Farewell 2017

I can’t say this year was the worst. It was far from it. Good things went on despite the bad. Bad happened. I suppose like always. But a little recap might be good.

I got to work outside of my office on a high profile mission. Kicked ass. Made a name for myself coast to coast with power players. Learned a ton and met a lot of people. Civilians. Locals. Army too. Great experience. You can read about it in the papers.

Baby boy happy, healthy, strong. Hit 2 years. Paying it forward. Being a support and a role model. I couldn’t love him more.

Got promoted to E7/SFC. Act of Congress Bitches.

“Shook” off about 170 lbs of dead weight. Finally. It feels so good. I’m actually smiling while writing this. Just by reading my own shit, he should had been dropped years before. I was in a very dark place. I let it happen. Even after when we tried to be “friends” again, he still couldn’t be the man. Having that toxic, angry, insecure, abusive dickface completely out of my life is fantastic. It was tough. A 30 year relationship is not easy to say goodbye to. I tried to salvage something. But finally realized I really don’t like this person. He hurts me. He likes it. It’s no secret. Even found out 6 months after zero contact, that the whole time, he was trying to bang my gfs. So much so, he had to lbe spoken to about it. How humiliating is that? Him? Cheat on me? In my own back yard? Thanks friend. Way to show your love and respect. Worst human ever. Enough about him. 2018 will be the 1st year he doesn’t exist in my life. Miss the dog so much tho.

I let my guard down a little and showed vulnerability. It didn’t work out in my favor, but no regrets. Nice to know I can. I didn’t think it was possible. I can’t expect people t read my mind. I need to say what I think and feel. Life is short. I have to try to have what I want. If I can’t have it, acknowledge, respect it, learn from it and let it go. There is hope for me yet. I’m softer. Less likely to sweat the small stuff. Enjoy the time I have with people I want to be with and be grateful for the experience.

#jeeplife to #stanglife and on this snowy day, I’m missing #jeeplife.

Living alone in the DMV has done great things for me. My quiet space, close to my hometown. Girly in decore. The greatest bed that makes me happy at the end of the day. Cocktails for 2, great music playing all the time. it feels like a sanctuary. Just mine. Alone. Not lonely.

I learned I can use my voice to change my situation. In the past, I always kept things to myself. Just took it. I don’t do that anymore. I didn’t join the Army to be walked on by shitbag soldiers just because they out rank me. I produce, live the army values, take care of soldiers. I show up in the right uniform at the right time and accomplish my mission. Hooah. Youu? Contribute nothing. To anyone. You only cost the tax payers. All this and try to make my existence tough? Not today. To quote Nene Leaks “you can never win when you’re dirty”. Now leaving with a path of destruction behind you. No worries, I’ll clean up your shit just like always. Don’t let Uncle Sam kick you in the ass on the way out. Deuces.

I have become a troll on twitter and it’s bringing me lots of joy. I cannot divulge my identity. I have to stay anonymous for obvious reasons, but my popularity grows every day. Having an outlet to unleash on idiots has been hella therapeutic for me. Im by far a twitter superstar. But the right people are tracking me. I’ve ”met” a Couple very smart and funny, like minded people. Great side convos and laughs. I actually feel as if I’m doing some good. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a huge audience and my surley voice can me heard. Only it’s not me, MCK, it’s that hilarious troll dude.

Hero dogs! I volunteer at a place full of dogs being trained for vets. Dream. Come. True. Check them out.

Lost a very good friend. 42. Out of nowhere. The course of events that have taken place since are strange and uncomfortable. I miss him. Our easy times together. He was my safe place to land. I am kinda lost without him. I wear his stuff. I feel his loss in everything I do. If it’s a fun time, I wish he was there. If it’s a sad time, I wish he was there. In every event I’m wishing he was there. I guess that’s probably the definition of loss.

Heroine continues to destroy lives of people around us. My friend since the 1st grade. A fireman, father and husband, lost his battle with addiction a couple weeks ago. Wtf! No one is safe. Devastation. It’s constant. It crushes everyone in its path. Angles In Motion (AIM) is an unofficial organization taking the badlands to task. Power in numbers. They are occupying the streets. Providing help and resources to addicts and making it a little more difficult for dealers. Check them out. Pretty amazing group of people. Being the change.

I feel like a completely different person than in 2016. I was on the uprise. In the shop for repair. It is a slow process. Always be better. But that constant heartache is gone. The 24 hr a day panic is no more. My self esteem is back. I am comfortable in my skin.

So my wish for 2017:

Besides the normal... I want to drop 20 lbs, check a block off the bucket list, whatever we say to ourselves. I want to be the change. Everyday. Did I help? Did I hurt? What did I learn? What did I teach? How did I make it better? I’ll still get the hits. Acknowledge it. Respect it. Learn from it let it go. I can’t control anyone else on how they think, act or behave. I can point it out and make fun of it on twitter. No worries. I only mess with people who spew hatred. They like it.

