i have to remind myself how lucky i am

i am so lucky! of course, things could always be better. but im not going to focus on that.

im so proud of my boy. and i wish i was him. of course, he could do better! like get a job and not be so lazy and entitled. but im not going to focus on that either.



i love that i have the opportunity to continue my education. its amazing how much i learn everyday. it makes me feel bad for those less fortunate. at this age, to gain more knowledge is a blessing. and im sucking up this info. and i have become more understanding of people with limited access to an education. as i said before, its a big, beautiful world out there. i need to learn as much as i can about it before my number is up. how sad it is that most in this country will remain ignorant, due to no fault of their own. theres sooooo much information out there. i just want to scratch the surface. i dont know how much longer ill be able to take classes, but im so grateful for what ive been able to take. i will receive my first degree in june. a huge accomplishment for me. i know is only an associates and worthless in the scheme of things, but im not going to focus on that.



still in love. and its still too wierd. im waiting on our first argument. i wonder what it will be about and how we"ll handle each other. the 1st harsh word spoken changes everything. friends for 25 years, after a fight, we turn into a "couple". neither one of us wants that. too many years of bullshit with other people. bad feelings, worse memories, damage done. i know i dont have it in me to hurt him. i would rather hurt myself. friends first. even tho we can never go back to just that. i havent been in a relationship in years. i certainly wasnt looking. single me always had a good time, pretty boys with fancy shoes. sipping martinis, seeing a show,art galleries,swanky parties, guest lists, brunching. uptown and downtown. here i am, back to my NE philly roots. the same place i pretend not to be from. now i spend more time in the NE than i have in 15 years, and lovin it. i didnt know i was looking for this until i found it. its a whole different dynamic. different playing field. i never saw it coming. and even tried to deny it was happening. now here we are. its crazy. he's got baggage. kids and an ex i know. ive never dated anyone with children because they cramped my style. and philly is full of playboy bachelors with no ex wives or offspring. freedom to travel, large bank accounts, well rounded because they answer to no one and do what they want, all the time. and they were great. served their purpose of keeping me entertained. i still talk to most of them. cant have hard feelings when you never had feelings. but my new development brings challenges and i need to adjust. i stay away from the kids. its too confusing for them to see daddy with his girlfriend. and lets face it, i did my time as "mom". im in the empty nester phase. and it aint too bad. besides, i had one kid. i would loose my mind with 3. and he's an amazing dad. he has them half the time. and does everything he's supposed to do and then some. he goes above and beyond for them. i fall in love with him more and more just by him being "daddy". they dont make them like him. trust me. he busts his ass everyday. never complains. he'll put in a full day of hard labor, pick me up and cook for me. any little thing i do for him is appreciated. he's kind, sweet, funny, smart,strong, protective, supportive with a hot bod.ha he would never change me cause he knows everything about me and he still likes me. im glad his ex wasnt happy and moved on. shes in for a rude awakening. she cant do any better, cause that guy doesnt exist. now, all i have to do is fashion him up. NE plumbers dont care about clothes so much. but mens apparel is my favorite. and i just became his new image consultant. his stylist. he'll let me dress him. i hope. cause fall/winter fashion is here. i wonder if he'll rock scarves? haha. prob not. the biggest prob is his ex. divorce not final. negotiation stage. and it gets nasty at times. but im not going to focus on that.



i am lucky to have a beautiful boy,great friends, the cutest dog, a dope crib, a man i love, my health, my rack, support of family, a car that runs, a brain that functions normally, the army and all the benefits it gives me, this sunny day, flowers still living in the garden, food in the fridge, a large supply of diet pepsi, plans to make a difference in my neighborhood for the weekend, social engagements with good peeps, my daily coffee stop, pandora, anything "Housewives" and sooooooo many other blessings i encounter daily. that is what ill focus on

