i have to. not only for my own best interest. but its entertaining too. i read your writings. it makes me giggle. fiction. "bad people"? if im bad, your constant abuse made me that way. i should thank you. its much more fun being bad. you give me material. west side is yours. who wants it? as much as you front, youre not from the hood. youre a product of privledge. your old stomping ground just happens to be where you got your ivy league education. is that hood? way to earn your street cred,gansta. poke fun at folks who choose to spend time/money in dope spots around the city. you decide whats cool? ha. you took me to a stephen starr spot on our first date. that is the exact opposite of cool. you think you have me figured out, but you have no idea. insults thru your reviews that only i can spot. luvs it. fyi, i never said the republican is underground. i said it was magic. HUGE difference. im alost 40. i dont go "underground" anymore. kinda sad how bad you want to be legit. just give it up already. im embarrassed for you. embarrassed for me that i even know you. no matter how much you try to convince people of how decent a man you are, i know the truth. your core is black. everything is a lie. proof is in the pudding my friend. me? happy. botoxed and lovin it. fed by restaurants everywhere but west. boy in college and so am i. seeing a great guy with his own shit,who lets me be me. living in an "urban sanktuary". (its spelled wrong on purpose). great friends. unconditional love. looking better than ever. living, learning, growing, laughing. with you? barely surviving, stagnant, crying mess. my how things have changed. keep it up with the jabs. everything you write is directed at me. again, luvs it. i will always retorte. there is so much material i havent used. yet. but keep fucking with me. piss me off enough. give me a reason.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
my dads article in the inquirrer
A long-ago murder solved only in secret
By Mike Kelly
Candy Clothier was quiet, kind, and smart. She wrote poetry. And everybody who knew her loved her, including me back when I was 17. She had been my girlfriend for three years when, at the age of 16, she was murdered.
But that was only the beginning of the tragedy of Candy’s death. Today, more than four decades later, justice is still being denied to her and those who loved her.
The story is well known to those who lived in the Philadelphia area back then. On the cool, blustery evening of March 9, 1968, Candy had left her home in the city’s Northeast to meet me at the gas station where I worked. She never arrived.
For days, the police questioned people (including me, repeatedly) and conducted massive searches. Rumors were rampant: Candy had run away to a hippie community; Candy had been spotted getting into a car; Candy had been seen here and seen there.
More than a month later, on April 14, three fishermen found her decomposed body in Neshaminy Creek. She had been stuffed into a laundry bag.
Now the cops had a murder to investigate. But the Philadelphia police ran from the case, dropping it in the lap of officials in Bucks County, where the body was found.
Naturally, as Candy’s boyfriend, I was a suspect for a time. But the fact is that the cops in Bucks were baffled. They questioned anyone even remotely associated with Candy – including, as it turns out, the actual killers – and came up totally empty-handed.
Six months later, Candy’s father, a Philadelphia fireman, died of a heart attack in his car outside the firehouse, still not knowing who killed his daughter. Elmer Clothier had saved lives, and he lost his to what we all believed was a broken heart.
A murder can make victims of the survivors, too. Candy’s sister could certainly tell you that the family’s lives would never be the same.
For my part, Candy has never completely left me. I visit her grave to this day.
But there’s a greater injustice here, and it begins with one startling fact: Candy’s murder has been solved. Her killers have been identified. The police know who they are. But the Bucks County district attorney is refusing to reveal their names.
In 2005, a woman came forward to tell authorities she had provided the laundry bag Candy was stuffed into. That pivotal clue helped the District Attorney’s Office and Northampton police crack the case.
The authorities now believe Candy was walking to catch a trackless trolley when she accepted a ride from two men who lived in the neighborhood, one of whom she knew. They are thought to have forcibly injected her with an unknown drug that caused her death.
Panicked, they drove to a friend’s house, authorities believe, where they got the bag that they stuffed Candy’s body into, tying it closed with the yellow sweater she was wearing that night. Then they drove to the creek and threw it off a bridge.
And then they lived their lives.
They had careers. Kids of their own. Probably went to Little League practices and dance recitals. Enjoyed Christmases and Thanksgivings and Fourth of July barbecues and graduations and grandchildren.
Candy never had any of that. Neither did the rest of her family. That’s the injustice.
The killers were from upstanding families, one of the investigating officers told me in confidence. “Pillars of the community” is how he put it.
As it turns out, the killers have all died, and, if the universe makes any kind of sense, are finally facing the justice they never faced here. But who were they? If the district attorney has his way, we’ll never know.
In announcing last year that authorities had finally identified Candy’s killers, David Heckler, the Bucks D.A., said it “would be wrong to disclose their names,” which could “blacken their family’s names or impact unfairly on their relatives.” They would “never have the opportunity to defend themselves.”
Funny, Candy never had a chance to defend herself either. Neither did her father – a man who was a pillar of the community himself.
