just a rant

i have dated a lot of great guys. some not so great. when i look back, i see i was a lucky girl. i was not always an angel. sometimes downright scandalous. ive treated some badly. and i have paid for it 10 fold with karma. i learned my lesson. no more. love them or not. be good to them or bounce. no more games. just honesty. may hurt at first, but long run its better.
one ex in particular, after a long step back, i realize is a total clown. now, ive had hard feelings with boys in the past. no too many. usually im cool with them. no reason to hate. life is short. i want to build bridges, not break um. but lately, im thinking a lot about this one.
he was good at making me feel like everything was my fault. and like i said, in the past, things may have been my fault. but not in this case. he's a clown. clown is a good word. manipulative. needy. suspicious. possesive. spoiled. abusive. self inflated. self important. delusional. narcisistic.
i was constantly accused of bullshit that did not exist. not being used to this, i adapted to being the bad guy. it got so out of control, i had no life outside of him because it wasnt worth the fight. i was defeated. and even during the break up i took full responsibility. no surprise. he took none. all about how he was the martyr. all the stuff he did for me. smoke screen to the actual facts. he always had me where he wanted. beaten down and scared of the shoe to drop. afraid at any minute i would have done/said something to set him off. i was in a position of weakness and he used it to his full advantage. separated from friends and family. no one to talk to. embarrassed about where this had taken me. strong me? brainwashed with stockholm syndrome. symapthizing with my captor. just trying to get thru the day. even months after. i still felt like i was an awful person. it WAS me. i was the asshole. but now, clear head, big distance, time gone by. it was HIM. hes a clown. a phoney. controlling dick head. but is so delusional, he 'll never see it. out of all the relationships i have had. serious/casual whatever. this was by far the worst. and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen. never trust a clown.
I know he'll read this because he's a stalker. checked my phone, breaks in to my emails, tries to break into my facebook. invents conspiracy theories of things that i not only never did, but were so outlandish, there was no defense. he would make crazy threats to tell my son about the "real" me or contact jobs and let them know what kind of person i am. tried every intimadation tactic. bullied me. invaded my haunts. he would tell his friends that i never met, awful things about me. they would in turn, bash me. saying the most horrific things. people i never met? stuff that people i knew all my life couldnt say. set me up to look like a scum bag so he would have a gang rally in his defense. and this was when things were "good". and the worst, tried to make me believe, just recently, that hes normal. happy. successful. centered. bullshit. clownery.
i will be visiting out west. to see friends. i am almost too curious to see him. not because i want anything to do with him. i just want to see the latest performance of a clown. what fairy tales he has invented. and how he"ll spin his failure of a life.
hey clown, get a job. get a life. get a clue. you are not the superstar you believe yourself to be. you are not nearly as smart, charming, or good looking as you think. again with the delusions. go on thinking you know me "better then i know myself" hahaha. clown. go on believing you have everyone and everything figured out. this isnt college. and youre not the athlete anymore.
you are a child. not a man. a bitch. im angry now. its about time. i hate what you did to me. what you made me to beleive about myself. how you made me feel. took a girl at her lowest and tried to kill everything about her. and then cried to anyone who would listen. there are 3 sides to every story. yours, mine and the truth. the difference is, until now, i never spoke my side. im still keeping it classy.

down to the wire

almost time to go. life as i know it will come to an abrupt end. no longer in control of my daily life. someone else will have that power. i find that almost comforting. spending a lifetime of trying to figure things out. its a welcomed change to have someone else make my decisions for me. im going on auto pilot. and my issues with authority figures is going to have to come to an end. i wont win any battles, no sense to put up a fight.
im starting to worry. im much older then the others. my body does not bounce back like the lucky youth. aches and pains on any normal day. about to get an ass kickin on the daily. i just hope the physical part is obtainable. i know in the back of my mind, that i can whoop any 20 year olds ass. but i still worry. combat barbie.
i am already planning my return. doing some travel before i touch base back in philly. hopefully have a plan on whats next. a new perspective. a sunny disposition. a renewed love for my hometown. or, if thats not the case, an exit strategy. one that solves everything. the boy happy. me happy. its our time. life is short. and too much time has past not living the lives we want. no more. struggles and bullshit stops now.
my 37th birthday in 3 days. 37. i cant believe it. by 38, i will have a much different life. im excited to see what life that will be.

yelp

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bucket list

1 be great. do great things. earn bragging rights.


2 live in at least one foreing country. learn the language. the food. culture. become a native.

3 fall in love. real love. dizzying, all consuming, meaningful love. 2 sided. supportive. room to grow. respectful. team work. fullfilling.

4 dance at the boys wedding

5 finish college

6 write a book

7 take a cooking class

8 fly in a helicopter

9 go to the kentucky derby

10 paint again

11 finish another endurance sport

12 complete a yoga teacher training

13 mend broken friendships/relationships

14 cross country trip with good friends

15 land a career

16 perform on stage

17 learn to build a house with habitat for humanity

18 be on the board of a non profit

19 climb a mountain

20 zip line thru the costa rican jungles

21 learn to surf

22 learn to snow board

23 take an exotic trip alone

24 learn an entire dance i.e. salsa, rhumba whatev