Farewell 2017

I can’t say this year was the worst. It was far from it. Good things went on despite the bad. Bad happened. I suppose like always. But a little recap might be good.

I got to work outside of my office on a high profile mission. Kicked ass. Made a name for myself coast to coast with power players. Learned a ton and met a lot of people. Civilians. Locals. Army too. Great experience. You can read about it in the papers.

Baby boy happy, healthy, strong. Hit 2 years. Paying it forward. Being a support and a role model. I couldn’t love him more.

Got promoted to E7/SFC. Act of Congress Bitches.

“Shook” off about 170 lbs of dead weight. Finally. It feels so good. I’m actually smiling while writing this. Just by reading my own shit, he should had been dropped years before. I was in a very dark place. I let it happen. Even after when we tried to be “friends” again, he still couldn’t be the man. Having that toxic, angry, insecure, abusive dickface completely out of my life is fantastic. It was tough. A 30 year relationship is not easy to say goodbye to. I tried to salvage something. But finally realized I really don’t like this person. He hurts me. He likes it. It’s no secret. Even found out 6 months after zero contact, that the whole time, he was trying to bang my gfs. So much so, he had to lbe spoken to about it. How humiliating is that? Him? Cheat on me? In my own back yard? Thanks friend. Way to show your love and respect. Worst human ever. Enough about him. 2018 will be the 1st year he doesn’t exist in my life. Miss the dog so much tho.

I let my guard down a little and showed vulnerability. It didn’t work out in my favor, but no regrets. Nice to know I can. I didn’t think it was possible. I can’t expect people t read my mind. I need to say what I think and feel. Life is short. I have to try to have what I want. If I can’t have it, acknowledge, respect it, learn from it and let it go. There is hope for me yet. I’m softer. Less likely to sweat the small stuff. Enjoy the time I have with people I want to be with and be grateful for the experience.

#jeeplife to #stanglife and on this snowy day, I’m missing #jeeplife.

Living alone in the DMV has done great things for me. My quiet space, close to my hometown. Girly in decore. The greatest bed that makes me happy at the end of the day. Cocktails for 2, great music playing all the time. it feels like a sanctuary. Just mine. Alone. Not lonely.

I learned I can use my voice to change my situation. In the past, I always kept things to myself. Just took it. I don’t do that anymore. I didn’t join the Army to be walked on by shitbag soldiers just because they out rank me. I produce, live the army values, take care of soldiers. I show up in the right uniform at the right time and accomplish my mission. Hooah. Youu? Contribute nothing. To anyone. You only cost the tax payers. All this and try to make my existence tough? Not today. To quote Nene Leaks “you can never win when you’re dirty”. Now leaving with a path of destruction behind you. No worries, I’ll clean up your shit just like always. Don’t let Uncle Sam kick you in the ass on the way out. Deuces.

I have become a troll on twitter and it’s bringing me lots of joy. I cannot divulge my identity. I have to stay anonymous for obvious reasons, but my popularity grows every day. Having an outlet to unleash on idiots has been hella therapeutic for me. Im by far a twitter superstar. But the right people are tracking me. I’ve ”met” a Couple very smart and funny, like minded people. Great side convos and laughs. I actually feel as if I’m doing some good. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a huge audience and my surley voice can me heard. Only it’s not me, MCK, it’s that hilarious troll dude.

Hero dogs! I volunteer at a place full of dogs being trained for vets. Dream. Come. True. Check them out.

Lost a very good friend. 42. Out of nowhere. The course of events that have taken place since are strange and uncomfortable. I miss him. Our easy times together. He was my safe place to land. I am kinda lost without him. I wear his stuff. I feel his loss in everything I do. If it’s a fun time, I wish he was there. If it’s a sad time, I wish he was there. In every event I’m wishing he was there. I guess that’s probably the definition of loss.

Heroine continues to destroy lives of people around us. My friend since the 1st grade. A fireman, father and husband, lost his battle with addiction a couple weeks ago. Wtf! No one is safe. Devastation. It’s constant. It crushes everyone in its path. Angles In Motion (AIM) is an unofficial organization taking the badlands to task. Power in numbers. They are occupying the streets. Providing help and resources to addicts and making it a little more difficult for dealers. Check them out. Pretty amazing group of people. Being the change.