Since Heckler’s announcement, I’ve sought legal recourse and media attention without success. Now I’m afraid nobody will ever face the consequences of Candy’s murder – nobody, that is, except for Candy and her family.
For 42 years, Candy’s killers got away with murder. Now they could get away with it forever.
The killers have been, in a sense, exonerated. The absence of a guilty verdict is a lot like a not-guilty verdict. In not releasing their identities, Heckler is releasing them from earthly justice – the very justice he is sworn to uphold.
“To protect and to serve” goes the motto. To protect and serve whom? Certainly not Candy. Certainly not the law-abiding citizens who loved her. So who is being protected, and why?
An innocent 16-year-old girl with her entire life ahead of her was killed. And the district attorney, an elected official and servant of the people, knows who killed her. But he refuses to tell the people who entrusted him to hold criminals responsible.
Our trust is being broken, and that’s the greatest injustice of all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Kelly, a Philadelphia native, lives in Sarasota, Fla. He can be reached at mdkelly2@verizon.net.
By Mike Kelly
Candy Clothier was quiet, kind, and smart. She wrote poetry. And everybody who knew her loved her, including me back when I was 17. She had been my girlfriend for three years when, at the age of 16, she was murdered.
But that was only the beginning of the tragedy of Candy’s death. Today, more than four decades later, justice is still being denied to her and those who loved her.
The story is well known to those who lived in the Philadelphia area back then. On the cool, blustery evening of March 9, 1968, Candy had left her home in the city’s Northeast to meet me at the gas station where I worked. She never arrived.
For days, the police questioned people (including me, repeatedly) and conducted massive searches. Rumors were rampant: Candy had run away to a hippie community; Candy had been spotted getting into a car; Candy had been seen here and seen there.
More than a month later, on April 14, three fishermen found her decomposed body in Neshaminy Creek. She had been stuffed into a laundry bag.
Now the cops had a murder to investigate. But the Philadelphia police ran from the case, dropping it in the lap of officials in Bucks County, where the body was found.
Naturally, as Candy’s boyfriend, I was a suspect for a time. But the fact is that the cops in Bucks were baffled. They questioned anyone even remotely associated with Candy – including, as it turns out, the actual killers – and came up totally empty-handed.
Six months later, Candy’s father, a Philadelphia fireman, died of a heart attack in his car outside the firehouse, still not knowing who killed his daughter. Elmer Clothier had saved lives, and he lost his to what we all believed was a broken heart.
A murder can make victims of the survivors, too. Candy’s sister could certainly tell you that the family’s lives would never be the same.
For my part, Candy has never completely left me. I visit her grave to this day.
But there’s a greater injustice here, and it begins with one startling fact: Candy’s murder has been solved. Her killers have been identified. The police know who they are. But the Bucks County district attorney is refusing to reveal their names.
In 2005, a woman came forward to tell authorities she had provided the laundry bag Candy was stuffed into. That pivotal clue helped the District Attorney’s Office and Northampton police crack the case.
The authorities now believe Candy was walking to catch a trackless trolley when she accepted a ride from two men who lived in the neighborhood, one of whom she knew. They are thought to have forcibly injected her with an unknown drug that caused her death.
Panicked, they drove to a friend’s house, authorities believe, where they got the bag that they stuffed Candy’s body into, tying it closed with the yellow sweater she was wearing that night. Then they drove to the creek and threw it off a bridge.
And then they lived their lives.
They had careers. Kids of their own. Probably went to Little League practices and dance recitals. Enjoyed Christmases and Thanksgivings and Fourth of July barbecues and graduations and grandchildren.
Candy never had any of that. Neither did the rest of her family. That’s the injustice.
The killers were from upstanding families, one of the investigating officers told me in confidence. “Pillars of the community” is how he put it.
As it turns out, the killers have all died, and, if the universe makes any kind of sense, are finally facing the justice they never faced here. But who were they? If the district attorney has his way, we’ll never know.
In announcing last year that authorities had finally identified Candy’s killers, David Heckler, the Bucks D.A., said it “would be wrong to disclose their names,” which could “blacken their family’s names or impact unfairly on their relatives.” They would “never have the opportunity to defend themselves.”
Funny, Candy never had a chance to defend herself either. Neither did her father – a man who was a pillar of the community himself.
Since Heckler’s announcement, I’ve sought legal recourse and media attention without success. Now I’m afraid nobody will ever face the consequences of Candy’s murder – nobody, that is, except for Candy and her family.
For 42 years, Candy’s killers got away with murder. Now they could get away with it forever.
The killers have been, in a sense, exonerated. The absence of a guilty verdict is a lot like a not-guilty verdict. In not releasing their identities, Heckler is releasing them from earthly justice – the very justice he is sworn to uphold.
“To protect and to serve” goes the motto. To protect and serve whom? Certainly not Candy. Certainly not the law-abiding citizens who loved her. So who is being protected, and why?
