yelp

Recent reviews by megan k.

What's this?

bucket list

1 be great. do great things. earn bragging rights.


2 live in at least one foreing country. learn the language. the food. culture. become a native.

3 fall in love. real love. dizzying, all consuming, meaningful love. 2 sided. supportive. room to grow. respectful. team work. fullfilling.

4 dance at the boys wedding

5 finish college

6 write a book

7 take a cooking class

8 fly in a helicopter

9 go to the kentucky derby

10 paint again

11 finish another endurance sport

12 complete a yoga teacher training

13 mend broken friendships/relationships

14 cross country trip with good friends

15 land a career

16 perform on stage

17 learn to build a house with habitat for humanity

18 be on the board of a non profit

19 climb a mountain

20 zip line thru the costa rican jungles

21 learn to surf

22 learn to snow board

23 take an exotic trip alone

24 learn an entire dance i.e. salsa, rhumba whatev

love is...

im not quite sure. but im on a quest to figure it out.

love for my son is a given. its not something you choose, it chooses you. unconditional, unstoppable, overwhelming at times, but a blessing. bonded forever. willing to go to the ends of the earth. and be proud to do it. my greatest accomplishment. my shining star. i am a lucky girl.

love for my dog. a dogs only purpose in life is to love and be loved. perfect. innocent. undying loyalty that you can not find in people. it doesnt hurt that shes a crazy, lil, freak.

but who else? then i thought about it. i love so many people. some whos names i never knew. some i never met. friends who made me laugh til i hurt or cry til my heart bleeds. strangers who lended a hand or told a story to put lifes crazy bullshit into perspective. babies who smile at me or an old man who called me "sweetheart" in the most sincere way. life long friends who know all my ugly but still appreciate me. new aquaintences who take the daily pressures of life away and make you forget about the trials and tribulations if only for a short while. "enemies" who did me so dirty. broke my spirit for periods of time. taking my confidence away. making it almost impossible to trust again. almost. unfortunately, there are lots of them out there. i realize i love them for making me see the opposite of them in others. the good in people. the light from inside. teachers, firemen, police, military, philanthropists. unsung, quiet heroes who do whats right, but take no recognition for it. kind, positive, souls who restore my faith in human kind.

i used to think i was fine alone. gaurded. shut off emotionally from anyone who tried to get close. a hard candy shell. in control of any situation. im slowly breaking down that wall and trying to let love in. and by love? i dont mean the "happily ever after" kind. the "til death do us part" is not my style. i think love is a series of people who impact your life in a positive way. it comes in many forms. many circumstances.

family to me was a negative word. recently, in a crazy chain of events, im reconnecting with my past. im open to what will be. i hope that cycles are broken. but im not niave. here i will have to stay gaurded. survival tactic. i cant allow others to make me feel small anymore. im learning to love. trying to love myself. trying to teach myself that i deserve to be happy. supported. uplifted . and i caznt expect people cant do that for me, i have to do it for myself. but i can be strong enough to not let anyone break me again. so here lies the struggle...

how do i let love in and not risk being hurt? can i be hurt anymore? is it too late for me to feel? the things i have let people do to me in the past has left me too "tuff". i know that cant be a good thing. strong is good. strong to the point of bitter? not so good. i hope this new journey will take all outside influences out of the equation. force me to focus on myself. learn who i am. what i want. who i want to be. and who i want to share that with. i always thought i couldnt change. i can hear myself saying it out loud to people who tried to get close "this is me, this is all i got. i cant change. take it or leave it" i have a feeling, 6 months away from it all, i am going to change. lets just hope its for the better.

i hope when i come back, i find out truley who my friends are. who actually "loves" me. i wont be the same. it would be impossible to be. i will be changed. that is a definite. only time will tell. looking forward to finding out these answers. its a crazy life. with so much good. but i have spent too much time focussing on the bad. that ends now. its a new day. with a new theme. a new song. a new me. well, its a new day. we can start there.

yeah, so phillies...

so a sports fan i am not. i gave it a shot this week. phillies on the way to the world series. hopefully. but i hate the game. love the fans. love the party. but how much importance placed on it? nah
the stress of it is too much for me. with all life has to throw at ya, i cant add being on the edge of my seat. stressing about a win? i just want it over. win or lose. my heart cant take it.

race

ran my first race in 5 years today. i didnt do that well. but it is my first. so thats to be expected. it was a beautiful day. im running under a 10 minute mile. which is slow to most people. but good for me considering i have to run 2 miles in 20 minutes for the army.

down in the dumps. super low. then i met a woman.

we started chatting. 1st about the weather and how we wish it would stay. then on to much deeper and heavier shit.

she is a beautiful black woman. she told me she was 64. but doesnt look a day over 45. natural braids and perfect skin. shes an artist. plays the cello. 2 grown boys. living her life. not answering to anyone. doing what she loves.

