coming back around

so, i had a breakdown? it happens. im still not all sunshine and unicorns, but my heart doesnt hurt anymore. it snowed today. i was on my way out the door to a yoga class that i desperately needed, and after seeing the snow, decided against it. i hate the snow. class was on the other side of town where parking is tricky. i could possibly have to walk several blocks. normally not a problem. with snow? my own personal nightmare. why do i live in a cold climate?

I have mentioned before that i am a happy girl in flip flops. nothing bothers me when the sun is shining. now, the smallest things set me off. ive been a little dramatic. for a brief time i was focusing on the negative. that stops right now.

im still bummed about nye. but oh well. we had nye last year. she can have this one. shit, she can have every one of them. who cares? it means nothing when i have so much. i should just be grateful for everything and stop being a sad pussy.

all the things i wrote about yesterday still stand. all those things were fucking with my psyche. but what was the real problem, was all my problem. i was jealous. so not like me. i have talked it out, and admitted it. im jealous.

its so stupid and i shouldnt want any one's life or wish for what they have. but my boo's ex isnt doing anything wrong by having nye. or by not working, or by having a bf who doesnt work. thats her life. thats what works for her. i shouldnt judge it or have an opinion. and as much as i wish i had more time to relax and enjoy my life and the people in it, i wouldnt trade it for anything. im sending my apologies out into the universe. shes not an embarrassment. i am. a wreck for 2 days when there are real problems and tragedies in the world.

its not her fault she has it easier than most. i should be happy for her. i wouldnt wish my struggles on anyone. and besides, i dont walk in her shoes. even tho she is super lucky, she may not know it. lucky her who has never really had hardship. i hope she lives 10 lifetimes without ever experiencing it. even knowing what its like. no ones life is perfect. never said hers was. but not ever knowing what it is like to worry about keeping a roof over you and your kids heads and food on the table is a HUGE blessing. and that is why i had such a hard time with everything. all responsibility has always been on me. its constant anxiety. forces you to keep moving, earning, learning, lose sleep, miss events, hide from bill collectors, and do things you hate just to get by. if you take that out of the equation? bliss.

so, im just jealous. i wish i had it easier. then and now. but i cant begrudge those that do. if the grass seems greener? ill just work on my lawn.

i wish the boo's ex a lifetime of happiness. she seems very happy with the man she is with. i met him and i cant say a bad word. i know when they were married, they were terribly unhappy. neither are bad people. just changed. it happens all the time. both are much happier now. life is short and everyone should live the life they want. i am forever grateful to her. if she didnt leave him, he would of had no reason to hang out. we wouldnt of started this. the happier she is, the happier the kids are, then in turn, the happier the boo is. i'm the asshole. its a reoccurring theme.

everyone has a bad day. everyone gets a little crazy. everyone can be an asshole. no one is perfect. i'm sorry again.

and then i crash

all the happy, the lucky, the motivation, and positivity has vanished. just days ago, and most of the last 2 years, my head was spinning with gratitude. and in the blink of an eye, its gone. for no good reason. nothing significant caused this. just a bunch of tiny annoyances that grew to an overwhelming crushing blow. a downpour of a rain on my sunny parade. i cried uncontrollably today. sobbing. feeling like my heart is being shredded to pieces and my chest feels like a boulder rests on it. my shoulders weighed down like 1000 lbs of worries are being balanced on them. I feel low. very low. scary low. why?

all the things ive been so grateful for, are still in existence. all the reasons for my happy are still front and center. but im stuck in a black hole, isolated in my room, talking to no one. hiding.

it may be the cold weather and short days. i cant take the cold. last winter was amazing. warm more than not. the temperature dropped here and an instant switch in mood happened. but that can't be it.

the tragedy of sandyhook ct. i cant talk about. i avoided all coverage and conversation. i cant let this in. i cant deal with the magnitude of pain those involved are going through. i cant change it, fix it, prevent it from happening again, give any kind of comfort, cant walk in their shoes. i have to block it out. but as good as ive been dodging it, its still there. my closest girlfriend covered the story in that town. we can never speak of her experience. she, as a writer, cant shake it. went from sandyhook to xmas dinner. she is from ct. sat at her parents dinner table and tried to be grateful. she'll never be the same. but that can't be it.

i wish i could do more for my son financially. he is struggling and i hate to see it. but i do not have the resources other parents have. at his age, i had him. a one yr old. i went to bed hungry a lot. you want better for your kid. i try to tell myself and him that he'll figure it out. that i had no help. but it kills me. i want to make his life easy. you need help in this world to get ahead. i know this. i had no help. i want him to get everything out of life. its not possible without a steady cash flow. but that cant be it.

i still have not been promoted, due to no fault of my own. i have done everything i was supposed to and then some. i have had road blocks. promoted on paper, but the steps have not been taken to give me my stripes and pay raise. i am the squeaky wheel. making tons of noise about it. i earned it. give it to me! i am so sick of fighting for shit that is mine. already out $2000 because of it. its not fair. but that cant be it.

i am not getting enough sleep. i leave my house at 5 am and get home close to 6pm. there leaves no time for anything else. with no promotion, but more responsibility on me, i'm getting burnt out and stressed. but that cant be it.