An innocent 16-year-old girl with her entire life ahead of her was killed. And the district attorney, an elected official and servant of the people, knows who killed her. But he refuses to tell the people who entrusted him to hold criminals responsible.
Our trust is being broken, and that’s the greatest injustice of all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Kelly, a Philadelphia native, lives in Sarasota, Fla. He can be reached at mdkelly2@verizon.net.
i really do hate my ex bf
again, he's a stalker. so i know he'll see this. i just want to remind him that i think he is the biggest joke on the planet. i know he's in philly again. he has his ways of letting me know. i hope hes back in town because he's a huge failure and couldnt cut it in LALA land. my fav part about this joker is how cool he thinks he is. and how not cool he believes the rest of us to be. and the lengths he goes to to let us know. he's just another "Holden". hates the "in" crowd, but desparately wants to be in it. clown.
out of all the dudes i dated, even the JO i married,even the ex who kicked my ass, none of them make me as ill as this pig.
I heard while in LA he was living in his own filth again. like one of those disgusting hoarders we see on tv. my friend said he actually stunk and she was afraid to sit down. soooo gross. is that the sign of a sane man? hell no. how hard is it to take care of yourself? its just you!!! in a studio apartment! and you dont even work!!!
oh speaking of, he would always say how hard he works. so insulting to those of us who actually bust our asses to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. you dont even clean up after yourself!!! your mom feeds you from 3000 miles away. pays your bills. they prob made you move home because youre almost 40 and they support you.
all the put downs, insults, and threats thrown my way on the daily. bullied by a man that is so pathetic but smart enough to know he had me where he wanted. master of the mind fuck. im so embarrassed that i even hung out with you. let alone was your gf. i try to erase you from my memory. but i hate you so much all i can think about is your demise. and how happy that would make me.
this cat is so delusional. he beleives himself to be many things. all of which he's not. my favorite is how good looking he thinks he is. he is by far the ugliest dude i was ever with. i had to get drunk to be with him. and i know he's reading this. ask yourself... how many times was she with me sober? the answer would be, never.
one time, i thought i saw my ex husband while in a wawa in south philly. and he was with me. but he was always with me, because he didnt let me out of his sight for 5 seconds. he was glued to me. anyway, he says "well, at least you were with a handsome man". wtf??? have you seen my ex husband. the boy is so pretty his nickname in his frat was brother estrogen. he wears $10,000 suits. and his shoes cost more than i make in a month. you? balding, ugly, creepy. in your stupid shoes your mom prob bought and your bad fashion sense. i had a gf who said to me "you are way too hot to be with him". not that being "hot" means anything. but he is so unattractive that friends actually said something. and his personality sucks too. so theres that. he pretends to be a stand up guy. thats his hook. but its all a facade. hes creepy. was going thru my emails, phone, myspace and fb the whole time. me, being so trusting. never thinking someone would be that disgusting, never knew he was tracking my every move since day one. and it was literally day one. he was breaking into my shit from 3000 miles away and lying. saying people told him what i was doing. i was so stupid, i never put 2 and 2 together that he was breaking into my shit. isnt that illegal? isnt larry mente in big shit because of that? if i had his computer taken and investigated, how many times would they find him breaking into every acct i have? crazy, stalker, fuck.
Oh, and i'm putting this out there. again, cause youre a stalker and i know you'll read this. you know my ex bf? the one you hated so much? you said it was for one reason, but the real reason is he's super handsome, successful, charming, with an impressive , well let's just leave it at that. the second you dropped me off after we got back from LA? he picked me up. i spent the whole night with him. he drove me home in the morning. 15 minutes before your stalker ass was at my door at the crack of dawn. i was still wearing the same clothes. i smelled like him. and it was the sweetest victory. and i knew then, your days of controlling me were over. and i loved how you never let me out of your sight because you were afraid i would do something. and the second i could get away from you, i did something. all night. but i wouldnt do anything with you. you are a turn off. take that, bitch.
everytime i write about him i feel better. he has spread so many hateful things about me. mostly lies and gross exaggerations. but who listens to a clown? only other clowns. so who gives a fuck? keep flappin those stupid gums with the greenish/yellow lil teeth. the only ugly dude in LA, and i was with him.
when i met him, it was a really bad time in my life and i was the weakest i have ever been. i was vulnerable. beaten down. scared. he said all the right things like a preditor does. and then he had me where he wanted. dependent on him. and thats where the abuse started. but i was stuck, and had to take it. look at me now. a trained killer. strong. confident. happy. everyday is the best day ever. i even enjoy hating you. its fun. youre a clown and i like writing about it.
out of all the dudes i dated, even the JO i married,even the ex who kicked my ass, none of them make me as ill as this pig.
