S.A.D.

seasonal affective disorder. it is real. we passed 22 December. each day a little longer than the day before. all the way until june. spring is "new beginnings". im a little tired of new beginnings.

we are a couple days away from 2014. yay. i want to be optimistic like i was last year. cloud nine walking into 2013. everything was right. what a difference a year makes. starting over yet again.

moving to a part of the city i never lived. it seems appropriate. big mistake entering this domestic partnership. BIG. HUGE mistake. isolated in the hood i left a million years ago. love turned to hostility. friendship out the window. we are not meant to live as grown ups. i need my space and he has changed.

all of a sudden, the hand holding stopped, quick to get angry, anticipates a problem, fights against me, expects the worse, speaks with hatred in his voice, justified for every nasty interaction, and apologies will never come. why am i so stupid>

stuck here for another month. silent treatment. kids are here almost everyday now. it was never discussed with me. not that i would protest, but sleeping alone every night and no time together should have been presented to me. this is my life too. the mom is less and less involved. i def didnt sign up for this. new apt here i come.

so, it is a sick pad. high rise, pools, gym, sun decks, running trails, common areas, dope views from balconies, lots and lots of closet space. woot!!! i will drown my sorrows in the hot tub or sauna. i have a feeling everythings gonna be alright. trolling furniture stores and vintage spots to make the place even sweeter. my art alone is enough, but could always use some animal prints and a funky bass sound system. that never hurt no one!

i took a turn today. back in the gym, got a fake bake on, a mango smoothie, shopped for new crib. at the very least, i accomplished something today. i need yoga in my life. its nonexistent in this part of town. my new hood offers a whole lot more in everything i love. and the boy will be my ROOM MATE. paying rent and supporting himself. we'll see how that works out.

i have to flip the script. get happy again. happy or miserable, they say its a choice. im not 100% sure that is accurate. hard to choose happiness when youre stuck in bull shit. stuck, as in can not get out. treading water until freedom rings! this is going to be the longest month of my life. happy mutha fucking new year. 2014... you better get right.

hurt

hurt physically, mentally emotionally.

did the army 10 miler again. this time with a sprained ankle. bad idea. i did way more damage. ego is a powerful thing. i had to do it. if i didnt, i would have to explain myself forever. now, i limp. was given a very uncool cane to walk with. stuck in my body, when i have energy that has to get out. depression is sinking in.

mentally exhausted. too much thinking. all the time. work load. baby boy. next move. how to swing it. where to go. what to do. need a break. days are short. weather cold. what happened to summer? it skipped us. work, work, work. good times few and far between. love of my life? gone.

there is no such thing as happily ever after. everything is fake. very real feelings. happiness a distant memory. i thought this was it. comfort and butterflies. respect. goosebumps. understanding. everything i wanted without knowing it. didn't look for it. found me and fucked me up. made me believe that this "love" thing was a possibility. its not. not in my world. destined to be alone. unlovable. disposable me.

reinvent. bounce. stop hurting. pick myself up. eat again. breathe. overcome like any other time life kicked my ass. i didnt expect to hurt. i thought i had none left. i should be happy i feel.

cant sleep

2 more days and ill be on my way back to philly. ft knox was cool. a crazy storm is going on right now. im not gonna lie, but im a lil scared. the thunder is so loud its shaking the building. lightening is so close, it completely lights up my room. random things going around in my head. too many thoughts for one person to handle. none of them connect to another. some of these thoughts:

gay marriage!!!!! woo hoo! everybody deserves the same rights!!! then i think of all the cool, fab, gay weddings i will be attending in the future. what to wear? what to wear?

NFL player, Hernandez, goes to jail for murder. WTF!!! NFL players are the dumbest criminals on earth. so stupid. 900 witnesses. he dumped the body like a block away from his house. before he killed him, he bitched about him to people. fucking genius.