maybe it has something to do with my mother. she schedules her flights back from visiting my sister in tampa waaayyy after my bed time. the last time i expressed that i need my sleep (this is when i was waking up at 630, now i wake up at 430) that its really hard for me to wait for her to get her bags, drive her to the NE, back to south philly. her response was..."youre the only one that can do it. take a nap". take a nap??? are you serious? i suggested that she come back early the next morning. grab a 6 am flight and she could be home by 9am. her answer was "no, i dont want the cat to have to wait another night for me". the cat? ITS A CAT!!!!! im your daughter. this time her flight was scheduled to land at 955. now do the math. i wake up at 430. her plane comes in at 10. by the time i get back to my bed, its close to midnight. why is that ok? so it gets better. her flight was delayed. by hours. thank god for the boy. he got her. but she had absolutely no problem with me getting no sleep so she can avoid a cab. heres the best part. i looked up her flight. usair had 20 flights from tampa to philly before that one. 20!!!!!! she is blatantly saying to me, "i dont care what you NEED, this is what i WANT". my son got home close to 2 am. i would have had 2 hrs sleep. she was fine with that. but that cant be it.

i quit smoking 2 1/2 weeks ago. that may have a lot to do with it!!! i miss my friend. my comfort. my way to deal with things. but i didnt want to be a 40 yr old smoker. im trying to get sexier. can this be it?

i am broke from all the merriment and got hit with unexpected bills, of course. i desperately need a new car. that is normal. life. been here a million times. with all the other shit, day to day struggles, its piling up and pushing me under. but here is what set it all off...

the boo's ex.

i just found out our nye plans are canceled. he has the kids. not that he doesnt have them all the time. his ex and her bf dont work.they have more free time than anyone i know. the boo has the kids half the time. we both work ourselves to death and do not get a lot of free time, let alone quality time together. on our nights together, were both asleep by 830-900. they get to live in their fantasy land, complete with bills paid and babysitters at their disposal. the boo has no family and literally works his fingers to the bone. when the kids are with him, theyre with him. monday nights are our normal nights together. but not this monday night. nye. i found out yesterday morning. im alone to start 2013. while she gets to live it up. everyday is her nye. i did my time and earned my freedom. now i have to sacrifice for you? this is what set me off. this is what made me fall apart. im on a hamster wheel. running, running, running. i run to get to the good times which are few, far between, and rightfully earned. she is a taker. entitled. delusional. selfish. i dont expect her to do anything for me/us. but i also dont believe i should be at all inconvenienced for her. fuck her.

this has brought up all the memories of the hard times. how alone i was doing everything by myself. i worked every nye. then i worked every new years day on no sleep. i had to take care of us. i didnt have 5 nights off in a row to hang out with my boyfriend and sleep late. i just got so angry that i struggled so much with one baby. while she parties with 3. im not complaining. it was a privilege. i dont have to do this anymore. i earned my nye. she should earn hers!!! be a mom! a goddamned role model. youre a 40 yr old woman. do for you and yours. dont fuck with my shit. this was the straw that broke the camels back. this was my breaking point. this was the reason i lost it. she reminds me of how hard i had/have it. how i struggle to get by with so little free time. how grateful i am for anything i have. i rarely complain. i give back. and i treat her kids with respect. but i shouldnt have to be responsible for them. i didnt sign on for that. where were you on nye's of the past? you didnt watch my kid. i didnt wreck your night. you suck and youre an embarrassment. your kids will realize this one day. they will be embarrassed. but by then, they will have chosen to live with their dad so you can have 7 days a week off.

this was a looooonnnggggg angry rant. ironically, i do not feel any better. 2013, you better step it up.

im 40

well, the 40 has come and gone. i took off from work today just to recover and chill. sit in the quiet and reflect. ill say it again. i am so lucky.

the celebration started like it has the last 3 years with "Running of the Santas". its a silly thing. 5000 people dress in christmas garb, drinking, dancing, a 3 block run with a concert at electric factory as the main event. like always, we had a blast. no memory of the end of the night. im too old to drink all day and make it til the wee hours. but i think it was a great time.

woke up the next morning at stupid oclock and flew to see my west coast bestie. i had a blast. LA is a whole other animal without an abusive clown controlling your every move. i got to just be. floating around enjoying every minute. hiked in the hills, visited friends, popped down to the beach and the boardwalk, spa time, and going out to eat. just chillin. not partying.

no drama, no plans. just bounced from place to place. even walked on hollywood blvd. something i had never done. my girl lives 3 blocks from there. it was a very different LA experience. no wanna be douchbags, star fuckers, or inflated egos. i actually met people with talent who didnt drop names or care who you know and what you can do for them. it was refreshing. i hated LA when i left back in 2009. it wasnt LA i hated. it was my situation. LA is fine. warm weather, legal weed. the food cannot compare to the east coast,something i could never get used to. but my eyes were opened a little in my short trip.

popped bottles on a roofdeck in hermosa beach at ufc royalty's house, got to see an old philly friend who became an overnight success, (couldnt have happened to a more deserving guy), laughed a lot, rested, enjoyed the sun, met awesome people (2 just so happened to be from philly), and recharged myself. got home in time for the 40 to take place.