I heard while in LA he was living in his own filth again. like one of those disgusting hoarders we see on tv. my friend said he actually stunk and she was afraid to sit down. soooo gross. is that the sign of a sane man? hell no. how hard is it to take care of yourself? its just you!!! in a studio apartment! and you dont even work!!!
oh speaking of, he would always say how hard he works. so insulting to those of us who actually bust our asses to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. you dont even clean up after yourself!!! your mom feeds you from 3000 miles away. pays your bills. they prob made you move home because youre almost 40 and they support you.
all the put downs, insults, and threats thrown my way on the daily. bullied by a man that is so pathetic but smart enough to know he had me where he wanted. master of the mind fuck. im so embarrassed that i even hung out with you. let alone was your gf. i try to erase you from my memory. but i hate you so much all i can think about is your demise. and how happy that would make me.
this cat is so delusional. he beleives himself to be many things. all of which he's not. my favorite is how good looking he thinks he is. he is by far the ugliest dude i was ever with. i had to get drunk to be with him. and i know he's reading this. ask yourself... how many times was she with me sober? the answer would be, never.
one time, i thought i saw my ex husband while in a wawa in south philly. and he was with me. but he was always with me, because he didnt let me out of his sight for 5 seconds. he was glued to me. anyway, he says "well, at least you were with a handsome man". wtf??? have you seen my ex husband. the boy is so pretty his nickname in his frat was brother estrogen. he wears $10,000 suits. and his shoes cost more than i make in a month. you? balding, ugly, creepy. in your stupid shoes your mom prob bought and your bad fashion sense. i had a gf who said to me "you are way too hot to be with him". not that being "hot" means anything. but he is so unattractive that friends actually said something. and his personality sucks too. so theres that. he pretends to be a stand up guy. thats his hook. but its all a facade. hes creepy. was going thru my emails, phone, myspace and fb the whole time. me, being so trusting. never thinking someone would be that disgusting, never knew he was tracking my every move since day one. and it was literally day one. he was breaking into my shit from 3000 miles away and lying. saying people told him what i was doing. i was so stupid, i never put 2 and 2 together that he was breaking into my shit. isnt that illegal? isnt larry mente in big shit because of that? if i had his computer taken and investigated, how many times would they find him breaking into every acct i have? crazy, stalker, fuck.
Oh, and i'm putting this out there. again, cause youre a stalker and i know you'll read this. you know my ex bf? the one you hated so much? you said it was for one reason, but the real reason is he's super handsome, successful, charming, with an impressive , well let's just leave it at that. the second you dropped me off after we got back from LA? he picked me up. i spent the whole night with him. he drove me home in the morning. 15 minutes before your stalker ass was at my door at the crack of dawn. i was still wearing the same clothes. i smelled like him. and it was the sweetest victory. and i knew then, your days of controlling me were over. and i loved how you never let me out of your sight because you were afraid i would do something. and the second i could get away from you, i did something. all night. but i wouldnt do anything with you. you are a turn off. take that, bitch.
everytime i write about him i feel better. he has spread so many hateful things about me. mostly lies and gross exaggerations. but who listens to a clown? only other clowns. so who gives a fuck? keep flappin those stupid gums with the greenish/yellow lil teeth. the only ugly dude in LA, and i was with him.
when i met him, it was a really bad time in my life and i was the weakest i have ever been. i was vulnerable. beaten down. scared. he said all the right things like a preditor does. and then he had me where he wanted. dependent on him. and thats where the abuse started. but i was stuck, and had to take it. look at me now. a trained killer. strong. confident. happy. everyday is the best day ever. i even enjoy hating you. its fun. youre a clown and i like writing about it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
weird things
soooo many bizarre things are happening. 1st my father shows up to my mothers house, and apologizes!!! what? they havent spoken in over 25 years. he was recently published in the inquirrer for a story he wrote about a murder 43 years ago. he had no interest in reaching out to us. but oh well. i cant let what others do effect me.
next, the 1st boyfriend. the crazy. who stalked me and made my life hell until i got a restraining order 2 1/2 years after our break up, contacted me. He does not have a fb to stalk me out like a normal person. but instead he found my mothers phone number and called her and left a voice mail. i couldnt believe it. i called him back because curiosity killed the cat, and sometimes i have a death wish. a lil background. He was my "1st love" at 15 years old. and he was 21. i dont blame him for being with me with the age difference. he resisted me as long as he could. but i was persistant. i forced him into dating me. we went out for a year and a half. 7 months of it he was in the navy. and thats where the crazy started. he started telling me what i could and could not do. he told me i couldnt go to my prom, had to stay in on weekends, and basically wanted me to never leave the house. i was 16 at this point. and was not about to be home. so as a 16 yr old does, i did whatever i wanted. when i tried to break it off, things started to get out of hand. he would threaten boys who talked to me. his friends treated me like shit. told him everything i was doing, giving him ammo to freak out.he was a very big and scary man. a loose cannon. when he was on leave, he would camp outside my house, call 100 times a day, look for me everywhere. non stop with the letters. it was sweet relief when he went back. but every time he was home, it was the same thing. until i was pregnant and couldnt risk it anymore. the last time he physically saw me, i was 4 inches shorter. i dont even remember the girl he knew. ive lived a million lifetimes and during those lifetimes,i never gave him a thought. soooooooooooooo the sit down...