Crazy Texas tryin to make abortion even harder to get. some bad ass peeps and one lil lady foiled that plan. for now anyway.

i cant stop thinking about how much punishment i will get at work for being gone 2 weeks with a training and taking 3 days of leave when i get back. my one boss is a maniacal simpleton. he is very stupid, but evil. i guess its better than being evil and brilliant. he contributes nothing. he is a scammer. a gypsy. conned his way into this position like 100 before this one. and we have been stuck with his moron ass. his only power, is to ruin my day. sooooooo, my 1st day back should be a blast. even tho that is a week and a half away? i have mad anxiety. i cant shake it. but i have been working non stop for 14 months. i have had 4 days off since memorial day and ive been gone a lot. my personal life is suffering. i need tan feet and sandy seat. "gone surfing". do not disturb.

louisville is a dope town. i am a big fan. i could totally live here. the downtown, is swank with lots of museums, restaurants, riverfront, and fun. and check it. apartments are about $400-500!!!! what? no joke. i thought the waiter was lying to me,so i went on craigslist. he speaks the truth. i saw some cool shit. i want to see lots more. is it weird to vaca in louisville? im gonna do it. or maybe ill get a gig at ft knox. never know. i went to the Muhammad Ali museum (some others too) and today I won in an auction, on line, a poster size black n white photo of him. Fate. Dont know what im going to do with it. but eventually, it will find its place.

i cant stop looking at real estate. i have to buy something. i just dont know where. so ill look in philly, at the beach, up the mountains, in louisville, even in the suburbs. i cant stop, but i have no direction.

i have 2 more tests tomorrow. graduate friday. another accomplishment. my classmates are nice, but no one ill stay in touch with. normally when i go on a training, i always make a new bestie. not this time. i have gone to my room after class every day and surfed the web. not one fun person. no one is a dick, i certainly dont hate anyone. but i will forget them the second i leave.

i havent run in forever. im getting fatter by the second. this week of vaca coming up? all active all the time. i feel like a shit. i have no excuse. there is a full gym across the street. i just cant seem to get there. running, surfing, drunk-arexia. paradise.

storms over. i need to sleep.

I cant ever listen to "no"

I did a half marathon. told i could never run distance after an injury. not true. did it. boooooooom. my time was 2:12. not great. 10 min mile. came in 663 out of 1100+. i dont care about the time. i did it.
i was told "no" i couldnt be promoted even tho i more than earned it. army is over strength ed. no room for advancement. bullshit. dont tell me "no". i got my stripes after being a squeaky wheel. i will put in for my next promotion in Oct. you can try to tell me "no", but it wont work.
i have much bigger challenges now. challenges i will not speak of until there has been resolution. but "no" is not something that will stop me. i will fuck up some "no".

unrelated topic... nice yoga class no one wants to go to. I see on FB, the studio is almost begging people to take your class. they wont. youre creepy.

baby boy does the 21

What an amazing time celebrating Baby's 21st!!!!! Adventure courses, weapons range, spa treatments, steak house and a resort in the mountains. Having an adult child is the greatest thing. I love the relationship he has with the Boo too. Theyve always known each other. They have gotten really close recently. I love how they look at each other. Smiles. It melts my heart. They hang out without me. The 3 of us are friends. When we are going places, the question is "is the boy going"?

Next weekend he is coming with us to Maryland. I will be running my 1st half marathon in 8 years. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I don't really care. I'm not putting pressure on myself. Ill finish. Might not be running, but I'll finish. More excited about the trip. 30 soldiers doing it with me. I talked them into it.These 30 people are going to be so proud of themselves. Party in this small town on the water afterwards. Im gonna party for the 1st time with Army peeps. The best part is my fav Army friend who is coming from Ft Drum, just so we can hang together. I miss her. I cannot wait!!!!! Fuck the running part.

broad street run and whatnot

another thing off the bucket list!!! i finally ran the broad street run. 10 miles straight thru my city. 13 of us did it together. for some it was their first race ever. for a couple people, it was the first time they ever ran 10 miles! for one, a 54 yr old Master Sergeant, it was his 1st race and his first 10 miler. how about that???? amazing. it motivates me. he will also be doing the half marathon with us 11 days from now. doin the damn thing at 54. hard core bragging rights. luvs it.

