2011

winding down another year. where does time go? i will say that this year was so much better than the recent. the worst being 2008/2009. i will always remember that time of my life as my lowest point. i have not always had it easy, but that time was brutally hard. for many reasons. many circumstances. bad people. bad situations. at that time i wanted to curl into the fetal position and just disappear. i did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. i didnt even see the tunnel. each day was gut wrenching but i always wore a smile as a mask. i never let those around me know just how bad it was. i know the people close to me would be shocked to know what i was going thru. no point in filling them in. especially now, when things are golden. i really do wake up everyday and thank jebus im out of that nightmare. everyday is an adventure. and even the difficult becomes just a challenge. and these days, there is no challenge i cant meet. my smile is permanent. not a mask. i eat life and hate that its moving so fast. so many things to accomplish and experience. so many people to meet and places to see. so many books to read, shows to see, and classes to take. the end of the day is a small death. did i do everything i needed to do? did i progress? make a difference? learn something? am i a better person today than yesterday? i tell myself "i am financially stable, physically fit, and the love in my life is abundant". crazy how that works. tomorrow i turn 39. and while others my age are complaining about getting old, i still see myself as a teenager. i dont feel any different now as i did then. only smarter, stronger, more guarded, less trusting of those who dont deserve me, more open to possibilities, clearer head and a more adventurous spirit. but im the same. i have that same feeling of invinsibility a teenager has. after what ive been thru, nothing and no one can break me. i look at the world as if its new. and its my oyster. tomorrow always comes. i guess, without 2008-2009 i wouldnt know what its like to feel good. to be proud. to stay motivated. i wont look back unless i need a reminder of how life's not supposed to be. but lets not get it twisted, i wont forget how some used my situation to their advantage. karma, karma, karma. if it hasnt gotten you yet, its coming. and if it doesnt, im coming.

wrap it up

let me start this by saying i am a bed wetting liberal. odd being that im in the military. the real 1%. i have been accused of being a socialist in the past. i do believe if we indeed live in the greatest country on earth, our citizens should be educated and healthy. all should have access to higher learning and health care to be competitive and a "super power". i too am disgusted about the rich getting richer and the middle class getting smaller. unemployment rates growing and jobs that do not pay a living wage. i was at occupy philly at its conception and popped in and out during its beginning stages. but its time to go. i support everyones right to protest. i signed my name on that line to protect that right. but at this point what is being accomplished? the occupy movement sent messages and made history. any progress to be made was made. nothing will change. and your voices are no longer being heard. even i stopped listening. time to pack up your tents and let commerce move back in to dilworth plaza. jobs are at stake. this philadelphia holiday tradition provides paychecks to 100's. and theyre the 99%. (i hate the marxist propaganda attached to occupy). it was a noble cause but now has become an embarrassment. vandalism, violence among you, rape allegations and other negatives. seems to be only stragglers left. not activists. what do you hope to change? its over. the mayor, police, and philadelphia as a whole have been more than supportive. compared to less tolerant occupy movements across the country, philadelphia embraced it and not only let you live peacefully but protected you as well. dont shoot yourself in the foot. cooperate with them, as they did with you. respect your fellow 99% and let them pay their bills.
philly is a union town and you dont fuck with the unions. a lot of those guys have been laid off for months. with the state of the economy there isnt enough work to go around. be smart. move out now. the philly unions do not have the reputation of being understanding when something stands in their way. when it gets ugly, and if youre preventing them from working it will, youll have no one to blame but yourself. this is philly. not portland. we bust skulls and this is not new. lets not forget all the vendors that make their livings during the holiday season and those they employ. all the tourists emptying their pockets in our city providing revenue we so desperately need. the suburbanite women who make the trip into the city specifically for the "christmas village" or whatever its called this year. parents bring their children here and people go out of the way of their normal commute to walk thru it. occupy philly, if you refuse to go, all the work you did will be for nothing. you will quickly go from an annoyance to enemy #1. when you take food out of mouths you will not be tolerated. that christmas town is going up no matter what. and you shouldnt fight it. fighting it defeats your whole purpose. now youre going to hurt the working man? go home! if you have no home, start a tent city somewhere else. clark park is a good place for you. no too touristy, students, academics, nearby yoga studios. its a diverse and artistic community. go there. stay forever. no one will care.

on an unrelated topic, i hate penn state.

options...