because he scares the shit out of me, but im stupid and still wanted to know what he wanted, we met at the mayfair diner. nothing bad can happen there. too public. driving there i wanted to throw up. funny how all these years later, i can still feel like that girl. i was shaking so bad, there was no hiding it. all i could think is, what could he possibly want? is he in a 12 step program or something and needs to make ammends? does he want to tell me how i ruined his life? the real reason he wanted to see me is so lame, and such a let down. he aked me out. yeah, that happened. really? what would make him think that is a good idea? he had no idea what i looked like. i could have been a toothless, 700 lb slob. was i that good of a catch at 16? the answer to that is NO! im still not a catch. but how great could a kid be? I WAS A KID!!!!!! let me say, he is still super handsome. looks just like he did, only with a lil grey. but i still see the crazy behind those green eyes. and i dont invite crazy into my house and ask it to sleep over. i told him i was seeing someone. and he still pushed. i was polite. told him i needed to be somewhere, and i received 10 text messages after, that i ignored all but one. and my response was basically "take care".
then the 3rd thing. i am seeing someone!!! and this is the weirdest of all. a friend of 25 years. i did not see this coming. he breaks some of my very firm rules. major one being his kids. theyre little. i cant get involved with them. if he stayed just my friend, it wouldnt be a prob. but now things changed. our lives are so intertwined, its complicated. no one knows about it yet, because its too weird. my family may or may not have a prob with it. (my mom has his number on her speed dial) friends with us all. he actually took me at 18 yrs old to get the restraining order on the psycho above. he made me a piece of art for my hs grad that has never left me and is still my most prized possession. was there when my son was born, we were at each others weddings, and secretly dated 15 years ago when i broke up with the boys dad, and he was on a break from his gf, now ex wife. no one knew then either. and it didnt change anything. his ex has an idea because she defriended me on fb. ive known her for 20 years, as my friends gf, wife, now ex wife. i have no loyalty to her. but awkward. also, another friend who shall remain nameless because of her current situation, has feelings for him. she cant act on them. but i think she'll be hurt to find this out. its early on in this fling, so we cant make decisions on wether or not we go public. but he's making me happy. and im making him happy. its been a long time since i had genuine feelings for anybody. its nice. comfortable. fun. there are no games. no bullshit because we would never hurt each other. i dont want him to stop seeing other people. he needs to get out there. experience single life. be a playa. i think you need to do that after divorce. so you dont feel like you missed out. i am not ready to commit. as much fun as im having, decisions should never be made out of emotion. and besides, i still have other people in my life im not quite ready to say good bye to.
life is weird, but good
next, the 1st boyfriend. the crazy. who stalked me and made my life hell until i got a restraining order 2 1/2 years after our break up, contacted me. He does not have a fb to stalk me out like a normal person. but instead he found my mothers phone number and called her and left a voice mail. i couldnt believe it. i called him back because curiosity killed the cat, and sometimes i have a death wish. a lil background. He was my "1st love" at 15 years old. and he was 21. i dont blame him for being with me with the age difference. he resisted me as long as he could. but i was persistant. i forced him into dating me. we went out for a year and a half. 7 months of it he was in the navy. and thats where the crazy started. he started telling me what i could and could not do. he told me i couldnt go to my prom, had to stay in on weekends, and basically wanted me to never leave the house. i was 16 at this point. and was not about to be home. so as a 16 yr old does, i did whatever i wanted. when i tried to break it off, things started to get out of hand. he would threaten boys who talked to me. his friends treated me like shit. told him everything i was doing, giving him ammo to freak out.he was a very big and scary man. a loose cannon. when he was on leave, he would camp outside my house, call 100 times a day, look for me everywhere. non stop with the letters. it was sweet relief when he went back. but every time he was home, it was the same thing. until i was pregnant and couldnt risk it anymore. the last time he physically saw me, i was 4 inches shorter. i dont even remember the girl he knew. ive lived a million lifetimes and during those lifetimes,i never gave him a thought. soooooooooooooo the sit down...
because he scares the shit out of me, but im stupid and still wanted to know what he wanted, we met at the mayfair diner. nothing bad can happen there. too public. driving there i wanted to throw up. funny how all these years later, i can still feel like that girl. i was shaking so bad, there was no hiding it. all i could think is, what could he possibly want? is he in a 12 step program or something and needs to make ammends? does he want to tell me how i ruined his life? the real reason he wanted to see me is so lame, and such a let down. he aked me out. yeah, that happened. really? what would make him think that is a good idea? he had no idea what i looked like. i could have been a toothless, 700 lb slob. was i that good of a catch at 16? the answer to that is NO! im still not a catch. but how great could a kid be? I WAS A KID!!!!!! let me say, he is still super handsome. looks just like he did, only with a lil grey. but i still see the crazy behind those green eyes. and i dont invite crazy into my house and ask it to sleep over. i told him i was seeing someone. and he still pushed. i was polite. told him i needed to be somewhere, and i received 10 text messages after, that i ignored all but one. and my response was basically "take care".
