this is what i look for in a companion. in no particular order. but all important
1. hot. i have to look at him and be like, daaayyyuuummm.
2. stable. no drama. not even a little.
3. career. i prefer them to "step out the box" and do something they love. different from others.
4. in shape. i work hard to keep it together. its easier for men. no excuses.
5. style. they dont have to rock a suit, but if they do, it best be fly. phat kicks. vintage tees. whatever. just always have flavor. even on down time.
6. no fatties. ever. call me shallow. i dont care.
7. must read.
8. must vote.
9. hair on head. sorry. there are a few exceptions to this rule. but not many.
10. manscape everywhere else.
11. dont try to change me. others have tried and have not succeeded. its pointless.
12. have your own life. own friends. own interests outside of me.
13. jealousy is gross.
14. be funny.
15. like to travel
16. try new things
17. not a deal breaker, but a love for reality tv couldnt hurt.
18. a lil latino in your blood also a plus, but again, not a deal breaker
20. love sushi
21. supportive of all my endeavors, no matter how crazy they seem to be.
22. my best friend
23. no slobs. if you dont clean, you best hire a cleaning service to do it for you. dirty is such a turn off.
24. a man that can cook is hot, but a man that knows how to order great take out is great too.
25. i like gifts. small and large. its so sexy when a man sees something and thinks of you. something as small as a cute lipgloss to as big as a mercedes. ha. thoughtfulness is key. i want to know, when im not around, im still in your head.
26. im made a priority. not that i need him with me 24-7. but the decisions he makes have an effect on me.
27. MUST KNOW HOW TO PARALLEL PARK!
28. no children. grown kids are ok. i raised my kid. not looking to start over. or get involved. what if i love the kid? and we dont work? what if i hate the kid? and like you? too much to think about
29. no racists
30. no homophobes. you would have to be comfortable around my gays
31. not from jersey
32. if you have a barbed wire tattoo? youre a douche. not only could we not date, we cant be friends
33. you are not a fan of celine dion
34. and i dont want a "sensitive" man. if you cry, youre a pussy. unless theres a death or devastating event, you better not shed a tear. i cant see you as weak. your eyes fill up at the end of a chick flick, i gotta bounce
35. NO RIGHT WING, CONSERVATIVE, REPUBLICANS!! trust that youll hate me too
36. everything else, negotiable.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Sunday, December 20, 2009
just a rant
i have dated a lot of great guys. some not so great. when i look back, i see i was a lucky girl. i was not always an angel. sometimes downright scandalous. ive treated some badly. and i have paid for it 10 fold with karma. i learned my lesson. no more. love them or not. be good to them or bounce. no more games. just honesty. may hurt at first, but long run its better.
one ex in particular, after a long step back, i realize is a total clown. now, ive had hard feelings with boys in the past. no too many. usually im cool with them. no reason to hate. life is short. i want to build bridges, not break um. but lately, im thinking a lot about this one.
he was good at making me feel like everything was my fault. and like i said, in the past, things may have been my fault. but not in this case. he's a clown. clown is a good word. manipulative. needy. suspicious. possesive. spoiled. abusive. self inflated. self important. delusional. narcisistic.
i was constantly accused of bullshit that did not exist. not being used to this, i adapted to being the bad guy. it got so out of control, i had no life outside of him because it wasnt worth the fight. i was defeated. and even during the break up i took full responsibility. no surprise. he took none. all about how he was the martyr. all the stuff he did for me. smoke screen to the actual facts. he always had me where he wanted. beaten down and scared of the shoe to drop. afraid at any minute i would have done/said something to set him off. i was in a position of weakness and he used it to his full advantage. separated from friends and family. no one to talk to. embarrassed about where this had taken me. strong me? brainwashed with stockholm syndrome. symapthizing with my captor. just trying to get thru the day. even months after. i still felt like i was an awful person. it WAS me. i was the asshole. but now, clear head, big distance, time gone by. it was HIM. hes a clown. a phoney. controlling dick head. but is so delusional, he 'll never see it. out of all the relationships i have had. serious/casual whatever. this was by far the worst. and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen. never trust a clown.
