i have amazing people in my life that keep me laughing. but no one to rely on. these are the days when i realize, if there was a family in my life, i wouldnt be in my situation. i am alone. but surrounded by people.
there is no one i can ask for help. or to lean on. no one has my back. even the people who think they do, do not. i am too far gone for saving.
i see no way out. even the city i love, disappoints me. eagles signing michael vick? what? philly closing their libraries? really? cutting back on cops and fireman? how?
rape and murder in the news everyday. crime is out of control. less police on the streets? less fireman protecting us? so we are left dumber, and more unsafe then yesterday. i want to run away.
the "bad" in people is way more on the surface then ever before. in the last two weeks, i have been devastated by someone who pretends to bring "blessings and peace". this is not the first time i drank the kool aid of someone pretending to be good. hiding behind a phony awareness and light. i am now convinced anyone who claims to be enlightened, is a crumb.
and what's so annoying, a man from my past, insists on spewing silly positive bullshit to me thru emails. i know its fake. hes a toxic ass. who is now trying to prove how different and spiritual he is. how he is doing amazing things and is happy. i fell for all this before. its bullshit. hes sick in the head. but way to narcisistic to ever realize he ain't what he thinks he is. delusional. and it pisses me off that he believes hes selling me this silly snake oil. that all of a sudden, he's a stable, successful, centered man. im calling bullshit.
as an adult and a mother. i am a failure. my son is perfect, but i cant do for him like a parent should. too many knock downs to ever get back up. i need a miracle. but jesus doesnt know me. i need family, but that wont happen. i need a break. but i havent had one of those in a very long time.
spinning my wheels and getting no where. believing in people who take advantage of me. who break me. like im nothing. fo sport. story of my life.
i need to be alone. disappear. vanish.
