its now 2 weeks since we ended. it feels worse, but i know its right. i just want the 1st year- year and a half back. it cant be fixed. but when youre feeling this heartache, you forget the reasons for the ending. i dont see this hurt going away for a long time. im not interested in dating. not even a tiny bit. im running more. i have an interview to start school again tomorrow. i need some yoga.
if i am busy doing good things, i cant forget for a minute at a time. this weekend, michael and i hung out with his cousin (she's my age) and her friends. totally different crew. it was nice to be a stranger. we also walked 8 miles sightseeing in our new hood. visited his gmom, and it felt good. i am coming back around, but i miss my best friend.
i dont believe in soul mates. i believe time heals all wounds. i know what we had was more real than anything i was ever involved in. i also know some problems can not be fixed but can definitely be magnified. we have different paths. resentments get stronger when you cant follow your path, because you are walking their road. And vice versa. we all deserve the life we want. pain is temporary. that lesson we all learned by this point.
i hope i get the urge to date in the next few months. im sure hes already stepped out. thats what he does. but i cant imagine being close to anyone. the thought of it is such a turn off. but im 41. time is not on my side. before i know it, my time on earth will be up. do i want to exit alone> right now, that sounds just fine.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
negativity
i noticed my posts for the last year have not been fun or funny. that isnt me. but truth be told, i just struggled with the worst year of my life. and a bunch of ass holes around me didnt help.
what i never mentioned during all my rants and tales of woe, was the most gut wrenching thing. i didnt want to write about it because then it was too real to put in black n white. also, people do not understand and will judge. throw accusations and blame when really if you know anything about it, or have dealt with it yourself, you would know we cant cause, cure or control it.
my son is a recovering addict.
everything was in chaos. i dealt with it like any mother would. i tried to scream it out, barter it out, bribe it out. i held him thru a detox. nursed him back to health. believed his lies. cried myself to sleep, if i slept at all. i prayed when i knew there was no one paying attention. i trolled the streets looking for him. i tried everything. even believed his lies when i knew he was lying. not my baby. everybody experiments. this is just a phase. he will just stop.
not even close.
he lost everything.
school, family, friends, every single belonging. he robbed us. all of us. grandparents, even great grandparents and an 11 yr old's piggy bank. stared us in the face and told us "it wasnt me". until that last straw when i faced him with prison or rehab. he finally broke. knowing he was now homeless. no where to turn. i had threatened every last family member that if they "helped" him in anyway, they will have me to deal with. surprisingly, they all complied. they all love him so much they wanted him back.
that night, september 9th, he checked into a 30 day program at 2am, one day after i had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. after spending 10 hours getting him there. i remember every second of that day. i slept for the first time that night.
let me tell you how he got there.
mutha, fucking, evil, opiates. it is an epidemic. what i have learned through this unwanted learning process, is that our young, educated men are being stolen from us. they are no match. as michael will openly tell you, it was literally overnight. one day he was trying percocet, the next thing he knew he couldnt function without it. but it had progressed so quickly. a simple perc went to oxys. he smoked them. i didnt even know that was possible.
when i stayed with him through his first detox, i was stupid enough to think the worst was over. the opiate withdraw is not days, its months. after the flu, and the pain, comes the insomnia that is relentless. he would beg me for nyquil or anything so he could just go to sleep. i refused him. i explained that he needs to do this on his own. what we learned is he couldnt. oh, by the way. that is how i spent my mothers day weekend.
he got it at his 30 day program. he made friends that he "loved" in days. sadly, most of them are already using, dead, or back in a program. he has no circle of friends anymore. he was the most popular kid always in his old life. he went to a sober living house that i funded. it was for men 18-24. a gorgeous 100 yr old mansion. take a guess of who occupied it. all white, college educated, (some ivy league), middle class, smart, loving, good kids. same boat as my boy.
the house was very strict. no fucking around. perfect place for him. except he couldnt tell them jesus christ was his lord and savior. he couldnt just play the game. michael left there after 6 weeks to be in a roommate situation with kids he knew from rehab. 3 guesses how that works out. 2 out of the 4 fell off the wagon, big time. michael was in a panic. what belongings he had left were boarded up in the house when they were evicted due to the rent not being paid in 3 months. all the while, he is keeping me posted, holding down his job, and keeping upbeat.
we get to the here and now. we are "roommates". im trying to make him a more responsible man. still has his job. clean, just for today, but that's it. back to playing video games. isolates and reads books, (not a bad thing). but not growing. just existing. still entitled which is where my struggle comes in. yeah, im proud of him for staying clean, but he cannot just do the one day at a time sitting on my couch. its time he starts living again.