then the 3rd thing. i am seeing someone!!! and this is the weirdest of all. a friend of 25 years. i did not see this coming. he breaks some of my very firm rules. major one being his kids. theyre little. i cant get involved with them. if he stayed just my friend, it wouldnt be a prob. but now things changed. our lives are so intertwined, its complicated. no one knows about it yet, because its too weird. my family may or may not have a prob with it. (my mom has his number on her speed dial) friends with us all. he actually took me at 18 yrs old to get the restraining order on the psycho above. he made me a piece of art for my hs grad that has never left me and is still my most prized possession. was there when my son was born, we were at each others weddings, and secretly dated 15 years ago when i broke up with the boys dad, and he was on a break from his gf, now ex wife. no one knew then either. and it didnt change anything. his ex has an idea because she defriended me on fb. ive known her for 20 years, as my friends gf, wife, now ex wife. i have no loyalty to her. but awkward. also, another friend who shall remain nameless because of her current situation, has feelings for him. she cant act on them. but i think she'll be hurt to find this out. its early on in this fling, so we cant make decisions on wether or not we go public. but he's making me happy. and im making him happy. its been a long time since i had genuine feelings for anybody. its nice. comfortable. fun. there are no games. no bullshit because we would never hurt each other. i dont want him to stop seeing other people. he needs to get out there. experience single life. be a playa. i think you need to do that after divorce. so you dont feel like you missed out. i am not ready to commit. as much fun as im having, decisions should never be made out of emotion. and besides, i still have other people in my life im not quite ready to say good bye to.
life is weird, but good
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
the reason ill always be single
this is what i look for in a companion. in no particular order. but all important
1. hot. i have to look at him and be like, daaayyyuuummm.
2. stable. no drama. not even a little.
3. career. i prefer them to "step out the box" and do something they love. different from others.
4. in shape. i work hard to keep it together. its easier for men. no excuses.
5. style. they dont have to rock a suit, but if they do, it best be fly. phat kicks. vintage tees. whatever. just always have flavor. even on down time.
6. no fatties. ever. call me shallow. i dont care.
7. must read.
8. must vote.
9. hair on head. sorry. there are a few exceptions to this rule. but not many.
10. manscape everywhere else.
11. dont try to change me. others have tried and have not succeeded. its pointless.
12. have your own life. own friends. own interests outside of me.
13. jealousy is gross.
14. be funny.
15. like to travel
16. try new things
17. not a deal breaker, but a love for reality tv couldnt hurt.
18. a lil latino in your blood also a plus, but again, not a deal breaker
20. love sushi
21. supportive of all my endeavors, no matter how crazy they seem to be.
22. my best friend
23. no slobs. if you dont clean, you best hire a cleaning service to do it for you. dirty is such a turn off.
24. a man that can cook is hot, but a man that knows how to order great take out is great too.
25. i like gifts. small and large. its so sexy when a man sees something and thinks of you. something as small as a cute lipgloss to as big as a mercedes. ha. thoughtfulness is key. i want to know, when im not around, im still in your head.
26. im made a priority. not that i need him with me 24-7. but the decisions he makes have an effect on me.
27. MUST KNOW HOW TO PARALLEL PARK!
28. no children. grown kids are ok. i raised my kid. not looking to start over. or get involved. what if i love the kid? and we dont work? what if i hate the kid? and like you? too much to think about
29. no racists
30. no homophobes. you would have to be comfortable around my gays
31. not from jersey
32. if you have a barbed wire tattoo? youre a douche. not only could we not date, we cant be friends
33. you are not a fan of celine dion
34. and i dont want a "sensitive" man. if you cry, youre a pussy. unless theres a death or devastating event, you better not shed a tear. i cant see you as weak. your eyes fill up at the end of a chick flick, i gotta bounce
35. NO RIGHT WING, CONSERVATIVE, REPUBLICANS!! trust that youll hate me too
36. everything else, negotiable.
1. hot. i have to look at him and be like, daaayyyuuummm.
2. stable. no drama. not even a little.
3. career. i prefer them to "step out the box" and do something they love. different from others.
4. in shape. i work hard to keep it together. its easier for men. no excuses.
5. style. they dont have to rock a suit, but if they do, it best be fly. phat kicks. vintage tees. whatever. just always have flavor. even on down time.
6. no fatties. ever. call me shallow. i dont care.
7. must read.
8. must vote.
