things i find annoying

i will not mention any names or give clues as to whom i speak, but some people are out of their GD minds.

as a single mom of one, it wasnt easy. altho i dont remember the hard times now, i do remember working 2-3 jobs, having shitty gigs with asshole bosses, taking abuse to survive. not much help from family, not much sleep, my wants on the back burner, and the boy missed out on a lot. when i hear about the struggles of a particular single mom, it makes me want to punch a baby.

this mom doesn't work. has a car and insurance paid for, cell phone, health insurance, child support, and 15 days a month off from mothering because her ex has joint custody. she attends school 2 days a week to work on yet another degree she wont use.all of the kids tuitions/sports/fun/clothing/dental/medical... lets say everything is paid by the dad. the mom has a full time boyfriend, girls nights out, weekends away, and when she has the kids, there is always a family member to help out.
this is not good enough.

i want her to meet an actual single mom of 3. who works until she colaspes, borrows from peter to pay paul. cant ever go to the doctors because she has no health ins because its pay rent or get well. hasnt had a date in years, no child support, let alone free weekends. christmas is a nightmare, misses class trips, basketball games, prom nights because she has 3 mouths to feed. goes without everyday and never complains. does the job and is grateful to get thru another month.

there are no $14 cocktails or center city brunches in her everyday. no fancy haircuts or new outfits. forget about an education. that is never even an option. that is a privledge only the privledged get. and still, oddly, they dont complain.

sometimes when i hear about this single moms "hard life" , i want to grip her up by her neck and shake her. DONT YOU SEE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!!!??? LOOK AROUND! NO ONE HAS IT THIS EASY! but she'll never get it. never know how insulting it is to the single moms who went without everyday and still got up and did it all over again.

i see her getting married to this guy. and living the same life she did before. never working. acting as if life is so hard. never being able to please her, until this guy has enough. but then she'll get half of another house, some of his pension and savings, maybe some alimony. another car? blah blah blah. then she can move back in with her parents while they take care of her again. until the next dude.

do us a favor, at least get your tubes tied. i know that hurts you on any future child support, but its much tougher to snag the next man when you have 2 baby daddys.

Recovering

I finally have a spare minute, and while everyone is somewhere celebrating Memorial Day weekend, I'm happily in bed. This past Army training was the toughest thing I ever did. Much harder than Basic Training. I thought it would be the normal Army stuff. Dumbed down classes and a bunch of physical stuff. I was right on the physical stuff but very wrong on the dumbed down part. Classes sometimes 16 hrs a day only to be broken up by meals and work outs.Everyone was college educated, gym rats, super soldiers. Some were already SGTs and majority had just returned from a deployment.

It was much more prestigious than I could have imagined. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity.

I met a lot of awesome people, now life long friends. I love the instant family that comes with the Army. People of all walks of life, from all over the country. Facebook is great way to never lose touch. I was pushed to my limit more than once. Learned a ton and surprised myself. I am now called SGT Kelly. Pretty fucking cool. Best part of the whole 16 day course? Flying in a Black Hawk. Sucked that we got dropped off in the middle of the woods only to march back 4 1/2 miles in full gear, but considering all the stuff we had already accomplished, that was the easiest task to complete.

When I got home late on Friday, I went straight to the bar with the Boo. I have never wanted a drink so bad. The next day was preakness and had plans to meet up with friends at the track. When I woke up, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Everything hurt. I was covered in bruises from neck to feet. I could barely walk. Just thinking about the walk from the car to Philadelphia Park was stressing me out. I was in constant motion the whole time in Wisconsin. When I stopped moving, the pain set in. Even my ribs hurt. So I blew off any plans I had and me and the man went and got massages, and early dinner. I was passed out by 7pm and slept for 13 hrs. Woke up, had to handle business then back to work Monday. It seems like a blur.

Celebrated the boys Birthday. He's 20. OMG. Where does the time go? We had a great time. I love him so much and proud of the man he is. He has such a good heart and his head is on straight. He makes mistakes like everyone does, but he learns from them and moves on. I still worry about him. More now that he has a car. He's camping tonight with the camping gear I bought him for his Birthday. I totally hooked him up with anything he could need and it all fits into his trunk. He can bounce anytime and literally "set up camp". It must be so much fun to be 20, having the world by the balls and the freedom to live life to the fullest. I didn't get that opportunity. No regrets. I enjoy it so much more witnessing my boy experience it. Lucky him. Lucky me.

