You're not allowed to sleep when someone is dying

I thought that was the most profound statement I ever heard. Of all places to hear it, one of my trashy reality shows. She was talking about how she finally slept when her husband lost his battle with cancer. Falling asleep during the final stages couldn't happen. You didn't want to miss anything. I feel like that is my life.

We are all dying. Some just faster than others. Some, slow and painful. Some are killing themselves chasing a heaven. Some of us stand by and hope they never catch it. We don't fall asleep either. We don't ever rest. Just wait for the end and then what? Then we sleep? For how long? What happens when we wake up? What then? What will happen to those of us who waited to sleep? What if we don't want to ever wake up? Who stays awake waiting for us to die? What will they do after they finally get sleep? Is this life? Is this what it's supposed to be? Waiting to sleep. Dealing with being awake. Checking whatever blocks you need to , to be a productive citizen and not look like you're a mess? Is this everyone? Or just the severely broken-hearted? 

I wear my pain on my face after a while. I can fake "normal" for weeks and even months, but then comes the day when it just won't be ignored. Strangers on the street ask you if you're ok. Coworkers tell you "you look a mess". A kind woman read my rank and name "staff sergeant Kelly, do you need to talk"? I smiled and said "it's been a bad day. We've all been there. I'm not special". Sometimes I believe everybody feels this. But logically I know, they don't. They couldn't. A lifetime of hurt has prepared me for this devestation. You can't go from rainbows and unicorns to this. You have to build up to this. Calloused heart from years of abuse and disappointment kept me from rolling over and dying. I guess that's a positive? How sick is that?

I'm stuck here. This hurt does not serve me. I have nowhere to go. I can't cry. I can't let anyone in. Can't tell them my story. If I let myself shed one tear, I will drop to my knees and it will take a fleet of Angels to pick me up. And there's no such thing as Angels. If there were? I'd be so pissed at them for not saving us earlier. No prayers will be heard. No bargaining will me made. No begging will be acknowledged. No selling my soul because no one is buying. What steps do we take? I wish there was some kind of manual... "Things to Do to Get Back to Normal". What the fuck is "normal" anyway? If anyone knows, I would like a down and dirty brief. The Who, what, why, when & hows. 

Running to the Middle Easy hasn't made my reality disappear. Today it caught me and it will take my sleep. 

Week 2

I'm wasting time in the coffe shop until my scheduled facial. Life is tough. I almost like it here. It's easy. I know what is expected of me and my time is my own. I just joined a running group. Yoga starts Tuesday. Ran a 10K yesterday. Still working these Internet issues. There has to be a way for me to watch cable. The bandwidth sucks and it never stops "loading". The struggle is real. 

Time is racing by. I just thought to myself... Only 8 1/2 more months to accomplish everything I want to do. I imagine most people would fell like ... Ugh 8 1/2 more months until home. I have nothing to get home to. After what I've been through, this is a much needed respite. The everyday reality is not here. My responsibilities are light. How easy would life be if this was my normal? I can isolate here and no one will notice. I can work on me without someone having a problem with it. Other than my work hours, my day is mine. No drinking so everyday is clear. I don't really like the food, so my weight is in check. I get more comfortable with my surroundings as the hours go by. Finding out just what is possible to do here and the options are so many, it's overwhelming. 

I will find my clique. Just more connections across the globe. But, I am enjoying my aloneness. I am comfortable in it. I am finding the days of my social butterfly-ness may be a thing of the past. I have head phones in my ears when nothing is playing. Like right now. I am building a wall not even giving a chance for small talk with strangers. 

Well, got to get to my appointment. Then gym. The who knows.