adderal,monogamy,and handguns

I have always been one to take my A.D.D. As an advantage. It made me interested in everything and everyone. But it was never good for sustaining relationships or reaching my potential. My boyfriend when I was 25, was one of the first people to notice I had the attention span of a gnat. He used to say "follow the ball! Follow the ball!" In a voice you would use when teasing a dog. There was no such thing as ADD growing up. My first report card said "lacks self control". Every teacher would say that I was a smart girl but didn't apply myself. I was considered lazy. A trouble maker. But my quick wit and charming demeanor made me popular. I graduated 10th from last from St. Huberts Catholic High School for Girls. And trust me, that was not a grade full of rocket scientists. After I realized there was something wrong with me, something I couldn't control, I started to use it. Working 2-3 fast paced jobs that changed every minute. Trained for endurance sports, took classes, had hobbies, and raised a kid. Constant movement and learning. Never let grass grow under my feet. I also used the help of marijuana maintenance. Going into the military, that treatment was no longer an option. Trying to manage the ADD with no help, I was being crippled. I couldn't hold a thought for a second. I would watch peoples lips move but the words would never register. It was getting so out of control I couldn't sleep or just finish simple daily tasks. I broke down and went to a shrink. Now I'm legally on amphetamines. Its crazy how adderal works. I know what "normal" people feel like now. And I don't always like it. I can accomplish things I could never do before. I'm focused all the time. One thing at a time. But the trade off... I'm boring as hell. I no longer chase shiny objects, lost my swivel head. I used to practice yoga(another ADD treatment) several times a week, now? Never. Not once in 5 months. I am not motivated to find fun. Boy crazy gone. The need to keep it moving is no more. Its an adjustment. I don't know this mck. I don't know if I like her, but there were a lot of things I didn't like about the old one. On days I don't need my brain so much, I don't take it. Just so I can connect to the real me again. I like the 15 lb weight loss and being on the deans list. But I feel so uninteresting. Its crazy how weed was my treatment before and that's not allowed so I have to take actual drugs. Oh well.
Monogamy! Yeah so I'm in love. Its so crazy. But very real. We preceded with caution. Friends for 25 years with mad history. We started hanging out with no intention of any of this happening. Then it did. Even in the beginning we ignored it like it wasn't going on. Then before we knew it, "I love you's". We have no reason to play games. We know each other too well. I would never hurt him. I know he would never hurt me. He is the most stand up man I have ever met. I didn't know I was looking for this and then I found it. A combination of comfort and butterflies. An actual partner in crime who I trust. I haven't trusted anyone in a very long time. Then again no one ever gave me reason to trust them. I have no reason to look for anyone else. He makes me happy and when he's near me a have a permanent smile. We know each other better than family and we still dig each other. I don't know how this will play out. Successful relationships are not something I know about. But then again, I have never been in this position. No regrets. It feels too good to ever wish it away. Stay tuned for updates.
Handguns! Now I sleep with one. With my 6'2" 220lb son away at college and me living smack dab in the middle of the hood,I need it. 7 people were shot at my corner this summer. Not all at once. All different times. One time being 12 noon on a saturday. One dude was blatantly selling dope in front of my door and domestic violence is pretty regular. But still I have no fear. I would live here before the suburbs. I like the flavor. Even in chaos there is beauty. Good people live here too. And my crib is dope, but cheap because of its surroundings. My garden is my zen. Its an escape. And my favorite place. I refuse to move to another place in this town. Next move will be a big one.

