Good news/Bad news

Who really knows? My baby is healthy and happy living at the beach. I'm standing by. Waiting for the good times. Today is better than yesterday, but tomorrow could be catastrophic. I half way breathe. Half way live. Waiting. This is my life. Didn't expect it. Didn't prepare for it. Have no escape or fix it plan. 

Today is Christmas. I spent all day by myself. I wanted it this way. I wanted to check out. One forced "Merry Christmas " call to the mother. Calls and texts with baby boy. Texts from well wishers. That's it. Good news is baby boy hit 100 days clean a couple days ago. He can never come back here. Ever. Not even for a visit. He found a new addiction. Working out. He never stepped foot in a gym until this go around. Fitness, nutrition, and overall wellness has been the focus of this recovery process. Meetings every day. Working in a swank spot. I am grateful for this gift. The anxiety is now a permanent part of me. I can't shake it. 

Went back and forth with the bf. I kept trying. Things were good sometimes and now things are very bad. As I stand now, I want absolutely no contact. Bull shit "Merry Christmas" text that went ignored. That only pissed me off. I was stupid again and funded the trip for the 2 of us to visit Michael next month. I paid airline, car rental, and hotel. Again. Not once has he ever taken me anywhere. I have paid for EVERY vaca or weekend away. I didn't even get a card for my birthday. I would like him to be completely out of my life for 2015. Should be easy. I'm going to Afghanastan. I was also stupid enough to ask him to take care of things for me while I'm gone. Even asked for an in name only marriage. There is a substantial amount of money to be made if you're married. Plus I need a power of attorney. I will not give that to a bf. Of course he said "no". Said he didn't want to lose half his shit again. WTF! I don't want what he has! Proof in how I fund everything. I don't ever want to live under the same roof. So, bottom line, he will never be what I need him to be. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a support system for me. I can't count on him. But for some reason, I am always disappointed when I find out this hard lesson over and over again. Einstien's theory of insanity. 

Since last I wrote, Michael got clean and just for today, he is happy, clear headed, employed, working his program, supported by a community, focussed on getting what he lost back, planning to get back in school, and taking advantage of not being in Philly. 

I have been promoted again. It's pretty rare to make it to SSG in under 5 years. Haters gonna hate, but they're just fat and lazy shit bags. So fuck em. Got recommended for this dope, preteigious gig in AF. I'm nevous not because of going to a horrible country where they hate us. Or the stir crazy boredom I'll have to endure not being allowed outside the gate for 9 months. I'm nervous because I don't know the crew I'm going with. I've never met them. What if they suck and I have no escape? Luckily, being in JAG is intimidating to peeps. So I'm hoping that will make people behave appropriately towards me. 

I had to quit my job. That was tough. I've been working on this mission for 2 1/2 years already. I built my portion. I busted my ass to get my piece to where it is. It's done. I can pass it off to anyone. I am proud of the job I did. Built it from nothing . Now it's the SOP mission wide. We did great work together. There's nothing left for me to do. 

I need change. I can't be stagnant. I have to have a challenge. I have to complete stuff that most people never will. That is my motivation. When that tour is over, Philly will no longer be home. Perfect credit, no debt, and mad $$$ in the bank? I'm putting my ass in the sand too. This time I am really ready to break up with Philly. I find little to no joy here. Bad memories cloud any good ones. If my baby can't come here, it's no longer home. It's become a place I used to live. I just wish I could take my dope crib with me. 

I'll try to focus on the light

The boy reached out a week ago. I haven't heard his voice in 6 months. He's sick, but I see a glimmer of hope. He is hating his situation. No one would like the life he lives. I just keep repeating "you're bag is packed. I picked a facility. I will come get you right now". 

Many excuses not to go. I just repeat the same thing. I explain we have nothing to talk about until he's ready to get help. I send a text every morning that says something to the effect of "great day to get clean" or at night "you could wake up tomorrow with day one down". Sometimes he answers me. Sometimes not. I do not engage in his tales if woe. I just keep repeating the same shit. I see a light. I need to keep it up. 