Being a nice person. Not a carpet. More kind not at all weak. Be the example. But trust and believe, I still shouldn’t be fucked with. Golden rule applies. Treat those as you want to be treated. If for some reason, someone feels the need to treat me like an asshole, they should only EXPECT that same treatment in return. Only I won’t stop until they have to tap out. I’m still a killer.

1 August 2017

I am back to my "real" job today after 9 months working on a special project in crystal city. I do nothing special at my real job. I hate that I have no control. I can't even quit if I want. It is what it is. Hopefully I get promoted so I can beef up my check.

Hitting a groove in the DMV. It's not like I'm not struggling with the anxiety. It seems to be worse, but I am actively taking steps to fix it. I've had enough. It's not normal and I need to figure it out. Quality of life depends on it.

Michael is kicking ass. Doing well. Being a great man. I am so proud, but I still don't sleep. Any news of anyone's struggles and I take it on. I see my shrink in 3 days. I am just going to be honest. Stop hiding that sometimes for no reason at all, I am in full blown panic. It's not fun.

What is fun? I've met some great people in less than a year here. I've been offered opportunities, saw some stuff. Military friends come thru D.C.. random visits from favorite people. I've also learned how to navigate the city/metro all by myself. It gives me confidence that no matter where my next duty station is? I'll own that shit too.

Dating... it's been interesting. Most interesting part? Because everyone comes thru here? It is headquarters for so many different Gov agencies. So, right now I am in the beginning of something with men from Washington state, northern cali, southern cali, Baltimore, westchester Pa, and northern va. No one directly in my back yard. All decent dudes, with very interesting lives and much to offer. I am very clear about what I don't want. Who knows what I do? But I will not be in another position with a vampire. It is now and will be for the remainder of my life, about me. It's either a give and take or it's a no. I am either 1st or nothing. I love my solo life. I really do. Everybody knows it.

I am told by all of them how there is no doubt that I have a wall. No shit! I should. One man said he doesn't mind taking the time to remove one brick at a time. That's sweet. We'll see. I want to be softer. Not needy but appreciative. I want to somehow portray that I would like someone in my life, but I'm not sure I believe it. I literally walk in my place, take off my clothes, and sit around in my underwear. I don't want to change that. Ever. I workout. Watch stupid tv. Lay by the pool. Leave headphones in. I am content.

Love the people in my life. The boy is happy and healthy. I make a difference on the daily. Just this friggin anxiety needs to get under wraps so I can finally enjoy my life, not just exist. It's been a long road. Time to live.

Willabration. #BelikeWill

Tomorrow we say "goodbye" to our friend. He was more than our friend. He was our inspiration. He had no judgement. He loved with no boundaries. He made me feel comfortable in my skin. Around him, I was 10 feet tall, smart and beautiful. He didn't just make me feel that way. Everyone he came in contact with was changed by him. There is no one like him. He was rare. He died at 42, leaving behind the love of his life. 

How does he get through the days without his other half? William's family was not accepting of Will because of his "lifestyle". His unconditional love was not returned by those who should have loved him the most. He just rolled with it. Never being angry. Never standing up. It was like he knew they would never see him. He took what he could get from them. He got that love from us. He was able to leave this earth knowing that not only was he "normal", but he was loved and accepted. That his "lifestyle" was such a small and insignificant part of the artist, friend, therapist, dance partner, goofball, and soulmate. He belonged with us. He was needed by us. He was our breath of fresh air. He taught us many lessons on love and life. I hope he knew the impact he had. 

Tomorrow 100 or so people touched by this sweet man, will get to share their heartache and stories of William. We'll have tributes, wine, balloon release, live performances, readings of his poetry, displays of his artwork, memory jar, food and parting gifts all high atop on a roof with a 360 view of the city we love. As nice as it sounds, it will be terrible. William should be there. He would love this party. It will not be fun without him there. I will spend the whole time wishing he could see this. Some believe that he can see. That's a nice thought. I hope that brings peace to those that need it. 

I needed Will in my life. I don't know what to do in a world without him and his light. Especially now. 2017. Rest in Peace Sweet Prince. If there is an afterlife? Please watch over me. 

2016

Wow. Just wow. 

Lots of good things. Lots of very sad things. Lots of stupid things. Lots of stressful things. Is it me? Or was 2016 the year of extremes? 

I know every year has its good, bad and ugly. I feel like this year I would get bombarded with great opportunities that I took advantage of. The problem is, all the great would happen all at once so it was almost a burden. 

