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Monday, December 12, 2011

2011


winding down another year. where does time go? i will say that this year was so much better than the recent. the worst being 2008/2009. i will always remember that time of my life as my lowest point. i have not always had it easy, but that time was brutally hard. for many reasons. many circumstances. bad people. bad situations. at that time i wanted to curl into the fetal position and just disappear. i did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. i didnt even see the tunnel. each day was gut wrenching but i always wore a smile as a mask. i never let those around me know just how bad it was. i know the people close to me would be shocked to know what i was going thru. no point in filling them in. especially now, when things are golden. i really do wake up everyday and thank jebus im out of that nightmare. everyday is an adventure. and even the difficult becomes just a challenge. and these days, there is no challenge i cant meet. my smile is permanent. not a mask. i eat life and hate that its moving so fast. so many things to accomplish and experience. so many people to meet and places to see. so many books to read, shows to see, and classes to take. the end of the day is a small death. did i do everything i needed to do? did i progress? make a difference? learn something? am i a better person today than yesterday? i tell myself "i am financially stable, physically fit, and the love in my life is abundant". crazy how that works. tomorrow i turn 39. and while others my age are complaining about getting old, i still see myself as a teenager. i dont feel any different now as i did then. only smarter, stronger, more guarded, less trusting of those who dont deserve me, more open to possibilities, clearer head and a more adventurous spirit. but im the same. i have that same feeling of invinsibility a teenager has. after what ive been thru, nothing and no one can break me. i look at the world as if its new. and its my oyster. tomorrow always comes. i guess, without 2008-2009 i wouldnt know what its like to feel good. to be proud. to stay motivated. i wont look back unless i need a reminder of how life's not supposed to be. but lets not get it twisted, i wont forget how some used my situation to their advantage. karma, karma, karma. if it hasnt gotten you yet, its coming. and if it doesnt, im coming.