this is where i become an asshole...
so the boo picks me up from the airport, we get to my place and he hands me a plastic bag with a robe and slippers in it. "happy birthday" he said. now, i needed a robe for his house. this is a robe you would buy for your mom. nothing sexy or cute. but thats cool. i just needed warm. the next 2 days hes with his kids and i start to get mad. a robe and slippers? in a plastic bag? oh heeeellllllll nah! this is my 40!!! his birthday i went above and beyond to make him feel loved and appreciated! i get a robe in a trashbag?
i run it by my sergeant major. i never share my personal info. he tried to stick up for him, using that excuse that men are stupid. NOT MY MAN!!!! he treats me better on a regular day. so asshole me, starts to unleash on him thru text. "you made me feel so low" "you put no effort" blah blah blah. you get the picture. well, i ruined his surprise. he had gotten me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet, and i wrecked it. i did some ass kissing and apologizing, and hes over it. why did i doubt him? i didnt need diamonds. infact, if that robe was in a giftbag, all would be cool. but he has been so amazing to me this entire time. i should have had faith.

we had dinner with friends and the boy at another friends restaurant in CC. i wore sequined booty shorts because im 40 and its the new "i dont give a fuck". we drug the boy thru the city and even ended up at after hours. we are the best. had a blast. again, i;m so lucky.

another milestone reached. i have already been thinking about 41. so far any plan i have made has been interrupted by life. life dictates. not me. im very curious to see where ill be at 41. hopefully just as happy as i am now, only with a shit ton more accomplishments.

attitude of gratitude

another thanksgiving means more reflection. i am so happy. really happy. i still have struggles like everyone else, but i have so much to be greatful for. i focus on the good, the goals, and the love.
my boy is growing into a man. he's had some struggles, more like life lessons that have made him smarter and stronger. still a way to go before he gets it. he's on his way. i can be his safe place to land, but these are his lessons. some i learned long ago. life isnt easy. nothing worth wild is handed to you. the harder you work to get something, the bigger the reward. he's gonna be alright. he'll stumble, but not fall. brush himself off and figure it out. failure is not an option. mistakes are part of the process. he knows what he doesnt want in life and that is half the battle. i love his face and his sensitive heart. i wish he never left me. lived with me forever. do this crazy journey thru life together. laughing, dancing, learning, and accomplishing together.
still in the best relationship of my life. 2 thanksgivings together. now, we've spent many together in our youth, but not like this. 2 summers, 2 thanksgivings, soon to be 2 birthdays and xmas. time goes by fast. he truley is my best friend. we are a team. we work together to be happy. support each other and keep it moving. we have so much respect for each other. i want to see him smile not just exist like in our previous lives. getting thru the day to get to the next. no joy. just survival. going thru the motions. we have made the decision to live. not just exist. old deamons creep in. ghosts of the past that fucked us up on the way. sometimes we have to take a minute and realize that's not us. work in progress.

40 is coming!!!! woo hoo! getting old is a privledge some never get. i'm not struggling with it, i'm celebrating it. running of the santas, LA, huge dinner with friends when i return. i will have my baby and my boo along with friends who've become family. how blessed am i? life is good. i cant believe i got here.
there have been times in my life where i didnt want to wake up. i used to pray to whatever god would listen to have the pain end. i felt worthless. i just didnt want to breathe anymore. suicide was not an option when youre a mom. the questions your kid is plagued with after is not fair to them. a lifetime of wondering what they coud have done to prevent it.
a freak accident, terminal illness, or act of random violence was all i wished for. too many dark days with no end. bad people who used it to their advantage. one kick to the gut after another.no where to turn. all alone with the weight to carry. but i smiled. faked the funk. often the pain would knock me to my knees. i cried a lot. just when i thought i couldnt hurt anymore a brand new hurt made its way in. i'd like to forget those times, but if i didnt have them would i be as happy as i am now? would i even know how lucky i am? ive been to hell and i won. i have a calm to me now. peace in what is. i focus on what i have and how i can hold on to it.
i only have tears of joy now. when my eyes fill up, its out of sheer happiness. that hurt is gone. i just wish there were more hours in the day. i never have enough time. sometimes life is nonstop. hard to stop and smell the roses. but look at the alternative. my work makes a difference, i have very close relationships with amazing people, i accomplish crazy things, and everything is new.
next time i make an entry, most likely will be after the 40! entering this chapter with wide eyes and an open heart.

things that fit

I collect things that make sense. I connect with it for whatever reason. Then I do nothing with it. I'll keep them here.

Quotes from heroes that passed, or unknown nobodies. When it feels like me, I'll put it here.

Brilliance is everywhere. The universe is always reaching out to tell you something. Sometimes we listen then quickly forget the lesson.

Pay attention. Learn from everything.



Keep the messages in your pocket and refer to them when the situation calls.

US VS THEM

it is no secret that i am a bed wetting liberal. some have accused me as being a socialist. i take no offense. i lace my boots up everyday and fight for this country. it is a privledge and an honor to do so. i respect most views as long as they are educated, not based on propaganda or underlying hatred, racism, homophobia, or sexism.

i believe as an american, in the greatest country in the world, we all should have basic rights, be educated, and healthy. we all should be able to earn a living wage, where we can adequately support our families, seek medical attention, go to college if we so choose, make decisions concerning our bodies, marry whoever we want, and live the american dream. why is that so wrong?

this election, and i suppose every election, divides us. US VS THEM.

i find it so hard to believe that people can think so differently. that we breathe the same air. live in the same neighborhoods. see the same wrongs. struggle the same hardships. but have very different solutions. there is straight up anger that comes from the right, directed to the left. enemies on the same team? the same america? what am i missing?