I remember discussing with a friend that too much is going on at once. All good, but not anytime to sit back and take it in. She also agreed that life was giving her blessings but making her too busy to enjoy it. 

Lost some people way before their time. Ended a lifelong friendship. We elected an orange, reality star into the White House! Wtf. Saw the worst in humanity. Fear for the future. Can't shake that off. 

Oh well. Here's to 2017. 

I'm back

So it's been a while.

I don't know where to start because I didn't actually end it previously. So much has transpired that I either avoided dealing with it or sharing. Some was too painful or secretive. So without going back to see what I wrote about before, I'll start with what's in my head. 

Michael will celebrate 1 yr clean on Wednesday. After 3 attempts at rehabs and sober living houses, living on the streets, burning bridges , hurting everyone in his path, he has made it thru. For one year. 

The kid has lost so much. A couple days ago, we buried his best friend. His brother. Sean never got clean. He died alone on SEPTAs El platform with no dignity. I knew this kid. Well. He stayed with us often growing up. He was a sweet, gentle kid. Michael loved him more than family. I saw him in his open casket. I'll never shake it. The pain of his family and friends knowing they could do nothing but sit by and wait for Sean to live or die. I've been there. I still suffer from those feelings. Sean died. Michael is here. Heroine is bigger than all of us. It's only getting bigger. It's got our kids. It came as a harmless high from a stupid pill. Now our babies are dying alone on a cold El platform. To outsiders? They get what they deserve. Fucking worthless junkies. 

I worry that the pain is too much for Michael. He's buried a lot of friends over the past few years. More than I ever did. Sean seems too much to handle. Even tho they couldn't be side by side the last year due to Michael being clean, I learned that they spoke regularly. For hours at a time. That love was pure. Heroine couldn't rob them of that. It's a very sad time. 

Life after deployment...

 Well so many things have taken place. I got married right before I left for the Middle Easy. Got divorced as soon as I got home. That's all I'm going to say about that. 

I bought an "investment" property in Philly which I am lovingly referring to as my Money Pit Retirement Plan. 

17 days after I bought this place I got called to Active Duty. Not temporary. It's permanent. I now live in a DC suburb paying a mortgage and rent. Fingers crossed my Philly spot gets a tenant soon. 

Dating has been a trip. I think I can no longer care if a dude is in my life or not. I'm pretty sure that's a sad thing. Who knows? I've seen some shit in this lifetime that makes something like a love life seem so trivial. I am way too fucked up. Way more than before and I have always been fucked up. I am different in many ways. I don't sweat the small stuff. Some days I'm so fucking grateful and then there's days like this where all I can think about is Sean, his family, Michael's mental state, and me being in MD. Where would a man fit in there? I wish my ex wasn't such a complete asshole. His drunk has gotten to a point where his anger is always on the surface. I am the brunt of that anger. I never knew when and what would set it off. There was never an apology. To this day he believes I deserved all of it. I didn't. Nobody deserves it. We are cut from the same cloth. When it was good? It was perfect. When it was bad, it was catastrophic. The last 3 years it was rarely good. I accepted it. I was dealing with a junkie kid. I would take an hour of good times to escape a tormented existence. I took a lot of abuse because I was already so low. Those scars are up front and in your face. He was the first person I contacted about Sean. He knew him too. He has been checking on Michael. Checking on me. Friends are stepping up in my absence. Michael is being so bombarded with support, he has no time to respond to everyone with 1 full time job, full time student, and a part time gig in between there. 

My birthday is in 2 days. I have no plan. No celebration. It will most likely go unnoticed except for the FB shout outs. I will be working a high profile case in Crystal City where nobody knows me. I will quietly turn 44. Take the metro back to my posh crib and put myself to bed. I will probably cry. Not for something as silly as growing older, but for all the things that have taken place in these 44 years. 

I am feeling more alone than normal lately. Even tho I have love and support. No one can relate to me. My shit is too heavy. It's crazy that just 2 weeks ago I was vocalizing about how lucky I/we are. That Xmas time we will take care of those in need because we need nothing. Now I need something. I just wish I knew what it was. 

You're not allowed to sleep when someone is dying

I thought that was the most profound statement I ever heard. Of all places to hear it, one of my trashy reality shows. She was talking about how she finally slept when her husband lost his battle with cancer. Falling asleep during the final stages couldn't happen. You didn't want to miss anything. I feel like that is my life.

We are all dying. Some just faster than others. Some, slow and painful. Some are killing themselves chasing a heaven. Some of us stand by and hope they never catch it. We don't fall asleep either. We don't ever rest. Just wait for the end and then what? Then we sleep? For how long? What happens when we wake up? What then? What will happen to those of us who waited to sleep? What if we don't want to ever wake up? Who stays awake waiting for us to die? What will they do after they finally get sleep? Is this life? Is this what it's supposed to be? Waiting to sleep. Dealing with being awake. Checking whatever blocks you need to , to be a productive citizen and not look like you're a mess? Is this everyone? Or just the severely broken-hearted? 