I feel like a completely different person than in 2016. I was on the uprise. In the shop for repair. It is a slow process. Always be better. But that constant heartache is gone. The 24 hr a day panic is no more. My self esteem is back. I am comfortable in my skin.

So my wish for 2017:

Besides the normal... I want to drop 20 lbs, check a block off the bucket list, whatever we say to ourselves. I want to be the change. Everyday. Did I help? Did I hurt? What did I learn? What did I teach? How did I make it better? I’ll still get the hits. Acknowledge it. Respect it. Learn from it let it go. I can’t control anyone else on how they think, act or behave. I can point it out and make fun of it on twitter. No worries. I only mess with people who spew hatred. They like it.

Being a nice person. Not a carpet. More kind not at all weak. Be the example. But trust and believe, I still shouldn’t be fucked with. Golden rule applies. Treat those as you want to be treated. If for some reason, someone feels the need to treat me like an asshole, they should only EXPECT that same treatment in return. Only I won’t stop until they have to tap out. I’m still a killer.

1 August 2017

I am back to my "real" job today after 9 months working on a special project in crystal city. I do nothing special at my real job. I hate that I have no control. I can't even quit if I want. It is what it is. Hopefully I get promoted so I can beef up my check.

Hitting a groove in the DMV. It's not like I'm not struggling with the anxiety. It seems to be worse, but I am actively taking steps to fix it. I've had enough. It's not normal and I need to figure it out. Quality of life depends on it.

Michael is kicking ass. Doing well. Being a great man. I am so proud, but I still don't sleep. Any news of anyone's struggles and I take it on. I see my shrink in 3 days. I am just going to be honest. Stop hiding that sometimes for no reason at all, I am in full blown panic. It's not fun.

What is fun? I've met some great people in less than a year here. I've been offered opportunities, saw some stuff. Military friends come thru D.C.. random visits from favorite people. I've also learned how to navigate the city/metro all by myself. It gives me confidence that no matter where my next duty station is? I'll own that shit too.

Dating... it's been interesting. Most interesting part? Because everyone comes thru here? It is headquarters for so many different Gov agencies. So, right now I am in the beginning of something with men from Washington state, northern cali, southern cali, Baltimore, westchester Pa, and northern va. No one directly in my back yard. All decent dudes, with very interesting lives and much to offer. I am very clear about what I don't want. Who knows what I do? But I will not be in another position with a vampire. It is now and will be for the remainder of my life, about me. It's either a give and take or it's a no. I am either 1st or nothing. I love my solo life. I really do. Everybody knows it.

I am told by all of them how there is no doubt that I have a wall. No shit! I should. One man said he doesn't mind taking the time to remove one brick at a time. That's sweet. We'll see. I want to be softer. Not needy but appreciative. I want to somehow portray that I would like someone in my life, but I'm not sure I believe it. I literally walk in my place, take off my clothes, and sit around in my underwear. I don't want to change that. Ever. I workout. Watch stupid tv. Lay by the pool. Leave headphones in. I am content.

Love the people in my life. The boy is happy and healthy. I make a difference on the daily. Just this friggin anxiety needs to get under wraps so I can finally enjoy my life, not just exist. It's been a long road. Time to live.

Willabration. #BelikeWill

Tomorrow we say "goodbye" to our friend. He was more than our friend. He was our inspiration. He had no judgement. He loved with no boundaries. He made me feel comfortable in my skin. Around him, I was 10 feet tall, smart and beautiful. He didn't just make me feel that way. Everyone he came in contact with was changed by him. There is no one like him. He was rare. He died at 42, leaving behind the love of his life. 

How does he get through the days without his other half? William's family was not accepting of Will because of his "lifestyle". His unconditional love was not returned by those who should have loved him the most. He just rolled with it. Never being angry. Never standing up. It was like he knew they would never see him. He took what he could get from them. He got that love from us. He was able to leave this earth knowing that not only was he "normal", but he was loved and accepted. That his "lifestyle" was such a small and insignificant part of the artist, friend, therapist, dance partner, goofball, and soulmate. He belonged with us. He was needed by us. He was our breath of fresh air. He taught us many lessons on love and life. I hope he knew the impact he had. 