i like the pains i have the day after. not the actual hurt, but the evidence of accomplishments. i accomplished more this weekend than most people do all month. i qualified with 2 weapons. most soldiers with my rank do not get that opportunity. it looks amazing on my military bio. M9 and M16 qualified! woo hoo! i was so nervous. if it was up to me, i would skip this part of training. but were soldiers. have to qualify or have a flag. no one wants a flag!!!! i am now considered "Special Staff". M9s are for officers. Me, having the greatest boss in the JAG office, who is also an expert marksman, walked me thru it and boom, qualified. i love that man. my army big brother. my protection. he's leaving me in a couple months. my life will get much harder without him in my corner. my entire army career up until now, he has been with me. he makes shit happen. keeps anyone from fucking with me, and introduces me to people who can help me get places. he pinned me at my promotion ceremony. an officer pinning enlisted is unheard of. in the normal order, he would not be in my chain of command. but there has been no one on the enlisted side who has done more for me than this man. it has been just the 2 of us for the last 2 1/2 years in the JAG office. we are the JAG for the command. me, the only paralegal in the Brigade, and he the only lawyer. It has been pretty badass. i was afforded the same privledges as him because he saw to it. it was also his first race, the Broad Street Run. also his first time in Philly. he said he ran the entire thing with a plastered smile on his face. he loved every minute of it. he thanked ME for talking him into doing it. he is still riding the high of the race and doing something cool. he'll do it again in 11 days with the rest of us. i cant wait. that is him and i in the pic. cheesin before the race started.

so much of life is a challenge. some challenges are by choice. like running a long distance. it was painful, but it was a choice. today when i saw that 54 yr old MSG, he was walking funny but smiling. his wife of 30 years and his kids had a cake and a small party waiting for him when he got home. the look on his face was priceless. did i mention he finished only a minute and a half after me? again, badass.

i am the unofficial/official, wether i like it or not, organizer of these things. i apparently motivate people into doing things they never thought of. in my past life, i probably motivated people to do things, but maybe not things they would be proud of. now, a lot of my time is spent rallying groups to venture out and kick some ass. after this half marathon? i need to find another event. one not just for runners, but a feel good, team building, bonding, bragging rights, kinda thing. maybe a big fund raiser for Wounded Warriors or Yellow Ribbon? Maybe climb a mountain, white water rafting. something cool where we can find the strength in our Battle Buddies in times where strength is something were lacking in that moment. an experience or memory of the extraordinary. i have 11 days before i have to start planning the next thing. one finish line at a time!!!!

jumping the pond

one of my oldest friends is leaving and moving to england. wtf!!!! crazier than me joining the army. so much more badass too. she has always walked to a beat of a different drummer. like me, she didnt fit in. lots of friends but different. different in a great way. i can speak from experience, it can be lonely. no one can understand you if you can't understand yourself. 40 years old. never married. no kids. she has done all she can here. time for a big change. just moving. no plan. no job. staying in a hotel for a week and writing the story as she goes. badass. much respect.

the 3 of us have kept in touch since high school. all weirdos living lives separate. living in different places, working all kinds of gigs, creativity stifled most times, weeded out the bullshit and only do the positive. i cannot wait to follow her new life. denise and i have already planned to visit in august. my first trip to europe to see philly. xoxo

watch your 6

omg. i cant believe i didnt share immediately. i know those of you who read this shit, prefer that i be pissed. when im angry? im funny. this i know. ive always known.

i can tell by the hits on this blog, that people who read it? love when i hate something. thats when i get the most hits. except for the "club espo". people google that like nobody's biz. 2009 i wrote that. it still gets the most traffic. and so... here comes the angry...

so, i have "liked", on FB, every yoga studio in the Philly area. i need to know what is going on every where, in case i get a free hour or so.

so here i am, a month or 2 ago, and see that the "clown" is now teaching yoga on the outskirts of P town.

is it xmas? or just desserts? i cant answer that yet. but trust, when i can, i will.

sooooooo... anyhooooooo. he lied about his certifications. he cant teach with his credentials.its so easy to blow up his spot.