I wear my pain on my face after a while. I can fake "normal" for weeks and even months, but then comes the day when it just won't be ignored. Strangers on the street ask you if you're ok. Coworkers tell you "you look a mess". A kind woman read my rank and name "staff sergeant Kelly, do you need to talk"? I smiled and said "it's been a bad day. We've all been there. I'm not special". Sometimes I believe everybody feels this. But logically I know, they don't. They couldn't. A lifetime of hurt has prepared me for this devestation. You can't go from rainbows and unicorns to this. You have to build up to this. Calloused heart from years of abuse and disappointment kept me from rolling over and dying. I guess that's a positive? How sick is that?

I'm stuck here. This hurt does not serve me. I have nowhere to go. I can't cry. I can't let anyone in. Can't tell them my story. If I let myself shed one tear, I will drop to my knees and it will take a fleet of Angels to pick me up. And there's no such thing as Angels. If there were? I'd be so pissed at them for not saving us earlier. No prayers will be heard. No bargaining will me made. No begging will be acknowledged. No selling my soul because no one is buying. What steps do we take? I wish there was some kind of manual... "Things to Do to Get Back to Normal". What the fuck is "normal" anyway? If anyone knows, I would like a down and dirty brief. The Who, what, why, when & hows. 

Running to the Middle Easy hasn't made my reality disappear. Today it caught me and it will take my sleep. 

Week 2

I'm wasting time in the coffe shop until my scheduled facial. Life is tough. I almost like it here. It's easy. I know what is expected of me and my time is my own. I just joined a running group. Yoga starts Tuesday. Ran a 10K yesterday. Still working these Internet issues. There has to be a way for me to watch cable. The bandwidth sucks and it never stops "loading". The struggle is real. 

Time is racing by. I just thought to myself... Only 8 1/2 more months to accomplish everything I want to do. I imagine most people would fell like ... Ugh 8 1/2 more months until home. I have nothing to get home to. After what I've been through, this is a much needed respite. The everyday reality is not here. My responsibilities are light. How easy would life be if this was my normal? I can isolate here and no one will notice. I can work on me without someone having a problem with it. Other than my work hours, my day is mine. No drinking so everyday is clear. I don't really like the food, so my weight is in check. I get more comfortable with my surroundings as the hours go by. Finding out just what is possible to do here and the options are so many, it's overwhelming. 

I will find my clique. Just more connections across the globe. But, I am enjoying my aloneness. I am comfortable in it. I am finding the days of my social butterfly-ness may be a thing of the past. I have head phones in my ears when nothing is playing. Like right now. I am building a wall not even giving a chance for small talk with strangers. 

Well, got to get to my appointment. Then gym. The who knows. 

Middle Easy

Here I am. Kuwait. Not AFG. My bitch of a boss thought it best to change MY plan. What I signed up for because he is an incompetent boob and was afraid people would find out. So screw over the SSG and her plans for his benefit. Typical. Less money, less bragging rights. What does he care? So, here less than a week and ISIS strikes a Mosque about an hour away. This is not considered a combat zone. Kuwait is a peace mission. Iraq getting crazy as we expand our footprint, things are about to change. I'm not scared. Ever. Just want the benefits of being in a combat zone, not this summer camp for pussies.  Proof by me writing this while waiting for a mani/pedi. 

I have secured an area in the "real army's" JAG cell away from my idiot boss and the rest of the crew. The education and connections I get there will be invaluable. Everyone is cool, just not an ounce of goof. I prefer to surround myself with the immature. I have a few of those in my unit, but I am nowhere near them now. I am easily being forgotten. Which is good and bad. I'm not made to do bullshit details because they forgot me, but I'm also not included in cool stuff because I'm forgotten. Oh well. 2 tears in a bucket. Fuck it. 

There is a shit ton of stuff to do around here. Trying to figure it out and make a plan. I can sign out a bike tomorrow and that's freedom. I can't rely on other people wanting to do what I want. I walk to the beat of my own drummer. I may take boxing lessons, guitar, woodworking, go to college, find God, cross fit, or a public speaking class. I know I will NOT Zumba. I'm not going to waste away here. I will take advantage of everything. It's hella hot and no option of booze, but other than that? It's summer camp. There's flag football, rugby, soccer, basketball, craft nights, bingo, 1st run movies all free. Poker tournaments, trips, there's even a pool. Crazy right? This is not a deployment. I was looking forward to sacrifice in AFG. I'm still going. Not for the full 9 months, but I'll be bouncing to Iraqand AFG periodically. I'll see how the badass live and tell them I was supposed to be one of them. But  instead, now I have a biweekly facial scheduled and yoga classes to take. Ugh. Real American hero. 