I could be doing a million fun things right now, but rest and sleep seem to be more important. Going surfing next weekend and a tough work week coming up. I did the Garden @ Urban Sanktuary yesterday. It's open for business. When the ivy comes in fully and the flowers grow and bloom, you will forget you're in Da Hood. It can be seen from the living room and makes my place 100% cuter.

I had to cancel the summer night classes I registered for. This mission I'm tasked to for the next 3 years is pretty hard core. The beginning stages will be chaotic, working sometimes 14-16 hour days. Later, the work load will settle down. I'll pick school up then. I will not deploy during these next 3 years. Without getting into it, if I have to go anywhere, it will be stateside. That's all I'm going to say about that.

All in all, life is good. Sun is shining, everyone I love is healthy, I feel almost back to normal. Registered for the Army Ten Miler in DC. So excited about that. I'm just gonna keep doing what I do. Wake up, be awesome, sleep, repeat.

BBLLAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I don't really feel like writing, but i don't like too much time to pass in between. Life moves too fast and my memory isn't what it used to be. I am exhausted. I am sick of using my brain and just want to shut it down for a day, but it's not an option. I leave for Wisconsin next week and I can't wait. I'll be training for 2 weeks, but it won't be mentally hard. Physically, maybe. A welcome change. I feel like I haven't worked out in forever. I am sick of being a student. Sick of stressing over homework and finals at the age of 39. I'm taking the summer off from school. I may take one class, but that's it. I am burnt out. Losing my motivation and I don't so much care about my GPA anymore. I decided to pass on the Bucknell scholarship. There are people who need it more than me. It would have been cool to say I did it. In reality, it was more of a pain in the ass. I can't live in Lewisburg Pa for 2+ years. Who was I kidding?


I have decided to move to the Burbs. It was a sad day when I came to that decision. I hate the burbs. I am a city girl. The more "grown up" I get, the more I change things. I will be active duty in the Army. Full time JAG in a suburb outside of Philly for 3 years. I picked a town halfway between here and there. After working out the financials, I will be paying less to live there with more amenities. Pool, gym, breakfast Mon-Fri, dog parks, community gardens, business center, 24 hr staff, and they even pay my cable and HBO. Score! My car insurance goes down and bye bye city wage tax! And let's face it. I live in a war zone. Lots of shootings steps from my door over the last few weeks. Summer is more violent. I would be so pissed if I got hit by a stray bullet by one of these idiots fighting over turf or whatever they lose their lives for. If I died in Afghanistan, I would be cool with that. Motorcycle accident? Jumping out of a plane? Or any way other than the meaningless bull shit that goes on in this hood. Things aren't going to change for the better. I don't see the point in moving to another area of the city. It's all depressing. I have to leave Philly sometimes to love it again. I do know, I will not grow old here. Philly area has me for the next 3 years, after that? Who knows?


I have no funny in me today. No fight. No joy either. I feel like I'm just existing until the next step. Maybe this is a "funk". The sun hasn't been out in 2 days. That might have something to do with it. I'm just tired. I have so much to do, but can't do it right now. Tomorrow is another day. Looks like 12 hours of school work. Fun. I'm soooooo over it.

"Flaws"? Really?

I just read the most recent writings of the clown. He so affectionately wrote of "flaws" as if his idea of "flaws" are charming little factors in a person's makeup. Almost insinuating he too has flaws that can be overlooked when true love is present.



Ummmmmm... If by "flaws", you mean your disgusting habits, your creepy looks, your unwillingness to work, your over inflated ego, or your bad fashion sense, then I guess true love could over look that. Maybe even find those "flaws" endearing? That person would have to be super "flawed" herself, but there are plenty of desperate broads out there that might just suck it up and settle for such "flaws".



But, if by "flaws" you mean, narcissistic, controlling, abusive, delusional, stalkerish, pathological, lazy, dirty, and completely full of shit? Those are not "flaws". Nothing quirky, cute, or funny about any of those "flaws". Those are not things that grow on you and you begin to accept. Those things destroy people. Change who they are and how they think. People should run when those ugly "flaws" rear their very ugly heads. Those "flaws" are hidden like dirty secrets and when they are found out, it's too late. You're fucked.



