21 Feb

Stuck in on a Saturday. Freezing and snowing makes it undersirable to venture out, I made it to yoga this morning. Was supposed to run a couple miles and run errands and I didn't. I'm avoiding something I HAVE to do that is super unpleasant. Too unpleasant to address at this time. Opened a bottle of wine and I guess this will be how I spend my day. The clock is ticking on my deployment. It will be here before I know it and no matter how prepared I am, I'll not be prepared at all. I am looking forward to only worrying about surviving. Keeping my head down. Cut off from my norm. AF is a mental vaca for me. Life here will go on. My life will stand still. When I get back, I won't know where to turn. I will just have to walk off into the sun. I just need to heal and I'm not getting that opportunity here. I am such a different animal now. Need to learn who I will be. How to adjust to a life that is completely foreign to the life I've always known. Maybe I won't make it back. I am so cool with that possibility too. No more worries. No more anything except a legacy as a war hero. I'll take it. People will only say nice things after I'm gone. People who wouldn't lift a finger to show a resemblance of caring. People who I didn't like, will speak of all the good times we've had. Every asshole who abused me or stabbed me in the back will feel redemption by attending my final good byes. Fuck everybody. That should be on my tombstone. Except I've already made my arrangements. No tombstone. No anything. Maybe a funeral program with my middle finger. Appropriate. I love a handful of people. So much my heart could burst. There will be no doubt in their mind that I loved them. I know they loved me too. There will be no need to prove anything and those few will see right through any bullshit. 

Crazy, I'm speaking as if I won't come back? Oh well. One can hope. 

Then there is that moment...

When your ex does a total douchebag thing. On Facebook. Disrespecting you. Making him look like a complete dick. In front of all your friends. So glad I took the risk of being with a someone I trusted. Lesson learned. There is no such thing as loyalty. Fuck this.