jumping the pond

one of my oldest friends is leaving and moving to england. wtf!!!! crazier than me joining the army. so much more badass too. she has always walked to a beat of a different drummer. like me, she didnt fit in. lots of friends but different. different in a great way. i can speak from experience, it can be lonely. no one can understand you if you can't understand yourself. 40 years old. never married. no kids. she has done all she can here. time for a big change. just moving. no plan. no job. staying in a hotel for a week and writing the story as she goes. badass. much respect.

the 3 of us have kept in touch since high school. all weirdos living lives separate. living in different places, working all kinds of gigs, creativity stifled most times, weeded out the bullshit and only do the positive. i cannot wait to follow her new life. denise and i have already planned to visit in august. my first trip to europe to see philly. xoxo

watch your 6

omg. i cant believe i didnt share immediately. i know those of you who read this shit, prefer that i be pissed. when im angry? im funny. this i know. ive always known.

i can tell by the hits on this blog, that people who read it? love when i hate something. thats when i get the most hits. except for the "club espo". people google that like nobody's biz. 2009 i wrote that. it still gets the most traffic. and so... here comes the angry...

so, i have "liked", on FB, every yoga studio in the Philly area. i need to know what is going on every where, in case i get a free hour or so.

so here i am, a month or 2 ago, and see that the "clown" is now teaching yoga on the outskirts of P town.

is it xmas? or just desserts? i cant answer that yet. but trust, when i can, i will.

sooooooo... anyhooooooo. he lied about his certifications. he cant teach with his credentials.its so easy to blow up his spot.

2- hes acting as a yoga superstar when he is creepy guy. yogi creepy mccreeperson. "i am now authorized to adjust you". maybe these "cool kids" will accept you? haha.

3- the best for me? im tracking him. i know where he is. not just at this studio, but another stupid main line spot. watch your 6. watch your 6.

4- remember i mentioned your "shining moment"? so close i can bite its face.

5- my ex you hate? has class cards at that place. hes also banged almost every "teacher" there. he told me himself as he made his way thru the staff.
6- i run with the yoga "elite" at times. they will hear my side.
7- youre still horribly ugly. inside and out. you will never be accepted.
8- fuck you.
9- again, watch yur 6.
10- LA no longer aknowledges you. you went from"im a producer" to "i teach free classes. please legitimize me".

watch you 6.
watch you 6.
watch you 6.

SGT Kelly the date is wrong. 04/2013 originally written

finally. im a member of the non comission officers. NCO back bone of the army. i made it to the promotion list 6 months ago. my date of rank is 01 feb. back pay for 2 months, not 6. it is what it is. so, sgt kelly is in the house.

speaking of house...

i live with the boo now. only day 10. it is an adjustment to say the least. i havent had a day off since i moved in. still 2 more days until i actually wake up here and dont have to rush out the door. i hope this works. we love each other a whole lot, but sometimes life and outside influences fuck shit up. stress is high around here. working too much, unforeseen happenings presented their ugly heads, the boo has an injury that is killing him. we just want to stop the hamster wheel. i keep wanting to smell the roses. i cant slow down.

the dessert

tomorrow morning i leave for the dessert. middle of nowhere CA. no cell service, no fb. 90-100 degrees by day, 30 degrees at night. this is not a trip im looking forward too. sleeping in large tents on cots. no privacy, no rest. bullshit army training. i just have to grab my crayons, shut up, and color. sometimes, like any job, work just sucks.

the Boo says he can already hear me complaining. truer words have never been spoken. i am burnt out. april looks a little more chill, but my summer is fucked. starting on mothers day, im almost everywhere but home. going on one full year of active army. more active than army. i dont need a nap, i need a coma.

4 day weekends happen, but sometimes a weekend doesnt happen at all. like this weekend. i took off today just for sanity's sake. and i took the Boo away for the weekend. early birthday celebrtion. i wont be here for his actual birthday. i knew i would need some recovery. its still not enough. i will not get a decent break until the second half of august. uuuggggghhhhhhh.

oh well, during this year, i got out of debt, fixed my credit, earned 100% tuition plus pay, ran a 10 miler, training for a half marathon, became eligible for VA mortgage/loan, about to buy a grown up car, and looking at a vaca home in the mountains. moving in with the boo. crazy, scary, anxiety about this. i love him so much, but i have always needed my space. i am not home much. got a storage unit for my things. most of my shit is not kid friendly. i would like to keep it forever. the very worst that can happen? it doesnt work out, i saved money, he had it easier finacially and with sharing responsibilities, my shit stays intact, i help change this place, raising the property value and erasing the xmas past. we drive on. or the best case? he and i combine our brains, brawn, finances and become very comfortable in a short amount of time so we dont have to work this hard for much longer. either way?

more glitter

$15 dress. Comped Tickets for Jenny being "Media". Much fun. We talked to no one. We danced, drank, laughed and went back to real life. It's these moments. The break from the everyday normal shit. A chance to play dress up. Like Holloween. A rare girlie day.

captain obvious

i can't stand when people take time to lecture you on shit you already know. shit everybody already knows. like smoking. i'm a non smoker for over 3 months now, but countless times, some rocket scientist would explain to me how bad smoking is for your health. really???? who told you this? what do you mean it causes cancer? was there a study done? i never knew that inhaling smoke into my lungs and kicking it back into the atmosphere, could possibly be wrong! holy crap!!! let me stop this right now! thank you so much kind sir for saving my life!!! SHUT UP DICK!!!!

or the fitness/diet guy. "well, if you cut out the doughnuts, pasta, and cheese, and work out, with lots of cardio, you'll hit your target weight". oh my god dude! you should write a book or something!!! all this time, i thought shoving my face with bon bons, while watching jerry springer,i would eventually become a size 2. i had no idea it was calories in, calories out. Mean while, this is the dude drinking sugar free red bull, chain smoking and doing blow. but he's got a 6 pack, so he must be healthy.

just a quick rant.

cross road

i have to make tough decisions. right now. fight or flight. ying and yang. up is down. black is white. sleep is needed. but i dont know how. being a grown up sucks. i remember wanting to be grown so bad. i actually thought it would be so much fun. its very little fun, with lots of hard work, stress, and not-so-fun decisions. i want the days where midnight was magic and gremlins were real. when i didnt know the feeling of seeing the check engine light on in my car or hearing the sounds of gunshots steps from my door. when love was easy and fixed all things. fairy tales had potential of being a reality. sucks knowing fairy tales are total bullshit. there is no happily ever after. never was. such a buzz kill.

i thought going one way was the right thing to do. its not. but i started the wheels in motion with that decision. i have to stop those wheels. put them on pause. but they picked up some momentum and im using all my strength to pull back on the breaks. it may be too late. i may not be strong enough. i fucked up. "if happy ever after did exist"...

it feels like i swallowed glass. lying here in my urban sanktuary, no lights but the glow of my laptop. my head spinning but nothing remotely resembling a solution swirling in there. i am missing cigarettes and weed. 2 friends that got me through some tough times and helped me clear my head or at least helped me forget about shit for a minute. not having any vices sucks too. just me. my half functioning brain and my hurting heart. bad combination for making life decisions. bad combination for walking and chewing gum.