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Friday, September 2, 2011

adderal,monogamy,and handguns

I have always been one to take my A.D.D. As an advantage. It made me interested in everything and everyone. But it was never good for sustaining relationships or reaching my potential. My boyfriend when I was 25, was one of the first people to notice I had the attention span of a gnat. He used to say "follow the ball! Follow the ball!" In a voice you would use when teasing a dog. There was no such thing as ADD growing up. My first report card said "lacks self control". Every teacher would say that I was a smart girl but didn't apply myself. I was considered lazy. A trouble maker. But my quick wit and charming demeanor made me popular. I graduated 10th from last from St. Huberts Catholic High School for Girls. And trust me, that was not a grade full of rocket scientists. After I realized there was something wrong with me, something I couldn't control, I started to use it. Working 2-3 fast paced jobs that changed every minute. Trained for endurance sports, took classes, had hobbies, and raised a kid. Constant movement and learning. Never let grass grow under my feet. I also used the help of marijuana maintenance. Going into the military, that treatment was no longer an option. Trying to manage the ADD with no help, I was being crippled. I couldn't hold a thought for a second. I would watch peoples lips move but the words would never register. It was getting so out of control I couldn't sleep or just finish simple daily tasks. I broke down and went to a shrink. Now I'm legally on amphetamines. Its crazy how adderal works. I know what "normal" people feel like now. And I don't always like it. I can accomplish things I could never do before. I'm focused all the time. One thing at a time. But the trade off... I'm boring as hell. I no longer chase shiny objects, lost my swivel head. I used to practice yoga(another ADD treatment) several times a week, now? Never. Not once in 5 months. I am not motivated to find fun. Boy crazy gone. The need to keep it moving is no more. Its an adjustment. I don't know this mck. I don't know if I like her, but there were a lot of things I didn't like about the old one. On days I don't need my brain so much, I don't take it. Just so I can connect to the real me again. I like the 15 lb weight loss and being on the deans list. But I feel so uninteresting. Its crazy how weed was my treatment before and that's not allowed so I have to take actual drugs. Oh well.
Monogamy! Yeah so I'm in love. Its so crazy. But very real. We preceded with caution. Friends for 25 years with mad history. We started hanging out with no intention of any of this happening. Then it did. Even in the beginning we ignored it like it wasn't going on. Then before we knew it, "I love you's". We have no reason to play games. We know each other too well. I would never hurt him. I know he would never hurt me. He is the most stand up man I have ever met. I didn't know I was looking for this and then I found it. A combination of comfort and butterflies. An actual partner in crime who I trust. I haven't trusted anyone in a very long time. Then again no one ever gave me reason to trust them. I have no reason to look for anyone else. He makes me happy and when he's near me a have a permanent smile. We know each other better than family and we still dig each other. I don't know how this will play out. Successful relationships are not something I know about. But then again, I have never been in this position. No regrets. It feels too good to ever wish it away. Stay tuned for updates.
Handguns! Now I sleep with one. With my 6'2" 220lb son away at college and me living smack dab in the middle of the hood,I need it. 7 people were shot at my corner this summer. Not all at once. All different times. One time being 12 noon on a saturday. One dude was blatantly selling dope in front of my door and domestic violence is pretty regular. But still I have no fear. I would live here before the suburbs. I like the flavor. Even in chaos there is beauty. Good people live here too. And my crib is dope, but cheap because of its surroundings. My garden is my zen. Its an escape. And my favorite place. I refuse to move to another place in this town. Next move will be a big one.