Farewell 2017

I can’t say this year was the worst. It was far from it. Good things went on despite the bad. Bad happened. I suppose like always. But a little recap might be good.

I got to work outside of my office on a high profile mission. Kicked ass. Made a name for myself coast to coast with power players. Learned a ton and met a lot of people. Civilians. Locals. Army too. Great experience. You can read about it in the papers.

Baby boy happy, healthy, strong. Hit 2 years. Paying it forward. Being a support and a role model. I couldn’t love him more.

Got promoted to E7/SFC. Act of Congress Bitches.

“Shook” off about 170 lbs of dead weight. Finally. It feels so good. I’m actually smiling while writing this. Just by reading my own shit, he should had been dropped years before. I was in a very dark place. I let it happen. Even after when we tried to be “friends” again, he still couldn’t be the man. Having that toxic, angry, insecure, abusive dickface completely out of my life is fantastic. It was tough. A 30 year relationship is not easy to say goodbye to. I tried to salvage something. But finally realized I really don’t like this person. He hurts me. He likes it. It’s no secret. Even found out 6 months after zero contact, that the whole time, he was trying to bang my gfs. So much so, he had to lbe spoken to about it. How humiliating is that? Him? Cheat on me? In my own back yard? Thanks friend. Way to show your love and respect. Worst human ever. Enough about him. 2018 will be the 1st year he doesn’t exist in my life. Miss the dog so much tho.

I let my guard down a little and showed vulnerability. It didn’t work out in my favor, but no regrets. Nice to know I can. I didn’t think it was possible. I can’t expect people t read my mind. I need to say what I think and feel. Life is short. I have to try to have what I want. If I can’t have it, acknowledge, respect it, learn from it and let it go. There is hope for me yet. I’m softer. Less likely to sweat the small stuff. Enjoy the time I have with people I want to be with and be grateful for the experience.

#jeeplife to #stanglife and on this snowy day, I’m missing #jeeplife.

Living alone in the DMV has done great things for me. My quiet space, close to my hometown. Girly in decore. The greatest bed that makes me happy at the end of the day. Cocktails for 2, great music playing all the time. it feels like a sanctuary. Just mine. Alone. Not lonely.

I learned I can use my voice to change my situation. In the past, I always kept things to myself. Just took it. I don’t do that anymore. I didn’t join the Army to be walked on by shitbag soldiers just because they out rank me. I produce, live the army values, take care of soldiers. I show up in the right uniform at the right time and accomplish my mission. Hooah. Youu? Contribute nothing. To anyone. You only cost the tax payers. All this and try to make my existence tough? Not today. To quote Nene Leaks “you can never win when you’re dirty”. Now leaving with a path of destruction behind you. No worries, I’ll clean up your shit just like always. Don’t let Uncle Sam kick you in the ass on the way out. Deuces.

I have become a troll on twitter and it’s bringing me lots of joy. I cannot divulge my identity. I have to stay anonymous for obvious reasons, but my popularity grows every day. Having an outlet to unleash on idiots has been hella therapeutic for me. Im by far a twitter superstar. But the right people are tracking me. I’ve ”met” a Couple very smart and funny, like minded people. Great side convos and laughs. I actually feel as if I’m doing some good. Hopefully by this time next year, I will have a huge audience and my surley voice can me heard. Only it’s not me, MCK, it’s that hilarious troll dude.

Hero dogs! I volunteer at a place full of dogs being trained for vets. Dream. Come. True. Check them out.

Lost a very good friend. 42. Out of nowhere. The course of events that have taken place since are strange and uncomfortable. I miss him. Our easy times together. He was my safe place to land. I am kinda lost without him. I wear his stuff. I feel his loss in everything I do. If it’s a fun time, I wish he was there. If it’s a sad time, I wish he was there. In every event I’m wishing he was there. I guess that’s probably the definition of loss.

Heroine continues to destroy lives of people around us. My friend since the 1st grade. A fireman, father and husband, lost his battle with addiction a couple weeks ago. Wtf! No one is safe. Devastation. It’s constant. It crushes everyone in its path. Angles In Motion (AIM) is an unofficial organization taking the badlands to task. Power in numbers. They are occupying the streets. Providing help and resources to addicts and making it a little more difficult for dealers. Check them out. Pretty amazing group of people. Being the change.

I feel like a completely different person than in 2016. I was on the uprise. In the shop for repair. It is a slow process. Always be better. But that constant heartache is gone. The 24 hr a day panic is no more. My self esteem is back. I am comfortable in my skin.

