yeah, so phillies...

so a sports fan i am not. i gave it a shot this week. phillies on the way to the world series. hopefully. but i hate the game. love the fans. love the party. but how much importance placed on it? nah
the stress of it is too much for me. with all life has to throw at ya, i cant add being on the edge of my seat. stressing about a win? i just want it over. win or lose. my heart cant take it.

race

ran my first race in 5 years today. i didnt do that well. but it is my first. so thats to be expected. it was a beautiful day. im running under a 10 minute mile. which is slow to most people. but good for me considering i have to run 2 miles in 20 minutes for the army.

down in the dumps. super low. then i met a woman.

we started chatting. 1st about the weather and how we wish it would stay. then on to much deeper and heavier shit.

she is a beautiful black woman. she told me she was 64. but doesnt look a day over 45. natural braids and perfect skin. shes an artist. plays the cello. 2 grown boys. living her life. not answering to anyone. doing what she loves.

she must have been able to sense my pain, even thru my smile and pleasantries. she went on to spit wisdom to me. her kind and gentle spirit was so soothing. all i kept thinking is, if there is a jesus, he lives in her.

she has this gift of making you feel like its going to be ok. and for the brief time in her presence, i believed it. she reminded me that "its always darkest before the dawn". she went thru dark times that no one would believe. and she was not willing to share. she assured me, thru chaos, comes calm. i dont even know her name.

she reminded me of many other life lessons that during these times, you somehow forget. this is one of those times, the kindness of a stranger impacted me. i will never forget her. i love her. and dont know her. i hope one day to be her.

if there is a god, i hope he sends more positive people my way. people who want nothing from me. people i can learn from. strive to be.

thanks to the universe for this small gift that had a huge impact. namaste

gonna jet

im getting outta here. doing something crazy. but crazier not to do it. taking the ultimate risk. gambling with my life. but what kind of life is this to lose? what legacy would i leave? nothing i would be proud of. except the boy. he'll be fine no matter what. he's strong, smart, independent. i raised him already. he has his own wings. i hope he flies. but i have no control over that. his life. his choices. but i have a feeling, as bright as his future is, i think he'll do the philly thing, and not reach his potential because its easier not to.
i have nothing here. but painful shit. im running away. i know this. but sometimes you have to. so, im running into the us army. crazy
war time. me? peace loving. bed wetting liberal. mad at the state of this country and the dire straights of its people. but i am one of those people. lost. no future. no help. no chance. so ill gamble with my life for health benefits and to finish my education.
its not all bad. i do want to be bad ass. be proud of something. accomplish things i never thought i could. step out of this shitty box. learn a new way. hope for peace. expect the worst. take what i can. do my best. learn to love and be loved. or just the opposite. hate and be hated. i dont know. but here i cant stay.
the heaviness in my heart is so overwhelming. i hate to leave michael, but im doing him no good here. he'll prob never know how gut wrenching these past few years have been for me. never ending downward spiral. just when i think i cant get lower, i am proven wrong.
hiding out until i leave. no bells and whistles or good bye celebrations. quiet exit. good byes were never my thing.
i guess ill find out who my friends are. who misses me. keeps me in their thoughts. there when i return. we'll see. i have a feeling ill be even more alone. but no hard feelings. i understand. life goes on and i am insignificant.
i think about the budding romance that will end. and the lucky girl to end up with him. i know that he is much better off. my track record sucks. im not "the one" just one of many. im almost jealous of "her". and maybe ill learn lessons on how to be and find "the one". or maybe not. maybe ill just spend the rest of my days jumping all over the world. not deeply connecting with anyone. that rings truer.
uncle sam, here i come. good, the bad and the prissy. no hairdryers, make up, stilettos. no cell phones or facebook. just me, my thoughts and my country.
if anyone reads this, leave a comment or something that lets me know someone's out there.
cut off from everyone, it will be nice to see this months later. hopefully with a different outlook and a new attitude.