I know he'll read this because he's a stalker. checked my phone, breaks in to my emails, tries to break into my facebook. invents conspiracy theories of things that i not only never did, but were so outlandish, there was no defense. he would make crazy threats to tell my son about the "real" me or contact jobs and let them know what kind of person i am. tried every intimadation tactic. bullied me. invaded my haunts. he would tell his friends that i never met, awful things about me. they would in turn, bash me. saying the most horrific things. people i never met? stuff that people i knew all my life couldnt say. set me up to look like a scum bag so he would have a gang rally in his defense. and this was when things were "good". and the worst, tried to make me believe, just recently, that hes normal. happy. successful. centered. bullshit. clownery.
i will be visiting out west. to see friends. i am almost too curious to see him. not because i want anything to do with him. i just want to see the latest performance of a clown. what fairy tales he has invented. and how he"ll spin his failure of a life.
hey clown, get a job. get a life. get a clue. you are not the superstar you believe yourself to be. you are not nearly as smart, charming, or good looking as you think. again with the delusions. go on thinking you know me "better then i know myself" hahaha. clown. go on believing you have everyone and everything figured out. this isnt college. and youre not the athlete anymore.
you are a child. not a man. a bitch. im angry now. its about time. i hate what you did to me. what you made me to beleive about myself. how you made me feel. took a girl at her lowest and tried to kill everything about her. and then cried to anyone who would listen. there are 3 sides to every story. yours, mine and the truth. the difference is, until now, i never spoke my side. im still keeping it classy.
one ex in particular, after a long step back, i realize is a total clown. now, ive had hard feelings with boys in the past. no too many. usually im cool with them. no reason to hate. life is short. i want to build bridges, not break um. but lately, im thinking a lot about this one.
he was good at making me feel like everything was my fault. and like i said, in the past, things may have been my fault. but not in this case. he's a clown. clown is a good word. manipulative. needy. suspicious. possesive. spoiled. abusive. self inflated. self important. delusional. narcisistic.
i was constantly accused of bullshit that did not exist. not being used to this, i adapted to being the bad guy. it got so out of control, i had no life outside of him because it wasnt worth the fight. i was defeated. and even during the break up i took full responsibility. no surprise. he took none. all about how he was the martyr. all the stuff he did for me. smoke screen to the actual facts. he always had me where he wanted. beaten down and scared of the shoe to drop. afraid at any minute i would have done/said something to set him off. i was in a position of weakness and he used it to his full advantage. separated from friends and family. no one to talk to. embarrassed about where this had taken me. strong me? brainwashed with stockholm syndrome. symapthizing with my captor. just trying to get thru the day. even months after. i still felt like i was an awful person. it WAS me. i was the asshole. but now, clear head, big distance, time gone by. it was HIM. hes a clown. a phoney. controlling dick head. but is so delusional, he 'll never see it. out of all the relationships i have had. serious/casual whatever. this was by far the worst. and im ashamed of myself for letting it happen. never trust a clown.
I know he'll read this because he's a stalker. checked my phone, breaks in to my emails, tries to break into my facebook. invents conspiracy theories of things that i not only never did, but were so outlandish, there was no defense. he would make crazy threats to tell my son about the "real" me or contact jobs and let them know what kind of person i am. tried every intimadation tactic. bullied me. invaded my haunts. he would tell his friends that i never met, awful things about me. they would in turn, bash me. saying the most horrific things. people i never met? stuff that people i knew all my life couldnt say. set me up to look like a scum bag so he would have a gang rally in his defense. and this was when things were "good". and the worst, tried to make me believe, just recently, that hes normal. happy. successful. centered. bullshit. clownery.
i will be visiting out west. to see friends. i am almost too curious to see him. not because i want anything to do with him. i just want to see the latest performance of a clown. what fairy tales he has invented. and how he"ll spin his failure of a life.
hey clown, get a job. get a life. get a clue. you are not the superstar you believe yourself to be. you are not nearly as smart, charming, or good looking as you think. again with the delusions. go on thinking you know me "better then i know myself" hahaha. clown. go on believing you have everyone and everything figured out. this isnt college. and youre not the athlete anymore.
you are a child. not a man. a bitch. im angry now. its about time. i hate what you did to me. what you made me to beleive about myself. how you made me feel. took a girl at her lowest and tried to kill everything about her. and then cried to anyone who would listen. there are 3 sides to every story. yours, mine and the truth. the difference is, until now, i never spoke my side. im still keeping it classy.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
down to the wire
almost time to go. life as i know it will come to an abrupt end. no longer in control of my daily life. someone else will have that power. i find that almost comforting. spending a lifetime of trying to figure things out. its a welcomed change to have someone else make my decisions for me. im going on auto pilot. and my issues with authority figures is going to have to come to an end. i wont win any battles, no sense to put up a fight.
im starting to worry. im much older then the others. my body does not bounce back like the lucky youth. aches and pains on any normal day. about to get an ass kickin on the daily. i just hope the physical part is obtainable. i know in the back of my mind, that i can whoop any 20 year olds ass. but i still worry. combat barbie.
