2 weeks at Ft Dix

I am in the middle of a high speed training at ft dix/maguire air force base. the training is very cool. classroom style. starts at 8. ends at 4. the rest of the day is ours. my friend and i are staying on the air force side. now, we always knew the airforce is far more pampered than us, but OMG.

1st, we are not staying in barracks. we are staying in swanky hotel rooms with every amenity. housekeeping everyday to clean up after us and restock our coffee, towels and toiletries. it is like a vacation!

2nd, the gym/wellness center is off the hook. not just the nicest gym on a base ive seen, but the nicest gym ive ever seen. and i have worked in upscale "fitness facilities". smoothie bars, yoga, Pilate's, kettle bell, spinning and other classes offered every day. sauna and steam rooms in the super clean and brand new locker rooms. every possible machine and equipment you could ask for. add on racquetball and basketball courts. this you would never find on the army side. we get gyms, but thats what they are. gyms. i was always grateful for them. now, it will be hard to go back. we have been working out 2xs a day. we have to take some kind of tylenol or motrin to get out of bed, but were here for 2 weeks, might as well get it in.

3rd, the dining facilities. so, we get cafeteria style meals. its the same on the air force side except for a few differences. instead of horrible coffee, there is an espresso/latte machine. any kind of coffee you like. that is pretty sweet. pomegranate/blueberry water. also, fresh fruit, frozen yogurt, any kind of cooked breakfast (same on the army side), but here is the biggest difference. when you finish eating, you are to clear your area, remove trash and place trays and dirty dishes in their proper area. here on the air force side, they clean up after you!!!! it feels wrong. the first day i was walking around with my tray looking for where to put it. i spotted an employee "excuse me. where does this go"? she said "put that tray down ma'am, we get that for you". WWWHHHHAAAAA?

also on base, pools, movie theaters, fun centers, shopping, hair salons, liquor stores (they sell booze in the gas stations too), several places to eat and many other things to do. i never want to leave. i have put about 10 miles on my car since ive been here. spent about $25. for example today, breakfast was under $2. its good livin here. im happy.

back to reality in 5 days. boooooooooooo. i wish every army training was like this. this is by far the coolest training ive done so far. add the relaxing portion with the working out? i feel like a new girl.

coming back around

so, i had a breakdown? it happens. im still not all sunshine and unicorns, but my heart doesnt hurt anymore. it snowed today. i was on my way out the door to a yoga class that i desperately needed, and after seeing the snow, decided against it. i hate the snow. class was on the other side of town where parking is tricky. i could possibly have to walk several blocks. normally not a problem. with snow? my own personal nightmare. why do i live in a cold climate?

I have mentioned before that i am a happy girl in flip flops. nothing bothers me when the sun is shining. now, the smallest things set me off. ive been a little dramatic. for a brief time i was focusing on the negative. that stops right now.

im still bummed about nye. but oh well. we had nye last year. she can have this one. shit, she can have every one of them. who cares? it means nothing when i have so much. i should just be grateful for everything and stop being a sad pussy.

all the things i wrote about yesterday still stand. all those things were fucking with my psyche. but what was the real problem, was all my problem. i was jealous. so not like me. i have talked it out, and admitted it. im jealous.

its so stupid and i shouldnt want any one's life or wish for what they have. but my boo's ex isnt doing anything wrong by having nye. or by not working, or by having a bf who doesnt work. thats her life. thats what works for her. i shouldnt judge it or have an opinion. and as much as i wish i had more time to relax and enjoy my life and the people in it, i wouldnt trade it for anything. im sending my apologies out into the universe. shes not an embarrassment. i am. a wreck for 2 days when there are real problems and tragedies in the world.

its not her fault she has it easier than most. i should be happy for her. i wouldnt wish my struggles on anyone. and besides, i dont walk in her shoes. even tho she is super lucky, she may not know it. lucky her who has never really had hardship. i hope she lives 10 lifetimes without ever experiencing it. even knowing what its like. no ones life is perfect. never said hers was. but not ever knowing what it is like to worry about keeping a roof over you and your kids heads and food on the table is a HUGE blessing. and that is why i had such a hard time with everything. all responsibility has always been on me. its constant anxiety. forces you to keep moving, earning, learning, lose sleep, miss events, hide from bill collectors, and do things you hate just to get by. if you take that out of the equation? bliss.