the day in 2008, when president obama was elected, changed the world. whether you love or hate him, life as we know it, would never be the same. the people, those without a voice in the past elections, made this change. 80% of obama's funds came from donations of $5 or less. do you know how significant that is? no big business, not the 1%, we did it. the little people. and that pisses the previous "powers that be" off to no end. we aren't supposed to be heard. better that we are forgotten. what can we do for them anyway but be their worker bees to generate their very hefty incomes? break our backs and often go to bed hungry while their great grandchildren live comfortably for the rest of their lives.

obama was handed a shit show that was generating way before the mess of the bush administration. what does the right expect? he cant perform miracles. i do agree obama needed to be tougher. his way goes like the ways of linden b johnson. an "honest broker" that took no shit and bullied people into submission. obama has been too nice. no matter what he proposes, it was and will be shot down by the good ol boys. and this has nothing to do with policy or procedure. this is strictly the right not excepting the idea of an non-white commander that was actually put into office by the people.

being a soldier, i have to respect the president. whomever that turns out to be. but god help us all if that turns out to be mitt. i have a million reasons why that would be devestating. too many to list. too many to wrap my pea brain around. i love this country. this outcome is the worst outcome for america.

what i find more and more as i grow older, is that i have nothing in common with the right. i have ended friendships and lost respect for superiors with their views. after i find out just how differently our brains work, i realize life is too short to waste time with people who make no sense. how can we build a relationship when we look through different eyes? i do my best to understand, but i just cant. i always thought i had an open mind. i thought of myself as nonjudgemental and excepting. that is not true.

the right comes from a place filled with hatred. blaming the victims. they do not believe in helping their fellow man. but want in our vaginas and personal lives. they sit idlely by while our jobs go anywhere but here and walmart takes over the world. the left lay down while the right shits all over them. occupy wall street/america? in theory was good. but did nothing. they laugh at us. silly little hippies.

tomorrow we'll see where our future is going. im scared. a sleepless night for me.

vote. protest. boycott. write. speak. help. lead by example. do your part. and for gods sake, dont go to walmart. if you do, you are part of the problem. google it. theyre the most evil entity on earth. you go to save pennies? you are costing yourself so much more.

what makes me the craziest are those republicans who are under paid, unemployed, under educated, no health insurance, no savings, no retirement fund, living in poverty, and no hope of ever rising up. you are setting up generations for the same circumstances.

they dont know us. most have never met someone like us. they dont know we exist. those who do, believe we put ourselves in dire straights. they dont care if we have a roof over our heads or food on the table. they want to force us to have babies we cant afford no matter how those pregnancies came to be, but they wont lift a finger to help you with that child. they wont let same sexes marry, but they can marry as many times as they want. they hate the liberals, but the liberals are the ones to pick up the pieces and extend the hand. not just a large donation that really is just a tax right off. liberals get in the trenches, get their hands dirty, sacrifice and fight for your better life.

who will you turn to when youre down and out? not your govt. they want you to disappear.

Chicken-cord-on-blue

That was my costume. I recycled this one. I was this same thing about 13-14 yrs ago behind the bar at EGYPT Night Club on the Waterfront. I stole it from a NYC DJ who was wearing it that same night. because I have new,dope, bright, blue, Pumas and this was a completely different crowd, i figured why not? so check this BUZZKILL out! I give my friend a clue of "Winner, winner, CHICKEN dinner" and he guessed it right away! how was this possible? his waiter from the other night was being the exact same thing!!! WTF!!! It took 13-14 yrs, and it got to that dude. AND it looks like he had the idea 1st! i immediately contacted my gf, who i know has a pic of us all those years ago just to prove it. I put more of an effort into it the last time, but this way was fine.

the boo looked awesome in his batman snuggy. even more awesome, he can use it everyday, not just for holloween. but check out the gene simmons dude. his shoes were like a foot tall. we hung with that guy a lot, but we will never know who he is in real life. good times, good peeps, another holloween. feels like holloween 2011 was yesterday.

hurricane sandy about to hit us. i tend to not take this stuff seriously. i should, considering this is my job. schools closing, businesses shutting down, evacuations. maybe i should have some fear, but i dont. working from home the next couple of days. that makes me happy, considering i was to be on 12 days in a row. i get burnt out. especially because my boss is the biggest moron on the planet and i don't know how he walks and chews gum at the same time. or how he bullshit his way into this position. i really worry about the mission we are on. it is doomed with him "in charge". we let him believe that, as we work around him. he's a tard. enough on that.

going to LA for my birthday!!! woo hoo! 40 is a BIGGIE and i feel aweome and need to celebrate. when i lived in LA, i never got to do anything being saddled to the abusive clown. i never got to just be. the boo cannot get away in december, so i called my west coast bestie and set up a visit. im so excited. yoga, beach, nightlife, sunshine. i want to see just how far i can run on the beach path, visit a friend on the boardwalk, do things i could never do with the clown. i had free yoga and he made it as if even yoga class was sinister. he told his friend that i do yoga to look better for other men. accused me of the same. everything was suspect. it became pointless to do anything, go anywhere just to avoid the abuse.

my boo? says "have a great time. i'm sorry we can't go away together". he feels bad. i say we have a whole lifetime to celebrate. i understand. we can celebrate any ol way. with friends, just the two of us, on a beach or in his basement. i dont care. he is the main reason i feel so great. im happy. that is his gift to me and he worries that not enough. it is waaayyy more than enough. happiness? its new to me. he helped get me here. he keeps a smile on my face. makes me feel safe. cared for. loved. this again is new to me. so good. i do think he's a lil worried about me being out there and being tempted to do something. but i have no intention. why would i risk the best thing that ever happened to me for some dude that means nothing? i just want to hang with my crazy girlfriend and laugh. he knows that. but he knows my past and i can feel his anxiety. i cant let that stop me from living my life. as i have stated in previous posts, i can not sacrifice my wants to make someone else happy anymore. im not hurting anyone by visiting my friend. end of story.

ooooooohhhhhhh. the storm is getting good. time to hunker down with the dog, bon bons, reality tv, the internet and my man. xoxo

Now I say HOOAH!