i am already planning my return. doing some travel before i touch base back in philly. hopefully have a plan on whats next. a new perspective. a sunny disposition. a renewed love for my hometown. or, if thats not the case, an exit strategy. one that solves everything. the boy happy. me happy. its our time. life is short. and too much time has past not living the lives we want. no more. struggles and bullshit stops now.
my 37th birthday in 3 days. 37. i cant believe it. by 38, i will have a much different life. im excited to see what life that will be.
im starting to worry. im much older then the others. my body does not bounce back like the lucky youth. aches and pains on any normal day. about to get an ass kickin on the daily. i just hope the physical part is obtainable. i know in the back of my mind, that i can whoop any 20 year olds ass. but i still worry. combat barbie.
i am already planning my return. doing some travel before i touch base back in philly. hopefully have a plan on whats next. a new perspective. a sunny disposition. a renewed love for my hometown. or, if thats not the case, an exit strategy. one that solves everything. the boy happy. me happy. its our time. life is short. and too much time has past not living the lives we want. no more. struggles and bullshit stops now.
my 37th birthday in 3 days. 37. i cant believe it. by 38, i will have a much different life. im excited to see what life that will be.
Friday, December 4, 2009
bucket list
1 be great. do great things. earn bragging rights.
2 live in at least one foreing country. learn the language. the food. culture. become a native.
3 fall in love. real love. dizzying, all consuming, meaningful love. 2 sided. supportive. room to grow. respectful. team work. fullfilling.
4 dance at the boys wedding
5 finish college
6 write a book
7 take a cooking class
8 fly in a helicopter
9 go to the kentucky derby
10 paint again
11 finish another endurance sport
12 complete a yoga teacher training
13 mend broken friendships/relationships
14 cross country trip with good friends
15 land a career
16 perform on stage
17 learn to build a house with habitat for humanity
18 be on the board of a non profit
19 climb a mountain
20 zip line thru the costa rican jungles
21 learn to surf
22 learn to snow board
23 take an exotic trip alone
24 learn an entire dance i.e. salsa, rhumba whatev
2 live in at least one foreing country. learn the language. the food. culture. become a native.
3 fall in love. real love. dizzying, all consuming, meaningful love. 2 sided. supportive. room to grow. respectful. team work. fullfilling.
4 dance at the boys wedding
5 finish college
6 write a book
7 take a cooking class
8 fly in a helicopter
9 go to the kentucky derby
10 paint again
11 finish another endurance sport
12 complete a yoga teacher training
13 mend broken friendships/relationships
14 cross country trip with good friends
15 land a career
16 perform on stage
17 learn to build a house with habitat for humanity
18 be on the board of a non profit
19 climb a mountain
20 zip line thru the costa rican jungles
21 learn to surf
22 learn to snow board
23 take an exotic trip alone
24 learn an entire dance i.e. salsa, rhumba whatev
Saturday, November 14, 2009
love is...
im not quite sure. but im on a quest to figure it out.
love for my son is a given. its not something you choose, it chooses you. unconditional, unstoppable, overwhelming at times, but a blessing. bonded forever. willing to go to the ends of the earth. and be proud to do it. my greatest accomplishment. my shining star. i am a lucky girl.
love for my dog. a dogs only purpose in life is to love and be loved. perfect. innocent. undying loyalty that you can not find in people. it doesnt hurt that shes a crazy, lil, freak.
but who else? then i thought about it. i love so many people. some whos names i never knew. some i never met. friends who made me laugh til i hurt or cry til my heart bleeds. strangers who lended a hand or told a story to put lifes crazy bullshit into perspective. babies who smile at me or an old man who called me "sweetheart" in the most sincere way. life long friends who know all my ugly but still appreciate me. new aquaintences who take the daily pressures of life away and make you forget about the trials and tribulations if only for a short while. "enemies" who did me so dirty. broke my spirit for periods of time. taking my confidence away. making it almost impossible to trust again. almost. unfortunately, there are lots of them out there. i realize i love them for making me see the opposite of them in others. the good in people. the light from inside. teachers, firemen, police, military, philanthropists. unsung, quiet heroes who do whats right, but take no recognition for it. kind, positive, souls who restore my faith in human kind.
i used to think i was fine alone. gaurded. shut off emotionally from anyone who tried to get close. a hard candy shell. in control of any situation. im slowly breaking down that wall and trying to let love in. and by love? i dont mean the "happily ever after" kind. the "til death do us part" is not my style. i think love is a series of people who impact your life in a positive way. it comes in many forms. many circumstances.