9. hair on head. sorry. there are a few exceptions to this rule. but not many.
10. manscape everywhere else.
11. dont try to change me. others have tried and have not succeeded. its pointless.
12. have your own life. own friends. own interests outside of me.
13. jealousy is gross.
14. be funny.
15. like to travel
16. try new things
17. not a deal breaker, but a love for reality tv couldnt hurt.
18. a lil latino in your blood also a plus, but again, not a deal breaker
20. love sushi
21. supportive of all my endeavors, no matter how crazy they seem to be.
22. my best friend
23. no slobs. if you dont clean, you best hire a cleaning service to do it for you. dirty is such a turn off.
24. a man that can cook is hot, but a man that knows how to order great take out is great too.
25. i like gifts. small and large. its so sexy when a man sees something and thinks of you. something as small as a cute lipgloss to as big as a mercedes. ha. thoughtfulness is key. i want to know, when im not around, im still in your head.
26. im made a priority. not that i need him with me 24-7. but the decisions he makes have an effect on me.
27. MUST KNOW HOW TO PARALLEL PARK!
28. no children. grown kids are ok. i raised my kid. not looking to start over. or get involved. what if i love the kid? and we dont work? what if i hate the kid? and like you? too much to think about
29. no racists
30. no homophobes. you would have to be comfortable around my gays
31. not from jersey
32. if you have a barbed wire tattoo? youre a douche. not only could we not date, we cant be friends
33. you are not a fan of celine dion
34. and i dont want a "sensitive" man. if you cry, youre a pussy. unless theres a death or devastating event, you better not shed a tear. i cant see you as weak. your eyes fill up at the end of a chick flick, i gotta bounce
35. NO RIGHT WING, CONSERVATIVE, REPUBLICANS!! trust that youll hate me too
36. everything else, negotiable.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
just a rant
i have dated a lot of great guys. some not so great. when i look back, i see i was a lucky girl. i was not always an angel. sometimes downright scandalous. ive treated some badly. and i have paid for it 10 fold with karma. i learned my lesson. no more. love them or not. be good to them or bounce. no more games. just honesty. may hurt at first, but long run its better.
one ex in particular, after a long step back, i realize is a total clown. now, ive had hard feelings with boys in the past. no too many. usually im cool with them. no reason to hate. life is short. i want to build bridges, not break um. but lately, im thinking a lot about this one.
he was good at making me feel like everything was my fault. and like i said, in the past, things may have been my fault. but not in this case. he's a clown. clown is a good word. manipulative. needy. suspicious. possesive. spoiled. abusive. self inflated. self important. delusional. narcisistic.
i was constantly accused of bullshit that did not exist. not being used to this, i adapted to being the bad guy. it got so out of control, i had no life outside of him because it wasnt worth the fight. i was defeated. and even during the break up i took full responsibility. no surprise. he took none. all about how he was the martyr. all the stuff he did for me. smoke screen to the actual facts. he always had me where he wanted. beaten down and scared of the shoe to drop. afraid at any minute i would have done/said something to set him off. i was in a position of weakness and he used it to his full advantage. separated from friends and family. no one to talk to. embarrassed about where this had taken me. strong me? brainwashed with stockholm syndrome. symapthizing with my captor. just trying to get thru the day. even months after. i still felt like i was an awful person. it WAS me. i was the asshole. but now, clear head, big distance, time gone by. it was HIM. hes a clown. a phoney. controlling dick head. but is so delusional, he 'll never see it. out of all the relationships i have had. serious/casual whatever. this was by far the worst. and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen. never trust a clown.
I know he'll read this because he's a stalker. checked my phone, breaks in to my emails, tries to break into my facebook. invents conspiracy theories of things that i not only never did, but were so outlandish, there was no defense. he would make crazy threats to tell my son about the "real" me or contact jobs and let them know what kind of person i am. tried every intimadation tactic. bullied me. invaded my haunts. he would tell his friends that i never met, awful things about me. they would in turn, bash me. saying the most horrific things. people i never met? stuff that people i knew all my life couldnt say. set me up to look like a scum bag so he would have a gang rally in his defense. and this was when things were "good". and the worst, tried to make me believe, just recently, that hes normal. happy. successful. centered. bullshit. clownery.
i will be visiting out west. to see friends. i am almost too curious to see him. not because i want anything to do with him. i just want to see the latest performance of a clown. what fairy tales he has invented. and how he"ll spin his failure of a life.
hey clown, get a job. get a life. get a clue. you are not the superstar you believe yourself to be. you are not nearly as smart, charming, or good looking as you think. again with the delusions. go on thinking you know me "better then i know myself" hahaha. clown. go on believing you have everyone and everything figured out. this isnt college. and youre not the athlete anymore.
you are a child. not a man. a bitch. im angry now. its about time. i hate what you did to me. what you made me to beleive about myself. how you made me feel. took a girl at her lowest and tried to kill everything about her. and then cried to anyone who would listen. there are 3 sides to every story. yours, mine and the truth. the difference is, until now, i never spoke my side. im still keeping it classy.
