Pages

Total Pageviews

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Just had to make a list


#Update! 12/11/2016....

I went back! Took more of the same only with more intensity. More Hatred and Anger directed at me. Why did I not know my worth? It took until 06/2016, almost 2 years after this post to finally be done. I was so beat down that I probably was begging for more. I no longer allow anyone to say anything to me that doesn't benefit me. The problem here was he was my best friend. It took it to a whole different level. No one knew me better. No one hurt me more. I wish him well. He needs help. He won't get it. Ever. He will die alone. That makes me sad. He's no longer handsome or charming. He no longer has a hold on me. He no longer holds any weight. It's a shame. I wish things could have been different. We could have been a great team. Impossible with the damage in him and the damage he's caused in me. I own my mistakes. I'm mad at myself for letting it go on for as long as it did. I was hopeful I'd get my friend back. So stupid. All the put downs, humiliation, fights? All that I gave and he took? All the heartache and disappointment? Has brought me to this:

I am worth something! 
I am a mother
Soldier
Educated
Caring
I own real estate
I am traveled
I have people who love me
I accomplish shit
I have a retirement plan
I have 2 places to live
I am respected
I am loyal
I am funny
I am smart
I am a total hottie
And soooooo much more
He was lucky to have me









Reasons we broke up and should stay that way:

1. His wants/needs/problems are bigger than me and mine

2. He says things that hurt me. Makes no apologies

3. He invents problems. Imagines I am someone I'm not, doing things I didn't do. I defend myself

4. He is very angry

5. He can't show me kindness or understanding even if I beg

6. He makes me feel like I deserve abuse

7. He throws me away and makes sure I know I'm worthless and unloved

8. He has told me to kill myself when I was already on the ledge

9. He never made a plan, booked a trip, took me anywhere

10. I paid a lot

11. I went to bed sad often

12. He started talking to me like I was shit in front of other people

13. Xmas I spoiled his kids. He got me and mine crap from 5 and below

14. He abuses me through text. Makes threats. Tries to force me to admit to things I would never do

15. His perception of a situation is so off base and crazy. I would never know what set him off. I would have a wrath to deal with if he imagined I threw the remote at him, or he didn't like my answer

16. He calls me names like "pig" ,"whore", and "cunt"

17. He stopped seeing me as his friend and treated me like an enemy

18. He stopped holding my hand in public

19. He screamed at me often

20. Would NEVER listen. Wether it was verbally, thru text, or email, he would not hear me. He was always right. I was always wrong. I spent too much time saying "that's not what happened"

21. I cried a lot the last few months. Sobbing, broken, cries. It made him meaner

22. He punished me often. Needed me to know that I was an awful person

23. What I needed was never considered. And all I needed was compassion

24. My last birthday, as I was driving in a storm, he screamed at me on the way to meet friends for dinner. I pretended to be fine, then I paid for him too

25. I took him away for an entire week. I planned it. Paid for it. And drove the 10 hours one way. He still managed to ruin it. Started a horrible fight after he went fishing all day ( the only time he paid for anything), on the way to a couples massage I was paying for. Jumped out of the car and left me. Never even said "thank you"

26. After a break for a little, grape flavored vodka showed up in his house. He had many excuses on how it got there. None of which were the truth. I wasn't mad that he had a young piece of white trash over. (No decent woman would drink that swill) it was the last straw in how he handled it. He screamed at me loud enough for all the neighbors to hear, called me names, and discarded me for the last time. That was it. I was finally done. He had made it exactly 3 days before doing everything he said he wouldn't do again. 

27. He yelled at me on Xmas eve in front of my son to "shut the fuck up" because I said "shhhhh" after he was banging stuff and woke us up. Michael and I laid there in the basement, wide awake. Feeling so uncomfortable. Unwelcome. Hated. The next morning when Michael and I got out of his and the kids way, and went upstairs while they opened their gifts, he threw the cheap gifts he got, at us. Merry Christmas to us. Later, I drove Michael to his family's, and I went to my friends house, he went on to tell me how I ruin every holiday. I believe I was called a "cunt" that day too. 



I needed to write it out. Sometimes your brain only shows the good memories. Adjusting to the single life is hard. Being with a man that makes you feel so unloved is worse. I haven't cried since I left him that day. Since, I found out I'm getting promoted. I started my next level of military education. I booked a solo yoga retreat. I may be getting a part time roommate putting my finances  in a better spot. Looking into real estate investing. Going to therapy faithfully. I still haven't come close to a date. I don't know when I'll feel ok about that. I really don't care. I want my son back. I have no control over that. I could control what I allow in my life. I needed support. Someone to lean on. 

I used to think that if he knew how much he hurt me, he would stop. I now know he knew how much I hurt. Those tears and words were real. He didn't care. He liked to watch me fall. He believed I deserved it. He got stronger after each incident. It didn't kill me, so he kept on. I think he was seeing just how much I could take before I broke. He got close. I really investigated ways to stop myself from ever waking up. I found ways to leave a pretty corpse, but by the time anyone knew I was missing, I wouldn't be so pretty. I need to feel better. I don't need more weight when I'm drowning. I was begging for a life raft and he was throwing anvils. The last conversation we had was over a week ago. After 2 weeks of ignoring insulting, degrading texts I was ready to block him at the suggestion of my shrink. I was a bag of anxiety. I use my phone as an alarm clock. The days before it was one manipulation after another. "Tell me you fucked him and I'll leave you alone". I almost wanted to say I did, but that's what he wanted and I wasn't about to admit to something I didn't do, to give him more ammunition.  I ignored and deleted every text so I wouldn't have to keep seeing his disgusting words. So 4:20 am comes around, alarm goes off and "you're a fucking pig" are the first words I see. You really don't know just how much that effects you until you start to talk about it. I didn't know how I carry it around. I told my shrink about it. I don't really speak of him much. I didn't want her to know exactly how much I took. She suggested I block him. That I need to save myself right now. That wasn't love and how much that is weighing me down during a time I need to be lifted up. I never blocked anyone before. I waited for the next text and I would do it. Nothing. For over a week. Then the "miss you" love you" bs texts start coming. I continue to ignore it. The phone rings and I answer.

 I had made a point months before that I will not engage In stupid fights and attacks via text. That it was cowardly. If you can't say it, don't bother. So out of respect and the rule I made, I answered the phone. I don't even remember what he said. I do remember the humility in his voice. A different approach then his previous failed attempts. No anger. The loving voice. I didn't budge. I was strong. No more contact. No calls. No texts. Nothing. I will block you from getting to me. I don't care to hear your side anymore. It doesn't matter. I will not be made to feel like the lowest form of life by the dude who "loves" me. I don't care what or who you do. You are not my problem anymore. I'm no longer yours. I don't love you. You've made it impossible. Go away. 

A couple more texts saying he didn't cheat in me. I never said he did. Never made that an issue. But he would never admit to being wrong, so defend yourself against something I could give a shit about? Again, heard nothing I ever said. I ignored those texts too. And... That was it. Peace.  One week and one day of peace. Aaaahhhhhhhhh.


I feel better again...