At first, I just saw your surface "flaws", and if I drank enough, I could overlook them or more like get numb and block them out. You had me convincing myself that you "loved" me and wanted to protect me. Your real "flaws" are calculated and well thought out. Evil "flaws" that patiently bide their time and plant seeds and groom the victim. Your "flaws" are dangerous and people around you should be warned.



Does the man who's coat tails you've recently rode on know you referred to him as a "soulless sociopath"? His bothers too? Not that you just told me about how all 3 brothers are "evil", "terrible people", and "cannot be trusted", you told anyone who would listen. Made sure you ruined any credibility they may or may not have had in Hollywood. I remember when I finally met them, after all I had heard, I was unimpressed. You had painted them to be so diabolical and all I saw was pussy cats. I found them to be sweet, hardworking, close knit brothers, doing what they could to survive in LA. Now look. One brother achieved some success and fame, now you refer to him as "family". You are disgusting. Is disgusting a "flaw"?



Hindsight? It was you. They needed to distance themselves from you. You were the dead weight. You brought nothing and when I saw how you weaseled your way into his spotlight, even getting on camera as one of his hanger-ons, I wanted to vomit. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror?



Trust me, if I ever run into those brothers, I will tell them everything. I will also have any info I pass to them verified by others if need be. If I find out you're in a "true love" situation, I feel it is my duty to warn her about these "flaws". If I didn't, I'd be just as guilty as you. I can not in good conscience, allow you to do to another, what you did to me. To this day, you have not acknowledged the abuse you put me through. This tells me you will do it again and again. You are so twisted you feel justified for all of your behavior. You take no ownership. See no wrongs. That's why you are dangerous. I'm talking Serial Killer type danger. No remorse. No responsibility. Just lies and delusion.


Now, don't misunderstand. As much as I write about you, I NEVER speak of you. Your name never crosses my lips and I'm too humiliated to let anyone know what I went through with you. No one ever brings you up because you were so forgettable to others, it was like you never existed. All my man knows of you is you were some guy from my past who was a raging lunatic and outlandishly accused me of wrong doings constantly. He knows I tolerate very little because of you, but he also knows he can trust me. I would almost love for you to try and convince him of what a horrible person I am.(one of your threats from the past."I'm going to let everyone know what a disgusting whore you are"). He's known me since I was 13. There is nothing he doesn't know about me. Any attempt to paint me in a negative light would result in his 5'10" frame beating your 6'3" ass. That I would LOVE to see. If I witnessed that, I could die a happy woman. It would be beautiful. Poetic justice.


He can never know the real story. He can't have those images in his head. He doesn't read these. He doesn't even know they exist. Even through all the writings about you, I still don't go into details. At this time, I can not form the sentences or words. That is a picture I can't paint. Not yet. Maybe some day.

This is how I cleanse my brain. Tiny victories for me. Make no mistake, I will have many victories. Everyone of your failures is a victory for me. If you ever have a glimmer of success, I will be there. A shining moment? I will be front and center. You are not allowed to bask in any glow when you have this dark cloud following you.


If your delusion is still in full effect, riddle me this? Do I write about anyone else? All the exes I have??? You would think I would have bad feelings for someone else? Harbor some resentment for any one of them? Nope. Just you. You are a complete psycho and I am impressed with how much damage you did. You should be very proud of yourself. There's your bragging right. Because let's face it, how long can you use the "I wrote a movie" and "I am a producer" work? It's 2012. IMDB yourself. Those things were so long ago, you're irrelevant. You need some new game. "I almost broke MCK" should be your tag line. There you go. No asshole has ever been able to claim that before.



I am so lucky for being able to trust someone again. So lucky to be this lucky. I take pause when I read your crap and I leave all my negativity here. Aimed at you. Then I go back to my happy life. I find you entertaining and an outlet for my nasty. No one is more deserving than you. Looking forward to reading your next pile of bullshit. You are my muse.