she must have been able to sense my pain, even thru my smile and pleasantries. she went on to spit wisdom to me. her kind and gentle spirit was so soothing. all i kept thinking is, if there is a jesus, he lives in her.

she has this gift of making you feel like its going to be ok. and for the brief time in her presence, i believed it. she reminded me that "its always darkest before the dawn". she went thru dark times that no one would believe. and she was not willing to share. she assured me, thru chaos, comes calm. i dont even know her name.

she reminded me of many other life lessons that during these times, you somehow forget. this is one of those times, the kindness of a stranger impacted me. i will never forget her. i love her. and dont know her. i hope one day to be her.

if there is a god, i hope he sends more positive people my way. people who want nothing from me. people i can learn from. strive to be.

thanks to the universe for this small gift that had a huge impact. namaste

gonna jet

im getting outta here. doing something crazy. but crazier not to do it. taking the ultimate risk. gambling with my life. but what kind of life is this to lose? what legacy would i leave? nothing i would be proud of. except the boy. he'll be fine no matter what. he's strong, smart, independent. i raised him already. he has his own wings. i hope he flies. but i have no control over that. his life. his choices. but i have a feeling, as bright as his future is, i think he'll do the philly thing, and not reach his potential because its easier not to.
i have nothing here. but painful shit. im running away. i know this. but sometimes you have to. so, im running into the us army. crazy
war time. me? peace loving. bed wetting liberal. mad at the state of this country and the dire straights of its people. but i am one of those people. lost. no future. no help. no chance. so ill gamble with my life for health benefits and to finish my education.
its not all bad. i do want to be bad ass. be proud of something. accomplish things i never thought i could. step out of this shitty box. learn a new way. hope for peace. expect the worst. take what i can. do my best. learn to love and be loved. or just the opposite. hate and be hated. i dont know. but here i cant stay.
the heaviness in my heart is so overwhelming. i hate to leave michael, but im doing him no good here. he'll prob never know how gut wrenching these past few years have been for me. never ending downward spiral. just when i think i cant get lower, i am proven wrong.
hiding out until i leave. no bells and whistles or good bye celebrations. quiet exit. good byes were never my thing.
i guess ill find out who my friends are. who misses me. keeps me in their thoughts. there when i return. we'll see. i have a feeling ill be even more alone. but no hard feelings. i understand. life goes on and i am insignificant.
i think about the budding romance that will end. and the lucky girl to end up with him. i know that he is much better off. my track record sucks. im not "the one" just one of many. im almost jealous of "her". and maybe ill learn lessons on how to be and find "the one". or maybe not. maybe ill just spend the rest of my days jumping all over the world. not deeply connecting with anyone. that rings truer.
uncle sam, here i come. good, the bad and the prissy. no hairdryers, make up, stilettos. no cell phones or facebook. just me, my thoughts and my country.
if anyone reads this, leave a comment or something that lets me know someone's out there.
cut off from everyone, it will be nice to see this months later. hopefully with a different outlook and a new attitude.

stuck

i have amazing people in my life that keep me laughing. but no one to rely on. these are the days when i realize, if there was a family in my life, i wouldnt be in my situation. i am alone. but surrounded by people.

there is no one i can ask for help. or to lean on. no one has my back. even the people who think they do, do not. i am too far gone for saving.

i see no way out. even the city i love, disappoints me. eagles signing michael vick? what? philly closing their libraries? really? cutting back on cops and fireman? how?

rape and murder in the news everyday. crime is out of control. less police on the streets? less fireman protecting us? so we are left dumber, and more unsafe then yesterday. i want to run away.

the "bad" in people is way more on the surface then ever before. in the last two weeks, i have been devastated by someone who pretends to bring "blessings and peace". this is not the first time i drank the kool aid of someone pretending to be good. hiding behind a phony awareness and light. i am now convinced anyone who claims to be enlightened, is a crumb.

and what's so annoying, a man from my past, insists on spewing silly positive bullshit to me thru emails. i know its fake. hes a toxic ass. who is now trying to prove how different and spiritual he is. how he is doing amazing things and is happy. i fell for all this before. its bullshit. hes sick in the head. but way to narcisistic to ever realize he ain't what he thinks he is. delusional. and it pisses me off that he believes hes selling me this silly snake oil. that all of a sudden, he's a stable, successful, centered man. im calling bullshit.

as an adult and a mother. i am a failure. my son is perfect, but i cant do for him like a parent should. too many knock downs to ever get back up. i need a miracle. but jesus doesnt know me. i need family, but that wont happen. i need a break. but i havent had one of those in a very long time.

spinning my wheels and getting no where. believing in people who take advantage of me. who break me. like im nothing. fo sport. story of my life.

i need to be alone. disappear. vanish.