2- hes acting as a yoga superstar when he is creepy guy. yogi creepy mccreeperson. "i am now authorized to adjust you". maybe these "cool kids" will accept you? haha.

3- the best for me? im tracking him. i know where he is. not just at this studio, but another stupid main line spot. watch your 6. watch your 6.

4- remember i mentioned your "shining moment"? so close i can bite its face.

5- my ex you hate? has class cards at that place. hes also banged almost every "teacher" there. he told me himself as he made his way thru the staff.
6- i run with the yoga "elite" at times. they will hear my side.
7- youre still horribly ugly. inside and out. you will never be accepted.
8- fuck you.
9- again, watch yur 6.
10- LA no longer aknowledges you. you went from"im a producer" to "i teach free classes. please legitimize me".

watch you 6.
watch you 6.
watch you 6.

SGT Kelly the date is wrong. 04/2013 originally written

finally. im a member of the non comission officers. NCO back bone of the army. i made it to the promotion list 6 months ago. my date of rank is 01 feb. back pay for 2 months, not 6. it is what it is. so, sgt kelly is in the house.

speaking of house...

i live with the boo now. only day 10. it is an adjustment to say the least. i havent had a day off since i moved in. still 2 more days until i actually wake up here and dont have to rush out the door. i hope this works. we love each other a whole lot, but sometimes life and outside influences fuck shit up. stress is high around here. working too much, unforeseen happenings presented their ugly heads, the boo has an injury that is killing him. we just want to stop the hamster wheel. i keep wanting to smell the roses. i cant slow down.

the dessert

tomorrow morning i leave for the dessert. middle of nowhere CA. no cell service, no fb. 90-100 degrees by day, 30 degrees at night. this is not a trip im looking forward too. sleeping in large tents on cots. no privacy, no rest. bullshit army training. i just have to grab my crayons, shut up, and color. sometimes, like any job, work just sucks.

the Boo says he can already hear me complaining. truer words have never been spoken. i am burnt out. april looks a little more chill, but my summer is fucked. starting on mothers day, im almost everywhere but home. going on one full year of active army. more active than army. i dont need a nap, i need a coma.

4 day weekends happen, but sometimes a weekend doesnt happen at all. like this weekend. i took off today just for sanity's sake. and i took the Boo away for the weekend. early birthday celebrtion. i wont be here for his actual birthday. i knew i would need some recovery. its still not enough. i will not get a decent break until the second half of august. uuuggggghhhhhhh.

oh well, during this year, i got out of debt, fixed my credit, earned 100% tuition plus pay, ran a 10 miler, training for a half marathon, became eligible for VA mortgage/loan, about to buy a grown up car, and looking at a vaca home in the mountains. moving in with the boo. crazy, scary, anxiety about this. i love him so much, but i have always needed my space. i am not home much. got a storage unit for my things. most of my shit is not kid friendly. i would like to keep it forever. the very worst that can happen? it doesnt work out, i saved money, he had it easier finacially and with sharing responsibilities, my shit stays intact, i help change this place, raising the property value and erasing the xmas past. we drive on. or the best case? he and i combine our brains, brawn, finances and become very comfortable in a short amount of time so we dont have to work this hard for much longer. either way?

more glitter

$15 dress. Comped Tickets for Jenny being "Media". Much fun. We talked to no one. We danced, drank, laughed and went back to real life. It's these moments. The break from the everyday normal shit. A chance to play dress up. Like Holloween. A rare girlie day.

captain obvious

i can't stand when people take time to lecture you on shit you already know. shit everybody already knows. like smoking. i'm a non smoker for over 3 months now, but countless times, some rocket scientist would explain to me how bad smoking is for your health. really???? who told you this? what do you mean it causes cancer? was there a study done? i never knew that inhaling smoke into my lungs and kicking it back into the atmosphere, could possibly be wrong! holy crap!!! let me stop this right now! thank you so much kind sir for saving my life!!! SHUT UP DICK!!!!