I got another promotion. Staff Sergeant (SSG) Kelly. It's pretty rare to get to this rank in less than 5 years of service. I out rank people who have been in for 15+ years. So I am expecting some haters. Theses haters are either fat, lazy, or flagged. Can't or won't put in a promotion packet for one of those reasons. But they'll have plenty of reasons why I don't deserve it. Over 100 people have sent me kind words of "Congrats". They were genuine sentiments. That I am grateful for. Also more money and more power with a side of bragging rights ain't bad either. I like my new rank. Now I need to focus on getting the next one. 

I ended up getting refunded for purchases that I wasn't satisfied with totaling $500 that I was not expecting. That was pretty dope. 

My new running shoes just came. I'm excited to test them in the morning. I can already tell my performance will improve because of the fit. It's the little things I guess. 

So, this is the first time I wrote in the longest that I was not an anxiety ridden mess. So? Grateful for that too. 

Never get used to disappointment

After this year and this lifetime, I would think the blows would be a little softer. Why when things are at their worst, do the hits keep coming? I know when you're positive, positive things happen. Same goes on the flip side. But how do you find joy when your baby is an active addict? I sit in limbo waiting for him to die or to live. My life stands still. I isolate and only interact with a handful of people. I try to keep it moving, fake the funk. Hide this tragedy because talking leads to waterworks. I am a vampire. 

That being said, I am finding people I loved and cherished are nothing more than another let down. Without even being around. Without interaction, I am betrayed. Hurt. By people who do not even know the situation. Is it because my sparkle is gone? I don't know. I do know that this is a miserable existence, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Then again, even if they did the right thing by me, it wouldn't make a difference. I'm not interested in coffee clutches or happy hours. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. 

Thank you again universe. 

Date

I had one. I fucked it up. I was so nervous. I didn't/couldn't eat. Add alcohol. = disaster. I'm an ass. I can only laugh about it. Too bad tho. He was cute and funny. No kids. All his hair. Damn. I am not ready for this. But I'm so lonely. I want to make out with a hottie. Snuggle up to a new guy. Feel giddy. We'll see how long it will take for me to do this again. Uuuggghh

Just had to make a list

#Update! 12/11/2016....

I went back! Took more of the same only with more intensity. More Hatred and Anger directed at me. Why did I not know my worth? It took until 06/2016, almost 2 years after this post to finally be done. I was so beat down that I probably was begging for more. I no longer allow anyone to say anything to me that doesn't benefit me. The problem here was he was my best friend. It took it to a whole different level. No one knew me better. No one hurt me more. I wish him well. He needs help. He won't get it. Ever. He will die alone. That makes me sad. He's no longer handsome or charming. He no longer has a hold on me. He no longer holds any weight. It's a shame. I wish things could have been different. We could have been a great team. Impossible with the damage in him and the damage he's caused in me. I own my mistakes. I'm mad at myself for letting it go on for as long as it did. I was hopeful I'd get my friend back. So stupid. All the put downs, humiliation, fights? All that I gave and he took? All the heartache and disappointment? Has brought me to this:

I am worth something! 

I am a mother

Soldier

Educated

Caring

I own real estate

I am traveled

I have people who love me

I accomplish shit

I have a retirement plan

I have 2 places to live

I am respected

I am loyal

I am funny

I am smart

I am a total hottie

And soooooo much more

He was lucky to have me

Reasons we broke up and should stay that way:

1. His wants/needs/problems are bigger than me and mine

2. He says things that hurt me. Makes no apologies

3. He invents problems. Imagines I am someone I'm not, doing things I didn't do. I defend myself

4. He is very angry

5. He can't show me kindness or understanding even if I beg

6. He makes me feel like I deserve abuse

7. He throws me away and makes sure I know I'm worthless and unloved

8. He has told me to kill myself when I was already on the ledge

9. He never made a plan, booked a trip, took me anywhere

10. I paid a lot

11. I went to bed sad often

12. He started talking to me like I was shit in front of other people

13. Xmas I spoiled his kids. He got me and mine crap from 5 and below

14. He abuses me through text. Makes threats. Tries to force me to admit to things I would never do

15. His perception of a situation is so off base and crazy. I would never know what set him off. I would have a wrath to deal with if he imagined I threw the remote at him, or he didn't like my answer

16. He calls me names like "pig" ,"whore", and "cunt"

17. He stopped seeing me as his friend and treated me like an enemy

18. He stopped holding my hand in public

19. He screamed at me often

20. Would NEVER listen. Wether it was verbally, thru text, or email, he would not hear me. He was always right. I was always wrong. I spent too much time saying "that's not what happened"