Bitter Sweet

Yesterday I had my Bucknell interview. After it was done I was thrown immediately into depression. My chest is so tight and I'm full of anxiety. While doing the internal dialogue I was trying to break it down. If I get chosen for this, my life will be drastically different and I have to get it in gear.
< 1st, I have to take my finals early because I have to go away to Wisconsin for the Army in May. If I get this Bucknell spot, I will have to go straight to Lewisburg Pa as soon as I get home. I don't have a plan for the dog. < 2nd I have submitted my Mobilization packet to do a 365 day tour in Afghanistan starting Aug 1. That would mean immediately following the Bucknell summer program, I will be shipped to the sandbox. Again, I have no plan for the dog. < 3rd If I successfully complete the Bucknell Summer program, my full ride would start in the fall of 2013. As soon as I got off the plane, I would move to Lewisburg for 2 years. That is 3 full years. I'm having a panic attack. I can't think of the benefits if all this plays out. I can only think of the downside. That is not me. I see blessings in nothing. For some reason, this is all feeling like a curse. I can kiss my relationship good bye. Even though we discussed it, I don't see how we can sustain this for 3 years. It's not fair to him. We did discuss anything he does while I'm gone is not cheating. I'm not a jealous chick, and it is unrealistic to believe he would be "faithful". I would never ask him to do that. That would be stupid. I do think it will be impossible for him not to fall for someone more available. I can't blame him. I made these choices, he didn't. As much as it hurts, I can't make decisions on feelings. Nothing good ever comes from that. I have my own future to think about. Retirement. Security. Education. Accomplisments and bragging rights. It looks like it will be a solo ride. When these options were presented, it seemed as if everything would be perfect if I could make the time line work. I didn't count on heartache. We were together yesterday and I was more than quiet. I didn't even tell him about my interview because I didn't want to open the dialogue. I just told him I was tired and avoided the whole subject. It's his BDay week. Not the time for un-fun stuff. All the plans I have made for myself, didn't include a plus 1. I just need to hope for the best and expect the worst. Who knows? Maybe they will go with someone else for the program? This is a big possibility. They only take 12 students and I counted 30 packets on the table and there are 2 days of interviews. So? On to the next. Dancing all weekend celebrating his birthday. I'll save the bullshit for Monday.

O M GIZZLE!

This is quite possibly the most random, crazy thing ever. The bf found my stolen bike!!! He is working in Old City and walking down Chestnut St. He saw my bike chained outside of a nail salon. He bought it for me, and knew it was mine. He made sure he spotted all the "tells". Such as the sticker under my seat, small tear in the seat that he did loading it into his truck, and its an odd color green that is unmistakable. He was with 6 other guys and went into 3 of the businesses yelling "Who's green bike is chained outside"? No one copped to it. He said the women in the nail salon looked very nervous and guilty. He asked the woman who worked in the shop if he could borrow her outlet. She obliged. He plugged in one of his power tools and cut the chain right there. He said it was super loud and whoever was the now temporary owner had to be standing by watching this. He made no secret that he was cutting this chain and getting my bike back. He threw my bike into the back of his truck and went on his way.
How crazy is this???? I always thought I would see someone on it, but I thought I would see them around the crib. Of all the places my bike shows up? Right in front of the Boo's work in Old City. And he's a crazy lil Mo Fo. He fears nothing and has no problem defending himself. Along with the power tool, he also had a hammer on him ready to crack a skull if need be. I love him so much. My hero. Seriously? So crazy. I got a flat tire with my new bike today around 1pm riding back from CC. 2 hrs later my original bike is found. Now I have 2 Bikes!!!! That is pretty rad. Life is so weird.