So my wish for 2017:

Besides the normal... I want to drop 20 lbs, check a block off the bucket list, whatever we say to ourselves. I want to be the change. Everyday. Did I help? Did I hurt? What did I learn? What did I teach? How did I make it better? I’ll still get the hits. Acknowledge it. Respect it. Learn from it let it go. I can’t control anyone else on how they think, act or behave. I can point it out and make fun of it on twitter. No worries. I only mess with people who spew hatred. They like it.

Being a nice person. Not a carpet. More kind not at all weak. Be the example. But trust and believe, I still shouldn’t be fucked with. Golden rule applies. Treat those as you want to be treated. If for some reason, someone feels the need to treat me like an asshole, they should only EXPECT that same treatment in return. Only I won’t stop until they have to tap out. I’m still a killer.

1 August 2017

I am back to my "real" job today after 9 months working on a special project in crystal city. I do nothing special at my real job. I hate that I have no control. I can't even quit if I want. It is what it is. Hopefully I get promoted so I can beef up my check.

Hitting a groove in the DMV. It's not like I'm not struggling with the anxiety. It seems to be worse, but I am actively taking steps to fix it. I've had enough. It's not normal and I need to figure it out. Quality of life depends on it.

Michael is kicking ass. Doing well. Being a great man. I am so proud, but I still don't sleep. Any news of anyone's struggles and I take it on. I see my shrink in 3 days. I am just going to be honest. Stop hiding that sometimes for no reason at all, I am in full blown panic. It's not fun.

What is fun? I've met some great people in less than a year here. I've been offered opportunities, saw some stuff. Military friends come thru D.C.. random visits from favorite people. I've also learned how to navigate the city/metro all by myself. It gives me confidence that no matter where my next duty station is? I'll own that shit too.

Dating... it's been interesting. Most interesting part? Because everyone comes thru here? It is headquarters for so many different Gov agencies. So, right now I am in the beginning of something with men from Washington state, northern cali, southern cali, Baltimore, westchester Pa, and northern va. No one directly in my back yard. All decent dudes, with very interesting lives and much to offer. I am very clear about what I don't want. Who knows what I do? But I will not be in another position with a vampire. It is now and will be for the remainder of my life, about me. It's either a give and take or it's a no. I am either 1st or nothing. I love my solo life. I really do. Everybody knows it.

I am told by all of them how there is no doubt that I have a wall. No shit! I should. One man said he doesn't mind taking the time to remove one brick at a time. That's sweet. We'll see. I want to be softer. Not needy but appreciative. I want to somehow portray that I would like someone in my life, but I'm not sure I believe it. I literally walk in my place, take off my clothes, and sit around in my underwear. I don't want to change that. Ever. I workout. Watch stupid tv. Lay by the pool. Leave headphones in. I am content.

Love the people in my life. The boy is happy and healthy. I make a difference on the daily. Just this friggin anxiety needs to get under wraps so I can finally enjoy my life, not just exist. It's been a long road. Time to live.

Willabration. #BelikeWill

Tomorrow we say "goodbye" to our friend. He was more than our friend. He was our inspiration. He had no judgement. He loved with no boundaries. He made me feel comfortable in my skin. Around him, I was 10 feet tall, smart and beautiful. He didn't just make me feel that way. Everyone he came in contact with was changed by him. There is no one like him. He was rare. He died at 42, leaving behind the love of his life. 

How does he get through the days without his other half? William's family was not accepting of Will because of his "lifestyle". His unconditional love was not returned by those who should have loved him the most. He just rolled with it. Never being angry. Never standing up. It was like he knew they would never see him. He took what he could get from them. He got that love from us. He was able to leave this earth knowing that not only was he "normal", but he was loved and accepted. That his "lifestyle" was such a small and insignificant part of the artist, friend, therapist, dance partner, goofball, and soulmate. He belonged with us. He was needed by us. He was our breath of fresh air. He taught us many lessons on love and life. I hope he knew the impact he had. 

Tomorrow 100 or so people touched by this sweet man, will get to share their heartache and stories of William. We'll have tributes, wine, balloon release, live performances, readings of his poetry, displays of his artwork, memory jar, food and parting gifts all high atop on a roof with a 360 view of the city we love. As nice as it sounds, it will be terrible. William should be there. He would love this party. It will not be fun without him there. I will spend the whole time wishing he could see this. Some believe that he can see. That's a nice thought. I hope that brings peace to those that need it. 

I needed Will in my life. I don't know what to do in a world without him and his light. Especially now. 2017. Rest in Peace Sweet Prince. If there is an afterlife? Please watch over me.