im watching you too

i have to. not only for my own best interest. but its entertaining too. i read your writings. it makes me giggle. fiction. "bad people"? if im bad, your constant abuse made me that way. i should thank you. its much more fun being bad. you give me material. west side is yours. who wants it? as much as you front, youre not from the hood. youre a product of privledge. your old stomping ground just happens to be where you got your ivy league education. is that hood? way to earn your street cred,gansta. poke fun at folks who choose to spend time/money in dope spots around the city. you decide whats cool? ha. you took me to a stephen starr spot on our first date. that is the exact opposite of cool. you think you have me figured out, but you have no idea. insults thru your reviews that only i can spot. luvs it. fyi, i never said the republican is underground. i said it was magic. HUGE difference. im alost 40. i dont go "underground" anymore. kinda sad how bad you want to be legit. just give it up already. im embarrassed for you. embarrassed for me that i even know you. no matter how much you try to convince people of how decent a man you are, i know the truth. your core is black. everything is a lie. proof is in the pudding my friend. me? happy. botoxed and lovin it. fed by restaurants everywhere but west. boy in college and so am i. seeing a great guy with his own shit,who lets me be me. living in an "urban sanktuary". (its spelled wrong on purpose). great friends. unconditional love. looking better than ever. living, learning, growing, laughing. with you? barely surviving, stagnant, crying mess. my how things have changed. keep it up with the jabs. everything you write is directed at me. again, luvs it. i will always retorte. there is so much material i havent used. yet. but keep fucking with me. piss me off enough. give me a reason.

my dads article in the inquirrer

A long-ago murder solved only in secret
By Mike Kelly

Candy Clothier was quiet, kind, and smart. She wrote poetry. And everybody who knew her loved her, including me back when I was 17. She had been my girlfriend for three years when, at the age of 16, she was murdered.

But that was only the beginning of the tragedy of Candy’s death. Today, more than four decades later, justice is still being denied to her and those who loved her.

The story is well known to those who lived in the Philadelphia area back then. On the cool, blustery evening of March 9, 1968, Candy had left her home in the city’s Northeast to meet me at the gas station where I worked. She never arrived.

For days, the police questioned people (including me, repeatedly) and conducted massive searches. Rumors were rampant: Candy had run away to a hippie community; Candy had been spotted getting into a car; Candy had been seen here and seen there.

More than a month later, on April 14, three fishermen found her decomposed body in Neshaminy Creek. She had been stuffed into a laundry bag.

Now the cops had a murder to investigate. But the Philadelphia police ran from the case, dropping it in the lap of officials in Bucks County, where the body was found.

Naturally, as Candy’s boyfriend, I was a suspect for a time. But the fact is that the cops in Bucks were baffled. They questioned anyone even remotely associated with Candy – including, as it turns out, the actual killers – and came up totally empty-handed.

Six months later, Candy’s father, a Philadelphia fireman, died of a heart attack in his car outside the firehouse, still not knowing who killed his daughter. Elmer Clothier had saved lives, and he lost his to what we all believed was a broken heart.

A murder can make victims of the survivors, too. Candy’s sister could certainly tell you that the family’s lives would never be the same.

For my part, Candy has never completely left me. I visit her grave to this day.

But there’s a greater injustice here, and it begins with one startling fact: Candy’s murder has been solved. Her killers have been identified. The police know who they are. But the Bucks County district attorney is refusing to reveal their names.

In 2005, a woman came forward to tell authorities she had provided the laundry bag Candy was stuffed into. That pivotal clue helped the District Attorney’s Office and Northampton police crack the case.

The authorities now believe Candy was walking to catch a trackless trolley when she accepted a ride from two men who lived in the neighborhood, one of whom she knew. They are thought to have forcibly injected her with an unknown drug that caused her death.

Panicked, they drove to a friend’s house, authorities believe, where they got the bag that they stuffed Candy’s body into, tying it closed with the yellow sweater she was wearing that night. Then they drove to the creek and threw it off a bridge.

And then they lived their lives.

They had careers. Kids of their own. Probably went to Little League practices and dance recitals. Enjoyed Christmases and Thanksgivings and Fourth of July barbecues and graduations and grandchildren.

Candy never had any of that. Neither did the rest of her family. That’s the injustice.

The killers were from upstanding families, one of the investigating officers told me in confidence. “Pillars of the community” is how he put it.

As it turns out, the killers have all died, and, if the universe makes any kind of sense, are finally facing the justice they never faced here. But who were they? If the district attorney has his way, we’ll never know.

In announcing last year that authorities had finally identified Candy’s killers, David Heckler, the Bucks D.A., said it “would be wrong to disclose their names,” which could “blacken their family’s names or impact unfairly on their relatives.” They would “never have the opportunity to defend themselves.”

