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Thursday, September 11, 2014

I'll try to focus on the light

The boy reached out a week ago. I haven't heard his voice in 6 months. He's sick, but I see a glimmer of hope. He is hating his situation. No one would like the life he lives. I just keep repeating "you're bag is packed. I picked a facility. I will come get you right now". 
Many excuses not to go. I just repeat the same thing. I explain we have nothing to talk about until he's ready to get help. I send a text every morning that says something to the effect of "great day to get clean" or at night "you could wake up tomorrow with day one down". Sometimes he answers me. Sometimes not. I do not engage in his tales if woe. I just keep repeating the same shit. I see a light. I need to keep it up. 

I got another promotion. Staff Sergeant (SSG) Kelly. It's pretty rare to get to this rank in less than 5 years of service. I out rank people who have been in for 15+ years. So I am expecting some haters. Theses haters are either fat, lazy, or flagged. Can't or won't put in a promotion packet for one of those reasons. But they'll have plenty of reasons why I don't deserve it. Over 100 people have sent me kind words of "Congrats". They were genuine sentiments. That I am grateful for. Also more money and more power with a side of bragging rights ain't bad either. I like my new rank. Now I need to focus on getting the next one. 

I ended up getting refunded for purchases that I wasn't satisfied with totaling $500 that I was not expecting. That was pretty dope. 

My new running shoes just came. I'm excited to test them in the morning. I can already tell my performance will improve because of the fit. It's the little things I guess. 

So, this is the first time I wrote in the longest that I was not an anxiety ridden mess. So? Grateful for that too. 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Never get used to disappointment

After this year and this lifetime, I would think the blows would be a little softer. Why when things are at their worst, do the hits keep coming? I know when you're positive, positive things happen. Same goes on the flip side. But how do you find joy when your baby is an active addict? I sit in limbo waiting for him to die or to live. My life stands still. I isolate and only interact with a handful of people. I try to keep it moving, fake the funk. Hide this tragedy because talking leads to waterworks. I am a vampire. 

That being said, I am finding people I loved and cherished are nothing more than another let down. Without even being around. Without interaction, I am betrayed. Hurt. By people who do not even know the situation. Is it because my sparkle is gone? I don't know. I do know that this is a miserable existence, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Then again, even if they did the right thing by me, it wouldn't make a difference. I'm not interested in coffee clutches or happy hours. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. 

Thank you again universe. 


Monday, August 11, 2014

Date

I had one. I fucked it up. I was so nervous. I didn't/couldn't eat. Add alcohol. = disaster. I'm an ass. I can only laugh about it. Too bad tho. He was cute and funny. No kids. All his hair. Damn. I am not ready for this. But I'm so lonely. I want to make out with a hottie. Snuggle up to a new guy. Feel giddy. We'll see how long it will take for me to do this again. Uuuggghh

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Just had to make a list

Reasons we broke up and should stay that way:

1. His wants/needs/problems are bigger than me and mine

2. He says things that hurt me. Makes no apologies

3. He invents problems. Imagines I am someone I'm not, doing things I didn't do. I defend myself

4. He is very angry

5. He can't show me kindness or understanding even if I beg

6. He makes me feel like I deserve abuse

7. He throws me away and makes sure I know I'm worthless and unloved

8. He has told me to kill myself when I was already on the ledge

9. He never made a plan, booked a trip, took me anywhere

10. I paid a lot

11. I went to bed sad often

12. He started talking to me like I was shit in front of other people

13. Xmas I spoiled his kids. He got me and mine crap from 5 and below

14. He abuses me through text. Makes threats. Tries to force me to admit to things I would never do

15. His perception of a situation is so off base and crazy. I would never know what set him off. I would have a wrath to deal with if he imagined I threw the remote at him, or he didn't like my answer

