going through a break up is something i should be used to by now. I have broken up with everyone. I always know there will be an end. Nothing good lasts. Why is this one fucking me up more than others<
It was the best relationship I ever had. WAS. It was a great almost 2 yrs. Then it became work. Less fun. More misery. Hurt feelings that never repaired. Punished for sins of the past. Insanity at it's finest. I spent most of this last year not knowing what he was talking about. Defending myself. Saying "That's not what happened" more than I care to remember. Somewhere along the line, I was no longer his best friend. Love of his life. I was the bitch. The wife. He anticipated conflict where there was none. We were so happy. Talked about it often. I had even suggested counseling when times were great, just to keep them great. What happened>
I really didn't ask for much. Just be nice to me. I realize I'm a handful. I am by far easy. He knew this going in. Somewhere along the line, he turned a corner. I had to be punished. Made me hurt. Things that can never be taken back. Suspicions that have no foundation. Not the jealousy kind. The kind that believed I wanted to "win". Get over on him. Change him. Cause him some kind of pain or hardship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I stayed consistent. I gave and gave until it was expected. He stopped doing anything that involved making me feel happy or welcome. I was a guest in his life, after I gave up what I knew for him. Isolated from my people. No classes, no yoga, no happy hours. I was just existing waiting for him to be nice.
It hurt so much more coming from him. I've been beat up and put down by every dude I've ever been with. Which is why I was happily single for all that time. When I was single, I was learning, growing, and doing all the time. Even during out first 2 yrs, I traveled or was engaged in other things. Moving in was the dumbest thing. But to be honest, it had already started to get bad when I moved in. I should have kept him at arms length. Then this wouldn't hurt so bad. I am broken. Again. I will never trust anyone. That was the last chance for me. I took a leap of faith with a dude who had all the things I didn't want. Kids. Blue collar gig, living in my old hood, and horrible Philly accent. I couldn't get enough of him. He got too comfortable. Not only stopped trying, he wanted to prove that I am disposable. Like every single person who told me they "loved" me.
I have no interest at this point in dating or men in general. I am living in a ridiculously pimp pad in 15 days. Taking some spring\summer classes. Yoga all the time. Gym in my building, so 2 a days is a given. Going back to seeing plays and reading books. I'm not worried at all about being "alone". I welcome it, because I have never been so alone in my life. It is gonna take a while for the pain to stop. I will fake it until I make it. Every things gone be alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment