im not quite sure. but im on a quest to figure it out.
love for my son is a given. its not something you choose, it chooses you. unconditional, unstoppable, overwhelming at times, but a blessing. bonded forever. willing to go to the ends of the earth. and be proud to do it. my greatest accomplishment. my shining star. i am a lucky girl.
love for my dog. a dogs only purpose in life is to love and be loved. perfect. innocent. undying loyalty that you can not find in people. it doesnt hurt that shes a crazy, lil, freak.
but who else? then i thought about it. i love so many people. some whos names i never knew. some i never met. friends who made me laugh til i hurt or cry til my heart bleeds. strangers who lended a hand or told a story to put lifes crazy bullshit into perspective. babies who smile at me or an old man who called me "sweetheart" in the most sincere way. life long friends who know all my ugly but still appreciate me. new aquaintences who take the daily pressures of life away and make you forget about the trials and tribulations if only for a short while. "enemies" who did me so dirty. broke my spirit for periods of time. taking my confidence away. making it almost impossible to trust again. almost. unfortunately, there are lots of them out there. i realize i love them for making me see the opposite of them in others. the good in people. the light from inside. teachers, firemen, police, military, philanthropists. unsung, quiet heroes who do whats right, but take no recognition for it. kind, positive, souls who restore my faith in human kind.
i used to think i was fine alone. gaurded. shut off emotionally from anyone who tried to get close. a hard candy shell. in control of any situation. im slowly breaking down that wall and trying to let love in. and by love? i dont mean the "happily ever after" kind. the "til death do us part" is not my style. i think love is a series of people who impact your life in a positive way. it comes in many forms. many circumstances.
family to me was a negative word. recently, in a crazy chain of events, im reconnecting with my past. im open to what will be. i hope that cycles are broken. but im not niave. here i will have to stay gaurded. survival tactic. i cant allow others to make me feel small anymore. im learning to love. trying to love myself. trying to teach myself that i deserve to be happy. supported. uplifted . and i caznt expect people cant do that for me, i have to do it for myself. but i can be strong enough to not let anyone break me again. so here lies the struggle...
how do i let love in and not risk being hurt? can i be hurt anymore? is it too late for me to feel? the things i have let people do to me in the past has left me too "tuff". i know that cant be a good thing. strong is good. strong to the point of bitter? not so good. i hope this new journey will take all outside influences out of the equation. force me to focus on myself. learn who i am. what i want. who i want to be. and who i want to share that with. i always thought i couldnt change. i can hear myself saying it out loud to people who tried to get close "this is me, this is all i got. i cant change. take it or leave it" i have a feeling, 6 months away from it all, i am going to change. lets just hope its for the better.
i hope when i come back, i find out truley who my friends are. who actually "loves" me. i wont be the same. it would be impossible to be. i will be changed. that is a definite. only time will tell. looking forward to finding out these answers. its a crazy life. with so much good. but i have spent too much time focussing on the bad. that ends now. its a new day. with a new theme. a new song. a new me. well, its a new day. we can start there.
