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Monday, April 23, 2012

BBLLAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I don't really feel like writing, but i don't like too much time to pass in between. Life moves too fast and my memory isn't what it used to be. I am exhausted. I am sick of using my brain and just want to shut it down for a day, but it's not an option. I leave for Wisconsin next week and I can't wait. I'll be training for 2 weeks, but it won't be mentally hard. Physically, maybe. A welcome change. I feel like I haven't worked out in forever. I am sick of being a student. Sick of stressing over homework and finals at the age of 39. I'm taking the summer off from school. I may take one class, but that's it. I am burnt out. Losing my motivation and I don't so much care about my GPA anymore. I decided to pass on the Bucknell scholarship. There are people who need it more than me. It would have been cool to say I did it. In reality, it was more of a pain in the ass. I can't live in Lewisburg Pa for 2+ years. Who was I kidding?


I have decided to move to the Burbs. It was a sad day when I came to that decision. I hate the burbs. I am a city girl. The more "grown up" I get, the more I change things. I will be active duty in the Army. Full time JAG in a suburb outside of Philly for 3 years. I picked a town halfway between here and there. After working out the financials, I will be paying less to live there with more amenities. Pool, gym, breakfast Mon-Fri, dog parks, community gardens, business center, 24 hr staff, and they even pay my cable and HBO. Score! My car insurance goes down and bye bye city wage tax! And let's face it. I live in a war zone. Lots of shootings steps from my door over the last few weeks. Summer is more violent. I would be so pissed if I got hit by a stray bullet by one of these idiots fighting over turf or whatever they lose their lives for. If I died in Afghanistan, I would be cool with that. Motorcycle accident? Jumping out of a plane? Or any way other than the meaningless bull shit that goes on in this hood. Things aren't going to change for the better. I don't see the point in moving to another area of the city. It's all depressing. I have to leave Philly sometimes to love it again. I do know, I will not grow old here. Philly area has me for the next 3 years, after that? Who knows?


I have no funny in me today. No fight. No joy either. I feel like I'm just existing until the next step. Maybe this is a "funk". The sun hasn't been out in 2 days. That might have something to do with it. I'm just tired. I have so much to do, but can't do it right now. Tomorrow is another day. Looks like 12 hours of school work. Fun. I'm soooooo over it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

"Flaws"? Really?

I just read the most recent writings of the clown. He so affectionately wrote of "flaws" as if his idea of "flaws" are charming little factors in a person's makeup. Almost insinuating he too has flaws that can be overlooked when true love is present.



Ummmmmm... If by "flaws", you mean your disgusting habits, your creepy looks, your unwillingness to work, your over inflated ego, or your bad fashion sense, then I guess true love could over look that. Maybe even find those "flaws" endearing? That person would have to be super "flawed" herself, but there are plenty of desperate broads out there that might just suck it up and settle for such "flaws".



But, if by "flaws" you mean, narcissistic, controlling, abusive, delusional, stalkerish, pathological, lazy, dirty, and completely full of shit? Those are not "flaws". Nothing quirky, cute, or funny about any of those "flaws". Those are not things that grow on you and you begin to accept. Those things destroy people. Change who they are and how they think. People should run when those ugly "flaws" rear their very ugly heads. Those "flaws" are hidden like dirty secrets and when they are found out, it's too late. You're fucked.



At first, I just saw your surface "flaws", and if I drank enough, I could overlook them or more like get numb and block them out. You had me convincing myself that you "loved" me and wanted to protect me. Your real "flaws" are calculated and well thought out. Evil "flaws" that patiently bide their time and plant seeds and groom the victim. Your "flaws" are dangerous and people around you should be warned.



Does the man who's coat tails you've recently rode on know you referred to him as a "soulless sociopath"? His bothers too? Not that you just told me about how all 3 brothers are "evil", "terrible people", and "cannot be trusted", you told anyone who would listen. Made sure you ruined any credibility they may or may not have had in Hollywood. I remember when I finally met them, after all I had heard, I was unimpressed. You had painted them to be so diabolical and all I saw was pussy cats. I found them to be sweet, hardworking, close knit brothers, doing what they could to survive in LA. Now look. One brother achieved some success and fame, now you refer to him as "family". You are disgusting. Is disgusting a "flaw"?



Hindsight? It was you. They needed to distance themselves from you. You were the dead weight. You brought nothing and when I saw how you weaseled your way into his spotlight, even getting on camera as one of his hanger-ons, I wanted to vomit. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror?



Trust me, if I ever run into those brothers, I will tell them everything. I will also have any info I pass to them verified by others if need be. If I find out you're in a "true love" situation, I feel it is my duty to warn her about these "flaws". If I didn't, I'd be just as guilty as you. I can not in good conscience, allow you to do to another, what you did to me. To this day, you have not acknowledged the abuse you put me through. This tells me you will do it again and again. You are so twisted you feel justified for all of your behavior. You take no ownership. See no wrongs. That's why you are dangerous. I'm talking Serial Killer type danger. No remorse. No responsibility. Just lies and delusion.


Now, don't misunderstand. As much as I write about you, I NEVER speak of you. Your name never crosses my lips and I'm too humiliated to let anyone know what I went through with you. No one ever brings you up because you were so forgettable to others, it was like you never existed. All my man knows of you is you were some guy from my past who was a raging lunatic and outlandishly accused me of wrong doings constantly. He knows I tolerate very little because of you, but he also knows he can trust me. I would almost love for you to try and convince him of what a horrible person I am.(one of your threats from the past."I'm going to let everyone know what a disgusting whore you are"). He's known me since I was 13. There is nothing he doesn't know about me. Any attempt to paint me in a negative light would result in his 5'10" frame beating your 6'3" ass. That I would LOVE to see. If I witnessed that, I could die a happy woman. It would be beautiful. Poetic justice.


He can never know the real story. He can't have those images in his head. He doesn't read these. He doesn't even know they exist. Even through all the writings about you, I still don't go into details. At this time, I can not form the sentences or words. That is a picture I can't paint. Not yet. Maybe some day.

This is how I cleanse my brain. Tiny victories for me. Make no mistake, I will have many victories. Everyone of your failures is a victory for me. If you ever have a glimmer of success, I will be there. A shining moment? I will be front and center. You are not allowed to bask in any glow when you have this dark cloud following you.


If your delusion is still in full effect, riddle me this? Do I write about anyone else? All the exes I have??? You would think I would have bad feelings for someone else? Harbor some resentment for any one of them? Nope. Just you. You are a complete psycho and I am impressed with how much damage you did. You should be very proud of yourself. There's your bragging right. Because let's face it, how long can you use the "I wrote a movie" and "I am a producer" work? It's 2012. IMDB yourself. Those things were so long ago, you're irrelevant. You need some new game. "I almost broke MCK" should be your tag line. There you go. No asshole has ever been able to claim that before.



I am so lucky for being able to trust someone again. So lucky to be this lucky. I take pause when I read your crap and I leave all my negativity here. Aimed at you. Then I go back to my happy life. I find you entertaining and an outlet for my nasty. No one is more deserving than you. Looking forward to reading your next pile of bullshit. You are my muse.