8 days until "home"

8 more days until i am "home". my home. with my things. in my bed. i swear this has been the longest month of my life. today it hurts more than usual. i don't know why. it comes in waves. sadness, loneliness, anger, regret, and moments of compassion. today it is all sadness. tears are right there. ready to fall with any pull of the trigger. i am fragile. why does everything have to end>

every relationship starts off great. if it didn't it wouldnt become a relationship. well, in my world anyway. this one was so different. i had been even more happy than i ever remembered. now im the saddest i can ever remember.

when my ex husband and i broke up, i was devastated. no one gets married planning on getting a divorce. divorce is evil. turns good people bad. the beautiful, ugly. i lost 30 lbs and lost my mind along the way. it took me years to build back up to something i could be proud of. years. many mistakes. self medicating. destructive behavior. then i turned a corner. i only want to be great. i need to love myself so i can give love back. i did. everyday i saw as an opportunity to kick ass. it was spring and summer at all times in my head. i walked to a beat of a different drummer. bounced to imagined funky bass. kick in my step that told people i was having a good time. people noticed. i had a gravitational pull.

one thing i always new about my ex husband and my relationship was we did not fit. it never felt natural. we were from different planets. we had a connection that was very real at the time. looking back, i should have known. it still fucked me up. i disappeared from everyone who knew me and started over. like i said, it took years, but i found my place in the world. with people i love. eliminated those who didn't serve me. which was a large number of hangers on. fly by night nobodies. popularity with no substance. i turned off the chaos, and looked inside. i reinvented myself. but i didnt change me. just my course and actions. and the world became my oyster.

men were not a focus. i always had them. filled in the gaps, and saved me from boredom. i know theyre there now, but i cant even imagine being with anyone. today it hurts. bad. my chest feels like its going to crack. 8 days until i'm "home".

i have been isolated in this house full of people. never so uncomfortable in my life. just me, my iphone, my laptop, and the tv. i went on a dating website just to see what was out there. occupy the time. my profile lasted a day and a half. i got 75 messages, 400+ people checking in on my shit, 200 people "liked" me, and i saw at least 10 people i already knew. one being my cousins recent ex husband of 20 yrs, a man i dated already when i lived in cc, friends from the neighborhood and a boy i used to work with. these were the people who visited my page. uuugggghhhhh. gross. curiosity over.

even if there was a catch out there, i dont want to know him. i have to be a catch first. i have to love me again. i dont even know who i am. what i want. where ill be. i just want the pain to stop. i cant fall apart like i did 10 yrs ago when the ex husband and i split. at the very least, i learned what not to do. this time i will throw myself into positive activities. hopefully, when i realize the hurt is gone, i will have a few accomplishments under my belt. right now i just have to get through these next 8 days.

i wish he knew how im feeling. or i wish he felt what i do. i wish this year was a bad dream and we could wake up and be awesome again. i wish i didnt remember the great times so i could walk away with ease. i wish for a lot. i wish for peace in my heart, a clear head, the motivation to get up, and a happy ending.

instead it is an ending with no happiness. nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.