Tomorrow 100 or so people touched by this sweet man, will get to share their heartache and stories of William. We'll have tributes, wine, balloon release, live performances, readings of his poetry, displays of his artwork, memory jar, food and parting gifts all high atop on a roof with a 360 view of the city we love. As nice as it sounds, it will be terrible. William should be there. He would love this party. It will not be fun without him there. I will spend the whole time wishing he could see this. Some believe that he can see. That's a nice thought. I hope that brings peace to those that need it. 

I needed Will in my life. I don't know what to do in a world without him and his light. Especially now. 2017. Rest in Peace Sweet Prince. If there is an afterlife? Please watch over me. 

2016

Wow. Just wow. 

Lots of good things. Lots of very sad things. Lots of stupid things. Lots of stressful things. Is it me? Or was 2016 the year of extremes? 

I know every year has its good, bad and ugly. I feel like this year I would get bombarded with great opportunities that I took advantage of. The problem is, all the great would happen all at once so it was almost a burden. 

I remember discussing with a friend that too much is going on at once. All good, but not anytime to sit back and take it in. She also agreed that life was giving her blessings but making her too busy to enjoy it. 

Lost some people way before their time. Ended a lifelong friendship. We elected an orange, reality star into the White House! Wtf. Saw the worst in humanity. Fear for the future. Can't shake that off. 

Oh well. Here's to 2017. 

I'm back

So it's been a while.

I don't know where to start because I didn't actually end it previously. So much has transpired that I either avoided dealing with it or sharing. Some was too painful or secretive. So without going back to see what I wrote about before, I'll start with what's in my head. 

Michael will celebrate 1 yr clean on Wednesday. After 3 attempts at rehabs and sober living houses, living on the streets, burning bridges , hurting everyone in his path, he has made it thru. For one year. 

The kid has lost so much. A couple days ago, we buried his best friend. His brother. Sean never got clean. He died alone on SEPTAs El platform with no dignity. I knew this kid. Well. He stayed with us often growing up. He was a sweet, gentle kid. Michael loved him more than family. I saw him in his open casket. I'll never shake it. The pain of his family and friends knowing they could do nothing but sit by and wait for Sean to live or die. I've been there. I still suffer from those feelings. Sean died. Michael is here. Heroine is bigger than all of us. It's only getting bigger. It's got our kids. It came as a harmless high from a stupid pill. Now our babies are dying alone on a cold El platform. To outsiders? They get what they deserve. Fucking worthless junkies. 

I worry that the pain is too much for Michael. He's buried a lot of friends over the past few years. More than I ever did. Sean seems too much to handle. Even tho they couldn't be side by side the last year due to Michael being clean, I learned that they spoke regularly. For hours at a time. That love was pure. Heroine couldn't rob them of that. It's a very sad time. 

Life after deployment...

 Well so many things have taken place. I got married right before I left for the Middle Easy. Got divorced as soon as I got home. That's all I'm going to say about that. 

I bought an "investment" property in Philly which I am lovingly referring to as my Money Pit Retirement Plan. 

17 days after I bought this place I got called to Active Duty. Not temporary. It's permanent. I now live in a DC suburb paying a mortgage and rent. Fingers crossed my Philly spot gets a tenant soon. 

Dating has been a trip. I think I can no longer care if a dude is in my life or not. I'm pretty sure that's a sad thing. Who knows? I've seen some shit in this lifetime that makes something like a love life seem so trivial. I am way too fucked up. Way more than before and I have always been fucked up. I am different in many ways. I don't sweat the small stuff. Some days I'm so fucking grateful and then there's days like this where all I can think about is Sean, his family, Michael's mental state, and me being in MD. Where would a man fit in there? I wish my ex wasn't such a complete asshole. His drunk has gotten to a point where his anger is always on the surface. I am the brunt of that anger. I never knew when and what would set it off. There was never an apology. To this day he believes I deserved all of it. I didn't. Nobody deserves it. We are cut from the same cloth. When it was good? It was perfect. When it was bad, it was catastrophic. The last 3 years it was rarely good. I accepted it. I was dealing with a junkie kid. I would take an hour of good times to escape a tormented existence. I took a lot of abuse because I was already so low. Those scars are up front and in your face. He was the first person I contacted about Sean. He knew him too. He has been checking on Michael. Checking on me. Friends are stepping up in my absence. Michael is being so bombarded with support, he has no time to respond to everyone with 1 full time job, full time student, and a part time gig in between there. 