so, im just jealous. i wish i had it easier. then and now. but i cant begrudge those that do. if the grass seems greener? ill just work on my lawn.

i wish the boo's ex a lifetime of happiness. she seems very happy with the man she is with. i met him and i cant say a bad word. i know when they were married, they were terribly unhappy. neither are bad people. just changed. it happens all the time. both are much happier now. life is short and everyone should live the life they want. i am forever grateful to her. if she didnt leave him, he would of had no reason to hang out. we wouldnt of started this. the happier she is, the happier the kids are, then in turn, the happier the boo is. i'm the asshole. its a reoccurring theme.

everyone has a bad day. everyone gets a little crazy. everyone can be an asshole. no one is perfect. i'm sorry again.

and then i crash

all the happy, the lucky, the motivation, and positivity has vanished. just days ago, and most of the last 2 years, my head was spinning with gratitude. and in the blink of an eye, its gone. for no good reason. nothing significant caused this. just a bunch of tiny annoyances that grew to an overwhelming crushing blow. a downpour of a rain on my sunny parade. i cried uncontrollably today. sobbing. feeling like my heart is being shredded to pieces and my chest feels like a boulder rests on it. my shoulders weighed down like 1000 lbs of worries are being balanced on them. I feel low. very low. scary low. why?

all the things ive been so grateful for, are still in existence. all the reasons for my happy are still front and center. but im stuck in a black hole, isolated in my room, talking to no one. hiding.

it may be the cold weather and short days. i cant take the cold. last winter was amazing. warm more than not. the temperature dropped here and an instant switch in mood happened. but that can't be it.

the tragedy of sandyhook ct. i cant talk about. i avoided all coverage and conversation. i cant let this in. i cant deal with the magnitude of pain those involved are going through. i cant change it, fix it, prevent it from happening again, give any kind of comfort, cant walk in their shoes. i have to block it out. but as good as ive been dodging it, its still there. my closest girlfriend covered the story in that town. we can never speak of her experience. she, as a writer, cant shake it. went from sandyhook to xmas dinner. she is from ct. sat at her parents dinner table and tried to be grateful. she'll never be the same. but that can't be it.

i wish i could do more for my son financially. he is struggling and i hate to see it. but i do not have the resources other parents have. at his age, i had him. a one yr old. i went to bed hungry a lot. you want better for your kid. i try to tell myself and him that he'll figure it out. that i had no help. but it kills me. i want to make his life easy. you need help in this world to get ahead. i know this. i had no help. i want him to get everything out of life. its not possible without a steady cash flow. but that cant be it.

i still have not been promoted, due to no fault of my own. i have done everything i was supposed to and then some. i have had road blocks. promoted on paper, but the steps have not been taken to give me my stripes and pay raise. i am the squeaky wheel. making tons of noise about it. i earned it. give it to me! i am so sick of fighting for shit that is mine. already out $2000 because of it. its not fair. but that cant be it.

i am not getting enough sleep. i leave my house at 5 am and get home close to 6pm. there leaves no time for anything else. with no promotion, but more responsibility on me, i'm getting burnt out and stressed. but that cant be it.

maybe it has something to do with my mother. she schedules her flights back from visiting my sister in tampa waaayyy after my bed time. the last time i expressed that i need my sleep (this is when i was waking up at 630, now i wake up at 430) that its really hard for me to wait for her to get her bags, drive her to the NE, back to south philly. her response was..."youre the only one that can do it. take a nap". take a nap??? are you serious? i suggested that she come back early the next morning. grab a 6 am flight and she could be home by 9am. her answer was "no, i dont want the cat to have to wait another night for me". the cat? ITS A CAT!!!!! im your daughter. this time her flight was scheduled to land at 955. now do the math. i wake up at 430. her plane comes in at 10. by the time i get back to my bed, its close to midnight. why is that ok? so it gets better. her flight was delayed. by hours. thank god for the boy. he got her. but she had absolutely no problem with me getting no sleep so she can avoid a cab. heres the best part. i looked up her flight. usair had 20 flights from tampa to philly before that one. 20!!!!!! she is blatantly saying to me, "i dont care what you NEED, this is what i WANT". my son got home close to 2 am. i would have had 2 hrs sleep. she was fine with that. but that cant be it.