my anxiety has not let up for one second. when his phone is off, i freak. when he goes to the store, i worry he'll run into someone. i have PTSD from this and it is very real. i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy the pain i went through watching my son dying. but bringing everyone down with him. being a complete piece of shit you wouldnt stop to piss on if he was on fire.
i talked to no one and still dont. my relationship suffered because i was alone in dealing with it while i was with someone. that feels 10xs more alone then actually being alone. the ex wife dumping the kids on us more and more. i didnt want to be with the kids!!! im a fucking mess. we never bounced back. we most likely never will.
so if all my posts in 2013 we on the negative tip, this is why. during all my other annoyances and break downs, i was dealing with this. still do. every second of every day. i took offense to ass holes contributing to my hard time. i was fighting for my boys life and my own sanity. my son got his life, im pretty sure what little bit of sanity i had is long gone.
we had a long talk tonight. i tried to make him understand what effects this had on me. how i dont know how to get back to happy. how i need him to behave in certain ways so i dont suspect the worst. how, yeah, being clean for 6 months is awesome, but that isnt enough. i understand he has to start all over and its scary. but he has to start. he is young and gorgeous, and smart, and sensitive, and compassionate. i shouldnt be the only person to know this.
side note... FDA has just approved a stronger opiate to release on the market. if there is no conspiracy, why stronger dosage<
what i never mentioned during all my rants and tales of woe, was the most gut wrenching thing. i didnt want to write about it because then it was too real to put in black n white. also, people do not understand and will judge. throw accusations and blame when really if you know anything about it, or have dealt with it yourself, you would know we cant cause, cure or control it.
my son is a recovering addict.
everything was in chaos. i dealt with it like any mother would. i tried to scream it out, barter it out, bribe it out. i held him thru a detox. nursed him back to health. believed his lies. cried myself to sleep, if i slept at all. i prayed when i knew there was no one paying attention. i trolled the streets looking for him. i tried everything. even believed his lies when i knew he was lying. not my baby. everybody experiments. this is just a phase. he will just stop.
not even close.
he lost everything.
school, family, friends, every single belonging. he robbed us. all of us. grandparents, even great grandparents and an 11 yr old's piggy bank. stared us in the face and told us "it wasnt me". until that last straw when i faced him with prison or rehab. he finally broke. knowing he was now homeless. no where to turn. i had threatened every last family member that if they "helped" him in anyway, they will have me to deal with. surprisingly, they all complied. they all love him so much they wanted him back.
that night, september 9th, he checked into a 30 day program at 2am, one day after i had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. after spending 10 hours getting him there. i remember every second of that day. i slept for the first time that night.
let me tell you how he got there.
mutha, fucking, evil, opiates. it is an epidemic. what i have learned through this unwanted learning process, is that our young, educated men are being stolen from us. they are no match. as michael will openly tell you, it was literally overnight. one day he was trying percocet, the next thing he knew he couldnt function without it. but it had progressed so quickly. a simple perc went to oxys. he smoked them. i didnt even know that was possible.
when i stayed with him through his first detox, i was stupid enough to think the worst was over. the opiate withdraw is not days, its months. after the flu, and the pain, comes the insomnia that is relentless. he would beg me for nyquil or anything so he could just go to sleep. i refused him. i explained that he needs to do this on his own. what we learned is he couldnt. oh, by the way. that is how i spent my mothers day weekend.
he got it at his 30 day program. he made friends that he "loved" in days. sadly, most of them are already using, dead, or back in a program. he has no circle of friends anymore. he was the most popular kid always in his old life. he went to a sober living house that i funded. it was for men 18-24. a gorgeous 100 yr old mansion. take a guess of who occupied it. all white, college educated, (some ivy league), middle class, smart, loving, good kids. same boat as my boy.
the house was very strict. no fucking around. perfect place for him. except he couldnt tell them jesus christ was his lord and savior. he couldnt just play the game. michael left there after 6 weeks to be in a roommate situation with kids he knew from rehab. 3 guesses how that works out. 2 out of the 4 fell off the wagon, big time. michael was in a panic. what belongings he had left were boarded up in the house when they were evicted due to the rent not being paid in 3 months. all the while, he is keeping me posted, holding down his job, and keeping upbeat.
