Today is Christmas. I spent all day by myself. I wanted it this way. I wanted to check out. One forced "Merry Christmas " call to the mother. Calls and texts with baby boy. Texts from well wishers. That's it. Good news is baby boy hit 100 days clean a couple days ago. He can never come back here. Ever. Not even for a visit. He found a new addiction. Working out. He never stepped foot in a gym until this go around. Fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness has been the focus of this recovery process. Meetings every day. Working in a swank spot. I am grateful for this gift. The anxiety is now a permanent part of me. I can't shake it.
Went back and forth with the bf. I kept trying. Things were good sometimes and now things are very bad. As I stand now, I want absolutely no contact. Bull shit "Merry Christmas" text that went ignored. That only pissed me off. I was stupid again and funded the trip for the 2 of us to visit Michael next month. I paid airline, car rental, and hotel. Again. Not once has he ever taken me anywhere. I have paid for EVERY vaca or weekend away. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I would like him to be completely out of my life for 2015. Should be easy. I'm going to Afghanastan. I was also stupid enough to ask him to take care of things for me while I'm gone. Even asked for an in name only marriage. There is a substantial amount of money to be made if you're married. Plus I need a power of attorney. I will not give that to a bf. Of course he said "no". Said he didn't want to lose half his shit again. WTF! I don't want what he has! Proof in how I fund everything. I don't ever want to live under the same roof. So, bottom line, he will never be what I need him to be. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a support system for me. I can't count on him. But for some reason, I am always disappointed when I find out this hard lesson over and over again. Einstien's theory of insanity.
Since last I wrote, Michael got clean and just for today, he is happy, clear headed, employed, working his program, supported by a community, focussed on getting what he lost back, planning to get back in school, and taking advantage of not being in Philly.
I have been promoted again. It's pretty rare to make it to SSG in under 5 years. Haters gonna hate, but they're just fat and lazy shit bags. So fuck em. Got recommended for this dope, preteigious gig in AF. I'm nevous not because of going to a horrible country where they hate us. Or the stir crazy boredom I'll have to endure not being allowed outside the gate for 9 months. I'm nervous because I don't know the crew I'm going with. I've never met them. What if they suck and I have no escape? Luckily, being in JAG is intimidating to peeps. So I'm hoping that will make people behave appropriately towards me.
I had to quit my job. That was tough. I've been working on this mission for 2 1/2 years already. I built my portion. I busted my ass to get my piece to where it is. It's done. I can pass it off to anyone. I am proud of the job I did. Built it from nothing . Now it's the SOP mission wide. We did great work together. There's nothing left for me to do.
I need change. I can't be stagnant. I have to have a challenge. I have to complete stuff that most people never will. That is my motivation. When that tour is over, Philly will no longer be home. Perfect credit, no debt, and mad $$$ in the bank? I'm putting my ass in the sand too. This time I am really ready to break up with Philly. I find little to no joy here. Bad memories cloud any good ones. If my baby can't come here, it's no longer home. It's become a place I used to live. I just wish I could take my dope crib with me.