i quit smoking 2 1/2 weeks ago. that may have a lot to do with it!!! i miss my friend. my comfort. my way to deal with things. but i didnt want to be a 40 yr old smoker. im trying to get sexier. can this be it?

i am broke from all the merriment and got hit with unexpected bills, of course. i desperately need a new car. that is normal. life. been here a million times. with all the other shit, day to day struggles, its piling up and pushing me under. but here is what set it all off...

the boo's ex.

i just found out our nye plans are canceled. he has the kids. not that he doesnt have them all the time. his ex and her bf dont work.they have more free time than anyone i know. the boo has the kids half the time. we both work ourselves to death and do not get a lot of free time, let alone quality time together. on our nights together, were both asleep by 830-900. they get to live in their fantasy land, complete with bills paid and babysitters at their disposal. the boo has no family and literally works his fingers to the bone. when the kids are with him, theyre with him. monday nights are our normal nights together. but not this monday night. nye. i found out yesterday morning. im alone to start 2013. while she gets to live it up. everyday is her nye. i did my time and earned my freedom. now i have to sacrifice for you? this is what set me off. this is what made me fall apart. im on a hamster wheel. running, running, running. i run to get to the good times which are few, far between, and rightfully earned. she is a taker. entitled. delusional. selfish. i dont expect her to do anything for me/us. but i also dont believe i should be at all inconvenienced for her. fuck her.

this has brought up all the memories of the hard times. how alone i was doing everything by myself. i worked every nye. then i worked every new years day on no sleep. i had to take care of us. i didnt have 5 nights off in a row to hang out with my boyfriend and sleep late. i just got so angry that i struggled so much with one baby. while she parties with 3. im not complaining. it was a privilege. i dont have to do this anymore. i earned my nye. she should earn hers!!! be a mom! a goddamned role model. youre a 40 yr old woman. do for you and yours. dont fuck with my shit. this was the straw that broke the camels back. this was my breaking point. this was the reason i lost it. she reminds me of how hard i had/have it. how i struggle to get by with so little free time. how grateful i am for anything i have. i rarely complain. i give back. and i treat her kids with respect. but i shouldnt have to be responsible for them. i didnt sign on for that. where were you on nye's of the past? you didnt watch my kid. i didnt wreck your night. you suck and youre an embarrassment. your kids will realize this one day. they will be embarrassed. but by then, they will have chosen to live with their dad so you can have 7 days a week off.

this was a looooonnnggggg angry rant. ironically, i do not feel any better. 2013, you better step it up.

im 40

well, the 40 has come and gone. i took off from work today just to recover and chill. sit in the quiet and reflect. ill say it again. i am so lucky.

the celebration started like it has the last 3 years with "Running of the Santas". its a silly thing. 5000 people dress in christmas garb, drinking, dancing, a 3 block run with a concert at electric factory as the main event. like always, we had a blast. no memory of the end of the night. im too old to drink all day and make it til the wee hours. but i think it was a great time.

woke up the next morning at stupid oclock and flew to see my west coast bestie. i had a blast. LA is a whole other animal without an abusive clown controlling your every move. i got to just be. floating around enjoying every minute. hiked in the hills, visited friends, popped down to the beach and the boardwalk, spa time, and going out to eat. just chillin. not partying.

no drama, no plans. just bounced from place to place. even walked on hollywood blvd. something i had never done. my girl lives 3 blocks from there. it was a very different LA experience. no wanna be douchbags, star fuckers, or inflated egos. i actually met people with talent who didnt drop names or care who you know and what you can do for them. it was refreshing. i hated LA when i left back in 2009. it wasnt LA i hated. it was my situation. LA is fine. warm weather, legal weed. the food cannot compare to the east coast,something i could never get used to. but my eyes were opened a little in my short trip.

popped bottles on a roofdeck in hermosa beach at ufc royalty's house, got to see an old philly friend who became an overnight success, (couldnt have happened to a more deserving guy), laughed a lot, rested, enjoyed the sun, met awesome people (2 just so happened to be from philly), and recharged myself. got home in time for the 40 to take place.

this is where i become an asshole...
so the boo picks me up from the airport, we get to my place and he hands me a plastic bag with a robe and slippers in it. "happy birthday" he said. now, i needed a robe for his house. this is a robe you would buy for your mom. nothing sexy or cute. but thats cool. i just needed warm. the next 2 days hes with his kids and i start to get mad. a robe and slippers? in a plastic bag? oh heeeellllllll nah! this is my 40!!! his birthday i went above and beyond to make him feel loved and appreciated! i get a robe in a trashbag?
i run it by my sergeant major. i never share my personal info. he tried to stick up for him, using that excuse that men are stupid. NOT MY MAN!!!! he treats me better on a regular day. so asshole me, starts to unleash on him thru text. "you made me feel so low" "you put no effort" blah blah blah. you get the picture. well, i ruined his surprise. he had gotten me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet, and i wrecked it. i did some ass kissing and apologizing, and hes over it. why did i doubt him? i didnt need diamonds. infact, if that robe was in a giftbag, all would be cool. but he has been so amazing to me this entire time. i should have had faith.

we had dinner with friends and the boy at another friends restaurant in CC. i wore sequined booty shorts because im 40 and its the new "i dont give a fuck". we drug the boy thru the city and even ended up at after hours. we are the best. had a blast. again, i;m so lucky.

another milestone reached. i have already been thinking about 41. so far any plan i have made has been interrupted by life. life dictates. not me. im very curious to see where ill be at 41. hopefully just as happy as i am now, only with a shit ton more accomplishments.

attitude of gratitude

another thanksgiving means more reflection. i am so happy. really happy. i still have struggles like everyone else, but i have so much to be greatful for. i focus on the good, the goals, and the love.
my boy is growing into a man. he's had some struggles, more like life lessons that have made him smarter and stronger. still a way to go before he gets it. he's on his way. i can be his safe place to land, but these are his lessons. some i learned long ago. life isnt easy. nothing worth wild is handed to you. the harder you work to get something, the bigger the reward. he's gonna be alright. he'll stumble, but not fall. brush himself off and figure it out. failure is not an option. mistakes are part of the process. he knows what he doesnt want in life and that is half the battle. i love his face and his sensitive heart. i wish he never left me. lived with me forever. do this crazy journey thru life together. laughing, dancing, learning, and accomplishing together.
still in the best relationship of my life. 2 thanksgivings together. now, we've spent many together in our youth, but not like this. 2 summers, 2 thanksgivings, soon to be 2 birthdays and xmas. time goes by fast. he truley is my best friend. we are a team. we work together to be happy. support each other and keep it moving. we have so much respect for each other. i want to see him smile not just exist like in our previous lives. getting thru the day to get to the next. no joy. just survival. going thru the motions. we have made the decision to live. not just exist. old deamons creep in. ghosts of the past that fucked us up on the way. sometimes we have to take a minute and realize that's not us. work in progress.

40 is coming!!!! woo hoo! getting old is a privledge some never get. i'm not struggling with it, i'm celebrating it. running of the santas, LA, huge dinner with friends when i return. i will have my baby and my boo along with friends who've become family. how blessed am i? life is good. i cant believe i got here.
there have been times in my life where i didnt want to wake up. i used to pray to whatever god would listen to have the pain end. i felt worthless. i just didnt want to breathe anymore. suicide was not an option when youre a mom. the questions your kid is plagued with after is not fair to them. a lifetime of wondering what they coud have done to prevent it.
a freak accident, terminal illness, or act of random violence was all i wished for. too many dark days with no end. bad people who used it to their advantage. one kick to the gut after another.no where to turn. all alone with the weight to carry. but i smiled. faked the funk. often the pain would knock me to my knees. i cried a lot. just when i thought i couldnt hurt anymore a brand new hurt made its way in. i'd like to forget those times, but if i didnt have them would i be as happy as i am now? would i even know how lucky i am? ive been to hell and i won. i have a calm to me now. peace in what is. i focus on what i have and how i can hold on to it.
i only have tears of joy now. when my eyes fill up, its out of sheer happiness. that hurt is gone. i just wish there were more hours in the day. i never have enough time. sometimes life is nonstop. hard to stop and smell the roses. but look at the alternative. my work makes a difference, i have very close relationships with amazing people, i accomplish crazy things, and everything is new.
next time i make an entry, most likely will be after the 40! entering this chapter with wide eyes and an open heart.

things that fit

I collect things that make sense. I connect with it for whatever reason. Then I do nothing with it. I'll keep them here.