21. I cried a lot the last few months. Sobbing, broken, cries. It made him meaner

22. He punished me often. Needed me to know that I was an awful person

23. What I needed was never considered. And all I needed was compassion

24. My last birthday, as I was driving in a storm, he screamed at me on the way to meet friends for dinner. I pretended to be fine, then I paid for him too

25. I took him away for an entire week. I planned it. Paid for it. And drove the 10 hours one way. He still managed to ruin it. Started a horrible fight after he went fishing all day ( the only time he paid for anything), on the way to a couples massage I was paying for. Jumped out of the car and left me. Never even said "thank you"

26. After a break for a little, grape flavored vodka showed up in his house. He had many excuses on how it got there. None of which were the truth. I wasn't mad that he had a young piece of white trash over. (No decent woman would drink that swill) it was the last straw in how he handled it. He screamed at me loud enough for all the neighbors to hear, called me names, and discarded me for the last time. That was it. I was finally done. He had made it exactly 3 days before doing everything he said he wouldn't do again. 

27. He yelled at me on Xmas eve in front of my son to "shut the fuck up" because I said "shhhhh" after he was banging stuff and woke us up. Michael and I laid there in the basement, wide awake. Feeling so uncomfortable. Unwelcome. Hated. The next morning when Michael and I got out of his and the kids way, and went upstairs while they opened their gifts, he threw the cheap gifts he got, at us. Merry Christmas to us. Later, I drove Michael to his family's, and I went to my friends house, he went on to tell me how I ruin every holiday. I believe I was called a "cunt" that day too. 

I needed to write it out. Sometimes your brain only shows the good memories. Adjusting to the single life is hard. Being with a man that makes you feel so unloved is worse. I haven't cried since I left him that day. Since, I found out I'm getting promoted. I started my next level of military education. I booked a solo yoga retreat. I may be getting a part time roommate putting my finances  in a better spot. Looking into real estate investing. Going to therapy faithfully. I still haven't come close to a date. I don't know when I'll feel ok about that. I really don't care. I want my son back. I have no control over that. I could control what I allow in my life. I needed support. Someone to lean on. 

I used to think that if he knew how much he hurt me, he would stop. I now know he knew how much I hurt. Those tears and words were real. He didn't care. He liked to watch me fall. He believed I deserved it. He got stronger after each incident. It didn't kill me, so he kept on. I think he was seeing just how much I could take before I broke. He got close. I really investigated ways to stop myself from ever waking up. I found ways to leave a pretty corpse, but by the time anyone knew I was missing, I wouldn't be so pretty. I need to feel better. I don't need more weight when I'm drowning. I was begging for a life raft and he was throwing anvils. The last conversation we had was over a week ago. After 2 weeks of ignoring insulting, degrading texts I was ready to block him at the suggestion of my shrink. I was a bag of anxiety. I use my phone as an alarm clock. The days before it was one manipulation after another. "Tell me you fucked him and I'll leave you alone". I almost wanted to say I did, but that's what he wanted and I wasn't about to admit to something I didn't do, to give him more ammunition.  I ignored and deleted every text so I wouldn't have to keep seeing his disgusting words. So 4:20 am comes around, alarm goes off and "you're a fucking pig" are the first words I see. You really don't know just how much that effects you until you start to talk about it. I didn't know how I carry it around. I told my shrink about it. I don't really speak of him much. I didn't want her to know exactly how much I took. She suggested I block him. That I need to save myself right now. That wasn't love and how much that is weighing me down during a time I need to be lifted up. I never blocked anyone before. I waited for the next text and I would do it. Nothing. For over a week. Then the "miss you" love you" bs texts start coming. I continue to ignore it. The phone rings and I answer.

 I had made a point months before that I will not engage In stupid fights and attacks via text. That it was cowardly. If you can't say it, don't bother. So out of respect and the rule I made, I answered the phone. I don't even remember what he said. I do remember the humility in his voice. A different approach then his previous failed attempts. No anger. The loving voice. I didn't budge. I was strong. No more contact. No calls. No texts. Nothing. I will block you from getting to me. I don't care to hear your side anymore. It doesn't matter. I will not be made to feel like the lowest form of life by the dude who "loves" me. I don't care what or who you do. You are not my problem anymore. I'm no longer yours. I don't love you. You've made it impossible. Go away. 