scattered

I haven't taken my Adderal in a few days. I'm trying to cope without it. It did help that I was on spring break from school all last week. I went back today. Mondays, I have a 2 hour lecture at 8am. I don't think I paid attention one minute. So, experiment over. I think it's sad that I can't do what other people do without the help of chemicals. Even now when I'm typing, I have 1000 things bouncing around in my head. Things I need to do, fun stuff I'm trying to remember, responsibilities that have to be handled but I don't know where to start. Or how to start.
Classes at CCP are almost done for me. I haven't made a concrete plan for the fall. There is only one plan I have, but that will take an act from Jebus to pull off. My state of mind right now? Shut it down and deal when I have all my brain cells working towards a common goal at the same time. I know when I go back to read this later, I will see just how my mind works sans meds. Cause I'm already thinking about random stuff I want to jot down.
Daddy bought me another bike. 70 degrees all week and being in my car is killing me. He knows how sad I was when it was stolen. He just mentioned on Saturday night... "Tomorrow, we'll go to breakfast and get you another bike". Did I mention he bought me the last one for my birthday? Now my bike is in the living room. Part of the furniture. There it will stay.
I Did a 15 mile ride yesterday through Penny pack all the way to Pine Rd and back. Penny Pack is so beautiful. Smack dab in the middle of the NE. I'm glad I never took that park for granted. I used the hell out of it in my lifetime. Drank in the park growing up. Took the boy on every nice day to feed the ducks and get exercise. Trained for a marathon and roller bladed my lil heart out. Now, biking thru it. It is gorgeous. No trash, spring springing, crazy wildlife. Oh and holy hell!!!! Bald Eagles in NE Philly!!!!! No shit. I am speaking the truth. More than one. My dog should be scared. 5 lbs and she is no match.
Speaking of Daddy, we registered for the "Rebel Race". It's in July in NY state. Camping all weekend with the race being one of those muddy obstacle courses. My Boo doesn't "work out", but has more energy than a 3 yr old on pepsi and chocolate. He never sits still and I have a feeling he'll carry me. I know we'll have a blast. We always do. We even had fun on Friday night when he ran out of gas (for the first time in his life) 3 blocks from home, on pretty much the only cold night of the year. Instead of bitch? We walked to the closest bar and decided to leave it for the morning. Saturday morning, before I even opened my eyes, he had taken his bike and handled it. Also came back with breakfast from one place and coffee from Wawa. My man. Energy of that 3 yr old. His Birthday is next week and I am spoiling the shit outta him. No one deserves it more than him. He kills himself giving all day and gets very little in return. I need him to know how grateful I am to have him in my life in this very weird capacity. He makes me happy. I am so happy.
So this brings me to my ex bf. Not the one I hate so much he makes me gag when I read his nonsense, but the one I actually enjoy. We have an odd friendship. When he had a live-in gf,our communication was limited. A text here and there. He does my taxes so we handled business. But now he's single again and we just pick it back up. He has always allowed me to use his house when I needed to disappear or take advantage of his hot tub.( Of course this couldn't happen with the live-in). His house is now better with a full gym and crazy TV technologies. There's always home baked cookies and whatnot from his elderly female clients and a fridge full of Diet Pepsi. We did in the past, recycle each other. But those days are over. It's an adjustment to settle into "just friends", for real. Not just friends that "Break glass in case of emergency". Without knowing it, I hurt his feelings. When we were together, we WERE NOT good for each other. I was less-than-faithful and so was he. There were many other factors as well, but I won't get into it. He knows I will not step out on my bf. I said to him, "I would never hurt him. It's not worth it. I love him too much to ever betray him". The ex witnessed me over the past few years be the playa. Jugglin more than one dude. Cheat on the disgusting pig. I saw the hurt in his eyes when he realized that I can control myself. But with him, I had no intention. Not that he loves me or wants me back. Just that I didn't respect him or our relationship. I had also explained to him, that I wouldn't even consider a relationship unless I could be monogamous. That I didn't think that guy existed. I wasn't looking for him. But I did know that I wouldn't commit to someone unless I meant it. I would not make the same mistakes I did with him. And I certainly would not settle or be bullied into a nightmare of a relationship with anyone again like what happened with that pig. I didn't mean to hurt him. I want nothing but happiness for him. I love being his friend. I LOVE hearing about his wacky adventures with wacky chicks and the life of a 30 something single, successful, handsome man. To some, he is the holy grail. To me, he's my funny friend. We just happened to date 6 years ago. I think I know him better than most, and he finds that comforting. My Boo knows we still talk. If he has a problem with it, he isn't showing it. I told him about the abusive, possessive, stalker and the damage he did. I don't think he ever wants to resemble that clown. He also knows how happy we are and how stupid we would be to fuck it up. I'm not that stupid and he's the smartest man I know, so we're solid.
Well, I'm sure I have a million more mindless tid bits and stories but Law and Order just started and now I can't focus on this. Hahahaha. Oh ADD, how you make life interesting. Or not.