Its funny when youre calm about the future with no concrete plan, what falls into your lap. im faced with opportunities that are exciting. and im pursuing them as if they are my only options. 1st, i want to deploy and my position is open in the big sand box (Afghanistan) and a slot in Kuwait (super competitive, everyone wants to go there). if i deploy, it will be a 365 day tour. during which time, i can stack A LOT of chips, making almost triple with no bills to pay. getting a huge start on my retirement fund! also, i can finish my BA while there, because theres nothing else to do. i can rack up all kinds of promotion points being in a combat area. and lets not forget bragging rights. its badass to go over seas. if im doing this army thing, why not fight the real fight? a year will go by quick. everyone i talked to whos there now or already home says the same thing. its not so bad. besides for home sickness, no booze or sex, boredom, and the dangers, it goes by quick. and with a positive attitude, you can find the fun. and everyone comes back super buff in the best shape of their lives. its kinda like prison. lots of free time to work out. deployment does the body good.

next, and this is the crazy one, i have an opportunity to go to Bucknell U on a full scholarship for my last two years. tuition, room, board, and a stipend. my GPA is a 3.8. my military career, low income, my pursuit of a BA in arts, and my grades have made me eligible to receive this award, totalling more than $100 grand. how crazy is that? i would have to live in lewisburg pa, but i have lived in oklahoma which is the worst place on earth. how bad can lewisburg be? having a degree from Bucknell is something i would never have thought possible. braggin rights a plenty! who am i??????


i have a job opportunity. if i didnt have anything else going on, would be cool. stable, flexible, decent income. no braggin rights with this gig, and its not something that i want to do forever, but ill go for it anyway. if i deploy, law says they have to hold my job. if i take the Bucknell slot, i would lose the spot. but who cares? patriot league bitches! i would be way too good for that job with that diploma.

so, i will attack each opportunity as if its my only choice and see who wins the MCK!

life is good,

:,)

i love halloween. this year i went to a party in the delco burbs of a boy i dated for a pretty long time. we were never bf/gf. i think we kept going just so we wouldnt lose each other from our lives. we stayed friends. he now has found "the one". i think i like her even more than i like him. shes pretty awesome. they just moved into a huge house together. and they include me. i feel super lucky for that. i enjoy both of their company and i'm so happy for them. hes found everything he ever wanted in a woman. its nice to witness. even nicer that i didnt have to lose my friend and i gained a new one.i know ill be attending their wedding and wishing them a life time of happiness and meaning it. life is weird like that. some dudes i dated, are my good friends now. not a twinge of jealousy, only joy. but if she was an asshole, that would be a different story. i'm sure i wouldnt be apart of their lives, but then again, he wouldnt end up with an asshole. that's why were good friends. we've all been with people who didnt deserve us, people we're embarrassed to admit spending time with. i know im guilty of that. so is he. the only time we had a break in our friendship, is when he had someone in his life who was just awful. we didnt speak for a long time. i was actually hurt and confused as to why he was with her. but we all make bad choices when it comes to the opposite sex sometimes. have to do bad, so you know how to do good. im happy we met 7 years ago and happy where we are now. im lucky to have connections that last, and bonds that cant be broken. new connections that are surprising but wonderful. and a future that includes my favorite people.still recovering from the party, but my heart feels good. love. love .love. all around me. how lucky am i?

I just read this and luvs it.

IRISH SALAMANDER (FIRE ELEMENTAL)
Salamanders are the spiritual beings who inhabit and control the element Fire. It is through their activities that fire exists. There are many family branches of salamanders, each differing in size and appearance. In folklore they were ruled over by a magnificent flaming king who was called Djin.

Salamanders are the strongest and most powerful of all the elementals. They have the ability to extend or diminish their size as needed. They are mischievous spirits, who like children don't fully understand the results of their actions, which can affect the thoughts and actions of people around them.