Quotes from heroes that passed, or unknown nobodies. When it feels like me, I'll put it here.

Brilliance is everywhere. The universe is always reaching out to tell you something. Sometimes we listen then quickly forget the lesson.

Pay attention. Learn from everything.



Keep the messages in your pocket and refer to them when the situation calls.

US VS THEM

it is no secret that i am a bed wetting liberal. some have accused me as being a socialist. i take no offense. i lace my boots up everyday and fight for this country. it is a privledge and an honor to do so. i respect most views as long as they are educated, not based on propaganda or underlying hatred, racism, homophobia, or sexism.

i believe as an american, in the greatest country in the world, we all should have basic rights, be educated, and healthy. we all should be able to earn a living wage, where we can adequately support our families, seek medical attention, go to college if we so choose, make decisions concerning our bodies, marry whoever we want, and live the american dream. why is that so wrong?

this election, and i suppose every election, divides us. US VS THEM.

i find it so hard to believe that people can think so differently. that we breathe the same air. live in the same neighborhoods. see the same wrongs. struggle the same hardships. but have very different solutions. there is straight up anger that comes from the right, directed to the left. enemies on the same team? the same america? what am i missing?

the day in 2008, when president obama was elected, changed the world. whether you love or hate him, life as we know it, would never be the same. the people, those without a voice in the past elections, made this change. 80% of obama's funds came from donations of $5 or less. do you know how significant that is? no big business, not the 1%, we did it. the little people. and that pisses the previous "powers that be" off to no end. we aren't supposed to be heard. better that we are forgotten. what can we do for them anyway but be their worker bees to generate their very hefty incomes? break our backs and often go to bed hungry while their great grandchildren live comfortably for the rest of their lives.

obama was handed a shit show that was generating way before the mess of the bush administration. what does the right expect? he cant perform miracles. i do agree obama needed to be tougher. his way goes like the ways of linden b johnson. an "honest broker" that took no shit and bullied people into submission. obama has been too nice. no matter what he proposes, it was and will be shot down by the good ol boys. and this has nothing to do with policy or procedure. this is strictly the right not excepting the idea of an non-white commander that was actually put into office by the people.

being a soldier, i have to respect the president. whomever that turns out to be. but god help us all if that turns out to be mitt. i have a million reasons why that would be devestating. too many to list. too many to wrap my pea brain around. i love this country. this outcome is the worst outcome for america.

what i find more and more as i grow older, is that i have nothing in common with the right. i have ended friendships and lost respect for superiors with their views. after i find out just how differently our brains work, i realize life is too short to waste time with people who make no sense. how can we build a relationship when we look through different eyes? i do my best to understand, but i just cant. i always thought i had an open mind. i thought of myself as nonjudgemental and excepting. that is not true.

the right comes from a place filled with hatred. blaming the victims. they do not believe in helping their fellow man. but want in our vaginas and personal lives. they sit idlely by while our jobs go anywhere but here and walmart takes over the world. the left lay down while the right shits all over them. occupy wall street/america? in theory was good. but did nothing. they laugh at us. silly little hippies.

tomorrow we'll see where our future is going. im scared. a sleepless night for me.

vote. protest. boycott. write. speak. help. lead by example. do your part. and for gods sake, dont go to walmart. if you do, you are part of the problem. google it. theyre the most evil entity on earth. you go to save pennies? you are costing yourself so much more.

what makes me the craziest are those republicans who are under paid, unemployed, under educated, no health insurance, no savings, no retirement fund, living in poverty, and no hope of ever rising up. you are setting up generations for the same circumstances.

they dont know us. most have never met someone like us. they dont know we exist. those who do, believe we put ourselves in dire straights. they dont care if we have a roof over our heads or food on the table. they want to force us to have babies we cant afford no matter how those pregnancies came to be, but they wont lift a finger to help you with that child. they wont let same sexes marry, but they can marry as many times as they want. they hate the liberals, but the liberals are the ones to pick up the pieces and extend the hand. not just a large donation that really is just a tax right off. liberals get in the trenches, get their hands dirty, sacrifice and fight for your better life.

who will you turn to when youre down and out? not your govt. they want you to disappear.