyone. I am proud of the job I did. Built it from nothing . Now it's the SOP mission wide. We did great work together. There's nothing left for me to do. 
I need change. I can't be stagnant. I have to have a challenge. I have to complete stuff that most people never will. That is my motivation. When that tour is over, Philly will no longer be home. Perfect credit, no debt, and mad $$$ in the bank? I'm putting my ass in the sand too. This time I am really ready to break up with Philly. I find little to no joy here. Bad memories cloud any good ones. If my baby can't come here, it's no longer home. It's become a place I used to live. I just wish I could take my dope crib with me. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'll try to focus on the light

The boy reached out a week ago. I haven't heard his voice in 6 months. He's sick, but I see a glimmer of hope. He is hating his situation. No one would like the life he lives. I just keep repeating "you're bag is packed. I picked a facility. I will come get you right now". 
Many excuses not to go. I just repeat the same thing. I explain we have nothing to talk about until he's ready to get help. I send a text every morning that says something to the effect of "great day to get clean" or at night "you could wake up tomorrow with day one down". Sometimes he answers me. Sometimes not. I do not engage in his tales if woe. I just keep repeating the same shit. I see a light. I need to keep it up. 

I got another promotion. Staff Sergeant (SSG) Kelly. It's pretty rare to get to this rank in less than 5 years of service. I out rank people who have been in for 15+ years. So I am expecting some haters. Theses haters are either fat, lazy, or flagged. Can't or won't put in a promotion packet for one of those reasons. But they'll have plenty of reasons why I don't deserve it. Over 100 people have sent me kind words of "Congrats". They were genuine sentiments. That I am grateful for. Also more money and more power with a side of bragging rights ain't bad either. I like my new rank. Now I need to focus on getting the next one. 

I ended up getting refunded for purchases that I wasn't satisfied with totaling $500 that I was not expecting. That was pretty dope. 

My new running shoes just came. I'm excited to test them in the morning. I can already tell my performance will improve because of the fit. It's the little things I guess. 

So, this is the first time I wrote in the longest that I was not an anxiety ridden mess. So? Grateful for that too. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Never get used to disappointment

After this year and this lifetime, I would think the blows would be a little softer. Why when things are at their worst, do the hits keep coming? I know when you're positive, positive things happen. Same goes on the flip side. But how do you find joy when your baby is an active addict? I sit in limbo waiting for him to die or to live. My life stands still. I isolate and only interact with a handful of people. I try to keep it moving, fake the funk. Hide this tragedy because talking leads to waterworks. I am a vampire. 

That being said, I am finding people I loved and cherished are nothing more than another let down. Without even being around. Without interaction, I am betrayed. Hurt. By people who do not even know the situation. Is it because my sparkle is gone? I don't know. I do know that this is a miserable existence, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Then again, even if they did the right thing by me, it wouldn't make a difference. I'm not interested in coffee clutches or happy hours. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. 

Thank you again universe. 


Monday, August 11, 2014

Date

I had one. I fucked it up. I was so nervous. I didn't/couldn't eat. Add alcohol. = disaster. I'm an ass. I can only laugh about it. Too bad tho. He was cute and funny. No kids. All his hair. Damn. I am not ready for this. But I'm so lonely. I want to make out with a hottie. Snuggle up to a new guy. Feel giddy. We'll see how long it will take for me to do this again. Uuuggghh