we get to the here and now. we are "roommates". im trying to make him a more responsible man. still has his job. clean, just for today, but that's it. back to playing video games. isolates and reads books, (not a bad thing). but not growing. just existing. still entitled which is where my struggle comes in. yeah, im proud of him for staying clean, but he cannot just do the one day at a time sitting on my couch. its time he starts living again.
my anxiety has not let up for one second. when his phone is off, i freak. when he goes to the store, i worry he'll run into someone. i have PTSD from this and it is very real. i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy the pain i went through watching my son dying. but bringing everyone down with him. being a complete piece of shit you wouldnt stop to piss on if he was on fire.
i talked to no one and still dont. my relationship suffered because i was alone in dealing with it while i was with someone. that feels 10xs more alone then actually being alone. the ex wife dumping the kids on us more and more. i didnt want to be with the kids!!! im a fucking mess. we never bounced back. we most likely never will.
so if all my posts in 2013 we on the negative tip, this is why. during all my other annoyances and break downs, i was dealing with this. still do. every second of every day. i took offense to ass holes contributing to my hard time. i was fighting for my boys life and my own sanity. my son got his life, im pretty sure what little bit of sanity i had is long gone.
we had a long talk tonight. i tried to make him understand what effects this had on me. how i dont know how to get back to happy. how i need him to behave in certain ways so i dont suspect the worst. how, yeah, being clean for 6 months is awesome, but that isnt enough. i understand he has to start all over and its scary. but he has to start. he is young and gorgeous, and smart, and sensitive, and compassionate. i shouldnt be the only person to know this.
side note... FDA has just approved a stronger opiate to release on the market. if there is no conspiracy, why stronger dosage<
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
and i exhale
i am in the new spot and its awesome. i slept on saturday night for the 1st time in months. in my own bed. it was fantastic. a funny change of events happened... i dont think were breaking up anymore. not today anyway. he helped us move. was more than gracious, all the while believing we were done. as soon as all my shit is in place, it would be the last time we would hang out. then the switch. i was happy. happy like before i made the mistake of moving in to their house. with all the bad juju of the christmas past. all the resentment gone. it felt like before. 
i need my space. my own life. with girl friends and yoga. i have 3 closets in my bedroom. one is just for shoes. i dont have to share shit. i dont have to hide from the kids. they are adorable, but not mine. i dont want to be bothered. that is not my scene. i never wanted to get attached or involved. i dont have to do homework anymore. i dont have to cook or pack lunches. when i get home from work, i need to veg. NEED to. i dont get as much free time as their mother. then again, no one does.
who knows what will be next. i have work this weekend and a couple soldiers from out of town will be crashing here. using the pool and spa. we'll drink wine and have grownup conversations. their will be no children in sight.
i need my space. my own life. with girl friends and yoga. i have 3 closets in my bedroom. one is just for shoes. i dont have to share shit. i dont have to hide from the kids. they are adorable, but not mine. i dont want to be bothered. that is not my scene. i never wanted to get attached or involved. i dont have to do homework anymore. i dont have to cook or pack lunches. when i get home from work, i need to veg. NEED to. i dont get as much free time as their mother. then again, no one does.
who knows what will be next. i have work this weekend and a couple soldiers from out of town will be crashing here. using the pool and spa. we'll drink wine and have grownup conversations. their will be no children in sight.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
selfish bitch
i know i have gone on rants about this before and retracted what i wrote out of guilt, but this time it stands. you are a fucking, pathetic, excuse for a mother. how do you justify seeing your kids 4-5 days a month. disgusting pig.
i am so embarrassed for you. i feel horrible for the 3 kids you crapped out and decided your free time is more valuable then actually raising them. how do you justify it< dont your friends ask about them< how do you look at yourself in the mirror<
how dare you take the time to show your face to drop off cupcakes for your boys bday< gross. did your boyfriend give you an extra special strong dickin' that night< because my sex life has been non existent because you never have your kids. bitch.
my gloves are off. finally out of this dump that used to be yours. away from your offspring. i want to punch you 10 xs in the face. and i just might. i have nothing to lose. my life here will soon be a distant memory, but this feeling of hatred i have for you will stay. you should be ashamed of your whore self. fuck you.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
8 days until "home"
8 more days until i am "home". my home. with my things. in my bed. i swear this has been the longest month of my life. today it hurts more than usual. i don't know why. it comes in waves. sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, and moments of compassion. today it is all sadness. tears are right there. ready to fall with any pull of the trigger. i am fragile. why does everything have to end>
every relationship starts off great. if it didn't it wouldnt become a relationship. well, in my world anyway. this one was so different. i had been even more happy than i ever remembered. now im the saddest i can ever remember.