Funny, Candy never had a chance to defend herself either. Neither did her father – a man who was a pillar of the community himself.

Since Heckler’s announcement, I’ve sought legal recourse and media attention without success. Now I’m afraid nobody will ever face the consequences of Candy’s murder – nobody, that is, except for Candy and her family.

For 42 years, Candy’s killers got away with murder. Now they could get away with it forever.

The killers have been, in a sense, exonerated. The absence of a guilty verdict is a lot like a not-guilty verdict. In not releasing their identities, Heckler is releasing them from earthly justice – the very justice he is sworn to uphold.

“To protect and to serve” goes the motto. To protect and serve whom? Certainly not Candy. Certainly not the law-abiding citizens who loved her. So who is being protected, and why?

An innocent 16-year-old girl with her entire life ahead of her was killed. And the district attorney, an elected official and servant of the people, knows who killed her. But he refuses to tell the people who entrusted him to hold criminals responsible.

Our trust is being broken, and that’s the greatest injustice of all.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Kelly, a Philadelphia native, lives in Sarasota, Fla. He can be reached at mdkelly2@verizon.net.

i really do hate my ex bf

again, he's a stalker. so i know he'll see this. i just want to remind him that i think he is the biggest joke on the planet. i know he's in philly again. he has his ways of letting me know. i hope hes back in town because he's a huge failure and couldnt cut it in LALA land. my fav part about this joker is how cool he thinks he is. and how not cool he believes the rest of us to be. and the lengths he goes to to let us know. he's just another "Holden". hates the "in" crowd, but desparately wants to be in it. clown.
out of all the dudes i dated, even the JO i married,even the ex who kicked my ass, none of them make me as ill as this pig.
I heard while in LA he was living in his own filth again. like one of those disgusting hoarders we see on tv. my friend said he actually stunk and she was afraid to sit down. soooo gross. is that the sign of a sane man? hell no. how hard is it to take care of yourself? its just you!!! in a studio apartment! and you dont even work!!!
oh speaking of, he would always say how hard he works. so insulting to those of us who actually bust our asses to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. you dont even clean up after yourself!!! your mom feeds you from 3000 miles away. pays your bills. they prob made you move home because youre almost 40 and they support you.
all the put downs, insults, and threats thrown my way on the daily. bullied by a man that is so pathetic but smart enough to know he had me where he wanted. master of the mind fuck. im so embarrassed that i even hung out with you. let alone was your gf. i try to erase you from my memory. but i hate you so much all i can think about is your demise. and how happy that would make me.
this cat is so delusional. he beleives himself to be many things. all of which he's not. my favorite is how good looking he thinks he is. he is by far the ugliest dude i was ever with. i had to get drunk to be with him. and i know he's reading this. ask yourself... how many times was she with me sober? the answer would be, never.
one time, i thought i saw my ex husband while in a wawa in south philly. and he was with me. but he was always with me, because he didnt let me out of his sight for 5 seconds. he was glued to me. anyway, he says "well, at least you were with a handsome man". wtf??? have you seen my ex husband. the boy is so pretty his nickname in his frat was brother estrogen. he wears $10,000 suits. and his shoes cost more than i make in a month. you? balding, ugly, creepy. in your stupid shoes your mom prob bought and your bad fashion sense. i had a gf who said to me "you are way too hot to be with him". not that being "hot" means anything. but he is so unattractive that friends actually said something. and his personality sucks too. so theres that. he pretends to be a stand up guy. thats his hook. but its all a facade. hes creepy. was going thru my emails, phone, myspace and fb the whole time. me, being so trusting. never thinking someone would be that disgusting, never knew he was tracking my every move since day one. and it was literally day one. he was breaking into my shit from 3000 miles away and lying. saying people told him what i was doing. i was so stupid, i never put 2 and 2 together that he was breaking into my shit. isnt that illegal? isnt larry mente in big shit because of that? if i had his computer taken and investigated, how many times would they find him breaking into every acct i have? crazy, stalker, fuck.
Oh, and i'm putting this out there. again, cause youre a stalker and i know you'll read this. you know my ex bf? the one you hated so much? you said it was for one reason, but the real reason is he's super handsome, successful, charming, with an impressive , well let's just leave it at that. the second you dropped me off after we got back from LA? he picked me up. i spent the whole night with him. he drove me home in the morning. 15 minutes before your stalker ass was at my door at the crack of dawn. i was still wearing the same clothes. i smelled like him. and it was the sweetest victory. and i knew then, your days of controlling me were over. and i loved how you never let me out of your sight because you were afraid i would do something. and the second i could get away from you, i did something. all night. but i wouldnt do anything with you. you are a turn off. take that, bitch.
everytime i write about him i feel better. he has spread so many hateful things about me. mostly lies and gross exaggerations. but who listens to a clown? only other clowns. so who gives a fuck? keep flappin those stupid gums with the greenish/yellow lil teeth. the only ugly dude in LA, and i was with him.
when i met him, it was a really bad time in my life and i was the weakest i have ever been. i was vulnerable. beaten down. scared. he said all the right things like a preditor does. and then he had me where he wanted. dependent on him. and thats where the abuse started. but i was stuck, and had to take it. look at me now. a trained killer. strong. confident. happy. everyday is the best day ever. i even enjoy hating you. its fun. youre a clown and i like writing about it.