one ex in particular, after a long step back, i realize is a total clown. now, ive had hard feelings with boys in the past. no too many. usually im cool with them. no reason to hate. life is short. i want to build bridges, not break um. but lately, im thinking a lot about this one.
he was good at making me feel like everything was my fault. and like i said, in the past, things may have been my fault. but not in this case. he's a clown. clown is a good word. manipulative. needy. suspicious. possesive. spoiled. abusive. self inflated. self important. delusional. narcisistic.
i was constantly accused of bullshit that did not exist. not being used to this, i adapted to being the bad guy. it got so out of control, i had no life outside of him because it wasnt worth the fight. i was defeated. and even during the break up i took full responsibility. no surprise. he took none. all about how he was the martyr. all the stuff he did for me. smoke screen to the actual facts. he always had me where he wanted. beaten down and scared of the shoe to drop. afraid at any minute i would have done/said something to set him off. i was in a position of weakness and he used it to his full advantage. separated from friends and family. no one to talk to. embarrassed about where this had taken me. strong me? brainwashed with stockholm syndrome. symapthizing with my captor. just trying to get thru the day. even months after. i still felt like i was an awful person. it WAS me. i was the asshole. but now, clear head, big distance, time gone by. it was HIM. hes a clown. a phoney. controlling dick head. but is so delusional, he 'll never see it. out of all the relationships i have had. serious/casual whatever. this was by far the worst. and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen. never trust a clown.
I know he'll read this because he's a stalker. checked my phone, breaks in to my emails, tries to break into my facebook. invents conspiracy theories of things that i not only never did, but were so outlandish, there was no defense. he would make crazy threats to tell my son about the "real" me or contact jobs and let them know what kind of person i am. tried every intimadation tactic. bullied me. invaded my haunts. he would tell his friends that i never met, awful things about me. they would in turn, bash me. saying the most horrific things. people i never met? stuff that people i knew all my life couldnt say. set me up to look like a scum bag so he would have a gang rally in his defense. and this was when things were "good". and the worst, tried to make me believe, just recently, that hes normal. happy. successful. centered. bullshit. clownery.
i will be visiting out west. to see friends. i am almost too curious to see him. not because i want anything to do with him. i just want to see the latest performance of a clown. what fairy tales he has invented. and how he"ll spin his failure of a life.
hey clown, get a job. get a life. get a clue. you are not the superstar you believe yourself to be. you are not nearly as smart, charming, or good looking as you think. again with the delusions. go on thinking you know me "better then i know myself" hahaha. clown. go on believing you have everyone and everything figured out. this isnt college. and youre not the athlete anymore.
you are a child. not a man. a bitch. im angry now. its about time. i hate what you did to me. what you made me to beleive about myself. how you made me feel. took a girl at her lowest and tried to kill everything about her. and then cried to anyone who would listen. there are 3 sides to every story. yours, mine and the truth. the difference is, until now, i never spoke my side. im still keeping it classy.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
down to the wire
almost time to go. life as i know it will come to an abrupt end. no longer in control of my daily life. someone else will have that power. i find that almost comforting. spending a lifetime of trying to figure things out. its a welcomed change to have someone else make my decisions for me. im going on auto pilot. and my issues with authority figures is going to have to come to an end. i wont win any battles, no sense to put up a fight.
im starting to worry. im much older then the others. my body does not bounce back like the lucky youth. aches and pains on any normal day. about to get an ass kickin on the daily. i just hope the physical part is obtainable. i know in the back of my mind, that i can whoop any 20 year olds ass. but i still worry. combat barbie.
i am already planning my return. doing some travel before i touch base back in philly. hopefully have a plan on whats next. a new perspective. a sunny disposition. a renewed love for my hometown. or, if thats not the case, an exit strategy. one that solves everything. the boy happy. me happy. its our time. life is short. and too much time has past not living the lives we want. no more. struggles and bullshit stops now.
my 37th birthday in 3 days. 37. i cant believe it. by 38, i will have a much different life. im excited to see what life that will be.
im starting to worry. im much older then the others. my body does not bounce back like the lucky youth. aches and pains on any normal day. about to get an ass kickin on the daily. i just hope the physical part is obtainable. i know in the back of my mind, that i can whoop any 20 year olds ass. but i still worry. combat barbie.
i am already planning my return. doing some travel before i touch base back in philly. hopefully have a plan on whats next. a new perspective. a sunny disposition. a renewed love for my hometown. or, if thats not the case, an exit strategy. one that solves everything. the boy happy. me happy. its our time. life is short. and too much time has past not living the lives we want. no more. struggles and bullshit stops now.
my 37th birthday in 3 days. 37. i cant believe it. by 38, i will have a much different life. im excited to see what life that will be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)