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Saturday, December 29, 2012

coming back around

so, i had a breakdown? it happens. im still not all sunshine and unicorns, but my heart doesnt hurt anymore. it snowed today. i was on my way out the door to a yoga class that i desperately needed, and after seeing the snow, decided against it. i hate the snow. class was on the other side of town where parking is tricky. i could possibly have to walk several blocks. normally not a problem. with snow? my own personal nightmare. why do i live in a cold climate?






I have mentioned before that i am a happy girl in flip flops. nothing bothers me when the sun is shining. now, the smallest things set me off. ive been a little dramatic. for a brief time i was focusing on the negative. that stops right now.

im still bummed about nye. but oh well. we had nye last year. she can have this one. shit, she can have every one of them. who cares? it means nothing when i have so much. i should just be grateful for everything and stop being a sad pussy.

all the things i wrote about yesterday still stand. all those things were fucking with my psyche. but what was the real problem, was all my problem. i was jealous. so not like me. i have talked it out, and admitted it. im jealous.

its so stupid and i shouldnt want any one's life or wish for what they have. but my boo's ex isnt doing anything wrong by having nye. or by not working, or by having a bf who doesnt work. thats her life. thats what works for her. i shouldnt judge it or have an opinion. and as much as i wish i had more time to relax and enjoy my life and the people in it, i wouldnt trade it for anything. im sending my apologies out into the universe. shes not an embarrassment. i am. a wreck for 2 days when there are real problems and tragedies in the world.

its not her fault she has it easier than most. i should be happy for her. i wouldnt wish my struggles on anyone. and besides, i dont walk in her shoes. even tho she is super lucky, she may not know it. lucky her who has never really had hardship. i hope she lives 10 lifetimes without ever experiencing it. even knowing what its like. no ones life is perfect. never said hers was. but not ever knowing what it is like to worry about keeping a roof over you and your kids heads and food on the table is a HUGE blessing. and that is why i had such a hard time with everything. all responsibility has always been on me. its constant anxiety. forces you to keep moving, earning, learning, lose sleep, miss events, hide from bill collectors, and do things you hate just to get by. if you take that out of the equation? bliss.

so, im just jealous. i wish i had it easier. then and now. but i cant begrudge those that do. if the grass seems greener? ill just work on my lawn.

i wish the boo's ex a lifetime of happiness. she seems very happy with the man she is with. i met him and i cant say a bad word. i know when they were married, they were terribly unhappy. neither are bad people. just changed. it happens all the time. both are much happier now. life is short and everyone should live the life they want. i am forever grateful to her. if she didnt leave him, he would of had no reason to hang out. we wouldnt of started this. the happier she is, the happier the kids are, then in turn, the happier the boo is. i'm the asshole. its a reoccurring theme.

everyone has a bad day. everyone gets a little crazy. everyone can be an asshole. no one is perfect. i'm sorry again.

Friday, December 28, 2012

and then i crash

all the happy, the lucky, the motivation, and positivity has vanished. just days ago, and most of the last 2 years, my head was spinning with gratitude. and in the blink of an eye, its gone. for no good reason. nothing significant caused this. just a bunch of tiny annoyances that grew to an overwhelming crushing blow. a downpour of a rain on my sunny parade. i cried uncontrollably today. sobbing. feeling like my heart is being shredded to pieces and my chest feels like a boulder rests on it. my shoulders weighed down like 1000 lbs of worries are being balanced on them. I feel low. very low. scary low. why?

all the things ive been so grateful for, are still in existence. all the reasons for my happy are still front and center. but im stuck in a black hole, isolated in my room, talking to no one. hiding.

it may be the cold weather and short days. i cant take the cold. last winter was amazing. warm more than not. the temperature dropped here and an instant switch in mood happened. but that can't be it.