family to me was a negative word. recently, in a crazy chain of events, im reconnecting with my past. im open to what will be. i hope that cycles are broken. but im not niave. here i will have to stay gaurded. survival tactic. i cant allow others to make me feel small anymore. im learning to love. trying to love myself. trying to teach myself that i deserve to be happy. supported. uplifted . and i caznt expect people cant do that for me, i have to do it for myself. but i can be strong enough to not let anyone break me again. so here lies the struggle...
how do i let love in and not risk being hurt? can i be hurt anymore? is it too late for me to feel? the things i have let people do to me in the past has left me too "tuff". i know that cant be a good thing. strong is good. strong to the point of bitter? not so good. i hope this new journey will take all outside influences out of the equation. force me to focus on myself. learn who i am. what i want. who i want to be. and who i want to share that with. i always thought i couldnt change. i can hear myself saying it out loud to people who tried to get close "this is me, this is all i got. i cant change. take it or leave it" i have a feeling, 6 months away from it all, i am going to change. lets just hope its for the better.
i hope when i come back, i find out truley who my friends are. who actually "loves" me. i wont be the same. it would be impossible to be. i will be changed. that is a definite. only time will tell. looking forward to finding out these answers. its a crazy life. with so much good. but i have spent too much time focussing on the bad. that ends now. its a new day. with a new theme. a new song. a new me. well, its a new day. we can start there.
love for my son is a given. its not something you choose, it chooses you. unconditional, unstoppable, overwhelming at times, but a blessing. bonded forever. willing to go to the ends of the earth. and be proud to do it. my greatest accomplishment. my shining star. i am a lucky girl.
love for my dog. a dogs only purpose in life is to love and be loved. perfect. innocent. undying loyalty that you can not find in people. it doesnt hurt that shes a crazy, lil, freak.
but who else? then i thought about it. i love so many people. some whos names i never knew. some i never met. friends who made me laugh til i hurt or cry til my heart bleeds. strangers who lended a hand or told a story to put lifes crazy bullshit into perspective. babies who smile at me or an old man who called me "sweetheart" in the most sincere way. life long friends who know all my ugly but still appreciate me. new aquaintences who take the daily pressures of life away and make you forget about the trials and tribulations if only for a short while. "enemies" who did me so dirty. broke my spirit for periods of time. taking my confidence away. making it almost impossible to trust again. almost. unfortunately, there are lots of them out there. i realize i love them for making me see the opposite of them in others. the good in people. the light from inside. teachers, firemen, police, military, philanthropists. unsung, quiet heroes who do whats right, but take no recognition for it. kind, positive, souls who restore my faith in human kind.
i used to think i was fine alone. gaurded. shut off emotionally from anyone who tried to get close. a hard candy shell. in control of any situation. im slowly breaking down that wall and trying to let love in. and by love? i dont mean the "happily ever after" kind. the "til death do us part" is not my style. i think love is a series of people who impact your life in a positive way. it comes in many forms. many circumstances.
family to me was a negative word. recently, in a crazy chain of events, im reconnecting with my past. im open to what will be. i hope that cycles are broken. but im not niave. here i will have to stay gaurded. survival tactic. i cant allow others to make me feel small anymore. im learning to love. trying to love myself. trying to teach myself that i deserve to be happy. supported. uplifted . and i caznt expect people cant do that for me, i have to do it for myself. but i can be strong enough to not let anyone break me again. so here lies the struggle...
how do i let love in and not risk being hurt? can i be hurt anymore? is it too late for me to feel? the things i have let people do to me in the past has left me too "tuff". i know that cant be a good thing. strong is good. strong to the point of bitter? not so good. i hope this new journey will take all outside influences out of the equation. force me to focus on myself. learn who i am. what i want. who i want to be. and who i want to share that with. i always thought i couldnt change. i can hear myself saying it out loud to people who tried to get close "this is me, this is all i got. i cant change. take it or leave it" i have a feeling, 6 months away from it all, i am going to change. lets just hope its for the better.
i hope when i come back, i find out truley who my friends are. who actually "loves" me. i wont be the same. it would be impossible to be. i will be changed. that is a definite. only time will tell. looking forward to finding out these answers. its a crazy life. with so much good. but i have spent too much time focussing on the bad. that ends now. its a new day. with a new theme. a new song. a new me. well, its a new day. we can start there.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
yeah, so phillies...
so a sports fan i am not. i gave it a shot this week. phillies on the way to the world series. hopefully. but i hate the game. love the fans. love the party. but how much importance placed on it? nah
the stress of it is too much for me. with all life has to throw at ya, i cant add being on the edge of my seat. stressing about a win? i just want it over. win or lose. my heart cant take it.
the stress of it is too much for me. with all life has to throw at ya, i cant add being on the edge of my seat. stressing about a win? i just want it over. win or lose. my heart cant take it.
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