A couple more texts saying he didn't cheat in me. I never said he did. Never made that an issue. But he would never admit to being wrong, so defend yourself against something I could give a shit about? Again, heard nothing I ever said. I ignored those texts too. And... That was it. Peace.  One week and one day of peace. Aaaahhhhhhhhh.

I feel better again...

Meds

I'm not sure if the meds have finally started working, or time, in fact heals? But the panic, heartbreak, anxiety is not here today. Things are still the same. I can't say I'm happy. I will say I don't need to talk myself off a ledge today. 

I was looking at my "favorite ex boyfriend's" fb page. He's a dad now, making wedding plans. I feel nothing but happiness for him. I got a text earlier from a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. He's engaged to his longtime boyfriend. I've paid attention to his growth and happiness over the past couple years, and I had genuine joy for him. I can be happy for people. I didn't think I could. Not with the sadness that is my reality. It feels good not to feel bad for a minute at a time. 

I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. I don't care. Small victory today.

Last Half

I completed another Half Marathon in Wildwood Nj. My time was bad, of course I'm hurting today, but reality was not part of the weekend. 

I found us a house close to the boardwalk and start line. We had family dinner, rode some rides, bar hopped, and all made it across the finish line. Friendships were made, there were some "good byes", lots of laughs, and no mention of my life and hardships. 

I needed this escape. I felt good the entire time. Except the actual running part. That sucks. The reason for this being my last? I knew 2 weeks ago, after running the Broad Street Run, that it is time for me to check my ego and face the facts. I'm too old for this. Shit hurts. Not just the normal pain you get from working out, bone/ joint pain. Recovery takes longer. My performance ain't what it used to be.I love the bonding, but the bragging rights go away when each run takes longer and longer to cross that line.  

Here I am. Back in my bed. Dreading my life and what tomorrow brings. Waiting for these meds to take effect. I was told 2 weeks to 30 days. 2 more days to reach 2 weeks. I can't imagine what they'll do. I was always against drugs. Believed I was supposed to feel everything. 2 docs disagree. No one is supposed to feel this pain 24-7. My hair is turning grey over night. My worry lines get deeper by the minute. I have no plans for the future. I don't care about tomorrow. Just exist one second at a time. I wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up. I had a good life. Key word being "had". If this is how my remaining days are going to pan out? There's no point in this. I am just taking up space. 

No title

I can't think of how to begin or how to end or what goes in between. I'll never get used to people you trust stabbing you in the back. Always seems to come when you're at your lowest. Blindsided. Like... WTF? Then you find who is really your friend. In your darkest hours. 

Things are the worst they can be. I shouldn't say that. I'm begging for more weight with that statement. I will never forgive or forget how some showed their true colors during this time. I'm defeated. Ok life, you win. I'm crying "UNCLE"! I'm tapping out. I submit.

On medication for sleep. Medication to get out of bed. Medication to hold a thought. This is a miserable existence. I'm not sure how much longer I can go through the motions. Lights are on but nobody is home. This is not depression, it's devastation. Agony that has no end. I am good to no one. I can't even save myself. Stay away from me. I'm drowning and may pull you under with me. 

All difficult times in my life had an ending. I could adjust to make the magic happen. I have no control of this. It controls me. I can't fix it. It's killing me. 

4 day weekend

other than running a lot, working out, errands, i got nothing. i guess i could have tried to make a plan, but i didnt. it didnt dawn on me until the drive home from work today. wow, i am alone. no happy hours, no dinners, no fun. a part of me is bored and the other part doesnt want to be bothered. the boy is at work, getting on with his life. i work so hard and look forward to time off. i feel like time is standing still. i wish i could flip the script. i have no motivation. i am wasting my life.

reaching out

i did something for the 1st time yesterday. i went to speak to a therapist. the irish do not go to doctors, let alone a shrink. i did my research and found someone who deals with all the things im going thru. i need coping skills with all thats happened in this past year. ive been through a war. i have battle scars. the boys addiction & recovery, the break up, the move, my work, and recovering from an injury that set me back and helped put weight on me. im not happy. im not getting happy. i cant do it on my own. i need to learn how to start over. get it back. sleep again. breathe. relax. like myself. forgive. trust. end the pain. be proud again. look forward to tomorrow, instead of looking forward to ending today. life has never been easy. i never expected it to be. but this is something i am not strong enough to handle. finally found my breaking point.