the tragedy of sandyhook ct. i cant talk about. i avoided all coverage and conversation. i cant let this in. i cant deal with the magnitude of pain those involved are going through. i cant change it, fix it, prevent it from happening again, give any kind of comfort, cant walk in their shoes. i have to block it out. but as good as ive been dodging it, its still there. my closest girlfriend covered the story in that town. we can never speak of her experience. she, as a writer, cant shake it. went from sandyhook to xmas dinner. she is from ct. sat at her parents dinner table and tried to be grateful. she'll never be the same. but that can't be it.

i wish i could do more for my son financially. he is struggling and i hate to see it. but i do not have the resources other parents have. at his age, i had him. a one yr old. i went to bed hungry a lot. you want better for your kid. i try to tell myself and him that he'll figure it out. that i had no help. but it kills me. i want to make his life easy. you need help in this world to get ahead. i know this. i had no help. i want him to get everything out of life. its not possible without a steady cash flow. but that cant be it.

i still have not been promoted, due to no fault of my own. i have done everything i was supposed to and then some. i have had road blocks. promoted on paper, but the steps have not been taken to give me my stripes and pay raise. i am the squeaky wheel. making tons of noise about it. i earned it. give it to me! i am so sick of fighting for shit that is mine. already out $2000 because of it. its not fair. but that cant be it.

i am not getting enough sleep. i leave my house at 5 am and get home close to 6pm. there leaves no time for anything else. with no promotion, but more responsibility on me, i'm getting burnt out and stressed. but that cant be it.

maybe it has something to do with my mother. she schedules her flights back from visiting my sister in tampa waaayyy after my bed time. the last time i expressed that i need my sleep (this is when i was waking up at 630, now i wake up at 430) that its really hard for me to wait for her to get her bags, drive her to the NE, back to south philly. her response was..."youre the only one that can do it. take a nap". take a nap??? are you serious? i suggested that she come back early the next morning. grab a 6 am flight and she could be home by 9am. her answer was "no, i dont want the cat to have to wait another night for me". the cat? ITS A CAT!!!!! im your daughter. this time her flight was scheduled to land at 955. now do the math. i wake up at 430. her plane comes in at 10. by the time i get back to my bed, its close to midnight. why is that ok? so it gets better. her flight was delayed. by hours. thank god for the boy. he got her. but she had absolutely no problem with me getting no sleep so she can avoid a cab. heres the best part. i looked up her flight. usair had 20 flights from tampa to philly before that one. 20!!!!!! she is blatantly saying to me, "i dont care what you NEED, this is what i WANT". my son got home close to 2 am. i would have had 2 hrs sleep. she was fine with that. but that cant be it.

i quit smoking 2 1/2 weeks ago. that may have a lot to do with it!!! i miss my friend. my comfort. my way to deal with things. but i didnt want to be a 40 yr old smoker. im trying to get sexier. can this be it?

i am broke from all the merriment and got hit with unexpected bills, of course. i desperately need a new car. that is normal. life. been here a million times. with all the other shit, day to day struggles, its piling up and pushing me under. but here is what set it all off...

the boo's ex.

i just found out our nye plans are canceled. he has the kids. not that he doesnt have them all the time. his ex and her bf dont work.they have more free time than anyone i know. the boo has the kids half the time. we both work ourselves to death and do not get a lot of free time, let alone quality time together. on our nights together, were both asleep by 830-900. they get to live in their fantasy land, complete with bills paid and babysitters at their disposal. the boo has no family and literally works his fingers to the bone. when the kids are with him, theyre with him. monday nights are our normal nights together. but not this monday night. nye. i found out yesterday morning. im alone to start 2013. while she gets to live it up. everyday is her nye. i did my time and earned my freedom. now i have to sacrifice for you? this is what set me off. this is what made me fall apart. im on a hamster wheel. running, running, running. i run to get to the good times which are few, far between, and rightfully earned. she is a taker. entitled. delusional. selfish. i dont expect her to do anything for me/us. but i also dont believe i should be at all inconvenienced for her. fuck her.

