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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

selfish bitch


i know i have gone on rants about this before and retracted what i wrote out of guilt, but this time it stands. you are a fucking, pathetic, excuse for a mother. how do you justify seeing your kids 4-5 days a month. disgusting pig.


i am so embarrassed for you. i feel horrible for the 3 kids you crapped out and decided your free time is more valuable then actually raising them. how do you justify it< dont your friends ask about them< how do you look at yourself in the mirror<

how dare you take the time to show your face to drop off cupcakes for your boys bday< gross. did your boyfriend give you an extra special strong dickin' that night< because my sex life has been non existent because you never have your kids. bitch.

my gloves are off. finally out of this dump that used to be yours. away from your offspring. i want to punch you 10 xs in the face. and i just might. i have nothing to lose. my life here will soon be a distant memory, but this feeling of hatred i have for you will stay. you should be ashamed of your whore self. fuck you.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

8 days until "home"





8 more days until i am "home". my home. with my things. in my bed. i swear this has been the longest month of my life. today it hurts more than usual. i don't know why. it comes in waves. sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, and moments of compassion. today it is all sadness. tears are right there. ready to fall with any pull of the trigger. i am fragile. why does everything have to end>

every relationship starts off great. if it didn't it wouldnt become a relationship. well, in my world anyway. this one was so different. i had been even more happy than i ever remembered. now im the saddest i can ever remember.

when my ex husband and i broke up, i was devastated. no one gets married planning on getting a divorce. divorce is evil. turns good people bad. the beautiful, ugly. i lost 30 lbs and lost my mind along the way. it took me years to build back up to something i could be proud of. years. many mistakes. self medicating. destructive behavior. then i turned a corner. i only want to be great. i need to love myself so i can give love back. i did. everyday i saw as an opportunity to kick ass. it was spring and summer at all times in my head. i walked to a beat of a different drummer. bounced to imagined funky bass. kick in my step that told people i was having a good time. people noticed. i had a gravitational pull.

one thing i always new about my ex husband and my relationship was we did not fit. it never felt natural. we were from different planets. we had a connection that was very real at the time. looking back, i should have known. it still fucked me up. i disappeared from everyone who knew me and started over. like i said, it took years, but i found my place in the world. with people i love. eliminated those who didn't serve me. which was a large number of hangers on. fly by night nobodies. popularity with no substance. i turned off the chaos, and looked inside. i reinvented myself. but i didnt change me. just my course and actions. and the world became my oyster.

men were not a focus. i always had them. filled in the gaps, and saved me from boredom. i know theyre there now, but i cant even imagine being with anyone. today it hurts. bad. my chest feels like its going to crack. 8 days until i'm "home".

i have been isolated in this house full of people. never so uncomfortable in my life. just me, my iphone, my laptop, and the tv. i went on a dating website just to see what was out there. occupy the time. my profile lasted a day and a half. i got 75 messages, 400+ people checking in on my shit, 200 people "liked" me, and i saw at least 10 people i already knew. one being my cousins recent ex husband of 20 yrs, a man i dated already when i lived in cc, friends from the neighborhood and a boy i used to work with. these were the people who visited my page. uuugggghhhhh. gross. curiosity over.

even if there was a catch out there, i dont want to know him. i have to be a catch first. i have to love me again. i dont even know who i am. what i want. where ill be. i just want the pain to stop. i cant fall apart like i did 10 yrs ago when the ex husband and i split. at the very least, i learned what not to do. this time i will throw myself into positive activities. hopefully, when i realize the hurt is gone, i will have a few accomplishments under my belt. right now i just have to get through these next 8 days.

i wish he knew how im feeling. or i wish he felt what i do. i wish this year was a bad dream and we could wake up and be awesome again. i wish i didnt remember the great times so i could walk away with ease. i wish for a lot. i wish for peace in my heart, a clear head, the motivation to get up, and a happy ending.

instead it is an ending with no happiness. nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

