Bitter Sweet

Yesterday I had my Bucknell interview. After it was done I was thrown immediately into depression. My chest is so tight and I'm full of anxiety. While doing the internal dialogue I was trying to break it down. If I get chosen for this, my life will be drastically different and I have to get it in gear.
< 1st, I have to take my finals early because I have to go away to Wisconsin for the Army in May. If I get this Bucknell spot, I will have to go straight to Lewisburg Pa as soon as I get home. I don't have a plan for the dog. < 2nd I have submitted my Mobilization packet to do a 365 day tour in Afghanistan starting Aug 1. That would mean immediately following the Bucknell summer program, I will be shipped to the sandbox. Again, I have no plan for the dog. < 3rd If I successfully complete the Bucknell Summer program, my full ride would start in the fall of 2013. As soon as I got off the plane, I would move to Lewisburg for 2 years. That is 3 full years. I'm having a panic attack. I can't think of the benefits if all this plays out. I can only think of the downside. That is not me. I see blessings in nothing. For some reason, this is all feeling like a curse. I can kiss my relationship good bye. Even though we discussed it, I don't see how we can sustain this for 3 years. It's not fair to him. We did discuss anything he does while I'm gone is not cheating. I'm not a jealous chick, and it is unrealistic to believe he would be "faithful". I would never ask him to do that. That would be stupid. I do think it will be impossible for him not to fall for someone more available. I can't blame him. I made these choices, he didn't. As much as it hurts, I can't make decisions on feelings. Nothing good ever comes from that. I have my own future to think about. Retirement. Security. Education. Accomplisments and bragging rights. It looks like it will be a solo ride. When these options were presented, it seemed as if everything would be perfect if I could make the time line work. I didn't count on heartache. We were together yesterday and I was more than quiet. I didn't even tell him about my interview because I didn't want to open the dialogue. I just told him I was tired and avoided the whole subject. It's his BDay week. Not the time for un-fun stuff. All the plans I have made for myself, didn't include a plus 1. I just need to hope for the best and expect the worst. Who knows? Maybe they will go with someone else for the program? This is a big possibility. They only take 12 students and I counted 30 packets on the table and there are 2 days of interviews. So? On to the next. Dancing all weekend celebrating his birthday. I'll save the bullshit for Monday.

O M GIZZLE!

This is quite possibly the most random, crazy thing ever. The bf found my stolen bike!!! He is working in Old City and walking down Chestnut St. He saw my bike chained outside of a nail salon. He bought it for me, and knew it was mine. He made sure he spotted all the "tells". Such as the sticker under my seat, small tear in the seat that he did loading it into his truck, and its an odd color green that is unmistakable. He was with 6 other guys and went into 3 of the businesses yelling "Who's green bike is chained outside"? No one copped to it. He said the women in the nail salon looked very nervous and guilty. He asked the woman who worked in the shop if he could borrow her outlet. She obliged. He plugged in one of his power tools and cut the chain right there. He said it was super loud and whoever was the now temporary owner had to be standing by watching this. He made no secret that he was cutting this chain and getting my bike back. He threw my bike into the back of his truck and went on his way.
How crazy is this???? I always thought I would see someone on it, but I thought I would see them around the crib. Of all the places my bike shows up? Right in front of the Boo's work in Old City. And he's a crazy lil Mo Fo. He fears nothing and has no problem defending himself. Along with the power tool, he also had a hammer on him ready to crack a skull if need be. I love him so much. My hero. Seriously? So crazy. I got a flat tire with my new bike today around 1pm riding back from CC. 2 hrs later my original bike is found. Now I have 2 Bikes!!!! That is pretty rad. Life is so weird.