this has brought up all the memories of the hard times. how alone i was doing everything by myself. i worked every nye. then i worked every new years day on no sleep. i had to take care of us. i didnt have 5 nights off in a row to hang out with my boyfriend and sleep late. i just got so angry that i struggled so much with one baby. while she parties with 3. im not complaining. it was a privilege. i dont have to do this anymore. i earned my nye. she should earn hers!!! be a mom! a goddamned role model. youre a 40 yr old woman. do for you and yours. dont fuck with my shit. this was the straw that broke the camels back. this was my breaking point. this was the reason i lost it. she reminds me of how hard i had/have it. how i struggle to get by with so little free time. how grateful i am for anything i have. i rarely complain. i give back. and i treat her kids with respect. but i shouldnt have to be responsible for them. i didnt sign on for that. where were you on nye's of the past? you didnt watch my kid. i didnt wreck your night. you suck and youre an embarrassment. your kids will realize this one day. they will be embarrassed. but by then, they will have chosen to live with their dad so you can have 7 days a week off.

this was a looooonnnggggg angry rant. ironically, i do not feel any better. 2013, you better step it up.

Monday, December 17, 2012

im 40


well, the 40 has come and gone. i took off from work today just to recover and chill. sit in the quiet and reflect. ill say it again. i am so lucky.



the celebration started like it has the last 3 years with "Running of the Santas". its a silly thing. 5000 people dress in christmas garb, drinking, dancing, a 3 block run with a concert at electric factory as the main event. like always, we had a blast. no memory of the end of the night. im too old to drink all day and make it til the wee hours. but i think it was a great time.

woke up the next morning at stupid oclock and flew to see my west coast bestie. i had a blast. LA is a whole other animal without an abusive clown controlling your every move. i got to just be. floating around enjoying every minute. hiked in the hills, visited friends, popped down to the beach and the boardwalk, spa time, and going out to eat. just chillin. not partying.

no drama, no plans. just bounced from place to place. even walked on hollywood blvd. something i had never done. my girl lives 3 blocks from there. it was a very different LA experience. no wanna be douchbags, star fuckers, or inflated egos. i actually met people with talent who didnt drop names or care who you know and what you can do for them. it was refreshing. i hated LA when i left back in 2009. it wasnt LA i hated. it was my situation. LA is fine. warm weather, legal weed. the food cannot compare to the east coast,something i could never get used to. but my eyes were opened a little in my short trip.

popped bottles on a roofdeck in hermosa beach at ufc royalty's house, got to see an old philly friend who became an overnight success, (couldnt have happened to a more deserving guy), laughed a lot, rested, enjoyed the sun, met awesome people (2 just so happened to be from philly), and recharged myself. got home in time for the 40 to take place.

this is where i become an asshole...
so the boo picks me up from the airport, we get to my place and he hands me a plastic bag with a robe and slippers in it. "happy birthday" he said. now, i needed a robe for his house. this is a robe you would buy for your mom. nothing sexy or cute. but thats cool. i just needed warm. the next 2 days hes with his kids and i start to get mad. a robe and slippers? in a plastic bag? oh heeeellllllll nah! this is my 40!!! his birthday i went above and beyond to make him feel loved and appreciated! i get a robe in a trashbag?
i run it by my sergeant major. i never share my personal info. he tried to stick up for him, using that excuse that men are stupid. NOT MY MAN!!!! he treats me better on a regular day. so asshole me, starts to unleash on him thru text. "you made me feel so low" "you put no effort" blah blah blah. you get the picture. well, i ruined his surprise. he had gotten me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet, and i wrecked it. i did some ass kissing and apologizing, and hes over it. why did i doubt him? i didnt need diamonds. infact, if that robe was in a giftbag, all would be cool. but he has been so amazing to me this entire time. i should have had faith.

we had dinner with friends and the boy at another friends restaurant in CC. i wore sequined booty shorts because im 40 and its the new "i dont give a fuck". we drug the boy thru the city and even ended up at after hours. we are the best. had a blast. again, i;m so lucky.

another milestone reached. i have already been thinking about 41. so far any plan i have made has been interrupted by life. life dictates. not me. im very curious to see where ill be at 41. hopefully just as happy as i am now, only with a shit ton more accomplishments.