when my ex husband and i broke up, i was devastated. no one gets married planning on getting a divorce. divorce is evil. turns good people bad. the beautiful, ugly. i lost 30 lbs and lost my mind along the way. it took me years to build back up to something i could be proud of. years. many mistakes. self medicating. destructive behavior. then i turned a corner. i only want to be great. i need to love myself so i can give love back. i did. everyday i saw as an opportunity to kick ass. it was spring and summer at all times in my head. i walked to a beat of a different drummer. bounced to imagined funky bass. kick in my step that told people i was having a good time. people noticed. i had a gravitational pull.
one thing i always new about my ex husband and my relationship was we did not fit. it never felt natural. we were from different planets. we had a connection that was very real at the time. looking back, i should have known. it still fucked me up. i disappeared from everyone who knew me and started over. like i said, it took years, but i found my place in the world. with people i love. eliminated those who didn't serve me. which was a large number of hangers on. fly by night nobodies. popularity with no substance. i turned off the chaos, and looked inside. i reinvented myself. but i didnt change me. just my course and actions. and the world became my oyster.
men were not a focus. i always had them. filled in the gaps, and saved me from boredom. i know theyre there now, but i cant even imagine being with anyone. today it hurts. bad. my chest feels like its going to crack. 8 days until i'm "home".
i have been isolated in this house full of people. never so uncomfortable in my life. just me, my iphone, my laptop, and the tv. i went on a dating website just to see what was out there. occupy the time. my profile lasted a day and a half. i got 75 messages, 400+ people checking in on my shit, 200 people "liked" me, and i saw at least 10 people i already knew. one being my cousins recent ex husband of 20 yrs, a man i dated already when i lived in cc, friends from the neighborhood and a boy i used to work with. these were the people who visited my page. uuugggghhhhh. gross. curiosity over.
even if there was a catch out there, i dont want to know him. i have to be a catch first. i have to love me again. i dont even know who i am. what i want. where ill be. i just want the pain to stop. i cant fall apart like i did 10 yrs ago when the ex husband and i split. at the very least, i learned what not to do. this time i will throw myself into positive activities. hopefully, when i realize the hurt is gone, i will have a few accomplishments under my belt. right now i just have to get through these next 8 days.
i wish he knew how im feeling. or i wish he felt what i do. i wish this year was a bad dream and we could wake up and be awesome again. i wish i didnt remember the great times so i could walk away with ease. i wish for a lot. i wish for peace in my heart, a clear head, the motivation to get up, and a happy ending.
instead it is an ending with no happiness. nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
"everything is everything
what will be will be"... Lauren Hill
going through a break up is something i should be used to by now. I have broken up with everyone. I always know there will be an end. Nothing good lasts. Why is this one fucking me up more than others<
It was the best relationship I ever had. WAS. It was a great almost 2 yrs. Then it became work. Less fun. More misery. Hurt feelings that never repaired. Punished for sins of the past. Insanity at it's finest. I spent most of this last year not knowing what he was talking about. Defending myself. Saying "That's not what happened" more than I care to remember. Somewhere along the line, I was no longer his best friend. Love of his life. I was the bitch. The wife. He anticipated conflict where there was none. We were so happy. Talked about it often. I had even suggested counseling when times were great, just to keep them great. What happened>
I really didn't ask for much. Just be nice to me. I realize I'm a handful. I am by far easy. He knew this going in. Somewhere along the line, he turned a corner. I had to be punished. Made me hurt. Things that can never be taken back. Suspicions that have no foundation. Not the jealousy kind. The kind that believed I wanted to "win". Get over on him. Change him. Cause him some kind of pain or hardship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stayed consistent. I gave and gave until it was expected. He stopped doing anything that involved making me feel happy or welcome. I was a guest in his life, after I gave up what I knew for him. Isolated from my people. No classes, no yoga, no happy hours. I was just existing waiting for him to be nice.
It hurt so much more coming from him. I've been beat up and put down by every dude I've ever been with. Which is why I was happily single for all that time. When I was single, I was learning, growing, and doing all the time. Even during out first 2 yrs, I traveled or was engaged in other things. Moving in was the dumbest thing. But to be honest, it had already started to get bad when I moved in. I should have kept him at arms length. Then this wouldn't hurt so bad. I am broken. Again. I will never trust anyone. That was the last chance for me. I took a leap of faith with a dude who had all the things I didn't want. Kids. Blue collar gig, living in my old hood, and horrible Philly accent. I couldn't get enough of him. He got too comfortable. Not only stopped trying, he wanted to prove that I am disposable. Like every single person who told me they "loved" me.