scattered

I haven't taken my Adderal in a few days. I'm trying to cope without it. It did help that I was on spring break from school all last week. I went back today. Mondays, I have a 2 hour lecture at 8am. I don't think I paid attention one minute. So, experiment over. I think it's sad that I can't do what other people do without the help of chemicals. Even now when I'm typing, I have 1000 things bouncing around in my head. Things I need to do, fun stuff I'm trying to remember, responsibilities that have to be handled but I don't know where to start. Or how to start.
Classes at CCP are almost done for me. I haven't made a concrete plan for the fall. There is only one plan I have, but that will take an act from Jebus to pull off. My state of mind right now? Shut it down and deal when I have all my brain cells working towards a common goal at the same time. I know when I go back to read this later, I will see just how my mind works sans meds. Cause I'm already thinking about random stuff I want to jot down.
Daddy bought me another bike. 70 degrees all week and being in my car is killing me. He knows how sad I was when it was stolen. He just mentioned on Saturday night... "Tomorrow, we'll go to breakfast and get you another bike". Did I mention he bought me the last one for my birthday? Now my bike is in the living room. Part of the furniture. There it will stay.
I Did a 15 mile ride yesterday through Penny pack all the way to Pine Rd and back. Penny Pack is so beautiful. Smack dab in the middle of the NE. I'm glad I never took that park for granted. I used the hell out of it in my lifetime. Drank in the park growing up. Took the boy on every nice day to feed the ducks and get exercise. Trained for a marathon and roller bladed my lil heart out. Now, biking thru it. It is gorgeous. No trash, spring springing, crazy wildlife. Oh and holy hell!!!! Bald Eagles in NE Philly!!!!! No shit. I am speaking the truth. More than one. My dog should be scared. 5 lbs and she is no match.
Speaking of Daddy, we registered for the "Rebel Race". It's in July in NY state. Camping all weekend with the race being one of those muddy obstacle courses. My Boo doesn't "work out", but has more energy than a 3 yr old on pepsi and chocolate. He never sits still and I have a feeling he'll carry me. I know we'll have a blast. We always do. We even had fun on Friday night when he ran out of gas (for the first time in his life) 3 blocks from home, on pretty much the only cold night of the year. Instead of bitch? We walked to the closest bar and decided to leave it for the morning. Saturday morning, before I even opened my eyes, he had taken his bike and handled it. Also came back with breakfast from one place and coffee from Wawa. My man. Energy of that 3 yr old. His Birthday is next week and I am spoiling the shit outta him. No one deserves it more than him. He kills himself giving all day and gets very little in return. I need him to know how grateful I am to have him in my life in this very weird capacity. He makes me happy. I am so happy.
So this brings me to my ex bf. Not the one I hate so much he makes me gag when I read his nonsense, but the one I actually enjoy. We have an odd friendship. When he had a live-in gf,our communication was limited. A text here and there. He does my taxes so we handled business. But now he's single again and we just pick it back up. He has always allowed me to use his house when I needed to disappear or take advantage of his hot tub.( Of course this couldn't happen with the live-in). His house is now better with a full gym and crazy TV technologies. There's always home baked cookies and whatnot from his elderly female clients and a fridge full of Diet Pepsi. We did in the past, recycle each other. But those days are over. It's an adjustment to settle into "just friends", for real. Not just friends that "Break glass in case of emergency". Without knowing it, I hurt his feelings. When we were together, we WERE NOT good for each other. I was less-than-faithful and so was he. There were many other factors as well, but I won't get into it. He knows I will not step out on my bf. I said to him, "I would never hurt him. It's not worth it. I love him too much to ever betray him". The ex witnessed me over the past few years be the playa. Jugglin more than one dude. Cheat on the disgusting pig. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he realized that I can control myself. But with him, I had no intention. Not that he loves me or wants me back. Just that I didn't respect him or our relationship. I had also explained to him, that I wouldn't even consider a relationship unless I could be monogamous. That I didn't think that guy existed. I wasn't looking for him. But I did know that I wouldn't commit to someone unless I meant it. I would not make the same mistakes I did with him. And I certainly would not settle or be bullied into a nightmare of a relationship with anyone again like what happened with that pig. I didn't mean to hurt him. I want nothing but happiness for him. I love being his friend. I LOVE hearing about his wacky adventures with wacky chicks and the life of a 30 something single, successful, handsome man. To some, he is the holy grail. To me, he's my funny friend. We just happened to date 6 years ago. I think I know him better than most, and he finds that comforting. My Boo knows we still talk. If he has a problem with it, he isn't showing it. I told him about the abusive, possessive, stalker and the damage he did. I don't think he ever wants to resemble that clown. He also knows how happy we are and how stupid we would be to fuck it up. I'm not that stupid and he's the smartest man I know, so we're solid.
Well, I'm sure I have a million more mindless tid bits and stories but Law and Order just started and now I can't focus on this. Hahahaha. Oh ADD, how you make life interesting. Or not.