scattered

I haven't taken my Adderal in a few days. I'm trying to cope without it. It did help that I was on spring break from school all last week. I went back today. Mondays, I have a 2 hour lecture at 8am. I don't think I paid attention one minute. So, experiment over. I think it's sad that I can't do what other people do without the help of chemicals. Even now when I'm typing, I have 1000 things bouncing around in my head. Things I need to do, fun stuff I'm trying to remember, responsibilities that have to be handled but I don't know where to start. Or how to start.
Classes at CCP are almost done for me. I haven't made a concrete plan for the fall. There is only one plan I have, but that will take an act from Jebus to pull off. My state of mind right now? Shut it down and deal when I have all my brain cells working towards a common goal at the same time. I know when I go back to read this later, I will see just how my mind works sans meds. Cause I'm already thinking about random stuff I want to jot down.
Daddy bought me another bike. 70 degrees all week and being in my car is killing me. He knows how sad I was when it was stolen. He just mentioned on Saturday night... "Tomorrow, we'll go to breakfast and get you another bike". Did I mention he bought me the last one for my birthday? Now my bike is in the living room. Part of the furniture. There it will stay.
I Did a 15 mile ride yesterday through Penny pack all the way to Pine Rd and back. Penny Pack is so beautiful. Smack dab in the middle of the NE. I'm glad I never took that park for granted. I used the hell out of it in my lifetime. Drank in the park growing up. Took the boy on every nice day to feed the ducks and get exercise. Trained for a marathon and roller bladed my lil heart out. Now, biking thru it. It is gorgeous. No trash, spring springing, crazy wildlife. Oh and holy hell!!!! Bald Eagles in NE Philly!!!!! No shit. I am speaking the truth. More than one. My dog should be scared. 5 lbs and she is no match.
Speaking of Daddy, we registered for the "Rebel Race". It's in July in NY state. Camping all weekend with the race being one of those muddy obstacle courses. My Boo doesn't "work out", but has more energy than a 3 yr old on pepsi and chocolate. He never sits still and I have a feeling he'll carry me. I know we'll have a blast. We always do. We even had fun on Friday night when he ran out of gas (for the first time in his life) 3 blocks from home, on pretty much the only cold night of the year. Instead of bitch? We walked to the closest bar and decided to leave it for the morning. Saturday morning, before I even opened my eyes, he had taken his bike and handled it. Also came back with breakfast from one place and coffee from Wawa. My man. Energy of that 3 yr old. His Birthday is next week and I am spoiling the shit outta him. No one deserves it more than him. He kills himself giving all day and gets very little in return. I need him to know how grateful I am to have him in my life in this very weird capacity. He makes me happy. I am so happy.
So this brings me to my ex bf. Not the one I hate so much he makes me gag when I read his nonsense, but the one I actually enjoy. We have an odd friendship. When he had a live-in gf,our communication was limited. A text here and there. He does my taxes so we handled business. But now he's single again and we just pick it back up. He has always allowed me to use his house when I needed to disappear or take advantage of his hot tub.( Of course this couldn't happen with the live-in). His house is now better with a full gym and crazy TV technologies. There's always home baked cookies and whatnot from his elderly female clients and a fridge full of Diet Pepsi. We did in the past, recycle each other. But those days are over. It's an adjustment to settle into "just friends", for real. Not just friends that "Break glass in case of emergency". Without knowing it, I hurt his feelings. When we were together, we WERE NOT good for each other. I was less-than-faithful and so was he. There were many other factors as well, but I won't get into it. He knows I will not step out on my bf. I said to him, "I would never hurt him. It's not worth it. I love him too much to ever betray him". The ex witnessed me over the past few years be the playa. Jugglin more than one dude. Cheat on the disgusting pig. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he realized that I can control myself. But with him, I had no intention. Not that he loves me or wants me back. Just that I didn't respect him or our relationship. I had also explained to him, that I wouldn't even consider a relationship unless I could be monogamous. That I didn't think that guy existed. I wasn't looking for him. But I did know that I wouldn't commit to someone unless I meant it. I would not make the same mistakes I did with him. And I certainly would not settle or be bullied into a nightmare of a relationship with anyone again like what happened with that pig. I didn't mean to hurt him. I want nothing but happiness for him. I love being his friend. I LOVE hearing about his wacky adventures with wacky chicks and the life of a 30 something single, successful, handsome man. To some, he is the holy grail. To me, he's my funny friend. We just happened to date 6 years ago. I think I know him better than most, and he finds that comforting. My Boo knows we still talk. If he has a problem with it, he isn't showing it. I told him about the abusive, possessive, stalker and the damage he did. I don't think he ever wants to resemble that clown. He also knows how happy we are and how stupid we would be to fuck it up. I'm not that stupid and he's the smartest man I know, so we're solid.
Well, I'm sure I have a million more mindless tid bits and stories but Law and Order just started and now I can't focus on this. Hahahaha. Oh ADD, how you make life interesting. Or not.