I have no interest at this point in dating or men in general. I am living in a ridiculously pimp pad in 15 days. Taking some spring\summer classes. Yoga all the time. Gym in my building, so 2 a days is a given. Going back to seeing plays and reading books. I'm not worried at all about being "alone". I welcome it, because I have never been so alone in my life. It is gonna take a while for the pain to stop. I will fake it until I make it. Every things gone be alright.
going through a break up is something i should be used to by now. I have broken up with everyone. I always know there will be an end. Nothing good lasts. Why is this one fucking me up more than others<
It was the best relationship I ever had. WAS. It was a great almost 2 yrs. Then it became work. Less fun. More misery. Hurt feelings that never repaired. Punished for sins of the past. Insanity at it's finest. I spent most of this last year not knowing what he was talking about. Defending myself. Saying "That's not what happened" more than I care to remember. Somewhere along the line, I was no longer his best friend. Love of his life. I was the bitch. The wife. He anticipated conflict where there was none. We were so happy. Talked about it often. I had even suggested counseling when times were great, just to keep them great. What happened>
I really didn't ask for much. Just be nice to me. I realize I'm a handful. I am by far easy. He knew this going in. Somewhere along the line, he turned a corner. I had to be punished. Made me hurt. Things that can never be taken back. Suspicions that have no foundation. Not the jealousy kind. The kind that believed I wanted to "win". Get over on him. Change him. Cause him some kind of pain or hardship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stayed consistent. I gave and gave until it was expected. He stopped doing anything that involved making me feel happy or welcome. I was a guest in his life, after I gave up what I knew for him. Isolated from my people. No classes, no yoga, no happy hours. I was just existing waiting for him to be nice.
It hurt so much more coming from him. I've been beat up and put down by every dude I've ever been with. Which is why I was happily single for all that time. When I was single, I was learning, growing, and doing all the time. Even during out first 2 yrs, I traveled or was engaged in other things. Moving in was the dumbest thing. But to be honest, it had already started to get bad when I moved in. I should have kept him at arms length. Then this wouldn't hurt so bad. I am broken. Again. I will never trust anyone. That was the last chance for me. I took a leap of faith with a dude who had all the things I didn't want. Kids. Blue collar gig, living in my old hood, and horrible Philly accent. I couldn't get enough of him. He got too comfortable. Not only stopped trying, he wanted to prove that I am disposable. Like every single person who told me they "loved" me.
I have no interest at this point in dating or men in general. I am living in a ridiculously pimp pad in 15 days. Taking some spring\summer classes. Yoga all the time. Gym in my building, so 2 a days is a given. Going back to seeing plays and reading books. I'm not worried at all about being "alone". I welcome it, because I have never been so alone in my life. It is gonna take a while for the pain to stop. I will fake it until I make it. Every things gone be alright.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
tick tock
i have a pattern. i stay way too long in something that does not suit me anymore. maybe i think that its just a rough patch, it will turn around. or maybe i just get so wrapped up in chaos, my brain doesnt function correctly. that seems to make more sense to me.
i freeze. shut down and try to wait for the storm to pass. sometimes it doesnt pass. being caught in the eye of the storm is a permanent situation. eventually, ill un-freeze. put on my rain gear and fancy rain boots and get to where the sun shines. somewhere, the sun is shining. this is truth.
i went back to work yesterday after almost 2 weeks off. work is very stressful. lots of responsibility and bull shit. i counted the minutes until my HOLLAday vaca. other than New Years Eve and New Years Day, my time off sucked. i work too hard to waste any minute of free time not being a happy, productive, learning, growing, bad ass biotch. that is what i do. and grass has grown under my feet. shame on me. that time i can not recover. i can never say never, but i will say lesson learned. no more worrying about anyone else. get me back to where i need to be. crushing skulls and making history.
i cannot wait until 01 FEB. connecting with my friends and my life again, high atop the city. looking out to new possibilities and old comfy feelings. meeting interesting, new, people in uncharted territory. steps away from old stomping grounds, but surrounded by unknown. whatever the universe holds for me, i am so ready to get at it. i wish i could blink my eyes and it be the day.
the "new crib" party planned, complete with DJ, cocktail menu, and guest list. i will make it an early evening shin dig so not to piss off my new neighbors and possible new BFFs! tick tock tick tock... almost party time.
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