21 Feb

Stuck in on a Saturday. Freezing and snowing makes it undersirable to venture out, I made it to yoga this morning. Was supposed to run a couple miles and run errands and I didn't. I'm avoiding something I HAVE to do that is super unpleasant. Too unpleasant to address at this time. Opened a bottle of wine and I guess this will be how I spend my day. The clock is ticking on my deployment. It will be here before I know it and no matter how prepared I am, I'll not be prepared at all. I am looking forward to only worrying about surviving. Keeping my head down. Cut off from my norm. AF is a mental vaca for me. Life here will go on. My life will stand still. When I get back, I won't know where to turn. I will just have to walk off into the sun. I just need to heal and I'm not getting that opportunity here. I am such a different animal now. Need to learn who I will be. How to adjust to a life that is completely foreign to the life I've always known. Maybe I won't make it back. I am so cool with that possibility too. No more worries. No more anything except a legacy as a war hero. I'll take it. People will only say nice things after I'm gone. People who wouldn't lift a finger to show a resemblance of caring. People who I didn't like, will speak of all the good times we've had. Every asshole who abused me or stabbed me in the back will feel redemption by attending my final good byes. Fuck everybody. That should be on my tombstone. Except I've already made my arrangements. No tombstone. No anything. Maybe a funeral program with my middle finger. Appropriate. I love a handful of people. So much my heart could burst. There will be no doubt in their mind that I loved them. I know they loved me too. There will be no need to prove anything and those few will see right through any bullshit. 

Crazy, I'm speaking as if I won't come back? Oh well. One can hope. 

Then there is that moment...

When your ex does a total douchebag thing. On Facebook. Disrespecting you. Making him look like a complete dick. In front of all your friends. So glad I took the risk of being with a someone I trusted. Lesson learned. There is no such thing as loyalty. Fuck this. 

2015

This was a great day... Much needed. Much love. No other thoughts but fun. New Year's Day has become the favorite day. Although I didn't hang with the usual crew, I checked a another thing off the bucket list. Thanks to my good friend Joe V for making this a possibility. We danced for hours all through the streets of Philly with a sick band from New Orleans. No sadness over missing my boy. No sadness of another failed relationship. No worry for the future. I Just danced. It's a great way to start over. Thanks universe. Such a gift to be given. 

Good news/Bad news

Who really knows? My baby is healthy and happy living at the beach. I'm standing by. Waiting for the good times. Today is better than yesterday, but tomorrow could be catastrophic. I half way breathe. Half way live. Waiting. This is my life. Didn't expect it. Didn't prepare for it. Have no escape or fix it plan. 

Today is Christmas. I spent all day by myself. I wanted it this way. I wanted to check out. One forced "Merry Christmas " call to the mother. Calls and texts with baby boy. Texts from well wishers. That's it. Good news is baby boy hit 100 days clean a couple days ago. He can never come back here. Ever. Not even for a visit. He found a new addiction. Working out. He never stepped foot in a gym until this go around. Fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness has been the focus of this recovery process. Meetings every day. Working in a swank spot. I am grateful for this gift. The anxiety is now a permanent part of me. I can't shake it. 

Went back and forth with the bf. I kept trying. Things were good sometimes and now things are very bad. As I stand now, I want absolutely no contact. Bull shit "Merry Christmas" text that went ignored. That only pissed me off. I was stupid again and funded the trip for the 2 of us to visit Michael next month. I paid airline, car rental, and hotel. Again. Not once has he ever taken me anywhere. I have paid for EVERY vaca or weekend away. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I would like him to be completely out of my life for 2015. Should be easy. I'm going to Afghanastan. I was also stupid enough to ask him to take care of things for me while I'm gone. Even asked for an in name only marriage. There is a substantial amount of money to be made if you're married. Plus I need a power of attorney. I will not give that to a bf. Of course he said "no". Said he didn't want to lose half his shit again. WTF! I don't want what he has! Proof in how I fund everything. I don't ever want to live under the same roof. So, bottom line, he will never be what I need him to be. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a support system for me. I can't count on him. But for some reason, I am always disappointed when I find out this hard lesson over and over again. Einstien's theory of insanity. 

Since last I wrote, Michael got clean and just for today, he is happy, clear headed, employed, working his program, supported by a community, focussed on getting what he lost back, planning to get back in school, and taking advantage of not being in Philly. 

