Last Half

I completed another Half Marathon in Wildwood Nj. My time was bad, of course I'm hurting today, but reality was not part of the weekend. 

I found us a house close to the boardwalk and start line. We had family dinner, rode some rides, bar hopped, and all made it across the finish line. Friendships were made, there were some "good byes", lots of laughs, and no mention of my life and hardships. 

I needed this escape. I felt good the entire time. Except the actual running part. That sucks. The reason for this being my last? I knew 2 weeks ago, after running the Broad Street Run, that it is time for me to check my ego and face the facts. I'm too old for this. Shit hurts. Not just the normal pain you get from working out, bone/ joint pain. Recovery takes longer. My performance ain't what it used to be.I love the bonding, but the bragging rights go away when each run takes longer and longer to cross that line.  

Here I am. Back in my bed. Dreading my life and what tomorrow brings. Waiting for these meds to take effect. I was told 2 weeks to 30 days. 2 more days to reach 2 weeks. I can't imagine what they'll do. I was always against drugs. Believed I was supposed to feel everything. 2 docs disagree. No one is supposed to feel this pain 24-7. My hair is turning grey over night. My worry lines get deeper by the minute. I have no plans for the future. I don't care about tomorrow. Just exist one second at a time. I wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up. I had a good life. Key word being "had". If this is how my remaining days are going to pan out? There's no point in this. I am just taking up space. 

No title

I can't think of how to begin or how to end or what goes in between. I'll never get used to people you trust stabbing you in the back. Always seems to come when you're at your lowest. Blindsided. Like... WTF? Then you find who is really your friend. In your darkest hours. 

Things are the worst they can be. I shouldn't say that. I'm begging for more weight with that statement. I will never forgive or forget how some showed their true colors during this time. I'm defeated. Ok life, you win. I'm crying "UNCLE"! I'm tapping out. I submit.

On medication for sleep. Medication to get out of bed. Medication to hold a thought. This is a miserable existence. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through the motions. Lights are on but nobody is home. This is not depression, it's devastation. Agony that has no end. I am good to no one. I can't even save myself. Stay away from me. I'm drowning and may pull you under with me. 

All difficult times in my life had an ending. I could adjust to make the magic happen. I have no control of this. It controls me. I can't fix it. It's killing me.