i have to make tough decisions. right now. fight or flight. ying and yang. up is down. black is white. sleep is needed. but i dont know how. being a grown up sucks. i remember wanting to be grown so bad. i actually thought it would be so much fun. its very little fun, with lots of hard work, stress, and not-so-fun decisions. i want the days where midnight was magic and gremlins were real. when i didnt know the feeling of seeing the check engine light on in my car or hearing the sounds of gunshots steps from my door. when love was easy and fixed all things. fairy tales had potential of being a reality. sucks knowing fairy tales are total bullshit. there is no happily ever after. never was. such a buzz kill.i thought going one way was the right thing to do. its not. but i started the wheels in motion with that decision. i have to stop those wheels. put them on pause. but they picked up some momentum and im using all my strength to pull back on the breaks. it may be too late. i may not be strong enough. i fucked up. "if happy ever after did exist"...
it feels like i swallowed glass. lying here in my urban sanktuary, no lights but the glow of my laptop. my head spinning but nothing remotely resembling a solution swirling in there. i am missing cigarettes and weed. 2 friends that got me through some tough times and helped me clear my head or at least helped me forget about shit for a minute. not having any vices sucks too. just me. my half functioning brain and my hurting heart. bad combination for making life decisions. bad combination for walking and chewing gum.
