love is...

im not quite sure. but im on a quest to figure it out.

love for my son is a given. its not something you choose, it chooses you. unconditional, unstoppable, overwhelming at times, but a blessing. bonded forever. willing to go to the ends of the earth. and be proud to do it. my greatest accomplishment. my shining star. i am a lucky girl.

love for my dog. a dogs only purpose in life is to love and be loved. perfect. innocent. undying loyalty that you can not find in people. it doesnt hurt that shes a crazy, lil, freak.

but who else? then i thought about it. i love so many people. some whos names i never knew. some i never met. friends who made me laugh til i hurt or cry til my heart bleeds. strangers who lended a hand or told a story to put lifes crazy bullshit into perspective. babies who smile at me or an old man who called me "sweetheart" in the most sincere way. life long friends who know all my ugly but still appreciate me. new aquaintences who take the daily pressures of life away and make you forget about the trials and tribulations if only for a short while. "enemies" who did me so dirty. broke my spirit for periods of time. taking my confidence away. making it almost impossible to trust again. almost. unfortunately, there are lots of them out there. i realize i love them for making me see the opposite of them in others. the good in people. the light from inside. teachers, firemen, police, military, philanthropists. unsung, quiet heroes who do whats right, but take no recognition for it. kind, positive, souls who restore my faith in human kind.

i used to think i was fine alone. gaurded. shut off emotionally from anyone who tried to get close. a hard candy shell. in control of any situation. im slowly breaking down that wall and trying to let love in. and by love? i dont mean the "happily ever after" kind. the "til death do us part" is not my style. i think love is a series of people who impact your life in a positive way. it comes in many forms. many circumstances.

family to me was a negative word. recently, in a crazy chain of events, im reconnecting with my past. im open to what will be. i hope that cycles are broken. but im not niave. here i will have to stay gaurded. survival tactic. i cant allow others to make me feel small anymore. im learning to love. trying to love myself. trying to teach myself that i deserve to be happy. supported. uplifted . and i caznt expect people cant do that for me, i have to do it for myself. but i can be strong enough to not let anyone break me again. so here lies the struggle...

how do i let love in and not risk being hurt? can i be hurt anymore? is it too late for me to feel? the things i have let people do to me in the past has left me too "tuff". i know that cant be a good thing. strong is good. strong to the point of bitter? not so good. i hope this new journey will take all outside influences out of the equation. force me to focus on myself. learn who i am. what i want. who i want to be. and who i want to share that with. i always thought i couldnt change. i can hear myself saying it out loud to people who tried to get close "this is me, this is all i got. i cant change. take it or leave it" i have a feeling, 6 months away from it all, i am going to change. lets just hope its for the better.

i hope when i come back, i find out truley who my friends are. who actually "loves" me. i wont be the same. it would be impossible to be. i will be changed. that is a definite. only time will tell. looking forward to finding out these answers. its a crazy life. with so much good. but i have spent too much time focussing on the bad. that ends now. its a new day. with a new theme. a new song. a new me. well, its a new day. we can start there.

yeah, so phillies...

so a sports fan i am not. i gave it a shot this week. phillies on the way to the world series. hopefully. but i hate the game. love the fans. love the party. but how much importance placed on it? nah
the stress of it is too much for me. with all life has to throw at ya, i cant add being on the edge of my seat. stressing about a win? i just want it over. win or lose. my heart cant take it.

race

ran my first race in 5 years today. i didnt do that well. but it is my first. so thats to be expected. it was a beautiful day. im running under a 10 minute mile. which is slow to most people. but good for me considering i have to run 2 miles in 20 minutes for the army.

down in the dumps. super low. then i met a woman.

we started chatting. 1st about the weather and how we wish it would stay. then on to much deeper and heavier shit.

she is a beautiful black woman. she told me she was 64. but doesnt look a day over 45. natural braids and perfect skin. shes an artist. plays the cello. 2 grown boys. living her life. not answering to anyone. doing what she loves.

she must have been able to sense my pain, even thru my smile and pleasantries. she went on to spit wisdom to me. her kind and gentle spirit was so soothing. all i kept thinking is, if there is a jesus, he lives in her.