I completed the Army 10 Miler yesterday. BIG deal for me. I was told distance running was not in the cards anymore after my injury running the San Fran Marathon in 2005. I proved them wrong.

39, about to be 40 any second, I was approached with the opportunity to run as a team. I explained that I really wanted to. I'll train and if my knee is ok, Ill do it, but no promises. And train I did. 4-5 days a week, at stupid o'clock in the morning, I ran. I stuck to the treadmill because it is less impact on your body. I protected my knee and when there was pain, I stopped. Running on a tradmill is very different than road. I could build up endurance, but I knew I would struggle when the race came. Also, I never ran past 8 miles. I worried that I would end up walking during the race, and tried to convince myself to leave my ego back in Philly. I remember trying to sooth my team members who worried about their performance "whatever happens, happens. Let's just try to have a good time". I was really talking to myself.

The day couldn't have been more beautiful. Perfect running weather, trees turning a million vibrant colors, and the Nations Capitol as our backdrop. We did it. All of us. The pride we earned that day is priceless.

We all ran at different paces in different waves. For some of the team, this was not their first ATM. 5 of the 16 run Keyan style. Fast as shit. For a few, this was their first race of any kind. First distance run. For me, I had something to prove. You can never tell me I can't.

Not only did I run the entire race, I did it in 88 mins. BOOOOOOOMMMMMM. The 1st three miles were a struggle. I remember thinking, "Oh shit, 7 more miles". Then my stride became effortless. I started picking up speed with each mile marker I passed. The hills became fun, not an obstacle. I was now passing people from waves that started 10-15 minutes before me. When I crossed the finish line, my thought was what's next?

After the race we clebrated with hugs. We were awarded with coins from the Command Sergeant Major of the Army Reserves who just happened to be getting interviewed by our Rally point. We took the metro back to the hotel, jumped in the car, and made our way back home to avoid the traffic of 40,000 people trying to leave at once. It was a great day.

Again I proved to myself that there is nothing I can't do. I am a product of what I believe. I believe I'm a warrior. Half marathon next.

In the history of the 338th MED BDE, there has never been a team for anything. We started something very cool and we plan to grow. Lead from the front. Be an example. Engage your fellow soldiers and continue to accomplish things you thought you couldn't. Things in our unit changed yesterday. A new morale. We are proud of ourselves and everyone else is proud of us too. We need to use this momentum to inspire others to join us,

Now, I'm not saying there is no downside. I'm barely moving today. Last night was a little rough as well. I am still almost 40 with injuries. Walking is not my friend right now. Heating pads with my knee propped up watching reality TV. Thank God I had off from work. Taking a couple days break from running, but not too long.

More pics to come.

Fitness on the Cheap/My Workout Hustle

Since I have nothing significant to report, I figured I would share some things. Being that I like working out, and my budget is small, i gotta find a hustle. so i will share my secrets.

daily deals are my best friend. especially groupon's "now" deals. that site always has a class at a fancy fitness facility, yoga studio, personal trainers, specialty classes such as;spinning, rowzone, cross fit, boot camps, and the like. often you can buy groups of classes or memberships for a fraction of the real price.

i downloaded a free ap "Deal Drop". this ap combines all the deal sites into one place and knocks it down into categories. there is always something on there at a much lower reduced rate.

Lululemon and Athletica give free in house or off site classes all thru the week. "friend" them on facebook to get the skinny. they even have running groups and clinics for any skill level.

during the summer, "Urban Yoga" holds once a week classes somewhere outside. this year it was at the comcast building. last year it popped up at different parks around the city. again, friend them on fb for info.

every studio/facility wants your business. if you go on their website, 9 times out of ten they have a deal for new students. i just found a week of free classes at The Yoga Garden on south street. think about it. its $16 a class normally. major score. http://www.yogagardenphilly.com/

a new yoga studio just opened in my hood. and while under construction, they invited local yogis once a day for a free practice until they officially opened. even though it was not completed, it was still one of the most beautiful studios i have ever seen. i will definitely go back, even if i have to pay full price. haha. check them out. http://www.digyoga.com/philadelphia-classes.html

meetup.com has several fitness groups. you can find whatever youre into. i belong to "Run Like a Philly Girl". over 400 members and several runs a week at all different times and areas of the city. all paces and distances. beginners to marathoners. i have run with them several times, but now i dont have the time. even their early runs are too late for me.

lucky for me, i have a gym at work. i am there by 6am mon-fri. i always have someone to run with (its our job, we have to do it). im fortunate that way.