Not the best company

I am nasty pants today. You know when you wake up and have plans, and everything you touch turns to shit? That would be my day. I have a rare opportunity to hang out with the man tonight, but I told him to go see friends. I need to be away from anyone I love because today I am bound to hurt feelings. I wake up. On today's agenda, pay bills, do homework, go to lunchtime yoga, and run some errands.
Bill paying? Easy enough. I know what to expect. I just had to sit down and write them out. I open every one and they are all double/triple what I was expecting. There goes any fun money I thought I had. On top of that, I found out my Tuition Assistance that I get being in the Military was filed incorrectly. Too Bad, so sad. I'm out of pocket. I wouldn't even go to school if I had to pay for it. So another kick. I run to get stamps, mail the bills, stop at wawa for my 24 oz coffee. (I normally don't get that size, but lots of homework, calls for lots of caffeine). I get back to my house, and drop the coffee on the ground. SPLASH! WTF!!!!.
On to homework. This week is mid terms and a lot of material is due. My plan was to be glued to my laptop and get it done with only a break for yoga. I get on a roll. Bang out 2 solid hours. Go to work on the the assignment and my very new laptop doesn't have the software I need to complete it. Coincidentally, I can purchase it at a low student price of $120. I've already spent $300 on materials for this friggin class, and I find out I am actually paying for the class. Sure, what's another $120. GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Ran out to run some more errands before yoga. Traffic is a nightmare at 10:30 for some reason. I'm laying on the horn like a crazy , road raged soccer mom. Go to my coffee shop to get the coffee I so desperately need at this point, and realize I am just too nasty to be in public. I want to kick puppies. I'm way too full of negative energy and it's unfair to subject anyone to me.
All I can think about is how I will be stuck in the computer lab for hours to get this project done after I complete a 2 hour Bio lab midterm, only so I can study for my 2 hour Bio lecture midterm, then for the 2 hour Computer Science midterm. My brain isn't working because I'm so stressed. I'm on fight or flight mode, and flight it is.
So what does any normal person do in these situations? I don't know because I've been looking at, and bidding on vintage dresses on Ebay instead of anything productive. Let me say, i don't need vintage dresses. I go nowhere that requires "Dress Up". But lucky me just won a dress I'll never wear with money I don't have. I HATE ME TODAY!!!!!
Today is a wash. Fetal position it is. Maybe some Nyqil to put an early end to a crappy day?
To top it all off, my smoke detector chirps every 15 seconds. As many times as I climb up to shut it off, it comes right back on at the very worst of times. It's like Chinese Water Torture. Driving me further into insanity. It is not on batteries, but hard wired into the electric. IT'S KILLING ME! I worry i may take my rage out on anyone in my path. I am literally on top of a loaded .357. I'm thinking about the reasons I never wanted to own a gun. Me being in this kind of mood is reason #1.

Mutha F&*$%er

This weekend I was robbed again from my "Urban Sanktuary". My bike was taken. In my yard, I have a little breeze way where I housed my bike. The gate is welded shut, so there is no access from the front. My yard has a 10 ft fence, houses on either side, and directly behind my yard, which I refer to as "The Garden @ Urban Sanktuary" is an empty over grown lot, also surrounded by a fence. I believed my bike was safe. The effort that was made to steal my ride was impressive. 1st, you had to spot it from the front. Determine that myself AND the dog were not home. Go around the block, climb a fence, through and over grown city jungle, climb my high fence, hoist my bike over the wall and back through the city jungle. All the while not being detected by my neighbors. That, I define as determination and hood talent.
So far, along with my bike, my ipod and dock were taken from my car while I was in the house for 3 minutes, my license plate was taken when I was in ATL, and of all things, my recycle bucket stolen. I know I should be angry, but I'm sad. It hurts my feelings. I have so little, but grateful for what I have. The weather is crazy nice and getting better. I was looking forward to a week of bike riding to school, saving some cash on gas and parking and making my ecological footprint just a little smaller. I used to think it was Karma when bad things happened to me, but my conscious is clear. I haven't sent out any bad ju ju. I try to do what's right everyday.
I know the thief lives steps away from me. Has to. Only someone who knows what I'm up to would be ballsy enough to do it. But here's the thing, these hood rats aren't too bright. I know I'm going to see this tax payer riding my bike right past my window. And I got something for his ass.
But the biggest wake up call? I'm not as safe as I told myself I was. If someone is motivated enough to spider monkey through those obstacles to get my bike, what's next? I hold my weapon closer now. Loaded and ready to use. I will shoot first and ask questions later. You come into my space again, you are one dumb mutha fucker. I will eat a sandwich while on the phone to 911 explaining some scumbag's brains have left a mess in my place and I will need help removing the remains. I will make sure I use my PR skills and get local media to cover that MCK aint nuttin to fuck wit. Putting a sexy spin on vigilante justice. Become a hero to single women living in the hood, trying to do right. So? I'm turning home invasion into a positive. hahah.

Checking in

Nothing exciting going on. Life is kind of boring. School is good. Boy is good. Weather is good. Relationship is good. Its all good. I started running for real and its all good. Was looking forward to my 1st Broad St run, but the Army is taking me away during the time of the race. That's not good. But I will be SGT after my 2 week training, so that's good. Even Steven.
No drama. Normal life is weird. I'm so not used to it. I have to tell myself this is how its supposed to be. But I feel "off". A lifetime of roller coaster rides, always spinning my wheels. Survival to the next day. Now I exist in complacency. Complacency gets you killed, they say in the Army.
I have been accused of being an adrenaline junkie in the past. The need for excitement was greater than my need for air. Is that all gone? Part of me hopes not. Part of me likes the calm, mature me. Can I find a balance?
The high I get from running mimics the high I would get from "fun". I don't miss drama. I never really liked it anyway. But crazy begets crazy. So, what did I expect? In bed at a decent time. Up at the crack of dawn every day. Homework, study, workout, army, household chores. No after hours, mad dating, late night bad decisions, rock star lifestyle a thing of the past. The girl who was the key to every velvet rope, and I couldn't tell you whats going on on any given night. That is an adjustment. Now when people ask me for guest lists or recommendations, it's actually work instead of a quick text. I am officially out of the loop. Oh well. On to the next.
Today a boy from my past gets engaged to the love of his life. I have known of the plan for a week now. Saw the ring. Helped with suggestions on how to do it. Invited to the surprise after party, and I am expecting to be asked to take an active role in the wedding. Sometimes when you see a couple, you know it will work out. I'm pulling for these two. They compliment each other. Their eyes light up when the speak of one another. They laugh together non stop. The enjoy being together. Look forward to just hanging out. You don't see this often. In my experience, people get hitched because it's the natural progression. They're doing it because they can't see a life without each other. Sweet. I will dance at their wedding and hope for a lifetime of happiness.
Until then, I'll try to be more interesting.

Always a Bambi?

Not me. Unlike the majority of the girls I know who went to St. Huberts Catholic High School for Girls, I have no loyalty. There are many reasons for my feelings or lack there of. When the announcement was made that St Huberts is one of the Catholic schools being closed down due to "low enrollment", my first thought was, "who cares"? I found out too many people do. I do care about the people losing their jobs and what it will do to the neighborhood, but that's as far as I go.
Growing up in that hood, it is the norm to go to Catholic schools. That is just what you did. Our lower middle class parents spent the money to keep us out of the public school system out of fear or obligation. There were nights we went to bed hungry, but our tuition was always paid on time.
Bill Maher explained Catholicism perfectly. "You spent half the time being bored and the other half being terrified". I spent the first half of my life believing everyone lived like this. I had no idea there were other views and outlooks.
When I questioned my religious teachings my junior year in HS, I was met with disdain. You don't question it. It is what it is. Jesus died for you you ungrateful whore. You'll burn in Hell for your blasphemy. A Crucifix hangs in the front of every classroom, above the chalkboard, looking down on you. Reminding you of the sacrifice Jesus made, for YOU!!! Born with "Original Sin"? WTF? How is that possible? I'm already bad before I begin? Based on a fictional story of "Adam and Eve"? I just got here and already I need to be saved? Then the Sacraments.
Baptism erases that original sin, so just in case the baby were to pass away, it's cool. They won't go to hell because that sin was cleared. If for some reason the baby passes before given the chance to be baptized, too bad, so sad. No heaven for that kid. Next we get to "Confession". This is where 7-8 year old KIDS have to go and face a priest to tell him all the bad things they've done. Newsflash! 7-8 year olds don't do bad things! They're kids! But I still remember being scared shitless telling the priest I fought with my brother or didn't finish my dinner. Then you get some sort of punishment called the "Act of Contrition", where you say prayers and all is good again. Here is where the real brainwashing begins. You do what the priest says. Fear him. Respect him. He is your God on earth. What he says, goes. To disobey a priest is to deliberately disobey God. Fiery Damnation in your future. UUUGGGHHHHH. Next is my favorite, "Confirmation". This is where you pick a middle name and make a banner out of red and white felt. There is of course a mass/ceremony with a Bishop or Cardinal leading the big day. You are also supposed to study these questions that he may or may not call on you to answer. And God forbid he calls on you and you don't know what to say, you're in for a wrath of shit. The sacraments to follow happen in adulthood. So, I can't speak on those.
My issue with St Huberts mostly, is the education I received. Now I can't blame them for my ADD. It wasn't a thing then. I clearly had something wrong with me, but not one second was taken to figure it out or to help me. I was just another troublemaker. Lazy, no good, amount to nothing kid. Forget that my home life was less than stellar or my struggles with substances, but I was definitely a kid who wasn't thriving in my environment and no steps were taken to find out why. No one cared. Because my IQ was on the higher side and I tested well, I wasn't placed in the lower tracks. I was with the "smart" kids, but lucky me, I was the dumbest. That can't be good for the self esteem.
Can I blame the teachers? I want to, but they are paid peanuts. Using their own money for supplies, most had second jobs to pay their bills. Not much pressure is put on them to create academic superstars because they want to keep us blue collar and in the neighborhood. Not once did I ever hear Harvard was a possibility. In fact, I was chastised for not taking typing. A nun said to me "How will you get a job if you can't type"? I graduated 10th from last in the Class of 1991. I am positive there were not 320 rocket scientists in front of me.
I will always remember this CUNT of a nun, Sister Miriam Grace. It was the first 2 weeks of my HS career. At 14 I was a little on the shy side and a SUPER virgin. I made the mistake of sneezing too loud. My legs jerked and smacked my desk top. She berated me for 5 minutes in front of a room full of strangers, saying things like "You big show off, hussy. I can picture you in front of the boys". I was humiliated.
This will now bring me to the sex ed portion of my rant. There wasn't any, other than... "Don't do it". "Don't think about it". (Thinking about it is just as bad as actually doing it, so since you can't control your thoughts, you're going to hell for thinking about it). Don't touch anyone, don't let them touch you, don't think about touching, don't touch yourself, "heavy petting" will lead to pregnancy, sex is for procreation only, birth control is a sin and so on. At one point you are shown an actual video of an abortion. I believe I was in the 5th grade when that horrific lesson was learned. To this day, I say St Huberts got me pregnant.
Think about it. After I had thoughts, I'm already shamed. Not being able to talk about it with anyone, no education on birth control or prevention, and the secrecy of doing something natural, is a recipe for a fuck up. Not that I regret getting knocked up at 18. That was actually the best thing to happen to me. I was going no where anyway because I never took that dammed typing class. Luckily I did take the "Child Development" class that was pretty much a requirement. Babies and typing. That's what women do.
My anger towards my Catholic Education grew more and more through my son's public school education. It was FAR superior to mine in every aspect. Life skills, common sense, sex ed, college preparations and over all academics. I feel so cheated. Then we come to this...
I WOULD NEVER SUPPORT AN INSTITUTION THAT PROTECTS CHILD RAPISTS!!!! And I take offense with anyone that does. Schools closing because of "low enrollment"? MY ASS!!!! Schools are closing because of all the hush money and settlements being paid out to the victims of the baby raping priests. We all know the stories about the abuses, cover ups, and out right blatant protection of pedophile scumbags. How they were moved to different parishes to prey on different kids, all while the Church was fully aware of what they were doing. I am so sick of hearing how it's not all priests. Yes it is. Just because you didn't touch a kid, you know your colleagues are. You see it. Hear the rumors. Witness the inappropriate and choose to ignore it. They are just as guilty as the fucking sick muther fuckers who take advantage of innocent babies and ruin their lives and faith in a God. No one can tell me any different. It's a small world. The priesthood is a much smaller world. Everybody is in on it.
So, forgive me if I was "Once a Bambi". I am not "Always a Bambi". Stop inviting me to your fucked up rallies and fundraisers. I would rather swallow glass then raise one dime for that dying institution. It should be dead already. Why don't you gather in prayer for those whose lives were destroyed by the Catholic Church? Raise money for the years of therapy they need or to pay for their rehab after becoming junkies to erase the demons their brains are plagued with. No, let's be part of the problem instead.
Who is a true Catholic anyway? I may know one. My Aunt is very devout and walks the walk. I respect her and her beliefs. Everyone else is a "Cafeteria Catholic", who pick and choose which rules they will and will not follow. It's ALL OR NOTHING!!!! Because if you believe in your Catholic faith, you're all going to Hell. Having too much to drink/eat you're a glutton. That is a DEADLY sin. Have sex out of marriage? Without the plan to reproduce? SIN! Miss mass? Confession? Eucharist? SIN! SIN! SIN!
Bottom line, I don't care what you believe in. What God you pray to, or what religion you follow. I can only speak to my experiences, my beliefs and what I know to be true. I am not a proud Bambi. I lived it. The harsh reality is, for me anyway, St Huberts gave me a piece of paper that said I completed what was required of me. I could have gotten that for free without the trauma.

just a cute memory

i dont know why i have been thinking about this a lot, but i think i need to write it out. i can remember the cutest sound i ever heard was almost 17 years ago when the boy was potty training. those were not easy times because he wanted no parts of it. i never pressured him because i knew he would do it in his own time. no kid goes to kindergarten in diapers. so i didnt push it. when you have a toddler, you sleep with one eye open. every noise startles you. i remember one night, i heard him slide out of bed and his little feet hit the ground at the same time. a little pitter patter, he made it to the bathroom. i heard him lift the seat. then the faint sound of a 3 yr old tinkle, a flush, then pitter patter back to bed. it was the first time he had done this. and it was the cutest sound i ever heard. my heart almost burst. i knew then the baby days were over and he was on his way to man hood. sometimes i miss those days. milestones were frequent. simplicity and comfort. pride in little accomplishments. now, he believes he has all the answers. doesnt see how much he still needs to grow and learn. i cant protect him now. and now when i hear him pee, it ain't so cute.

new year

Hear we go! 2012. I got something for yo ass! had an amazing holiday season with family and friends. laughed a lot, stressed a little. i dedicated this past month to working out instead of getting chubby like i normally do in the winter months. tons of running, yoga, spinning, ballet, pilate's, and some other crazy classes. push ups and sit ups every other day. im on beast mode.i take my army physical fitness test this weekend and i will crush it, making fools of the young 20 somethings who cant keep up.
im happy to put all the merriment behind me and get back to normalcy. classes start soon and i will struggle with these. no writing or being able to bullshit my way to an "A". this is where my true academic achievements get put to the test. but whatevs? i wont fail, just may not get an "A". there are worse things.
getting ready to check another thing off the bucket list in the immediate future. snow boarding. im not gonna lie. im a little scared. my sons gf is an instructor. she suggests i wear a helmet. thats not gonna happen. ill take my head injury like a champ, thank you. ive been checking things off the list,but not fast enough. if the end of the world is coming this year, ill never be able to complete it. but i guess i will die trying.
still in a relationship and i can now say we got into out first argument. just a couple weeks ago. and it hurt. i wouldnt speak to him for a few days. ready to walk away because he had shown signs of the ex i hate. (read other posts if you dont know who im talking about). we both have trust issues. understandably. but i have no intention of ever hurting him. and to be suspected and confronted for doing something outlandish was reason enough for me to bounce. i will NEVER be in that situation again. i live my life for me now. i will not conform to anothers standards. i will not apologize for being me. i will not be what someone else expects me to be. on the other hand, i will not give you reason to not trust me. i will treat you with respect. i will never lie to you and if its not working, we will talk about it until a solution is found. even if that solution is to go our separate ways. im not here to make your life harder and i expect the same in return. thats it. so... its all good now. i dont see this same problem arising again. if it does, there will be no 2nd chances. no matter how happy i am. even if this is the best relationship ive had, i will not be made to feel how that clown in the past made me feel on the daily. deal breaker. i feel good about myself and it took a long time to get here. amazing how quick i can feel worthless again. at least now, that feeling is super temporary. im strong enough to shake it and smart enough to see warning signs and end it before it begins.
i think 2012 will be even better than 2011. good things are happening for everyone around me. positive energy is in the air everyday. ended last year in smiles and started this year dancing.