i like her. i felt safe. i not only dont talk to docs, i dont really talk to anybody. i rarely ask for help. i dont want to seem weak. she is trying to convince me to tell those around me that im struggling. that i have mad anxiety. that sometimes i dont sleep. i cant make plans. i isolate myself. i cling to the boy, and when hes not around, i panic. that is not a way to live. i have aged 10 yrs in 10 months. she thinks i have support around me. im not so sure.

i am still fucked up about the break up. still my logical brain knows its right, but my heart hurts as if someone is squeezing it. it will never get easy to find out that they are not the person you thought they were. that you were more invested. you gave it all, and it wasnt returned. i remember in the beginning stages of this thing. when it was easy to walk away from it. when my logical brain was saying "get out! this is not for you! run and dont look back!". why didnt i listen to my logical brain> why am i so stupid. here i am. in the dark. in my room. isolating because i feel like i have nothing to offer to the world. that behind my fake smile, everyone can see just how damaged i am. i cant even fake it this time. i reek of failure.

she wants to medicate me. just for a short time. to take the "edge" off. i am not a fan of masking feelings. i am a firm believer that you are supposed to feel everything. good. bad. indifferent. she believes that this is not normal. that i cant begin to heal until i can get a clear head and just exhale. that until i can start to get better, i need a little help. im still sitting on this. i do not want to be medicated. im afraid of it. i dont want a quick fix. i want to feel better, but i want to do the work. i need tools, not band aids. ill need to do some research before i make up my mind.

i cant even grasp what its like to be happy, worry free, content, comfortable in my skin again. i try to remember the feeling, but i cant. i know it happened. i can see the images in my head. i just cant feel the feelings. my memories of good times feel like im watching other people. not me and mine. like a movie. even now, i feel like i have 1000 lbs weighing on my chest. and my thought process is in slow motion. im forcing myself to write so i have a reference for later. maybe my medicated self will need to remember, or my happy self could know what to run from. i dont know. i do know that tomorrow comes. hamster wheel all over again.

missing my bff

its now 2 weeks since we ended. it feels worse, but i know its right. i just want the 1st year- year and a half back. it cant be fixed. but when youre feeling this heartache, you forget the reasons for the ending. i dont see this hurt going away for a long time. im not interested in dating. not even a tiny bit. im running more. i have an interview to start school again tomorrow. i need some yoga.

if i am busy doing good things, i cant forget for a minute at a time. this weekend, michael and i hung out with his cousin (she's my age) and her friends. totally different crew. it was nice to be a stranger. we also walked 8 miles sightseeing in our new hood. visited his gmom, and it felt good. i am coming back around, but i miss my best friend.

i dont believe in soul mates. i believe time heals all wounds. i know what we had was more real than anything i was ever involved in. i also know some problems can not be fixed but can definitely be magnified. we have different paths. resentments get stronger when you cant follow your path, because you are walking their road. And vice versa. we all deserve the life we want. pain is temporary. that lesson we all learned by this point.

i hope i get the urge to date in the next few months. im sure hes already stepped out. thats what he does. but i cant imagine being close to anyone. the thought of it is such a turn off. but im 41. time is not on my side. before i know it, my time on earth will be up. do i want to exit alone> right now, that sounds just fine.

negativity

i noticed my posts for the last year have not been fun or funny. that isnt me. but truth be told, i just struggled with the worst year of my life. and a bunch of ass holes around me didnt help.

what i never mentioned during all my rants and tales of woe, was the most gut wrenching thing. i didnt want to write about it because then it was too real to put in black n white. also, people do not understand and will judge. throw accusations and blame when really if you know anything about it, or have dealt with it yourself, you would know we cant cause, cure or control it.

my son is a recovering addict.

everything was in chaos. i dealt with it like any mother would. i tried to scream it out, barter it out, bribe it out. i held him thru a detox. nursed him back to health. believed his lies. cried myself to sleep, if i slept at all. i prayed when i knew there was no one paying attention. i trolled the streets looking for him. i tried everything. even believed his lies when i knew he was lying. not my baby. everybody experiments. this is just a phase. he will just stop.