I have been promoted again. It's pretty rare to make it to SSG in under 5 years. Haters gonna hate, but they're just fat and lazy shit bags. So fuck em. Got recommended for this dope, preteigious gig in AF. I'm nevous not because of going to a horrible country where they hate us. Or the stir crazy boredom I'll have to endure not being allowed outside the gate for 9 months. I'm nervous because I don't know the crew I'm going with. I've never met them. What if they suck and I have no escape? Luckily, being in JAG is intimidating to peeps. So I'm hoping that will make people behave appropriately towards me. 

I had to quit my job. That was tough. I've been working on this mission for 2 1/2 years already. I built my portion. I busted my ass to get my piece to where it is. It's done. I can pass it off to anyone. I am proud of the job I did. Built it from nothing . Now it's the SOP mission wide. We did great work together. There's nothing left for me to do. 

I need change. I can't be stagnant. I have to have a challenge. I have to complete stuff that most people never will. That is my motivation. When that tour is over, Philly will no longer be home. Perfect credit, no debt, and mad $$$ in the bank? I'm putting my ass in the sand too. This time I am really ready to break up with Philly. I find little to no joy here. Bad memories cloud any good ones. If my baby can't come here, it's no longer home. It's become a place I used to live. I just wish I could take my dope crib with me. 

I'll try to focus on the light

The boy reached out a week ago. I haven't heard his voice in 6 months. He's sick, but I see a glimmer of hope. He is hating his situation. No one would like the life he lives. I just keep repeating "you're bag is packed. I picked a facility. I will come get you right now". 

Many excuses not to go. I just repeat the same thing. I explain we have nothing to talk about until he's ready to get help. I send a text every morning that says something to the effect of "great day to get clean" or at night "you could wake up tomorrow with day one down". Sometimes he answers me. Sometimes not. I do not engage in his tales if woe. I just keep repeating the same shit. I see a light. I need to keep it up. 

I got another promotion. Staff Sergeant (SSG) Kelly. It's pretty rare to get to this rank in less than 5 years of service. I out rank people who have been in for 15+ years. So I am expecting some haters. Theses haters are either fat, lazy, or flagged. Can't or won't put in a promotion packet for one of those reasons. But they'll have plenty of reasons why I don't deserve it. Over 100 people have sent me kind words of "Congrats". They were genuine sentiments. That I am grateful for. Also more money and more power with a side of bragging rights ain't bad either. I like my new rank. Now I need to focus on getting the next one. 

I ended up getting refunded for purchases that I wasn't satisfied with totaling $500 that I was not expecting. That was pretty dope. 

My new running shoes just came. I'm excited to test them in the morning. I can already tell my performance will improve because of the fit. It's the little things I guess. 

So, this is the first time I wrote in the longest that I was not an anxiety ridden mess. So? Grateful for that too. 

Never get used to disappointment

After this year and this lifetime, I would think the blows would be a little softer. Why when things are at their worst, do the hits keep coming? I know when you're positive, positive things happen. Same goes on the flip side. But how do you find joy when your baby is an active addict? I sit in limbo waiting for him to die or to live. My life stands still. I isolate and only interact with a handful of people. I try to keep it moving, fake the funk. Hide this tragedy because talking leads to waterworks. I am a vampire. 

That being said, I am finding people I loved and cherished are nothing more than another let down. Without even being around. Without interaction, I am betrayed. Hurt. By people who do not even know the situation. Is it because my sparkle is gone? I don't know. I do know that this is a miserable existence, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Then again, even if they did the right thing by me, it wouldn't make a difference. I'm not interested in coffee clutches or happy hours. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. 

Thank you again universe. 

Date

I had one. I fucked it up. I was so nervous. I didn't/couldn't eat. Add alcohol. = disaster. I'm an ass. I can only laugh about it. Too bad tho. He was cute and funny. No kids. All his hair. Damn. I am not ready for this. But I'm so lonely. I want to make out with a hottie. Snuggle up to a new guy. Feel giddy. We'll see how long it will take for me to do this again. Uuuggghh

Just had to make a list

#Update! 12/11/2016....

I went back! Took more of the same only with more intensity. More Hatred and Anger directed at me. Why did I not know my worth? It took until 06/2016, almost 2 years after this post to finally be done. I was so beat down that I probably was begging for more. I no longer allow anyone to say anything to me that doesn't benefit me. The problem here was he was my best friend. It took it to a whole different level. No one knew me better. No one hurt me more. I wish him well. He needs help. He won't get it. Ever. He will die alone. That makes me sad. He's no longer handsome or charming. He no longer has a hold on me. He no longer holds any weight. It's a shame. I wish things could have been different. We could have been a great team. Impossible with the damage in him and the damage he's caused in me. I own my mistakes. I'm mad at myself for letting it go on for as long as it did. I was hopeful I'd get my friend back. So stupid. All the put downs, humiliation, fights? All that I gave and he took? All the heartache and disappointment? Has brought me to this:

I am worth something! 