Pinterest is my new favorite thing. not only can you find anything that interests you, they have 1000's of workouts that do not need a gym. you don't have to leave your house. whatever your fitness goals, you can get it on Pinterest. the workouts are dumbed down, step by step. you can "pin" them to a board you create just for work outs. heres mine... titled "keeping it sexxxaaayyy " http://pinterest.com/pin/152629874841601602/

another free ap i have, (im new to it, so im still learning), is "Fitocracy" . you do not need a smart phone because it's on line as well. www.fitocracy.com . both the ap and the site are linked together. its a mixture of workouts, tracking progress, ideas, and it also has the social networking side with groups, friends, and strangers getting involved with your routines. they give support and info to reach your goals. it feels like a group effort and makes you accountable. when people are paying attention, youre more likely to get your ass in gear. plus, my Boo's brother is on there and is kicking my ass in points. so it becomes competitive as well.

there is fitness "On Demand". free classes right in your living room, included with your cable. most people don't know this. but its pretty awesome and changes frequently.

you can also find classes on line. back to yoga, there are several sites with classes from amazing teachers. search "free yoga online". there is an overwhelming amount of resources. im sure you can find any class if you search that way.

and last but not least youtube.com. anything you want to learn or see is on there. when i get a workout from Pinterest and it mentions an exercise ive never heard of, i go to youtube.com and in seconds im taught.

i cant think of any other hustles, but im sure i have them. OH! volunteer at a facility for free memberships. sometimes this is as little as 2 hrs a month. i wrote a blog for a studio for a while and it gave me free classes and workshops. pretty sweet.

if you see military personnel...

its ok to thank them. wish them a safe trip. buy them a coffee. carry their bags. but please leave them alone!!!

being in the airport in uniform is a double edged sword. people are nice. bumps to 1st class. smiles and handshakes. but then there are those who think because you are in uniform, you must be sociable.

one time, it was 530 in the am. i had my headphones on, reading my nook. i couldnt have looked more preoccupied or unapproachable. a man actually made me take my headphones out to ask me what "APO" stood for in overseas addresses, because he owns a business that sends to "APO" addresses. then he proceeds to tell me about his business and how it will benefit me and my soldier friends. then he goes on to tell me he was a volunteer firefighter before, asked me personal questions, wants to know my reasons for joining the military and so on. DUDE, IT IS 530 AM!!! IM TRYING TO CHILL BEFORE MY ASS KICKING TRAINING IN WISCONSIN! he didnt care.

on my way back from that trip, same thing. headphones and nook. "my cousin was in the navy. have you ever been to japan? he liked being in the navy. blah blah. blah". another gentleman..."when i was in the army we didnt have MRE's (meals ready to eat), we ate out of tin cans".

today, on my way to Indiana, most of the people just say "thank you" and keep it moving. some will ask you where you're going, how long you'll be there, what will you do there, who watches your dog, and just wont let you have any peace.

just because we wear a uniform and you see us as the "good guys" doesn't mean we are friends or we want to chit chat at stupid o clock in the morning. please leave us alone. does it ever dawn on you that maybe were about to get our asses kicked in a training for the next few days or months? or were on our way to fight a war? that we had to run around like nuts to get our lives squared away just to get here and this could possibly be the only down time we will have in god knows how long? ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

i know these people dont mean to be pain in the asses, but if you see someone with headphones, reading a book, talking on the phone, or going into a bathroom... that is not the time to make conversation with them!!! say hi. drive on.

i know i sound like a bitch, but its so fucking frustrating. im not your dancing monkey. im not here to entertain you or be your sounding board. i signed my name on the dotted line. that ends my obligation to you.

idiot

i read his most recent crap. his judgemental bullsit. hes the expert on all things "cool". it is so comical. i wonder if he believes hes fooling anyone?

he pretends to be back east helping out his family. that is a big lie. he doesn't do anything to help them. unless by "helping" he means living with them while they support him, clean up after him, give him a car, do his laundry, feed him, blah, blah, blah. why is he still here? bouncing around philly? places i could possibly be. trust me, he does not want a chance run in. this hatred in me, directed at him, has not dwindled a bit. i don't think i will be able to walk away like the last time his stalker ass just happened to pop into the yoga class i was taking. coincidence? total impossibility. i was so freaked out, i bolted. i didn't want him to see what car i drive or what direction i was going. i just wanted away from him. fast.

ill always remember that stupid face he had on. acting shocked and hurt that i would react like a caged animal breaking free. putting on a show. nothing about him is the least bit genuine. he is fake to the core. a walking lie with a lot of expensive education.

the only reason he is still in the area is he cant get back to LA. i would bet the farm he still doesnt have a job, but tells anyone who will listen about all the upcoming projects he has in the works. any day now he'll be a huge success. he's working with so and so on a big budget so and so. yeah, they let him be a part of the process, but in the end, nothing.

but if it means anything at all, his internet friends, who've never met him, think hes something special. but anyone who knows him? really knows him? knows hes a clown.

i can't stop reading his shit. every time there is something new, its like xmas morning. its so laughable. the image he portrays, the guy he so desperately wants people to think he is, is the exact opposite of the person he is.

keep poppin into all the trendy spots just months ago you pretended to hate. i thought west philly is where its at? your gangsta days at the U of P? remember those? ivy league hood rat with the wealthy parents? hahaha. you look real hard when youre lounging out in your parents jacuzzi next to the pool. if i remember correctly, i think you poked fun at those of us who chose to spend our money in cc/no libs? are we changing our image? does this one suit you a little better today?

please raise the money to go back to LA. stand on a corner with a bucket and beg for change if you have to. i would gladly contribute to that fund. the main reason for that? i cant get in trouble. i could lose everything Ive built for myself with just one punch to your face. in reality, i prefer a bat. but what are the chances of me having a bat with me? slim to none.