not even close.

he lost everything.

school, family, friends, every single belonging. he robbed us. all of us. grandparents, even great grandparents and an 11 yr old's piggy bank. stared us in the face and told us "it wasnt me". until that last straw when i faced him with prison or rehab. he finally broke. knowing he was now homeless. no where to turn. i had threatened every last family member that if they "helped" him in anyway, they will have me to deal with. surprisingly, they all complied. they all love him so much they wanted him back.

that night, september 9th, he checked into a 30 day program at 2am, one day after i had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. after spending 10 hours getting him there. i remember every second of that day. i slept for the first time that night.

let me tell you how he got there.

mutha, fucking, evil, opiates. it is an epidemic. what i have learned through this unwanted learning process, is that our young, educated men are being stolen from us. they are no match. as michael will openly tell you, it was literally overnight. one day he was trying percocet, the next thing he knew he couldnt function without it. but it had progressed so quickly. a simple perc went to oxys. he smoked them. i didnt even know that was possible.

when i stayed with him through his first detox, i was stupid enough to think the worst was over. the opiate withdraw is not days, its months. after the flu, and the pain, comes the insomnia that is relentless. he would beg me for nyquil or anything so he could just go to sleep. i refused him. i explained that he needs to do this on his own. what we learned is he couldnt. oh, by the way. that is how i spent my mothers day weekend.

he got it at his 30 day program. he made friends that he "loved" in days. sadly, most of them are already using, dead, or back in a program. he has no circle of friends anymore. he was the most popular kid always in his old life. he went to a sober living house that i funded. it was for men 18-24. a gorgeous 100 yr old mansion. take a guess of who occupied it. all white, college educated, (some ivy league), middle class, smart, loving, good kids. same boat as my boy.

the house was very strict. no fucking around. perfect place for him. except he couldnt tell them jesus christ was his lord and savior. he couldnt just play the game. michael left there after 6 weeks to be in a roommate situation with kids he knew from rehab. 3 guesses how that works out. 2 out of the 4 fell off the wagon, big time. michael was in a panic. what belongings he had left were boarded up in the house when they were evicted due to the rent not being paid in 3 months. all the while, he is keeping me posted, holding down his job, and keeping upbeat.

we get to the here and now. we are "roommates". im trying to make him a more responsible man. still has his job. clean, just for today, but that's it. back to playing video games. isolates and reads books, (not a bad thing). but not growing. just existing. still entitled which is where my struggle comes in. yeah, im proud of him for staying clean, but he cannot just do the one day at a time sitting on my couch. its time he starts living again.

my anxiety has not let up for one second. when his phone is off, i freak. when he goes to the store, i worry he'll run into someone. i have PTSD from this and it is very real. i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy the pain i went through watching my son dying. but bringing everyone down with him. being a complete piece of shit you wouldnt stop to piss on if he was on fire.

i talked to no one and still dont. my relationship suffered because i was alone in dealing with it while i was with someone. that feels 10xs more alone then actually being alone. the ex wife dumping the kids on us more and more. i didnt want to be with the kids!!! im a fucking mess. we never bounced back. we most likely never will.

so if all my posts in 2013 we on the negative tip, this is why. during all my other annoyances and break downs, i was dealing with this. still do. every second of every day. i took offense to ass holes contributing to my hard time. i was fighting for my boys life and my own sanity. my son got his life, im pretty sure what little bit of sanity i had is long gone.

we had a long talk tonight. i tried to make him understand what effects this had on me. how i dont know how to get back to happy. how i need him to behave in certain ways so i dont suspect the worst. how, yeah, being clean for 6 months is awesome, but that isnt enough. i understand he has to start all over and its scary. but he has to start. he is young and gorgeous, and smart, and sensitive, and compassionate. i shouldnt be the only person to know this.

side note... FDA has just approved a stronger opiate to release on the market. if there is no conspiracy, why stronger dosage<

and i exhale

i am in the new spot and its awesome. i slept on saturday night for the 1st time in months. in my own bed. it was fantastic. a funny change of events happened... i dont think were breaking up anymore. not today anyway. he helped us move. was more than gracious, all the while believing we were done. as soon as all my shit is in place, it would be the last time we would hang out. then the switch. i was happy. happy like before i made the mistake of moving in to their house. with all the bad juju of the christmas past. all the resentment gone. it felt like before.

