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Sunday, November 25, 2012

attitude of gratitude


another thanksgiving means more reflection. i am so happy. really happy. i still have struggles like everyone else, but i have so much to be greatful for. i focus on the good, the goals, and the love.
my boy is growing into a man. he's had some struggles, more like life lessons that have made him smarter and stronger. still a way to go before he gets it. he's on his way. i can be his safe place to land, but these are his lessons. some i learned long ago. life isnt easy. nothing worth wild is handed to you. the harder you work to get something, the bigger the reward. he's gonna be alright. he'll stumble, but not fall. brush himself off and figure it out. failure is not an option. mistakes are part of the process. he knows what he doesnt want in life and that is half the battle. i love his face and his sensitive heart. i wish he never left me. lived with me forever. do this crazy journey thru life together. laughing, dancing, learning, and accomplishing together.
still in the best relationship of my life. 2 thanksgivings together. now, we've spent many together in our youth, but not like this. 2 summers, 2 thanksgivings, soon to be 2 birthdays and xmas. time goes by fast. he truley is my best friend. we are a team. we work together to be happy. support each other and keep it moving. we have so much respect for each other. i want to see him smile not just exist like in our previous lives. getting thru the day to get to the next. no joy. just survival. going thru the motions. we have made the decision to live. not just exist. old deamons creep in. ghosts of the past that fucked us up on the way. sometimes we have to take a minute and realize that's not us. work in progress.

40 is coming!!!! woo hoo! getting old is a privledge some never get. i'm not struggling with it, i'm celebrating it. running of the santas, LA, huge dinner with friends when i return. i will have my baby and my boo along with friends who've become family. how blessed am i? life is good. i cant believe i got here.
there have been times in my life where i didnt want to wake up. i used to pray to whatever god would listen to have the pain end. i felt worthless. i just didnt want to breathe anymore. suicide was not an option when youre a mom. the questions your kid is plagued with after is not fair to them. a lifetime of wondering what they coud have done to prevent it.
a freak accident, terminal illness, or act of random violence was all i wished for. too many dark days with no end. bad people who used it to their advantage. one kick to the gut after another.no where to turn. all alone with the weight to carry. but i smiled. faked the funk. often the pain would knock me to my knees. i cried a lot. just when i thought i couldnt hurt anymore a brand new hurt made its way in. i'd like to forget those times, but if i didnt have them would i be as happy as i am now? would i even know how lucky i am? ive been to hell and i won. i have a calm to me now. peace in what is. i focus on what i have and how i can hold on to it.
i only have tears of joy now. when my eyes fill up, its out of sheer happiness. that hurt is gone. i just wish there were more hours in the day. i never have enough time. sometimes life is nonstop. hard to stop and smell the roses. but look at the alternative. my work makes a difference, i have very close relationships with amazing people, i accomplish crazy things, and everything is new.
next time i make an entry, most likely will be after the 40! entering this chapter with wide eyes and an open heart.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

things that fit




I collect things that make sense. I connect with it for whatever reason. Then I do nothing with it. I'll keep them here.












Quotes from heroes that passed, or unknown nobodies. When it feels like me, I'll put it here.







Brilliance is everywhere. The universe is always reaching out to tell you something. Sometimes we listen then quickly forget the lesson.






Pay attention. Learn from everything.



Keep the messages in your pocket and refer to them when the situation calls.




Some things feel like they were written specifically for me. My logical mind knows this isn't so. So that means there are many like me, or at least feel like me from time to time.








Maybe I'm not so weird? Maybe I fit in somewhere, where it's my kind of normal. A girl can dream.











Monday, November 5, 2012

US VS THEM


it is no secret that i am a bed wetting liberal. some have accused me as being a socialist. i take no offense. i lace my boots up everyday and fight for this country. it is a privledge and an honor to do so. i respect most views as long as they are educated, not based on propaganda or underlying hatred, racism, homophobia, or sexism.

i believe as an american, in the greatest country in the world, we all should have basic rights, be educated, and healthy. we all should be able to earn a living wage, where we can adequately support our families, seek medical attention, go to college if we so choose, make decisions concerning our bodies, marry whoever we want, and live the american dream. why is that so wrong?

this election, and i suppose every election, divides us. US VS THEM.

i find it so hard to believe that people can think so differently. that we breathe the same air. live in the same neighborhoods. see the same wrongs. struggle the same hardships. but have very different solutions. there is straight up anger that comes from the right, directed to the left. enemies on the same team? the same america? what am i missing?

the day in 2008, when president obama was elected, changed the world. whether you love or hate him, life as we know it, would never be the same. the people, those without a voice in the past elections, made this change. 80% of obama's funds came from donations of $5 or less. do you know how significant that is? no big business, not the 1%, we did it. the little people. and that pisses the previous "powers that be" off to no end. we aren't supposed to be heard. better that we are forgotten. what can we do for them anyway but be their worker bees to generate their very hefty incomes? break our backs and often go to bed hungry while their great grandchildren live comfortably for the rest of their lives.

obama was handed a shit show that was generating way before the mess of the bush administration. what does the right expect? he cant perform miracles. i do agree obama needed to be tougher. his way goes like the ways of linden b johnson. an "honest broker" that took no shit and bullied people into submission. obama has been too nice. no matter what he proposes, it was and will be shot down by the good ol boys. and this has nothing to do with policy or procedure. this is strictly the right not excepting the idea of an non-white commander that was actually put into office by the people.

being a soldier, i have to respect the president. whomever that turns out to be. but god help us all if that turns out to be mitt. i have a million reasons why that would be devestating. too many to list. too many to wrap my pea brain around. i love this country. this outcome is the worst outcome for america.

what i find more and more as i grow older, is that i have nothing in common with the right. i have ended friendships and lost respect for superiors with their views. after i find out just how differently our brains work, i realize life is too short to waste time with people who make no sense. how can we build a relationship when we look through different eyes? i do my best to understand, but i just cant. i always thought i had an open mind. i thought of myself as nonjudgemental and excepting. that is not true.

the right comes from a place filled with hatred. blaming the victims. they do not believe in helping their fellow man. but want in our vaginas and personal lives. they sit idlely by while our jobs go anywhere but here and walmart takes over the world. the left lay down while the right shits all over them. occupy wall street/america? in theory was good. but did nothing. they laugh at us. silly little hippies.

tomorrow we'll see where our future is going. im scared. a sleepless night for me.

vote. protest. boycott. write. speak. help. lead by example. do your part. and for gods sake, dont go to walmart. if you do, you are part of the problem. google it. theyre the most evil entity on earth. you go to save pennies? you are costing yourself so much more.

what makes me the craziest are those republicans who are under paid, unemployed, under educated, no health insurance, no savings, no retirement fund, living in poverty, and no hope of ever rising up. you are setting up generations for the same circumstances.

they dont know us. most have never met someone like us. they dont know we exist. those who do, believe we put ourselves in dire straights. they dont care if we have a roof over our heads or food on the table. they want to force us to have babies we cant afford no matter how those pregnancies came to be, but they wont lift a finger to help you with that child. they wont let same sexes marry, but they can marry as many times as they want. they hate the liberals, but the liberals are the ones to pick up the pieces and extend the hand. not just a large donation that really is just a tax right off. liberals get in the trenches, get their hands dirty, sacrifice and fight for your better life.

who will you turn to when youre down and out? not your govt. they want you to disappear.