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Sunday, December 11, 2016

I'm back

So it's been a while.

I don't know where to start because I didn't actually end it previously. So much has transpired that I either avoided dealing with it or sharing. Some was too painful or secretive. So without going back to see what I wrote about before, I'll start with what's in my head. 

Michael will celebrate 1 yr clean on Wednesday. After 3 attempts at rehabs and sober living houses, living on the streets, burning bridges , hurting everyone in his path, he has made it thru. For one year. 

The kid has lost so much. A couple days ago, we buried his best friend. His brother. Sean never got clean. He died alone on SEPTAs El platform with no dignity. I knew this kid. Well. He stayed with us often growing up. He was a sweet, gentle kid. Michael loved him more than family. I saw him in his open casket. I'll never shake it. The pain of his family and friends knowing they could do nothing but sit by and wait for Sean to live or die. I've been there. I still suffer from those feelings. Sean died. Michael is here. Heroine is bigger than all of us. It's only getting bigger. It's got our kids. It came as a harmless high from a stupid pill. Now our babies are dying alone on a cold El platform. To outsiders? They get what they deserve. Fucking worthless junkies. 

I worry that the pain is too much for Michael. He's buried a lot of friends over the past few years. More than I ever did. Sean seems too much to handle. Even tho they couldn't be side by side the last year due to Michael being clean, I learned that they spoke regularly. For hours at a time. That love was pure. Heroine couldn't rob them of that. It's a very sad time. 

Life after deployment...
 Well so many things have taken place. I got married right before I left for the Middle Easy. Got divorced as soon as I got home. That's all I'm going to say about that. 
I bought an "investment" property in Philly which I am lovingly referring to as my Money Pit Retirement Plan. 
17 days after I bought this place I got called to Active Duty. Not temporary. It's permanent. I now live in a DC suburb paying a mortgage and rent. Fingers crossed my Philly spot gets a tenant soon. 
Dating has been a trip. I think I can no longer care if a dude is in my life or not. I'm pretty sure that's a sad thing. Who knows? I've seen some shit in this lifetime that makes something like a love life seem so trivial. I am way too fucked up. Way more than before and I have always been fucked up. I am different in many ways. I don't sweat the small stuff. Some days I'm so fucking grateful and then there's days like this where all I can think about is Sean, his family, Michael's mental state, and me being in MD. Where would a man fit in there? I wish my ex wasn't such a complete asshole. His drunk has gotten to a point where his anger is always on the surface. I am the brunt of that anger. I never knew when and what would set it off. There was never an apology. To this day he believes I deserved all of it. I didn't. Nobody deserves it. We are cut from the same cloth. When it was good? It was perfect. When it was bad, it was catastrophic. The last 3 years it was rarely good. I accepted it. I was dealing with a junkie kid. I would take an hour of good times to escape a tormented existence. I took a lot of abuse because I was already so low. Those scars are up front and in your face. He was the first person I contacted about Sean. He knew him too. He has been checking on Michael. Checking on me. Friends are stepping up in my absence. Michael is being so bombarded with support, he has no time to respond to everyone with 1 full time job, full time student, and a part time gig in between there. 

My birthday is in 2 days. I have no plan. No celebration. It will most likely go unnoticed except for the FB shout outs. I will be working a high profile case in Crystal City where nobody knows me. I will quietly turn 44. Take the metro back to my posh crib and put myself to bed. I will probably cry. Not for something as silly as growing older, but for all the things that have taken place in these 44 years. 

I am feeling more alone than normal lately. Even tho I have love and support. No one can relate to me. My shit is too heavy. It's crazy that just 2 weeks ago I was vocalizing about how lucky I/we are. That Xmas time we will take care of those in need because we need nothing. Now I need something. I just wish I knew what it was. 

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