i need my space. my own life. with girl friends and yoga. i have 3 closets in my bedroom. one is just for shoes. i dont have to share shit. i dont have to hide from the kids. they are adorable, but not mine. i dont want to be bothered. that is not my scene. i never wanted to get attached or involved. i dont have to do homework anymore. i dont have to cook or pack lunches. when i get home from work, i need to veg. NEED to. i dont get as much free time as their mother. then again, no one does.


who knows what will be next. i have work this weekend and a couple soldiers from out of town will be crashing here. using the pool and spa. we'll drink wine and have grownup conversations. their will be no children in sight.

selfish bitch

i know i have gone on rants about this before and retracted what i wrote out of guilt, but this time it stands. you are a fucking, pathetic, excuse for a mother. how do you justify seeing your kids 4-5 days a month. disgusting pig.

i am so embarrassed for you. i feel horrible for the 3 kids you crapped out and decided your free time is more valuable then actually raising them. how do you justify it< dont your friends ask about them< how do you look at yourself in the mirror<

how dare you take the time to show your face to drop off cupcakes for your boys bday< gross. did your boyfriend give you an extra special strong dickin' that night< because my sex life has been non existent because you never have your kids. bitch.

my gloves are off. finally out of this dump that used to be yours. away from your offspring. i want to punch you 10 xs in the face. and i just might. i have nothing to lose. my life here will soon be a distant memory, but this feeling of hatred i have for you will stay. you should be ashamed of your whore self. fuck you.

8 days until "home"

8 more days until i am "home". my home. with my things. in my bed. i swear this has been the longest month of my life. today it hurts more than usual. i don't know why. it comes in waves. sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, and moments of compassion. today it is all sadness. tears are right there. ready to fall with any pull of the trigger. i am fragile. why does everything have to end>

every relationship starts off great. if it didn't it wouldnt become a relationship. well, in my world anyway. this one was so different. i had been even more happy than i ever remembered. now im the saddest i can ever remember.

when my ex husband and i broke up, i was devastated. no one gets married planning on getting a divorce. divorce is evil. turns good people bad. the beautiful, ugly. i lost 30 lbs and lost my mind along the way. it took me years to build back up to something i could be proud of. years. many mistakes. self medicating. destructive behavior. then i turned a corner. i only want to be great. i need to love myself so i can give love back. i did. everyday i saw as an opportunity to kick ass. it was spring and summer at all times in my head. i walked to a beat of a different drummer. bounced to imagined funky bass. kick in my step that told people i was having a good time. people noticed. i had a gravitational pull.

one thing i always new about my ex husband and my relationship was we did not fit. it never felt natural. we were from different planets. we had a connection that was very real at the time. looking back, i should have known. it still fucked me up. i disappeared from everyone who knew me and started over. like i said, it took years, but i found my place in the world. with people i love. eliminated those who didn't serve me. which was a large number of hangers on. fly by night nobodies. popularity with no substance. i turned off the chaos, and looked inside. i reinvented myself. but i didnt change me. just my course and actions. and the world became my oyster.

men were not a focus. i always had them. filled in the gaps, and saved me from boredom. i know theyre there now, but i cant even imagine being with anyone. today it hurts. bad. my chest feels like its going to crack. 8 days until i'm "home".

i have been isolated in this house full of people. never so uncomfortable in my life. just me, my iphone, my laptop, and the tv. i went on a dating website just to see what was out there. occupy the time. my profile lasted a day and a half. i got 75 messages, 400+ people checking in on my shit, 200 people "liked" me, and i saw at least 10 people i already knew. one being my cousins recent ex husband of 20 yrs, a man i dated already when i lived in cc, friends from the neighborhood and a boy i used to work with. these were the people who visited my page. uuugggghhhhh. gross. curiosity over.

even if there was a catch out there, i dont want to know him. i have to be a catch first. i have to love me again. i dont even know who i am. what i want. where ill be. i just want the pain to stop. i cant fall apart like i did 10 yrs ago when the ex husband and i split. at the very least, i learned what not to do. this time i will throw myself into positive activities. hopefully, when i realize the hurt is gone, i will have a few accomplishments under my belt. right now i just have to get through these next 8 days.

i wish he knew how im feeling. or i wish he felt what i do. i wish this year was a bad dream and we could wake up and be awesome again. i wish i didnt remember the great times so i could walk away with ease. i wish for a lot. i wish for peace in my heart, a clear head, the motivation to get up, and a happy ending.

instead it is an ending with no happiness. nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.