or the fitness/diet guy. "well, if you cut out the doughnuts, pasta, and cheese, and work out, with lots of cardio, you'll hit your target weight". oh my god dude! you should write a book or something!!! all this time, i thought shoving my face with bon bons, while watching jerry springer,i would eventually become a size 2. i had no idea it was calories in, calories out. Mean while, this is the dude drinking sugar free red bull, chain smoking and doing blow. but he's got a 6 pack, so he must be healthy.

just a quick rant.

cross road

i have to make tough decisions. right now. fight or flight. ying and yang. up is down. black is white. sleep is needed. but i dont know how. being a grown up sucks. i remember wanting to be grown so bad. i actually thought it would be so much fun. its very little fun, with lots of hard work, stress, and not-so-fun decisions. i want the days where midnight was magic and gremlins were real. when i didnt know the feeling of seeing the check engine light on in my car or hearing the sounds of gunshots steps from my door. when love was easy and fixed all things. fairy tales had potential of being a reality. sucks knowing fairy tales are total bullshit. there is no happily ever after. never was. such a buzz kill.

i thought going one way was the right thing to do. its not. but i started the wheels in motion with that decision. i have to stop those wheels. put them on pause. but they picked up some momentum and im using all my strength to pull back on the breaks. it may be too late. i may not be strong enough. i fucked up. "if happy ever after did exist"...

it feels like i swallowed glass. lying here in my urban sanktuary, no lights but the glow of my laptop. my head spinning but nothing remotely resembling a solution swirling in there. i am missing cigarettes and weed. 2 friends that got me through some tough times and helped me clear my head or at least helped me forget about shit for a minute. not having any vices sucks too. just me. my half functioning brain and my hurting heart. bad combination for making life decisions. bad combination for walking and chewing gum.

2 weeks at Ft Dix

I am in the middle of a high speed training at ft dix/maguire air force base. the training is very cool. classroom style. starts at 8. ends at 4. the rest of the day is ours. my friend and i are staying on the air force side. now, we always knew the airforce is far more pampered than us, but OMG.

1st, we are not staying in barracks. we are staying in swanky hotel rooms with every amenity. housekeeping everyday to clean up after us and restock our coffee, towels and toiletries. it is like a vacation!

2nd, the gym/wellness center is off the hook. not just the nicest gym on a base ive seen, but the nicest gym ive ever seen. and i have worked in upscale "fitness facilities". smoothie bars, yoga, Pilate's, kettle bell, spinning and other classes offered every day. sauna and steam rooms in the super clean and brand new locker rooms. every possible machine and equipment you could ask for. add on racquetball and basketball courts. this you would never find on the army side. we get gyms, but thats what they are. gyms. i was always grateful for them. now, it will be hard to go back. we have been working out 2xs a day. we have to take some kind of tylenol or motrin to get out of bed, but were here for 2 weeks, might as well get it in.

3rd, the dining facilities. so, we get cafeteria style meals. its the same on the air force side except for a few differences. instead of horrible coffee, there is an espresso/latte machine. any kind of coffee you like. that is pretty sweet. pomegranate/blueberry water. also, fresh fruit, frozen yogurt, any kind of cooked breakfast (same on the army side), but here is the biggest difference. when you finish eating, you are to clear your area, remove trash and place trays and dirty dishes in their proper area. here on the air force side, they clean up after you!!!! it feels wrong. the first day i was walking around with my tray looking for where to put it. i spotted an employee "excuse me. where does this go"? she said "put that tray down ma'am, we get that for you". WWWHHHHAAAAA?

also on base, pools, movie theaters, fun centers, shopping, hair salons, liquor stores (they sell booze in the gas stations too), several places to eat and many other things to do. i never want to leave. i have put about 10 miles on my car since ive been here. spent about $25. for example today, breakfast was under $2. its good livin here. im happy.

back to reality in 5 days. boooooooooooo. i wish every army training was like this. this is by far the coolest training ive done so far. add the relaxing portion with the working out? i feel like a new girl.