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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Good news/Bad news

Who really knows? My baby is healthy and happy living at the beach. I'm standing by. Waiting for the good times. Today is better than yesterday, but tomorrow could be catastrophic. I half way breathe. Half way live. Waiting. This is my life. Didn't expect it. Didn't prepare for it. Have no escape or fix it plan. 
Today is Christmas. I spent all day by myself. I wanted it this way. I wanted to check out. One forced "Merry Christmas " call to the mother. Calls and texts with baby boy. Texts from well wishers. That's it. Good news is baby boy hit 100 days clean a couple days ago. He can never come back here. Ever. Not even for a visit. He found a new addiction. Working out. He never stepped foot in a gym until this go around. Fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness has been the focus of this recovery process. Meetings every day. Working in a swank spot. I am grateful for this gift. The anxiety is now a permanent part of me. I can't shake it. 
Went back and forth with the bf. I kept trying. Things were good sometimes and now things are very bad. As I stand now, I want absolutely no contact. Bull shit "Merry Christmas" text that went ignored. That only pissed me off. I was stupid again and funded the trip for the 2 of us to visit Michael next month. I paid airline, car rental, and hotel. Again. Not once has he ever taken me anywhere. I have paid for EVERY vaca or weekend away. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I would like him to be completely out of my life for 2015. Should be easy. I'm going to Afghanastan. I was also stupid enough to ask him to take care of things for me while I'm gone. Even asked for an in name only marriage. There is a substantial amount of money to be made if you're married. Plus I need a power of attorney. I will not give that to a bf. Of course he said "no". Said he didn't want to lose half his shit again. WTF! I don't want what he has! Proof in how I fund everything. I don't ever want to live under the same roof. So, bottom line, he will never be what I need him to be. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a support system for me. I can't count on him. But for some reason, I am always disappointed when I find out this hard lesson over and over again. Einstien's theory of insanity. 
Since last I wrote, Michael got clean and just for today, he is happy, clear headed, employed, working his program, supported by a community, focussed on getting what he lost back, planning to get back in school, and taking advantage of not being in Philly. 
I have been promoted again. It's pretty rare to make it to SSG in under 5 years. Haters gonna hate, but they're just fat and lazy shit bags. So fuck em. Got recommended for this dope, preteigious gig in AF. I'm nevous not because of going to a horrible country where they hate us. Or the stir crazy boredom I'll have to endure not being allowed outside the gate for 9 months. I'm nervous because I don't know the crew I'm going with. I've never met them. What if they suck and I have no escape? Luckily, being in JAG is intimidating to peeps. So I'm hoping that will make people behave appropriately towards me. 
I had to quit my job. That was tough. I've been working on this mission for 2 1/2 years already. I built my portion. I busted my ass to get my piece to where it is. It's done. I can pass it off to anyone. I am proud of the job I did. Built it from nothing . Now it's the SOP mission wide. We did great work together. There's nothing left for me to do. 
I need change. I can't be stagnant. I have to have a challenge. I have to complete stuff that most people never will. That is my motivation. When that tour is over, Philly will no longer be home. Perfect credit, no debt, and mad $$$ in the bank? I'm putting my ass in the sand too. This time I am really ready to break up with Philly. I find little to no joy here. Bad memories cloud any good ones. If my baby can't come here, it's no longer home. It's become a place I used to live. I just wish I could take my dope crib with me.