Pages

Total Pageviews

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

1 August 2017

I am back to my "real" job today after 9 months working on a special project in crystal city. I do nothing special at my real job. I hate that I have no control. I can't even quit if I want. It is what it is. Hopefully I get promoted so I can beef up my check.

Hitting a groove in the DMV. It's not like I'm not struggling with the anxiety. It seems to be worse, but I am actively taking steps to fix it. I've had enough. It's not normal and I need to figure it out. Quality of life depends on it.

Michael is kicking ass. Doing well. Being a great man. I am so proud, but I still don't sleep. Any news of anyone's struggles and I take it on. I see my shrink in 3 days. I am just going to be honest. Stop hiding that sometimes for no reason at all, I am in full blown panic. It's not fun.

What is fun? I've met some great people in less than a year here. I've been offered opportunities, saw some stuff. Military friends come thru D.C.. random visits from favorite people. I've also learned how to navigate the city/metro all by myself. It gives me confidence that no matter where my next duty station is? I'll own that shit too.

Dating... it's been interesting. Most interesting part? Because everyone comes thru here? It is headquarters for so many different Gov agencies. So, right now I am in the beginning of something with men from Washington state, northern cali, southern cali, Baltimore, westchester Pa, and northern va. No one directly in my back yard. All decent dudes, with very interesting lives and much to offer. I am very clear about what I don't want. Who knows what I do? But I will not be in another position with a vampire. It is now and will be for the remainder of my life, about me. It's either a give and take or it's a no. I am either 1st or nothing. I love my solo life. I really do. Everybody knows it.

I am told by all of them how there is no doubt that I have a wall. No shit! I should. One man said he doesn't mind taking the time to remove one brick at a time. That's sweet. We'll see. I want to be softer. Not needy but appreciative. I want to somehow portray that I would like someone in my life, but I'm not sure I believe it. I literally walk in my place, take off my clothes, and sit around in my underwear. I don't want to change that. Ever. I workout. Watch stupid tv. Lay by the pool. Leave headphones in. I am content.

Love the people in my life. The boy is happy and healthy. I make a difference on the daily. Just this friggin anxiety needs to get under wraps so I can finally enjoy my life, not just exist. It's been a long road. Time to live.

No comments:

Post a Comment