16. He calls me names like "pig" ,"whore", and "cunt"

17. He stopped seeing me as his friend and treated me like an enemy

18. He stopped holding my hand in public

19. He screamed at me often

20. Would NEVER listen. Wether it was verbally, thru text, or email, he would not hear me. He was always right. I was always wrong. I spent too much time saying "that's not what happened"

21. I cried a lot the last few months. Sobbing, broken, cries. It made him meaner

22. He punished me often. Needed me to know that I was an awful person

23. What I needed was never considered. And all I needed was compassion

24. My last birthday, as I was driving in a storm, he screamed at me on the way to meet friends for dinner. I pretended to be fine, then I paid for him too

25. I took him away for an entire week. I planned it. Paid for it. And drove the 10 hours one way. He still managed to ruin it. Started a horrible fight after he went fishing all day ( the only time he paid for anything), on the way to a couples massage I was paying for. Jumped out of the car and left me. Never even said "thank you"

26. After a break for a little, grape flavored vodka showed up in his house. He had many excuses on how it got there. None of which were the truth. I wasn't mad that he had a young piece of white trash over. (No decent woman would drink that swill) it was the last straw in how he handled it. He screamed at me loud enough for all the neighbors to hear, called me names, and discarded me for the last time. That was it. I was finally done. He had made it exactly 3 days before doing everything he said he wouldn't do again. 

27. He yelled at me on Xmas eve in front of my son to "shut the fuck up" because I said "shhhhh" after he was banging stuff and woke us up. Michael and I laid there in the basement, wide awake. Feeling so uncomfortable. Unwelcome. Hated. The next morning when Michael and I got out of his and the kids way, and went upstairs while they opened their gifts, he threw the cheap gifts he got, at us. Merry Christmas to us. Later, I drove Michael to his family's, and I went to my friends house, he went on to tell me how I ruin every holiday. I believe I was called a "cunt" that day too. 



I needed to write it out. Sometimes your brain only shows the good memories. Adjusting to the single life is hard. Being with a man that makes you feel so unloved is worse. I haven't cried since I left him that day. Since, I found out I'm getting promoted. I started my next level of military education. I booked a solo yoga retreat. I may be getting a part time roommate putting my finances  in a better spot. Looking into real estate investing. Going to therapy faithfully. I still haven't come close to a date. I don't know when I'll feel ok about that. I really don't care. I want my son back. I have no control over that. I could control what I allow in my life. I needed support. Someone to lean on. 

I used to think that if he knew how much he hurt me, he would stop. I now know he knew how much I hurt. Those tears and words were real. He didn't care. He liked to watch me fall. He believed I deserved it. He got stronger after each incident. It didn't kill me, so he kept on. I think he was seeing just how much I could take before I broke. He got close. I really investigated ways to stop myself from ever waking up. I found ways to leave a pretty corpse, but by the time anyone knew I was missing, I wouldn't be so pretty. I need to feel better. I don't need more weight when I'm drowning. I was begging for a life raft and he was throwing anvils. The last conversation we had was over a week ago. After 2 weeks of ignoring insulting, degrading texts I was ready to block him at the suggestion of my shrink. I was a bag of anxiety. I use my phone as an alarm clock. The days before it was one manipulation after another. "Tell me you fucked him and I'll leave you alone". I almost wanted to say I did, but that's what he wanted and I wasn't about to admit to something I didn't do, to give him more ammunition.  I ignored and deleted every text so I wouldn't have to keep seeing his disgusting words. So 4:20 am comes around, alarm goes off and "you're a fucking pig" are the first words I see. You really don't know just how much that effects you until you start to talk about it. I didn't know how I carry it around. I told my shrink about it. I don't really speak of him much. I didn't want her to know exactly how much I took. She suggested I block him. That I need to save myself right now. That wasn't love and how much that is weighing me down during a time I need to be lifted up. I never blocked anyone before. I waited for the next text and I would do it. Nothing. For over a week. Then the "miss you" love you" bs texts start coming. I continue to ignore it. The phone rings and I answer.