Salamanders are thought to move about most freely at night and if you are ever lucky enough to see them, they would appear as small balls of light drifting across the air and water.

Old-time sailors often saw them investigating the sails of their ships while sailing at sea, and the term “St. Elmo’s Fire” was coined to refer to such phenomenon. On land they are mostly perceived as small lizard-like flames about a foot or more in length.

Salamanders can have a profound effect upon human nature. Linked through the heat with which we maintain are bodily temperatures, they can influence our emotions and general temperament. When someone is called a hothead, or is referred to as hot-blooded, these are terms referring to their elemental nature.

Fire is traditionally assigned to the South, towards the equator (Northern Hemisphere). The Goddesses Brigid, Hestia, Pele and the God’s Mars and Vulcan, among others, are associated with Fire.

Fire is destructive, strong, protective, courageous and trustful.

i have to remind myself how lucky i am

i am so lucky! of course, things could always be better. but im not going to focus on that.

im so proud of my boy. and i wish i was him. of course, he could do better! like get a job and not be so lazy and entitled. but im not going to focus on that either.



i love that i have the opportunity to continue my education. its amazing how much i learn everyday. it makes me feel bad for those less fortunate. at this age, to gain more knowledge is a blessing. and im sucking up this info. and i have become more understanding of people with limited access to an education. as i said before, its a big, beautiful world out there. i need to learn as much as i can about it before my number is up. how sad it is that most in this country will remain ignorant, due to no fault of their own. theres sooooo much information out there. i just want to scratch the surface. i dont know how much longer ill be able to take classes, but im so grateful for what ive been able to take. i will receive my first degree in june. a huge accomplishment for me. i know is only an associates and worthless in the scheme of things, but im not going to focus on that.



still in love. and its still too wierd. im waiting on our first argument. i wonder what it will be about and how we"ll handle each other. the 1st harsh word spoken changes everything. friends for 25 years, after a fight, we turn into a "couple". neither one of us wants that. too many years of bullshit with other people. bad feelings, worse memories, damage done. i know i dont have it in me to hurt him. i would rather hurt myself. friends first. even tho we can never go back to just that. i havent been in a relationship in years. i certainly wasnt looking. single me always had a good time, pretty boys with fancy shoes. sipping martinis, seeing a show,art galleries,swanky parties, guest lists, brunching. uptown and downtown. here i am, back to my NE philly roots. the same place i pretend not to be from. now i spend more time in the NE than i have in 15 years, and lovin it. i didnt know i was looking for this until i found it. its a whole different dynamic. different playing field. i never saw it coming. and even tried to deny it was happening. now here we are. its crazy. he's got baggage. kids and an ex i know. ive never dated anyone with children because they cramped my style. and philly is full of playboy bachelors with no ex wives or offspring. freedom to travel, large bank accounts, well rounded because they answer to no one and do what they want, all the time. and they were great. served their purpose of keeping me entertained. i still talk to most of them. cant have hard feelings when you never had feelings. but my new development brings challenges and i need to adjust. i stay away from the kids. its too confusing for them to see daddy with his girlfriend. and lets face it, i did my time as "mom". im in the empty nester phase. and it aint too bad. besides, i had one kid. i would loose my mind with 3. and he's an amazing dad. he has them half the time. and does everything he's supposed to do and then some. he goes above and beyond for them. i fall in love with him more and more just by him being "daddy". they dont make them like him. trust me. he busts his ass everyday. never complains. he'll put in a full day of hard labor, pick me up and cook for me. any little thing i do for him is appreciated. he's kind, sweet, funny, smart,strong, protective, supportive with a hot bod.ha he would never change me cause he knows everything about me and he still likes me. im glad his ex wasnt happy and moved on. shes in for a rude awakening. she cant do any better, cause that guy doesnt exist. now, all i have to do is fashion him up. NE plumbers dont care about clothes so much. but mens apparel is my favorite. and i just became his new image consultant. his stylist. he'll let me dress him. i hope. cause fall/winter fashion is here. i wonder if he'll rock scarves? haha. prob not. the biggest prob is his ex. divorce not final. negotiation stage. and it gets nasty at times. but im not going to focus on that.