My birthday is in 2 days. I have no plan. No celebration. It will most likely go unnoticed except for the FB shout outs. I will be working a high profile case in Crystal City where nobody knows me. I will quietly turn 44. Take the metro back to my posh crib and put myself to bed. I will probably cry. Not for something as silly as growing older, but for all the things that have taken place in these 44 years. 

I am feeling more alone than normal lately. Even tho I have love and support. No one can relate to me. My shit is too heavy. It's crazy that just 2 weeks ago I was vocalizing about how lucky I/we are. That Xmas time we will take care of those in need because we need nothing. Now I need something. I just wish I knew what it was. 

You're not allowed to sleep when someone is dying

I thought that was the most profound statement I ever heard. Of all places to hear it, one of my trashy reality shows. She was talking about how she finally slept when her husband lost his battle with cancer. Falling asleep during the final stages couldn't happen. You didn't want to miss anything. I feel like that is my life.

We are all dying. Some just faster than others. Some, slow and painful. Some are killing themselves chasing a heaven. Some of us stand by and hope they never catch it. We don't fall asleep either. We don't ever rest. Just wait for the end and then what? Then we sleep? For how long? What happens when we wake up? What then? What will happen to those of us who waited to sleep? What if we don't want to ever wake up? Who stays awake waiting for us to die? What will they do after they finally get sleep? Is this life? Is this what it's supposed to be? Waiting to sleep. Dealing with being awake. Checking whatever blocks you need to , to be a productive citizen and not look like you're a mess? Is this everyone? Or just the severely broken-hearted? 

I wear my pain on my face after a while. I can fake "normal" for weeks and even months, but then comes the day when it just won't be ignored. Strangers on the street ask you if you're ok. Coworkers tell you "you look a mess". A kind woman read my rank and name "staff sergeant Kelly, do you need to talk"? I smiled and said "it's been a bad day. We've all been there. I'm not special". Sometimes I believe everybody feels this. But logically I know, they don't. They couldn't. A lifetime of hurt has prepared me for this devestation. You can't go from rainbows and unicorns to this. You have to build up to this. Calloused heart from years of abuse and disappointment kept me from rolling over and dying. I guess that's a positive? How sick is that?

I'm stuck here. This hurt does not serve me. I have nowhere to go. I can't cry. I can't let anyone in. Can't tell them my story. If I let myself shed one tear, I will drop to my knees and it will take a fleet of Angels to pick me up. And there's no such thing as Angels. If there were? I'd be so pissed at them for not saving us earlier. No prayers will be heard. No bargaining will me made. No begging will be acknowledged. No selling my soul because no one is buying. What steps do we take? I wish there was some kind of manual... "Things to Do to Get Back to Normal". What the fuck is "normal" anyway? If anyone knows, I would like a down and dirty brief. The Who, what, why, when & hows. 

Running to the Middle Easy hasn't made my reality disappear. Today it caught me and it will take my sleep. 

Week 2

I'm wasting time in the coffe shop until my scheduled facial. Life is tough. I almost like it here. It's easy. I know what is expected of me and my time is my own. I just joined a running group. Yoga starts Tuesday. Ran a 10K yesterday. Still working these Internet issues. There has to be a way for me to watch cable. The bandwidth sucks and it never stops "loading". The struggle is real. 

Time is racing by. I just thought to myself... Only 8 1/2 more months to accomplish everything I want to do. I imagine most people would fell like ... Ugh 8 1/2 more months until home. I have nothing to get home to. After what I've been through, this is a much needed respite. The everyday reality is not here. My responsibilities are light. How easy would life be if this was my normal? I can isolate here and no one will notice. I can work on me without someone having a problem with it. Other than my work hours, my day is mine. No drinking so everyday is clear. I don't really like the food, so my weight is in check. I get more comfortable with my surroundings as the hours go by. Finding out just what is possible to do here and the options are so many, it's overwhelming. 

I will find my clique. Just more connections across the globe. But, I am enjoying my aloneness. I am comfortable in it. I am finding the days of my social butterfly-ness may be a thing of the past. I have head phones in my ears when nothing is playing. Like right now. I am building a wall not even giving a chance for small talk with strangers. 

Well, got to get to my appointment. Then gym. The who knows.