"everything is everything

what will be will be"... Lauren Hill


going through a break up is something i should be used to by now. I have broken up with everyone. I always know there will be an end. Nothing good lasts. Why is this one fucking me up more than others<

It was the best relationship I ever had. WAS. It was a great almost 2 yrs. Then it became work. Less fun. More misery. Hurt feelings that never repaired. Punished for sins of the past. Insanity at it's finest. I spent most of this last year not knowing what he was talking about. Defending myself. Saying "That's not what happened" more than I care to remember. Somewhere along the line, I was no longer his best friend. Love of his life. I was the bitch. The wife. He anticipated conflict where there was none. We were so happy. Talked about it often. I had even suggested counseling when times were great, just to keep them great. What happened>


I really didn't ask for much. Just be nice to me. I realize I'm a handful. I am by far easy. He knew this going in. Somewhere along the line, he turned a corner. I had to be punished. Made me hurt. Things that can never be taken back. Suspicions that have no foundation. Not the jealousy kind. The kind that believed I wanted to "win". Get over on him. Change him. Cause him some kind of pain or hardship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stayed consistent. I gave and gave until it was expected. He stopped doing anything that involved making me feel happy or welcome. I was a guest in his life, after I gave up what I knew for him. Isolated from my people. No classes, no yoga, no happy hours. I was just existing waiting for him to be nice.


It hurt so much more coming from him. I've been beat up and put down by every dude I've ever been with. Which is why I was happily single for all that time. When I was single, I was learning, growing, and doing all the time. Even during out first 2 yrs, I traveled or was engaged in other things. Moving in was the dumbest thing. But to be honest, it had already started to get bad when I moved in. I should have kept him at arms length. Then this wouldn't hurt so bad. I am broken. Again. I will never trust anyone. That was the last chance for me. I took a leap of faith with a dude who had all the things I didn't want. Kids. Blue collar gig, living in my old hood, and horrible Philly accent. I couldn't get enough of him. He got too comfortable. Not only stopped trying, he wanted to prove that I am disposable. Like every single person who told me they "loved" me.


I have no interest at this point in dating or men in general. I am living in a ridiculously pimp pad in 15 days. Taking some spring\summer classes. Yoga all the time. Gym in my building, so 2 a days is a given. Going back to seeing plays and reading books. I'm not worried at all about being "alone". I welcome it, because I have never been so alone in my life. It is gonna take a while for the pain to stop. I will fake it until I make it. Every things gone be alright.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

tick tock



i have a pattern. i stay way too long in something that does not suit me anymore. maybe i think that its just a rough patch, it will turn around. or maybe i just get so wrapped up in chaos, my brain doesnt function correctly. that seems to make more sense to me.

i freeze. shut down and try to wait for the storm to pass. sometimes it doesnt pass. being caught in the eye of the storm is a permanent situation. eventually, ill un-freeze. put on my rain gear and fancy rain boots and get to where the sun shines. somewhere, the sun is shining. this is truth.

i went back to work yesterday after almost 2 weeks off. work is very stressful. lots of responsibility and bull shit. i counted the minutes until my HOLLAday vaca. other than New Years Eve and New Years Day, my time off sucked. i work too hard to waste any minute of free time not being a happy, productive, learning, growing, bad ass biotch. that is what i do. and grass has grown under my feet. shame on me. that time i can not recover. i can never say never, but i will say lesson learned. no more worrying about anyone else. get me back to where i need to be. crushing skulls and making history.

i cannot wait until 01 FEB. connecting with my friends and my life again, high atop the city. looking out to new possibilities and old comfy feelings. meeting interesting, new, people in uncharted territory. steps away from old stomping grounds, but surrounded by unknown. whatever the universe holds for me, i am so ready to get at it. i wish i could blink my eyes and it be the day.

the "new crib" party planned, complete with DJ, cocktail menu, and guest list. i will make it an early evening shin dig so not to piss off my new neighbors and possible new BFFs! tick tock tick tock... almost party time.