she has this gift of making you feel like its going to be ok. and for the brief time in her presence, i believed it. she reminded me that "its always darkest before the dawn". she went thru dark times that no one would believe. and she was not willing to share. she assured me, thru chaos, comes calm. i dont even know her name.

she reminded me of many other life lessons that during these times, you somehow forget. this is one of those times, the kindness of a stranger impacted me. i will never forget her. i love her. and dont know her. i hope one day to be her.

if there is a god, i hope he sends more positive people my way. people who want nothing from me. people i can learn from. strive to be.

thanks to the universe for this small gift that had a huge impact. namaste

gonna jet

im getting outta here. doing something crazy. but crazier not to do it. taking the ultimate risk. gambling with my life. but what kind of life is this to lose? what legacy would i leave? nothing i would be proud of. except the boy. he'll be fine no matter what. he's strong, smart, independent. i raised him already. he has his own wings. i hope he flies. but i have no control over that. his life. his choices. but i have a feeling, as bright as his future is, i think he'll do the philly thing, and not reach his potential because its easier not to.
i have nothing here. but painful shit. im running away. i know this. but sometimes you have to. so, im running into the us army. crazy
war time. me? peace loving. bed wetting liberal. mad at the state of this country and the dire straights of its people. but i am one of those people. lost. no future. no help. no chance. so ill gamble with my life for health benefits and to finish my education.
its not all bad. i do want to be bad ass. be proud of something. accomplish things i never thought i could. step out of this shitty box. learn a new way. hope for peace. expect the worst. take what i can. do my best. learn to love and be loved. or just the opposite. hate and be hated. i dont know. but here i cant stay.
the heaviness in my heart is so overwhelming. i hate to leave michael, but im doing him no good here. he'll prob never know how gut wrenching these past few years have been for me. never ending downward spiral. just when i think i cant get lower, i am proven wrong.
hiding out until i leave. no bells and whistles or good bye celebrations. quiet exit. good byes were never my thing.
i guess ill find out who my friends are. who misses me. keeps me in their thoughts. there when i return. we'll see. i have a feeling ill be even more alone. but no hard feelings. i understand. life goes on and i am insignificant.
i think about the budding romance that will end. and the lucky girl to end up with him. i know that he is much better off. my track record sucks. im not "the one" just one of many. im almost jealous of "her". and maybe ill learn lessons on how to be and find "the one". or maybe not. maybe ill just spend the rest of my days jumping all over the world. not deeply connecting with anyone. that rings truer.
uncle sam, here i come. good, the bad and the prissy. no hairdryers, make up, stilettos. no cell phones or facebook. just me, my thoughts and my country.
if anyone reads this, leave a comment or something that lets me know someone's out there.
cut off from everyone, it will be nice to see this months later. hopefully with a different outlook and a new attitude.

stuck

i have amazing people in my life that keep me laughing. but no one to rely on. these are the days when i realize, if there was a family in my life, i wouldnt be in my situation. i am alone. but surrounded by people.

there is no one i can ask for help. or to lean on. no one has my back. even the people who think they do, do not. i am too far gone for saving.

i see no way out. even the city i love, disappoints me. eagles signing michael vick? what? philly closing their libraries? really? cutting back on cops and fireman? how?

rape and murder in the news everyday. crime is out of control. less police on the streets? less fireman protecting us? so we are left dumber, and more unsafe then yesterday. i want to run away.

the "bad" in people is way more on the surface then ever before. in the last two weeks, i have been devastated by someone who pretends to bring "blessings and peace". this is not the first time i drank the kool aid of someone pretending to be good. hiding behind a phony awareness and light. i am now convinced anyone who claims to be enlightened, is a crumb.

and what's so annoying, a man from my past, insists on spewing silly positive bullshit to me thru emails. i know its fake. hes a toxic ass. who is now trying to prove how different and spiritual he is. how he is doing amazing things and is happy. i fell for all this before. its bullshit. hes sick in the head. but way to narcisistic to ever realize he ain't what he thinks he is. delusional. and it pisses me off that he believes hes selling me this silly snake oil. that all of a sudden, he's a stable, successful, centered man. im calling bullshit.