I am a mother

Soldier

Educated

Caring

I own real estate

I am traveled

I have people who love me

I accomplish shit

I have a retirement plan

I have 2 places to live

I am respected

I am loyal

I am funny

I am smart

I am a total hottie

And soooooo much more

He was lucky to have me

Reasons we broke up and should stay that way:

1. His wants/needs/problems are bigger than me and mine

2. He says things that hurt me. Makes no apologies

3. He invents problems. Imagines I am someone I'm not, doing things I didn't do. I defend myself

4. He is very angry

5. He can't show me kindness or understanding even if I beg

6. He makes me feel like I deserve abuse

7. He throws me away and makes sure I know I'm worthless and unloved

8. He has told me to kill myself when I was already on the ledge

9. He never made a plan, booked a trip, took me anywhere

10. I paid a lot

11. I went to bed sad often

12. He started talking to me like I was shit in front of other people

13. Xmas I spoiled his kids. He got me and mine crap from 5 and below

14. He abuses me through text. Makes threats. Tries to force me to admit to things I would never do

15. His perception of a situation is so off base and crazy. I would never know what set him off. I would have a wrath to deal with if he imagined I threw the remote at him, or he didn't like my answer

16. He calls me names like "pig" ,"whore", and "cunt"

17. He stopped seeing me as his friend and treated me like an enemy

18. He stopped holding my hand in public

19. He screamed at me often

20. Would NEVER listen. Wether it was verbally, thru text, or email, he would not hear me. He was always right. I was always wrong. I spent too much time saying "that's not what happened"

21. I cried a lot the last few months. Sobbing, broken, cries. It made him meaner

22. He punished me often. Needed me to know that I was an awful person

23. What I needed was never considered. And all I needed was compassion

24. My last birthday, as I was driving in a storm, he screamed at me on the way to meet friends for dinner. I pretended to be fine, then I paid for him too

25. I took him away for an entire week. I planned it. Paid for it. And drove the 10 hours one way. He still managed to ruin it. Started a horrible fight after he went fishing all day ( the only time he paid for anything), on the way to a couples massage I was paying for. Jumped out of the car and left me. Never even said "thank you"

26. After a break for a little, grape flavored vodka showed up in his house. He had many excuses on how it got there. None of which were the truth. I wasn't mad that he had a young piece of white trash over. (No decent woman would drink that swill) it was the last straw in how he handled it. He screamed at me loud enough for all the neighbors to hear, called me names, and discarded me for the last time. That was it. I was finally done. He had made it exactly 3 days before doing everything he said he wouldn't do again. 

27. He yelled at me on Xmas eve in front of my son to "shut the fuck up" because I said "shhhhh" after he was banging stuff and woke us up. Michael and I laid there in the basement, wide awake. Feeling so uncomfortable. Unwelcome. Hated. The next morning when Michael and I got out of his and the kids way, and went upstairs while they opened their gifts, he threw the cheap gifts he got, at us. Merry Christmas to us. Later, I drove Michael to his family's, and I went to my friends house, he went on to tell me how I ruin every holiday. I believe I was called a "cunt" that day too. 

I needed to write it out. Sometimes your brain only shows the good memories. Adjusting to the single life is hard. Being with a man that makes you feel so unloved is worse. I haven't cried since I left him that day. Since, I found out I'm getting promoted. I started my next level of military education. I booked a solo yoga retreat. I may be getting a part time roommate putting my finances  in a better spot. Looking into real estate investing. Going to therapy faithfully. I still haven't come close to a date. I don't know when I'll feel ok about that. I really don't care. I want my son back. I have no control over that. I could control what I allow in my life. I needed support. Someone to lean on. 

I used to think that if he knew how much he hurt me, he would stop. I now know he knew how much I hurt. Those tears and words were real. He didn't care. He liked to watch me fall. He believed I deserved it. He got stronger after each incident. It didn't kill me, so he kept on. I think he was seeing just how much I could take before I broke. He got close. I really investigated ways to stop myself from ever waking up. I found ways to leave a pretty corpse, but by the time anyone knew I was missing, I wouldn't be so pretty. I need to feel better. I don't need more weight when I'm drowning. I was begging for a life raft and he was throwing anvils. The last conversation we had was over a week ago. After 2 weeks of ignoring insulting, degrading texts I was ready to block him at the suggestion of my shrink. I was a bag of anxiety. I use my phone as an alarm clock. The days before it was one manipulation after another. "Tell me you fucked him and I'll leave you alone". I almost wanted to say I did, but that's what he wanted and I wasn't about to admit to something I didn't do, to give him more ammunition.  I ignored and deleted every text so I wouldn't have to keep seeing his disgusting words. So 4:20 am comes around, alarm goes off and "you're a fucking pig" are the first words I see. You really don't know just how much that effects you until you start to talk about it. I didn't know how I carry it around. I told my shrink about it. I don't really speak of him much. I didn't want her to know exactly how much I took. She suggested I block him. That I need to save myself right now. That wasn't love and how much that is weighing me down during a time I need to be lifted up. I never blocked anyone before. I waited for the next text and I would do it. Nothing. For over a week. Then the "miss you" love you" bs texts start coming. I continue to ignore it. The phone rings and I answer.