i am lucky to have a beautiful boy,great friends, the cutest dog, a dope crib, a man i love, my health, my rack, support of family, a car that runs, a brain that functions normally, the army and all the benefits it gives me, this sunny day, flowers still living in the garden, food in the fridge, a large supply of diet pepsi, plans to make a difference in my neighborhood for the weekend, social engagements with good peeps, my daily coffee stop, pandora, anything "Housewives" and sooooooo many other blessings i encounter daily. that is what ill focus on

adderal,monogamy,and handguns

I have always been one to take my A.D.D. As an advantage. It made me interested in everything and everyone. But it was never good for sustaining relationships or reaching my potential. My boyfriend when I was 25, was one of the first people to notice I had the attention span of a gnat. He used to say "follow the ball! Follow the ball!" In a voice you would use when teasing a dog. There was no such thing as ADD growing up. My first report card said "lacks self control". Every teacher would say that I was a smart girl but didn't apply myself. I was considered lazy. A trouble maker. But my quick wit and charming demeanor made me popular. I graduated 10th from last from St. Huberts Catholic High School for Girls. And trust me, that was not a grade full of rocket scientists. After I realized there was something wrong with me, something I couldn't control, I started to use it. Working 2-3 fast paced jobs that changed every minute. Trained for endurance sports, took classes, had hobbies, and raised a kid. Constant movement and learning. Never let grass grow under my feet. I also used the help of marijuana maintenance. Going into the military, that treatment was no longer an option. Trying to manage the ADD with no help, I was being crippled. I couldn't hold a thought for a second. I would watch peoples lips move but the words would never register. It was getting so out of control I couldn't sleep or just finish simple daily tasks. I broke down and went to a shrink. Now I'm legally on amphetamines. Its crazy how adderal works. I know what "normal" people feel like now. And I don't always like it. I can accomplish things I could never do before. I'm focused all the time. One thing at a time. But the trade off... I'm boring as hell. I no longer chase shiny objects, lost my swivel head. I used to practice yoga(another ADD treatment) several times a week, now? Never. Not once in 5 months. I am not motivated to find fun. Boy crazy gone. The need to keep it moving is no more. Its an adjustment. I don't know this mck. I don't know if I like her, but there were a lot of things I didn't like about the old one. On days I don't need my brain so much, I don't take it. Just so I can connect to the real me again. I like the 15 lb weight loss and being on the deans list. But I feel so uninteresting. Its crazy how weed was my treatment before and that's not allowed so I have to take actual drugs. Oh well.
Monogamy! Yeah so I'm in love. Its so crazy. But very real. We preceded with caution. Friends for 25 years with mad history. We started hanging out with no intention of any of this happening. Then it did. Even in the beginning we ignored it like it wasn't going on. Then before we knew it, "I love you's". We have no reason to play games. We know each other too well. I would never hurt him. I know he would never hurt me. He is the most stand up man I have ever met. I didn't know I was looking for this and then I found it. A combination of comfort and butterflies. An actual partner in crime who I trust. I haven't trusted anyone in a very long time. Then again no one ever gave me reason to trust them. I have no reason to look for anyone else. He makes me happy and when he's near me a have a permanent smile. We know each other better than family and we still dig each other. I don't know how this will play out. Successful relationships are not something I know about. But then again, I have never been in this position. No regrets. It feels too good to ever wish it away. Stay tuned for updates.
Handguns! Now I sleep with one. With my 6'2" 220lb son away at college and me living smack dab in the middle of the hood,I need it. 7 people were shot at my corner this summer. Not all at once. All different times. One time being 12 noon on a saturday. One dude was blatantly selling dope in front of my door and domestic violence is pretty regular. But still I have no fear. I would live here before the suburbs. I like the flavor. Even in chaos there is beauty. Good people live here too. And my crib is dope, but cheap because of its surroundings. My garden is my zen. Its an escape. And my favorite place. I refuse to move to another place in this town. Next move will be a big one.