as an adult and a mother. i am a failure. my son is perfect, but i cant do for him like a parent should. too many knock downs to ever get back up. i need a miracle. but jesus doesnt know me. i need family, but that wont happen. i need a break. but i havent had one of those in a very long time.

spinning my wheels and getting no where. believing in people who take advantage of me. who break me. like im nothing. fo sport. story of my life.

i need to be alone. disappear. vanish.

sister

crazy life this is. twists and turns you never see coming. most surprises are not the good kind. bad news. nowadays anyway. but this weekend brought a surprise of the best kind. my long, lost sister found us!

my father had an affair. the woman became pregnant. that was the end of our "family" as i knew it. my father was not the most responsible person on earth. not by a long shot. the family was doomed from the start. but this was the end.

he had a baby with this woman. they all lived together. i remember when he told me. on my 10th birthday. after she was already born. shocker. happy birthday to me.

i went to their home every weekend for almost a year. then, out of the blue, they were gone.

my father told us that the mother met a sugar daddy and took off to cali. me being 11 bought that. hook, line and sinker.

the truth is much uglier. violent. gross.

daddy at the time, was on drugs. not the fun, light hearted kind. heroin.
the story goes...

he beat the mom. mercilessly. she fled. left the baby in the house. the cops came to get the baby in the morning. and that was it. makes a lot more sense then "moved to cali".

i asked a couple times over the years, what happened. do you know where she is? i was told nothing. but to be quiet, because his current wife, i refer to her as "the savage cunt", didnt know anything about this little snaffoo. there it stayed. dead.

not anymore.

she found me. on facebook. has been looking for a long time. was nervous that she would somehow disrupt our lives. that for some reason we would not welcome her with open arms. couldnt be futher from the truth.

when whatever God was giving out families, we were given the short stick. holidays spent by myself. no reunions in my future. people who were clearly never meant to be parents. given a new sibling? a normal one? who never got the chance to have that "dad" fuck up her head like he did ours? lucky. happy for her.

she's gorgeous and sweet. has a supportive boyfriend in her life who seems to be her rock. shes a 6th grade teacher. seems very loving and just trying to piece it all together. now the fun part...

she wants to meet the dad. i have not seen my father in 10 years. i dont hate him. but hes toxic. no one could make me feel so good about myself, or so awful. love/hate. no gray. just typing that sentence, gave me a light bulb moment of every man who has been in my life. even tho they dont look like my father. or have similar backgrounds or anything in common, they are the master of the mind fuck abuse. i guess i do date my father. anyway...

i said i would go with her. mostly out of spite. you cant just make babies and not care where they are or what theyre doing. you dont get a "re do". you dont get to remarry and keep your secrets. have a new "perfect" family. where you look like a stand up guy. when you have 4 other kids who dont know you. you didnt go to my games. parent/teacher days. help me with homework. you were too busy doing drugs and knocking up women.

but the best part, the "savage cunt" is going to lose her shit! this is going to send her in a much deserved downward spiral. karma. haha. so glad to be apart of this kelly family moment. most likely brought to us by Budweiser. In the can. permanent fixture in my fathers hand. at least up until the last i saw him.

what sucks is, i know he was given a heads up. she asked questions to his friends. hes expecting this shoe to drop. kinda takes a little joy out of it. but still fun.

after all is said and done, im happy to have her in my life. looking forward to learning about her. building a relationship and making up for lost time.

my dad cant hurt her. shit, he cant hurt me anymore either. but i can hurt his wife and the bullshit happy life they put together. boooyyyaaaaaaaaa

30 years

i saw my friend of 30 years. and when i said it out loud, i realized how long i have been on this earth. and how fast it goes. where life takes you. paths that we cross and how we still find the common ground after all these years.
marriages. kids. relocation. career changes. triumphs. defeats. and sentences that start with "remember when".
no more comfortable place then with someone who knows where you been. where you went. and where you are now. and the goals you need to reach.
no judgment. just catch up. laughs. understanding. respect.
today started shitty. ended sweet. except for michael vick being an eagle...
booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo