"Flaws"? Really?

I just read the most recent writings of the clown. He so affectionately wrote of "flaws" as if his idea of "flaws" are charming little factors in a person's makeup. Almost insinuating he too has flaws that can be overlooked when true love is present.



Ummmmmm... If by "flaws", you mean your disgusting habits, your creepy looks, your unwillingness to work, your over inflated ego, or your bad fashion sense, then I guess true love could over look that. Maybe even find those "flaws" endearing? That person would have to be super "flawed" herself, but there are plenty of desperate broads out there that might just suck it up and settle for such "flaws".



But, if by "flaws" you mean, narcissistic, controlling, abusive, delusional, stalkerish, pathological, lazy, dirty, and completely full of shit? Those are not "flaws". Nothing quirky, cute, or funny about any of those "flaws". Those are not things that grow on you and you begin to accept. Those things destroy people. Change who they are and how they think. People should run when those ugly "flaws" rear their very ugly heads. Those "flaws" are hidden like dirty secrets and when they are found out, it's too late. You're fucked.



At first, I just saw your surface "flaws", and if I drank enough, I could overlook them or more like get numb and block them out. You had me convincing myself that you "loved" me and wanted to protect me. Your real "flaws" are calculated and well thought out. Evil "flaws" that patiently bide their time and plant seeds and groom the victim. Your "flaws" are dangerous and people around you should be warned.



Does the man who's coat tails you've recently rode on know you referred to him as a "soulless sociopath"? His bothers too? Not that you just told me about how all 3 brothers are "evil", "terrible people", and "cannot be trusted", you told anyone who would listen. Made sure you ruined any credibility they may or may not have had in Hollywood. I remember when I finally met them, after all I had heard, I was unimpressed. You had painted them to be so diabolical and all I saw was pussy cats. I found them to be sweet, hardworking, close knit brothers, doing what they could to survive in LA. Now look. One brother achieved some success and fame, now you refer to him as "family". You are disgusting. Is disgusting a "flaw"?



Hindsight? It was you. They needed to distance themselves from you. You were the dead weight. You brought nothing and when I saw how you weaseled your way into his spotlight, even getting on camera as one of his hanger-ons, I wanted to vomit. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror?



Trust me, if I ever run into those brothers, I will tell them everything. I will also have any info I pass to them verified by others if need be. If I find out you're in a "true love" situation, I feel it is my duty to warn her about these "flaws". If I didn't, I'd be just as guilty as you. I can not in good conscience, allow you to do to another, what you did to me. To this day, you have not acknowledged the abuse you put me through. This tells me you will do it again and again. You are so twisted you feel justified for all of your behavior. You take no ownership. See no wrongs. That's why you are dangerous. I'm talking Serial Killer type danger. No remorse. No responsibility. Just lies and delusion.


Now, don't misunderstand. As much as I write about you, I NEVER speak of you. Your name never crosses my lips and I'm too humiliated to let anyone know what I went through with you. No one ever brings you up because you were so forgettable to others, it was like you never existed. All my man knows of you is you were some guy from my past who was a raging lunatic and outlandishly accused me of wrong doings constantly. He knows I tolerate very little because of you, but he also knows he can trust me. I would almost love for you to try and convince him of what a horrible person I am.(one of your threats from the past."I'm going to let everyone know what a disgusting whore you are"). He's known me since I was 13. There is nothing he doesn't know about me. Any attempt to paint me in a negative light would result in his 5'10" frame beating your 6'3" ass. That I would LOVE to see. If I witnessed that, I could die a happy woman. It would be beautiful. Poetic justice.


He can never know the real story. He can't have those images in his head. He doesn't read these. He doesn't even know they exist. Even through all the writings about you, I still don't go into details. At this time, I can not form the sentences or words. That is a picture I can't paint. Not yet. Maybe some day.

This is how I cleanse my brain. Tiny victories for me. Make no mistake, I will have many victories. Everyone of your failures is a victory for me. If you ever have a glimmer of success, I will be there. A shining moment? I will be front and center. You are not allowed to bask in any glow when you have this dark cloud following you.