 I had made a point months before that I will not engage In stupid fights and attacks via text. That it was cowardly. If you can't say it, don't bother. So out of respect and the rule I made, I answered the phone. I don't even remember what he said. I do remember the humility in his voice. A different approach then his previous failed attempts. No anger. The loving voice. I didn't budge. I was strong. No more contact. No calls. No texts. Nothing. I will block you from getting to me. I don't care to hear your side anymore. It doesn't matter. I will not be made to feel like the lowest form of life by the dude who "loves" me. I don't care what or who you do. You are not my problem anymore. I'm no longer yours. I don't love you. You've made it impossible. Go away. 

A couple more texts saying he didn't cheat in me. I never said he did. Never made that an issue. But he would never admit to being wrong, so defend yourself against something I could give a shit about? Again, heard nothing I ever said. I ignored those texts too. And... That was it. Peace.  One week and one day of peace. Aaaahhhhhhhhh.

I feel better again...

Meds

I'm not sure if the meds have finally started working, or time, in fact heals? But the panic, heartbreak, anxiety is not here today. Things are still the same. I can't say I'm happy. I will say I don't need to talk myself off a ledge today. 

I was looking at my "favorite ex boyfriend's" fb page. He's a dad now, making wedding plans. I feel nothing but happiness for him. I got a text earlier from a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. He's engaged to his longtime boyfriend. I've paid attention to his growth and happiness over the past couple years, and I had genuine joy for him. I can be happy for people. I didn't think I could. Not with the sadness that is my reality. It feels good not to feel bad for a minute at a time. 

I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. I don't care. Small victory today.

Last Half

I completed another Half Marathon in Wildwood Nj. My time was bad, of course I'm hurting today, but reality was not part of the weekend. 

I found us a house close to the boardwalk and start line. We had family dinner, rode some rides, bar hopped, and all made it across the finish line. Friendships were made, there were some "good byes", lots of laughs, and no mention of my life and hardships. 

I needed this escape. I felt good the entire time. Except the actual running part. That sucks. The reason for this being my last? I knew 2 weeks ago, after running the Broad Street Run, that it is time for me to check my ego and face the facts. I'm too old for this. Shit hurts. Not just the normal pain you get from working out, bone/ joint pain. Recovery takes longer. My performance ain't what it used to be.I love the bonding, but the bragging rights go away when each run takes longer and longer to cross that line.  

Here I am. Back in my bed. Dreading my life and what tomorrow brings. Waiting for these meds to take effect. I was told 2 weeks to 30 days. 2 more days to reach 2 weeks. I can't imagine what they'll do. I was always against drugs. Believed I was supposed to feel everything. 2 docs disagree. No one is supposed to feel this pain 24-7. My hair is turning grey over night. My worry lines get deeper by the minute. I have no plans for the future. I don't care about tomorrow. Just exist one second at a time. I wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up. I had a good life. Key word being "had". If this is how my remaining days are going to pan out? There's no point in this. I am just taking up space. 

No title

I can't think of how to begin or how to end or what goes in between. I'll never get used to people you trust stabbing you in the back. Always seems to come when you're at your lowest. Blindsided. Like... WTF? Then you find who is really your friend. In your darkest hours. 

Things are the worst they can be. I shouldn't say that. I'm begging for more weight with that statement. I will never forgive or forget how some showed their true colors during this time. I'm defeated. Ok life, you win. I'm crying "UNCLE"! I'm tapping out. I submit.

On medication for sleep. Medication to get out of bed. Medication to hold a thought. This is a miserable existence. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through the motions. Lights are on but nobody is home. This is not depression, it's devastation. Agony that has no end. I am good to no one. I can't even save myself. Stay away from me. I'm drowning and may pull you under with me. 

All difficult times in my life had an ending. I could adjust to make the magic happen. I have no control of this. It controls me. I can't fix it. It's killing me. 

4 day weekend

other than running a lot, working out, errands, i got nothing. i guess i could have tried to make a plan, but i didnt. it didnt dawn on me until the drive home from work today. wow, i am alone. no happy hours, no dinners, no fun. a part of me is bored and the other part doesnt want to be bothered. the boy is at work, getting on with his life. i work so hard and look forward to time off. i feel like time is standing still. i wish i could flip the script. i have no motivation. i am wasting my life.