all the things ive been so grateful for, are still in existence. all the reasons for my happy are still front and center. but im stuck in a black hole, isolated in my room, talking to no one. hiding.
it may be the cold weather and short days. i cant take the cold. last winter was amazing. warm more than not. the temperature dropped here and an instant switch in mood happened. but that can't be it.
the tragedy of sandyhook ct. i cant talk about. i avoided all coverage and conversation. i cant let this in. i cant deal with the magnitude of pain those involved are going through. i cant change it, fix it, prevent it from happening again, give any kind of comfort, cant walk in their shoes. i have to block it out. but as good as ive been dodging it, its still there. my closest girlfriend covered the story in that town. we can never speak of her experience. she, as a writer, cant shake it. went from sandyhook to xmas dinner. she is from ct. sat at her parents dinner table and tried to be grateful. she'll never be the same. but that can't be it.
i wish i could do more for my son financially. he is struggling and i hate to see it. but i do not have the resources other parents have. at his age, i had him. a one yr old. i went to bed hungry a lot. you want better for your kid. i try to tell myself and him that he'll figure it out. that i had no help. but it kills me. i want to make his life easy. you need help in this world to get ahead. i know this. i had no help. i want him to get everything out of life. its not possible without a steady cash flow. but that cant be it.
i still have not been promoted, due to no fault of my own. i have done everything i was supposed to and then some. i have had road blocks. promoted on paper, but the steps have not been taken to give me my stripes and pay raise. i am the squeaky wheel. making tons of noise about it. i earned it. give it to me! i am so sick of fighting for shit that is mine. already out $2000 because of it. its not fair. but that cant be it.
i am not getting enough sleep. i leave my house at 5 am and get home close to 6pm. there leaves no time for anything else. with no promotion, but more responsibility on me, i'm getting burnt out and stressed. but that cant be it.
maybe it has something to do with my mother. she schedules her flights back from visiting my sister in tampa waaayyy after my bed time. the last time i expressed that i need my sleep (this is when i was waking up at 630, now i wake up at 430) that its really hard for me to wait for her to get her bags, drive her to the NE, back to south philly. her response was..."youre the only one that can do it. take a nap". take a nap??? are you serious? i suggested that she come back early the next morning. grab a 6 am flight and she could be home by 9am. her answer was "no, i dont want the cat to have to wait another night for me". the cat? ITS A CAT!!!!! im your daughter. this time her flight was scheduled to land at 955. now do the math. i wake up at 430. her plane comes in at 10. by the time i get back to my bed, its close to midnight. why is that ok? so it gets better. her flight was delayed. by hours. thank god for the boy. he got her. but she had absolutely no problem with me getting no sleep so she can avoid a cab. heres the best part. i looked up her flight. usair had 20 flights from tampa to philly before that one. 20!!!!!! she is blatantly saying to me, "i dont care what you NEED, this is what i WANT". my son got home close to 2 am. i would have had 2 hrs sleep. she was fine with that. but that cant be it.
i quit smoking 2 1/2 weeks ago. that may have a lot to do with it!!! i miss my friend. my comfort. my way to deal with things. but i didnt want to be a 40 yr old smoker. im trying to get sexier. can this be it?
i am broke from all the merriment and got hit with unexpected bills, of course. i desperately need a new car. that is normal. life. been here a million times. with all the other shit, day to day struggles, its piling up and pushing me under. but here is what set it all off...
the boo's ex.
i just found out our nye plans are canceled. he has the kids. not that he doesnt have them all the time. his ex and her bf dont work.they have more free time than anyone i know. the boo has the kids half the time. we both work ourselves to death and do not get a lot of free time, let alone quality time together. on our nights together, were both asleep by 830-900. they get to live in their fantasy land, complete with bills paid and babysitters at their disposal. the boo has no family and literally works his fingers to the bone. when the kids are with him, theyre with him. monday nights are our normal nights together. but not this monday night. nye. i found out yesterday morning. im alone to start 2013. while she gets to live it up. everyday is her nye. i did my time and earned my freedom. now i have to sacrifice for you? this is what set me off. this is what made me fall apart. im on a hamster wheel. running, running, running. i run to get to the good times which are few, far between, and rightfully earned. she is a taker. entitled. delusional. selfish. i dont expect her to do anything for me/us. but i also dont believe i should be at all inconvenienced for her. fuck her.
this has brought up all the memories of the hard times. how alone i was doing everything by myself. i worked every nye. then i worked every new years day on no sleep. i had to take care of us. i didnt have 5 nights off in a row to hang out with my boyfriend and sleep late. i just got so angry that i struggled so much with one baby. while she parties with 3. im not complaining. it was a privilege. i dont have to do this anymore. i earned my nye. she should earn hers!!! be a mom! a goddamned role model. youre a 40 yr old woman. do for you and yours. dont fuck with my shit. this was the straw that broke the camels back. this was my breaking point. this was the reason i lost it. she reminds me of how hard i had/have it. how i struggle to get by with so little free time. how grateful i am for anything i have. i rarely complain. i give back. and i treat her kids with respect. but i shouldnt have to be responsible for them. i didnt sign on for that. where were you on nye's of the past? you didnt watch my kid. i didnt wreck your night. you suck and youre an embarrassment. your kids will realize this one day. they will be embarrassed. but by then, they will have chosen to live with their dad so you can have 7 days a week off.
this was a looooonnnggggg angry rant. ironically, i do not feel any better. 2013, you better step it up.
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