 I had made a point months before that I will not engage I stupid fights and attacks via text. That it was cowardly. If you can't say it, don't bother. So out of respect and the rule I made, I answered the phone. I don't even remember what he said. I do remember the humility in his voice. A different approach then his previous failed attempts. No anger. The loving voice. I didn't budge. I was strong. No more contact. No calls. No texts. Nothing. I will block you from getting to me. I don't care to hear your side anymore. It doesn't matter. I will not be made to feel like the lowest form of life by the dude who "loves" me. I don't care what or who you do. You are not my problem anymore. I'm no longer yours. I don't love you. You've made it impossible. Go away. 

A couple more texts saying he didn't cheat in me. I never said he did. Never made that an issue. But he would never admit to being wrong, so defend yourself against something I could give a shit about? Again, heard nothing I ever said. I ignored those texts too. And... That was it. Peace.  One week and one day of peace. Aaaahhhhhhhhh.


I feel better again...



Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Meds

I'm not sure if the meds have finally started working, or time, in fact heals? But the panic, heartbreak, anxiety is not here today. Things are still the same. I can't say I'm happy. I will say I don't need to talk myself off a ledge today. 

I was looking at my "favorite ex boyfriend's" fb page. He's a dad now, making wedding plans. I feel nothing but happiness for him. I got a text earlier from a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. He's engaged to his longtime boyfriend. I've paid attention to his growth and happiness over the past couple years, and I had genuine joy for him. I can be happy for people. I didn't think I could. Not with the sadness that is my reality. It feels good not to feel bad for a minute at a time. 

I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. I don't care. Small victory today.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Last Half

I completed another Half Marathon in Wildwood Nj. My time was bad, of course I'm hurting today, but reality was not part of the weekend. 
I found us a house close to the boardwalk and start line. We had family dinner, rode some rides, bar hopped, and all made it across the finish line. Friendships were made, there were some "good byes", lots of laughs, and no mention of my life and hardships. 
I needed this escape. I felt good the entire time. Except the actual running part. That sucks. The reason for this being my last? I knew 2 weeks ago, after running the Broad Street Run, that it is time for me to check my ego and face the facts. I'm too old for this. Shit hurts. Not just the normal pain you get from working out, bone/ joint pain. Recovery takes longer. My performance ain't what it used to be.I love the bonding, but the bragging rights go away when each run takes longer and longer to cross that line.  

Here I am. Back in my bed. Dreading my life and what tomorrow brings. Waiting for these meds to take effect. I was told 2 weeks to 30 days. 2 more days to reach 2 weeks. I can't imagine what they'll do. I was always against drugs. Believed I was supposed to feel everything. 2 docs disagree. No one is supposed to feel this pain 24-7. My hair is turning grey over night. My worry lines get deeper by the minute. I have no plans for the future. I don't care about tomorrow. Just exist one second at a time. I wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up. I had a good life. Key word being "had". If this is how my remaining days are going to pan out? There's no point in this. I am just taking up space. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

No title

I can't think of how to begin or how to end or what goes in between. I'll never get used to people you trust stabbing you in the back. Always seems to come when you're at your lowest. Blindsided. Like... WTF? Then you find who is really your friend. In your darkest hours. 

Things are the worst they can be. I shouldn't say that. I'm begging for more weight with that statement. I will never forgive or forget how some showed their true colors during this time. I'm defeated. Ok life, you win. I'm crying "UNCLE"! I'm tapping out. I submit.

On medication for sleep. Medication to get out of bed. Medication to hold a thought. This is a miserable existence. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through the motions. Lights are on but nobody is home. This is not depression, it's devastation. Agony that has no end. I am good to no one. I can't even save myself. Stay away from me. I'm drowning and may pull you under with me. 

All difficult times in my life had an ending. I could adjust to make the magic happen. I have no control of this. It controls me. I can't fix it. It's killing me.