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Saturday, December 29, 2012

coming back around

so, i had a breakdown? it happens. im still not all sunshine and unicorns, but my heart doesnt hurt anymore. it snowed today. i was on my way out the door to a yoga class that i desperately needed, and after seeing the snow, decided against it. i hate the snow. class was on the other side of town where parking is tricky. i could possibly have to walk several blocks. normally not a problem. with snow? my own personal nightmare. why do i live in a cold climate?






I have mentioned before that i am a happy girl in flip flops. nothing bothers me when the sun is shining. now, the smallest things set me off. ive been a little dramatic. for a brief time i was focusing on the negative. that stops right now.

im still bummed about nye. but oh well. we had nye last year. she can have this one. shit, she can have every one of them. who cares? it means nothing when i have so much. i should just be grateful for everything and stop being a sad pussy.

all the things i wrote about yesterday still stand. all those things were fucking with my psyche. but what was the real problem, was all my problem. i was jealous. so not like me. i have talked it out, and admitted it. im jealous.

its so stupid and i shouldnt want any one's life or wish for what they have. but my boo's ex isnt doing anything wrong by having nye. or by not working, or by having a bf who doesnt work. thats her life. thats what works for her. i shouldnt judge it or have an opinion. and as much as i wish i had more time to relax and enjoy my life and the people in it, i wouldnt trade it for anything. im sending my apologies out into the universe. shes not an embarrassment. i am. a wreck for 2 days when there are real problems and tragedies in the world.

its not her fault she has it easier than most. i should be happy for her. i wouldnt wish my struggles on anyone. and besides, i dont walk in her shoes. even tho she is super lucky, she may not know it. lucky her who has never really had hardship. i hope she lives 10 lifetimes without ever experiencing it. even knowing what its like. no ones life is perfect. never said hers was. but not ever knowing what it is like to worry about keeping a roof over you and your kids heads and food on the table is a HUGE blessing. and that is why i had such a hard time with everything. all responsibility has always been on me. its constant anxiety. forces you to keep moving, earning, learning, lose sleep, miss events, hide from bill collectors, and do things you hate just to get by. if you take that out of the equation? bliss.

so, im just jealous. i wish i had it easier. then and now. but i cant begrudge those that do. if the grass seems greener? ill just work on my lawn.

i wish the boo's ex a lifetime of happiness. she seems very happy with the man she is with. i met him and i cant say a bad word. i know when they were married, they were terribly unhappy. neither are bad people. just changed. it happens all the time. both are much happier now. life is short and everyone should live the life they want. i am forever grateful to her. if she didnt leave him, he would of had no reason to hang out. we wouldnt of started this. the happier she is, the happier the kids are, then in turn, the happier the boo is. i'm the asshole. its a reoccurring theme.

everyone has a bad day. everyone gets a little crazy. everyone can be an asshole. no one is perfect. i'm sorry again.

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