"everything is everything

what will be will be"... Lauren Hill

going through a break up is something i should be used to by now. I have broken up with everyone. I always know there will be an end. Nothing good lasts. Why is this one fucking me up more than others<

It was the best relationship I ever had. WAS. It was a great almost 2 yrs. Then it became work. Less fun. More misery. Hurt feelings that never repaired. Punished for sins of the past. Insanity at it's finest. I spent most of this last year not knowing what he was talking about. Defending myself. Saying "That's not what happened" more than I care to remember. Somewhere along the line, I was no longer his best friend. Love of his life. I was the bitch. The wife. He anticipated conflict where there was none. We were so happy. Talked about it often. I had even suggested counseling when times were great, just to keep them great. What happened>

I really didn't ask for much. Just be nice to me. I realize I'm a handful. I am by far easy. He knew this going in. Somewhere along the line, he turned a corner. I had to be punished. Made me hurt. Things that can never be taken back. Suspicions that have no foundation. Not the jealousy kind. The kind that believed I wanted to "win". Get over on him. Change him. Cause him some kind of pain or hardship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stayed consistent. I gave and gave until it was expected. He stopped doing anything that involved making me feel happy or welcome. I was a guest in his life, after I gave up what I knew for him. Isolated from my people. No classes, no yoga, no happy hours. I was just existing waiting for him to be nice.

It hurt so much more coming from him. I've been beat up and put down by every dude I've ever been with. Which is why I was happily single for all that time. When I was single, I was learning, growing, and doing all the time. Even during out first 2 yrs, I traveled or was engaged in other things. Moving in was the dumbest thing. But to be honest, it had already started to get bad when I moved in. I should have kept him at arms length. Then this wouldn't hurt so bad. I am broken. Again. I will never trust anyone. That was the last chance for me. I took a leap of faith with a dude who had all the things I didn't want. Kids. Blue collar gig, living in my old hood, and horrible Philly accent. I couldn't get enough of him. He got too comfortable. Not only stopped trying, he wanted to prove that I am disposable. Like every single person who told me they "loved" me.

I have no interest at this point in dating or men in general. I am living in a ridiculously pimp pad in 15 days. Taking some spring\summer classes. Yoga all the time. Gym in my building, so 2 a days is a given. Going back to seeing plays and reading books. I'm not worried at all about being "alone". I welcome it, because I have never been so alone in my life. It is gonna take a while for the pain to stop. I will fake it until I make it. Every things gone be alright.

tick tock

i have a pattern. i stay way too long in something that does not suit me anymore. maybe i think that its just a rough patch, it will turn around. or maybe i just get so wrapped up in chaos, my brain doesnt function correctly. that seems to make more sense to me.

i freeze. shut down and try to wait for the storm to pass. sometimes it doesnt pass. being caught in the eye of the storm is a permanent situation. eventually, ill un-freeze. put on my rain gear and fancy rain boots and get to where the sun shines. somewhere, the sun is shining. this is truth.

i went back to work yesterday after almost 2 weeks off. work is very stressful. lots of responsibility and bull shit. i counted the minutes until my HOLLAday vaca. other than New Years Eve and New Years Day, my time off sucked. i work too hard to waste any minute of free time not being a happy, productive, learning, growing, bad ass biotch. that is what i do. and grass has grown under my feet. shame on me. that time i can not recover. i can never say never, but i will say lesson learned. no more worrying about anyone else. get me back to where i need to be. crushing skulls and making history.

i cannot wait until 01 FEB. connecting with my friends and my life again, high atop the city. looking out to new possibilities and old comfy feelings. meeting interesting, new, people in uncharted territory. steps away from old stomping grounds, but surrounded by unknown. whatever the universe holds for me, i am so ready to get at it. i wish i could blink my eyes and it be the day.

the "new crib" party planned, complete with DJ, cocktail menu, and guest list. i will make it an early evening shin dig so not to piss off my new neighbors and possible new BFFs! tick tock tick tock... almost party time.