busy busy busy

summer is my favorite. this is the time of the year when my house is messy, bills are late, i lose sleep, shirk responsibilities, and it flies by too fast. i have to work, so that takes up a large portion of my time. but i need to be out as much as possible. poolside, beach, boating, camping, outside cafes. anything that involves sunshine and warm weather. here it is. july 24th. too much summer gone by already. before i know it, it will be cold again. i need summer year round. nothing that goes wrong feels that serious in flip flops.


i fell in love last summer with my best friend. i would have never guessed we would still be here. even stronger. more in love. solid. so happy i am. change. its constant.


i was thinking today about where i am at this stage of the game and how i NEVER would have imagined this is where i'd be. its crazytown. freaky. im content. not just content, proud. i make a difference everyday.


i am 1 of 10 people tasked in a 3 year mission of saving lives. in the army we are called "killers". not in a derogatory way. almost as a badge of honor. even if we ourselves dont kill, we support the ones who do. for the next 3 years, i am part of a greater cause. this whole year we train. we use our assets (soldiers with certain qualifications)and have them trained as if they were to deploy. we are a medical unit. a HHC Brigade with down traces. so, nurses, emt, commo, logistics, intel, etc... and they prepare for a stateside catastrophe. if a katrina, 9/11, wildfires, or any kind of emergency happens, we will be the task force going in to help. i will bounce all around this country for the next 14 months,training, learning, bringing info back to our soldiers or search for qualified soldiers in our down traces. selecting who will train in what areas, who are high speed enough to take on this huge responsibility and privilege. working closely with FEMA, Homeland Security, DoD, DSCA, NIMS and many other organizations involved in stateside emergencies. together we share a common language, resources, and assets. we are training to work with civilians, law enforcement, local, tribal, and federal. some of my travel is cool, but some sucks. like next week, im going to atterbury indiana to run a week of chemical warfare scenarios with a team from texas who currently run this mission. they pass it to us in 2014. we spend this time learning. take what they do right, change what isnt working. this mission is in its early stages and you can never be fully prepared for an emergency. but in the army, we train/we fight. its fulfilling. i will gain so much intel and have so much education in these areas, its priceless. hopefully when this 3 years are up, i will land a career in this field. again, change. this was not the plan.


i still want to finish my BA. but now for shits and giggles. its something ive always wanted. but not much use for a BA in english. i would love to teach all over the world. but we'll see. who knows. life is what happens when were busy making plans. whatever will be will be. for now ill live in the moment. C2CRE-A mission is my world right now. that aint too bad.

1 yr

1 year has past. we have been together for 1 yr. in this time, i learned to trust someone again. i feel safe and secure in my own skin. i have no interest in anyone else. no one catches my eye. no one can compare. i will do nothing to ruin it. and i will jump thru hoops to keep it. it's so easy. comfortable. but never boring. he inspires me to try new things, and i do the same for him. we cram as much fun into the time we have together. make every minute count. i have no doubt that he loves me. im just so lucky he does.

we've known each other for almost 27 years now. we have no secrets or skeletons. there is nothing to hide. he knows all of my flaws. my short comings. but then again, he knows my road. and i know his. both were pretty rocky.

we were very close friends as kids because we didnt have it easy. we never have. we have always gravitated toward each other. we find reasons to laugh and smile every day. there is always a kick in our step.

at this stage of my life, almost 40, its a surprise. i wasnt looking for this. it found me. i still think its crazy. lots of things are different. life is so different. completely different.

i am an "empty nester", in the army, working on my BA, moving to the burbs, in love with my oldest friend, in bed by 9, run 5 days a week, hold a very rewarding and prestigious position, rarely have time for yoga ( i miss it everyday), i go to the jersey shore on the weekends... who am i?

ive been in a major transition for the last 3 or so years. i hated my life and where i was. i changed it. worked/working on myself to be amazing. leave a dope legacy. never let grass grow under my feet and NEVER let a negative influence bring me down again. i think that is how we ended up together. because im doing everything different. and it was time to have something real. i have never felt like this before.

i have been "in love" before. nothing healthy. always conditional. but what did i know? what were my examples? i stopped believing in it quite some time ago. and certainly wasnt trying to find it. even to those i "committed" to in the last few years. those were just words. i didnt mean it. i have only had casual flings the majority of the time. when the boo and i started to hang out, it was for a few months before we made the step. i had not dated in a while. very unusual for me. i always had something going on. its too easy. but i was focused on school/work/life, i just forgot about men.

at first it was just like old times. partners again. fishing, surfing, movies, boating. things started to change. i tried to ignore it. why ruin a good thing? we both have too much baggage. too much history. we know each others exes. we went to each others weddings. but he is the best thing to ever happen to me.

it took me a longer time to accept that i was falling for him. i didnt want to be in love. love has never worked out for me. it usually ruins a good time. i also didnt want to commit. i havent really been good at that. but here we are. and its so good. my best friend.

i get goosebumps when he touches me, and butterflies when im about to see him. people know were in love and that we actually enjoy being together. in all of my life, i have never met a more caring person. more hard working. more honest. he took care of me as a friend and now he is my safe place to land.

tomorrow, after work, we will go down to his lil spot down the shore. surf, fish,(by "fish" i mean, lay on the boat while he catches dinner) bbq, cocktail, sun bathe, dance, and celebrate our 1 year. but whats awesome about us... we celebrate everyday. life is good. xoxo

things i find annoying

i will not mention any names or give clues as to whom i speak, but some people are out of their GD minds.