If your delusion is still in full effect, riddle me this? Do I write about anyone else? All the exes I have??? You would think I would have bad feelings for someone else? Harbor some resentment for any one of them? Nope. Just you. You are a complete psycho and I am impressed with how much damage you did. You should be very proud of yourself. There's your bragging right. Because let's face it, how long can you use the "I wrote a movie" and "I am a producer" work? It's 2012. IMDB yourself. Those things were so long ago, you're irrelevant. You need some new game. "I almost broke MCK" should be your tag line. There you go. No asshole has ever been able to claim that before.



I am so lucky for being able to trust someone again. So lucky to be this lucky. I take pause when I read your crap and I leave all my negativity here. Aimed at you. Then I go back to my happy life. I find you entertaining and an outlet for my nasty. No one is more deserving than you. Looking forward to reading your next pile of bullshit. You are my muse.

Bitter Sweet

Yesterday I had my Bucknell interview. After it was done I was thrown immediately into depression. My chest is so tight and I'm full of anxiety. While doing the internal dialogue I was trying to break it down. If I get chosen for this, my life will be drastically different and I have to get it in gear.
< 1st, I have to take my finals early because I have to go away to Wisconsin for the Army in May. If I get this Bucknell spot, I will have to go straight to Lewisburg Pa as soon as I get home. I don't have a plan for the dog. < 2nd I have submitted my Mobilization packet to do a 365 day tour in Afghanistan starting Aug 1. That would mean immediately following the Bucknell summer program, I will be shipped to the sandbox. Again, I have no plan for the dog. < 3rd If I successfully complete the Bucknell Summer program, my full ride would start in the fall of 2013. As soon as I got off the plane, I would move to Lewisburg for 2 years. That is 3 full years. I'm having a panic attack. I can't think of the benefits if all this plays out. I can only think of the downside. That is not me. I see blessings in nothing. For some reason, this is all feeling like a curse. I can kiss my relationship good bye. Even though we discussed it, I don't see how we can sustain this for 3 years. It's not fair to him. We did discuss anything he does while I'm gone is not cheating. I'm not a jealous chick, and it is unrealistic to believe he would be "faithful". I would never ask him to do that. That would be stupid. I do think it will be impossible for him not to fall for someone more available. I can't blame him. I made these choices, he didn't. As much as it hurts, I can't make decisions on feelings. Nothing good ever comes from that. I have my own future to think about. Retirement. Security. Education. Accomplisments and bragging rights. It looks like it will be a solo ride. When these options were presented, it seemed as if everything would be perfect if I could make the time line work. I didn't count on heartache. We were together yesterday and I was more than quiet. I didn't even tell him about my interview because I didn't want to open the dialogue. I just told him I was tired and avoided the whole subject. It's his BDay week. Not the time for un-fun stuff. All the plans I have made for myself, didn't include a plus 1. I just need to hope for the best and expect the worst. Who knows? Maybe they will go with someone else for the program? This is a big possibility. They only take 12 students and I counted 30 packets on the table and there are 2 days of interviews. So? On to the next. Dancing all weekend celebrating his birthday. I'll save the bullshit for Monday.

O M GIZZLE!

This is quite possibly the most random, crazy thing ever. The bf found my stolen bike!!! He is working in Old City and walking down Chestnut St. He saw my bike chained outside of a nail salon. He bought it for me, and knew it was mine. He made sure he spotted all the "tells". Such as the sticker under my seat, small tear in the seat that he did loading it into his truck, and its an odd color green that is unmistakable. He was with 6 other guys and went into 3 of the businesses yelling "Who's green bike is chained outside"? No one copped to it. He said the women in the nail salon looked very nervous and guilty. He asked the woman who worked in the shop if he could borrow her outlet. She obliged. He plugged in one of his power tools and cut the chain right there. He said it was super loud and whoever was the now temporary owner had to be standing by watching this. He made no secret that he was cutting this chain and getting my bike back. He threw my bike into the back of his truck and went on his way.
How crazy is this???? I always thought I would see someone on it, but I thought I would see them around the crib. Of all the places my bike shows up? Right in front of the Boo's work in Old City. And he's a crazy lil Mo Fo. He fears nothing and has no problem defending himself. Along with the power tool, he also had a hammer on him ready to crack a skull if need be. I love him so much. My hero. Seriously? So crazy. I got a flat tire with my new bike today around 1pm riding back from CC. 2 hrs later my original bike is found. Now I have 2 Bikes!!!! That is pretty rad. Life is so weird.

scattered

I haven't taken my Adderal in a few days. I'm trying to cope without it. It did help that I was on spring break from school all last week. I went back today. Mondays, I have a 2 hour lecture at 8am. I don't think I paid attention one minute. So, experiment over. I think it's sad that I can't do what other people do without the help of chemicals. Even now when I'm typing, I have 1000 things bouncing around in my head. Things I need to do, fun stuff I'm trying to remember, responsibilities that have to be handled but I don't know where to start. Or how to start.
Classes at CCP are almost done for me. I haven't made a concrete plan for the fall. There is only one plan I have, but that will take an act from Jebus to pull off. My state of mind right now? Shut it down and deal when I have all my brain cells working towards a common goal at the same time. I know when I go back to read this later, I will see just how my mind works sans meds. Cause I'm already thinking about random stuff I want to jot down.
Daddy bought me another bike. 70 degrees all week and being in my car is killing me. He knows how sad I was when it was stolen. He just mentioned on Saturday night... "Tomorrow, we'll go to breakfast and get you another bike". Did I mention he bought me the last one for my birthday? Now my bike is in the living room. Part of the furniture. There it will stay.
I Did a 15 mile ride yesterday through Penny pack all the way to Pine Rd and back. Penny Pack is so beautiful. Smack dab in the middle of the NE. I'm glad I never took that park for granted. I used the hell out of it in my lifetime. Drank in the park growing up. Took the boy on every nice day to feed the ducks and get exercise. Trained for a marathon and roller bladed my lil heart out. Now, biking thru it. It is gorgeous. No trash, spring springing, crazy wildlife. Oh and holy hell!!!! Bald Eagles in NE Philly!!!!! No shit. I am speaking the truth. More than one. My dog should be scared. 5 lbs and she is no match.
Speaking of Daddy, we registered for the "Rebel Race". It's in July in NY state. Camping all weekend with the race being one of those muddy obstacle courses. My Boo doesn't "work out", but has more energy than a 3 yr old on pepsi and chocolate. He never sits still and I have a feeling he'll carry me. I know we'll have a blast. We always do. We even had fun on Friday night when he ran out of gas (for the first time in his life) 3 blocks from home, on pretty much the only cold night of the year. Instead of bitch? We walked to the closest bar and decided to leave it for the morning. Saturday morning, before I even opened my eyes, he had taken his bike and handled it. Also came back with breakfast from one place and coffee from Wawa. My man. Energy of that 3 yr old. His Birthday is next week and I am spoiling the shit outta him. No one deserves it more than him. He kills himself giving all day and gets very little in return. I need him to know how grateful I am to have him in my life in this very weird capacity. He makes me happy. I am so happy.
So this brings me to my ex bf. Not the one I hate so much he makes me gag when I read his nonsense, but the one I actually enjoy. We have an odd friendship. When he had a live-in gf,our communication was limited. A text here and there. He does my taxes so we handled business. But now he's single again and we just pick it back up. He has always allowed me to use his house when I needed to disappear or take advantage of his hot tub.( Of course this couldn't happen with the live-in). His house is now better with a full gym and crazy TV technologies. There's always home baked cookies and whatnot from his elderly female clients and a fridge full of Diet Pepsi. We did in the past, recycle each other. But those days are over. It's an adjustment to settle into "just friends", for real. Not just friends that "Break glass in case of emergency". Without knowing it, I hurt his feelings. When we were together, we WERE NOT good for each other. I was less-than-faithful and so was he. There were many other factors as well, but I won't get into it. He knows I will not step out on my bf. I said to him, "I would never hurt him. It's not worth it. I love him too much to ever betray him". The ex witnessed me over the past few years be the playa. Jugglin more than one dude. Cheat on the disgusting pig. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he realized that I can control myself. But with him, I had no intention. Not that he loves me or wants me back. Just that I didn't respect him or our relationship. I had also explained to him, that I wouldn't even consider a relationship unless I could be monogamous. That I didn't think that guy existed. I wasn't looking for him. But I did know that I wouldn't commit to someone unless I meant it. I would not make the same mistakes I did with him. And I certainly would not settle or be bullied into a nightmare of a relationship with anyone again like what happened with that pig. I didn't mean to hurt him. I want nothing but happiness for him. I love being his friend. I LOVE hearing about his wacky adventures with wacky chicks and the life of a 30 something single, successful, handsome man. To some, he is the holy grail. To me, he's my funny friend. We just happened to date 6 years ago. I think I know him better than most, and he finds that comforting. My Boo knows we still talk. If he has a problem with it, he isn't showing it. I told him about the abusive, possessive, stalker and the damage he did. I don't think he ever wants to resemble that clown. He also knows how happy we are and how stupid we would be to fuck it up. I'm not that stupid and he's the smartest man I know, so we're solid.
Well, I'm sure I have a million more mindless tid bits and stories but Law and Order just started and now I can't focus on this. Hahahaha. Oh ADD, how you make life interesting. Or not.

Not the best company

I am nasty pants today. You know when you wake up and have plans, and everything you touch turns to shit? That would be my day. I have a rare opportunity to hang out with the man tonight, but I told him to go see friends. I need to be away from anyone I love because today I am bound to hurt feelings. I wake up. On today's agenda, pay bills, do homework, go to lunchtime yoga, and run some errands.
Bill paying? Easy enough. I know what to expect. I just had to sit down and write them out. I open every one and they are all double/triple what I was expecting. There goes any fun money I thought I had. On top of that, I found out my Tuition Assistance that I get being in the Military was filed incorrectly. Too Bad, so sad. I'm out of pocket. I wouldn't even go to school if I had to pay for it. So another kick. I run to get stamps, mail the bills, stop at wawa for my 24 oz coffee. (I normally don't get that size, but lots of homework, calls for lots of caffeine). I get back to my house, and drop the coffee on the ground. SPLASH! WTF!!!!.
On to homework. This week is mid terms and a lot of material is due. My plan was to be glued to my laptop and get it done with only a break for yoga. I get on a roll. Bang out 2 solid hours. Go to work on the the assignment and my very new laptop doesn't have the software I need to complete it. Coincidentally, I can purchase it at a low student price of $120. I've already spent $300 on materials for this friggin class, and I find out I am actually paying for the class. Sure, what's another $120. GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Ran out to run some more errands before yoga. Traffic is a nightmare at 10:30 for some reason. I'm laying on the horn like a crazy , road raged soccer mom. Go to my coffee shop to get the coffee I so desperately need at this point, and realize I am just too nasty to be in public. I want to kick puppies. I'm way too full of negative energy and it's unfair to subject anyone to me.
All I can think about is how I will be stuck in the computer lab for hours to get this project done after I complete a 2 hour Bio lab midterm, only so I can study for my 2 hour Bio lecture midterm, then for the 2 hour Computer Science midterm. My brain isn't working because I'm so stressed. I'm on fight or flight mode, and flight it is.
So what does any normal person do in these situations? I don't know because I've been looking at, and bidding on vintage dresses on Ebay instead of anything productive. Let me say, i don't need vintage dresses. I go nowhere that requires "Dress Up". But lucky me just won a dress I'll never wear with money I don't have. I HATE ME TODAY!!!!!
Today is a wash. Fetal position it is. Maybe some Nyqil to put an early end to a crappy day?
To top it all off, my smoke detector chirps every 15 seconds. As many times as I climb up to shut it off, it comes right back on at the very worst of times. It's like Chinese Water Torture. Driving me further into insanity. It is not on batteries, but hard wired into the electric. IT'S KILLING ME! I worry i may take my rage out on anyone in my path. I am literally on top of a loaded .357. I'm thinking about the reasons I never wanted to own a gun. Me being in this kind of mood is reason #1.

Mutha F&*$%er

This weekend I was robbed again from my "Urban Sanktuary". My bike was taken. In my yard, I have a little breeze way where I housed my bike. The gate is welded shut, so there is no access from the front. My yard has a 10 ft fence, houses on either side, and directly behind my yard, which I refer to as "The Garden @ Urban Sanktuary" is an empty over grown lot, also surrounded by a fence. I believed my bike was safe. The effort that was made to steal my ride was impressive. 1st, you had to spot it from the front. Determine that myself AND the dog were not home. Go around the block, climb a fence, through and over grown city jungle, climb my high fence, hoist my bike over the wall and back through the city jungle. All the while not being detected by my neighbors. That, I define as determination and hood talent.
So far, along with my bike, my ipod and dock were taken from my car while I was in the house for 3 minutes, my license plate was taken when I was in ATL, and of all things, my recycle bucket stolen. I know I should be angry, but I'm sad. It hurts my feelings. I have so little, but grateful for what I have. The weather is crazy nice and getting better. I was looking forward to a week of bike riding to school, saving some cash on gas and parking and making my ecological footprint just a little smaller. I used to think it was Karma when bad things happened to me, but my conscious is clear. I haven't sent out any bad ju ju. I try to do what's right everyday.
I know the thief lives steps away from me. Has to. Only someone who knows what I'm up to would be ballsy enough to do it. But here's the thing, these hood rats aren't too bright. I know I'm going to see this tax payer riding my bike right past my window. And I got something for his ass.
But the biggest wake up call? I'm not as safe as I told myself I was. If someone is motivated enough to spider monkey through those obstacles to get my bike, what's next? I hold my weapon closer now. Loaded and ready to use. I will shoot first and ask questions later. You come into my space again, you are one dumb mutha fucker. I will eat a sandwich while on the phone to 911 explaining some scumbag's brains have left a mess in my place and I will need help removing the remains. I will make sure I use my PR skills and get local media to cover that MCK aint nuttin to fuck wit. Putting a sexy spin on vigilante justice. Become a hero to single women living in the hood, trying to do right. So? I'm turning home invasion into a positive. hahah.

Checking in

Nothing exciting going on. Life is kind of boring. School is good. Boy is good. Weather is good. Relationship is good. Its all good. I started running for real and its all good. Was looking forward to my 1st Broad St run, but the Army is taking me away during the time of the race. That's not good. But I will be SGT after my 2 week training, so that's good. Even Steven.
No drama. Normal life is weird. I'm so not used to it. I have to tell myself this is how its supposed to be. But I feel "off". A lifetime of roller coaster rides, always spinning my wheels. Survival to the next day. Now I exist in complacency. Complacency gets you killed, they say in the Army.
I have been accused of being an adrenaline junkie in the past. The need for excitement was greater than my need for air. Is that all gone? Part of me hopes not. Part of me likes the calm, mature me. Can I find a balance?
The high I get from running mimics the high I would get from "fun". I don't miss drama. I never really liked it anyway. But crazy begets crazy. So, what did I expect? In bed at a decent time. Up at the crack of dawn every day. Homework, study, workout, army, household chores. No after hours, mad dating, late night bad decisions, rock star lifestyle a thing of the past. The girl who was the key to every velvet rope, and I couldn't tell you whats going on on any given night. That is an adjustment. Now when people ask me for guest lists or recommendations, it's actually work instead of a quick text. I am officially out of the loop. Oh well. On to the next.
Today a boy from my past gets engaged to the love of his life. I have known of the plan for a week now. Saw the ring. Helped with suggestions on how to do it. Invited to the surprise after party, and I am expecting to be asked to take an active role in the wedding. Sometimes when you see a couple, you know it will work out. I'm pulling for these two. They compliment each other. Their eyes light up when the speak of one another. They laugh together non stop. The enjoy being together. Look forward to just hanging out. You don't see this often. In my experience, people get hitched because it's the natural progression. They're doing it because they can't see a life without each other. Sweet. I will dance at their wedding and hope for a lifetime of happiness.
Until then, I'll try to be more interesting.