weird things

soooo many bizarre things are happening. 1st my father shows up to my mothers house, and apologizes!!! what? they havent spoken in over 25 years. he was recently published in the inquirrer for a story he wrote about a murder 43 years ago. he had no interest in reaching out to us. but oh well. i cant let what others do effect me.

next, the 1st boyfriend. the crazy. who stalked me and made my life hell until i got a restraining order 2 1/2 years after our break up, contacted me. He does not have a fb to stalk me out like a normal person. but instead he found my mothers phone number and called her and left a voice mail. i couldnt believe it. i called him back because curiosity killed the cat, and sometimes i have a death wish. a lil background. He was my "1st love" at 15 years old. and he was 21. i dont blame him for being with me with the age difference. he resisted me as long as he could. but i was persistant. i forced him into dating me. we went out for a year and a half. 7 months of it he was in the navy. and thats where the crazy started. he started telling me what i could and could not do. he told me i couldnt go to my prom, had to stay in on weekends, and basically wanted me to never leave the house. i was 16 at this point. and was not about to be home. so as a 16 yr old does, i did whatever i wanted. when i tried to break it off, things started to get out of hand. he would threaten boys who talked to me. his friends treated me like shit. told him everything i was doing, giving him ammo to freak out.he was a very big and scary man. a loose cannon. when he was on leave, he would camp outside my house, call 100 times a day, look for me everywhere. non stop with the letters. it was sweet relief when he went back. but every time he was home, it was the same thing. until i was pregnant and couldnt risk it anymore. the last time he physically saw me, i was 4 inches shorter. i dont even remember the girl he knew. ive lived a million lifetimes and during those lifetimes,i never gave him a thought. soooooooooooooo the sit down...

because he scares the shit out of me, but im stupid and still wanted to know what he wanted, we met at the mayfair diner. nothing bad can happen there. too public. driving there i wanted to throw up. funny how all these years later, i can still feel like that girl. i was shaking so bad, there was no hiding it. all i could think is, what could he possibly want? is he in a 12 step program or something and needs to make ammends? does he want to tell me how i ruined his life? the real reason he wanted to see me is so lame, and such a let down. he aked me out. yeah, that happened. really? what would make him think that is a good idea? he had no idea what i looked like. i could have been a toothless, 700 lb slob. was i that good of a catch at 16? the answer to that is NO! im still not a catch. but how great could a kid be? I WAS A KID!!!!!! let me say, he is still super handsome. looks just like he did, only with a lil grey. but i still see the crazy behind those green eyes. and i dont invite crazy into my house and ask it to sleep over. i told him i was seeing someone. and he still pushed. i was polite. told him i needed to be somewhere, and i received 10 text messages after, that i ignored all but one. and my response was basically "take care".