as a single mom of one, it wasnt easy. altho i dont remember the hard times now, i do remember working 2-3 jobs, having shitty gigs with asshole bosses, taking abuse to survive. not much help from family, not much sleep, my wants on the back burner, and the boy missed out on a lot. when i hear about the struggles of a particular single mom, it makes me want to punch a baby.

this mom doesn't work. has a car and insurance paid for, cell phone, health insurance, child support, and 15 days a month off from mothering because her ex has joint custody. she attends school 2 days a week to work on yet another degree she wont use.all of the kids tuitions/sports/fun/clothing/dental/medical... lets say everything is paid by the dad. the mom has a full time boyfriend, girls nights out, weekends away, and when she has the kids, there is always a family member to help out.
this is not good enough.

i want her to meet an actual single mom of 3. who works until she colaspes, borrows from peter to pay paul. cant ever go to the doctors because she has no health ins because its pay rent or get well. hasnt had a date in years, no child support, let alone free weekends. christmas is a nightmare, misses class trips, basketball games, prom nights because she has 3 mouths to feed. goes without everyday and never complains. does the job and is grateful to get thru another month.

there are no $14 cocktails or center city brunches in her everyday. no fancy haircuts or new outfits. forget about an education. that is never even an option. that is a privledge only the privledged get. and still, oddly, they dont complain.

sometimes when i hear about this single moms "hard life" , i want to grip her up by her neck and shake her. DONT YOU SEE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!!!??? LOOK AROUND! NO ONE HAS IT THIS EASY! but she'll never get it. never know how insulting it is to the single moms who went without everyday and still got up and did it all over again.

i see her getting married to this guy. and living the same life she did before. never working. acting as if life is so hard. never being able to please her, until this guy has enough. but then she'll get half of another house, some of his pension and savings, maybe some alimony. another car? blah blah blah. then she can move back in with her parents while they take care of her again. until the next dude.

do us a favor, at least get your tubes tied. i know that hurts you on any future child support, but its much tougher to snag the next man when you have 2 baby daddys.

Recovering

I finally have a spare minute, and while everyone is somewhere celebrating Memorial Day weekend, I'm happily in bed. This past Army training was the toughest thing I ever did. Much harder than Basic Training. I thought it would be the normal Army stuff. Dumbed down classes and a bunch of physical stuff. I was right on the physical stuff but very wrong on the dumbed down part. Classes sometimes 16 hrs a day only to be broken up by meals and work outs.Everyone was college educated, gym rats, super soldiers. Some were already SGTs and majority had just returned from a deployment.

It was much more prestigious than I could have imagined. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity.

I met a lot of awesome people, now life long friends. I love the instant family that comes with the Army. People of all walks of life, from all over the country. Facebook is great way to never lose touch. I was pushed to my limit more than once. Learned a ton and surprised myself. I am now called SGT Kelly. Pretty fucking cool. Best part of the whole 16 day course? Flying in a Black Hawk. Sucked that we got dropped off in the middle of the woods only to march back 4 1/2 miles in full gear, but considering all the stuff we had already accomplished, that was the easiest task to complete.

When I got home late on Friday, I went straight to the bar with the Boo. I have never wanted a drink so bad. The next day was preakness and had plans to meet up with friends at the track. When I woke up, I felt like I was hit by a truck. Everything hurt. I was covered in bruises from neck to feet. I could barely walk. Just thinking about the walk from the car to Philadelphia Park was stressing me out. I was in constant motion the whole time in Wisconsin. When I stopped moving, the pain set in. Even my ribs hurt. So I blew off any plans I had and me and the man went and got massages, and early dinner. I was passed out by 7pm and slept for 13 hrs. Woke up, had to handle business then back to work Monday. It seems like a blur.

Celebrated the boys Birthday. He's 20. OMG. Where does the time go? We had a great time. I love him so much and proud of the man he is. He has such a good heart and his head is on straight. He makes mistakes like everyone does, but he learns from them and moves on. I still worry about him. More now that he has a car. He's camping tonight with the camping gear I bought him for his Birthday. I totally hooked him up with anything he could need and it all fits into his trunk. He can bounce anytime and literally "set up camp". It must be so much fun to be 20, having the world by the balls and the freedom to live life to the fullest. I didn't get that opportunity. No regrets. I enjoy it so much more witnessing my boy experience it. Lucky him. Lucky me.

I could be doing a million fun things right now, but rest and sleep seem to be more important. Going surfing next weekend and a tough work week coming up. I did the Garden @ Urban Sanktuary yesterday. It's open for business. When the ivy comes in fully and the flowers grow and bloom, you will forget you're in Da Hood. It can be seen from the living room and makes my place 100% cuter.

I had to cancel the summer night classes I registered for. This mission I'm tasked to for the next 3 years is pretty hard core. The beginning stages will be chaotic, working sometimes 14-16 hour days. Later, the work load will settle down. I'll pick school up then. I will not deploy during these next 3 years. Without getting into it, if I have to go anywhere, it will be stateside. That's all I'm going to say about that.

All in all, life is good. Sun is shining, everyone I love is healthy, I feel almost back to normal. Registered for the Army Ten Miler in DC. So excited about that. I'm just gonna keep doing what I do. Wake up, be awesome, sleep, repeat.