then the 3rd thing. i am seeing someone!!! and this is the weirdest of all. a friend of 25 years. i did not see this coming. he breaks some of my very firm rules. major one being his kids. theyre little. i cant get involved with them. if he stayed just my friend, it wouldnt be a prob. but now things changed. our lives are so intertwined, its complicated. no one knows about it yet, because its too weird. my family may or may not have a prob with it. (my mom has his number on her speed dial) friends with us all. he actually took me at 18 yrs old to get the restraining order on the psycho above. he made me a piece of art for my hs grad that has never left me and is still my most prized possession. was there when my son was born, we were at each others weddings, and secretly dated 15 years ago when i broke up with the boys dad, and he was on a break from his gf, now ex wife. no one knew then either. and it didnt change anything. his ex has an idea because she defriended me on fb. ive known her for 20 years, as my friends gf, wife, now ex wife. i have no loyalty to her. but awkward. also, another friend who shall remain nameless because of her current situation, has feelings for him. she cant act on them. but i think she'll be hurt to find this out. its early on in this fling, so we cant make decisions on wether or not we go public. but he's making me happy. and im making him happy. its been a long time since i had genuine feelings for anybody. its nice. comfortable. fun. there are no games. no bullshit because we would never hurt each other. i dont want him to stop seeing other people. he needs to get out there. experience single life. be a playa. i think you need to do that after divorce. so you dont feel like you missed out. i am not ready to commit. as much fun as im having, decisions should never be made out of emotion. and besides, i still have other people in my life im not quite ready to say good bye to.

life is weird, but good

the reason ill always be single

this is what i look for in a companion. in no particular order. but all important

1. hot. i have to look at him and be like, daaayyyuuummm.
2. stable. no drama. not even a little.
3. career. i prefer them to "step out the box" and do something they love. different from others.
4. in shape. i work hard to keep it together. its easier for men. no excuses.
5. style. they dont have to rock a suit, but if they do, it best be fly. phat kicks. vintage tees. whatever. just always have flavor. even on down time.
6. no fatties. ever. call me shallow. i dont care.
7. must read.
8. must vote.
9. hair on head. sorry. there are a few exceptions to this rule. but not many.
10. manscape everywhere else.
11. dont try to change me. others have tried and have not succeeded. its pointless.
12. have your own life. own friends. own interests outside of me.
13. jealousy is gross.
14. be funny.
15. like to travel
16. try new things
17. not a deal breaker, but a love for reality tv couldnt hurt.
18. a lil latino in your blood also a plus, but again, not a deal breaker
20. love sushi
21. supportive of all my endeavors, no matter how crazy they seem to be.
22. my best friend
23. no slobs. if you dont clean, you best hire a cleaning service to do it for you. dirty is such a turn off.
24. a man that can cook is hot, but a man that knows how to order great take out is great too.
25. i like gifts. small and large. its so sexy when a man sees something and thinks of you. something as small as a cute lipgloss to as big as a mercedes. ha. thoughtfulness is key. i want to know, when im not around, im still in your head.
26. im made a priority. not that i need him with me 24-7. but the decisions he makes have an effect on me.
27. MUST KNOW HOW TO PARALLEL PARK!
28. no children. grown kids are ok. i raised my kid. not looking to start over. or get involved. what if i love the kid? and we dont work? what if i hate the kid? and like you? too much to think about
29. no racists
30. no homophobes. you would have to be comfortable around my gays
31. not from jersey
32. if you have a barbed wire tattoo? youre a douche. not only could we not date, we cant be friends
33. you are not a fan of celine dion
34. and i dont want a "sensitive" man. if you cry, youre a pussy. unless theres a death or devastating event, you better not shed a tear. i cant see you as weak. your eyes fill up at the end of a chick flick, i gotta bounce
35. NO RIGHT WING, CONSERVATIVE, REPUBLICANS!! trust that youll hate me too
36. everything else, negotiable.