another thanksgiving means more reflection. i am so happy. really happy. i still have struggles like everyone else, but i have so much to be greatful for. i focus on the good, the goals, and the love.
my boy is growing into a man. he's had some struggles, more like life lessons that have made him smarter and stronger. still a way to go before he gets it. he's on his way. i can be his safe place to land, but these are his lessons. some i learned long ago. life isnt easy. nothing worth wild is handed to you. the harder you work to get something, the bigger the reward. he's gonna be alright. he'll stumble, but not fall. brush himself off and figure it out. failure is not an option. mistakes are part of the process. he knows what he doesnt want in life and that is half the battle. i love his face and his sensitive heart. i wish he never left me. lived with me forever. do this crazy journey thru life together. laughing, dancing, learning, and accomplishing together.
still in the best relationship of my life. 2 thanksgivings together. now, we've spent many together in our youth, but not like this. 2 summers, 2 thanksgivings, soon to be 2 birthdays and xmas. time goes by fast. he truley is my best friend. we are a team. we work together to be happy. support each other and keep it moving. we have so much respect for each other. i want to see him smile not just exist like in our previous lives. getting thru the day to get to the next. no joy. just survival. going thru the motions. we have made the decision to live. not just exist. old deamons creep in. ghosts of the past that fucked us up on the way. sometimes we have to take a minute and realize that's not us. work in progress.
40 is coming!!!! woo hoo! getting old is a privledge some never get. i'm not struggling with it, i'm celebrating it. running of the santas, LA, huge dinner with friends when i return. i will have my baby and my boo along with friends who've become family. how blessed am i? life is good. i cant believe i got here.
there have been times in my life where i didnt want to wake up. i used to pray to whatever god would listen to have the pain end. i felt worthless. i just didnt want to breathe anymore. suicide was not an option when youre a mom. the questions your kid is plagued with after is not fair to them. a lifetime of wondering what they coud have done to prevent it.
a freak accident, terminal illness, or act of random violence was all i wished for. too many dark days with no end. bad people who used it to their advantage. one kick to the gut after another.no where to turn. all alone with the weight to carry. but i smiled. faked the funk. often the pain would knock me to my knees. i cried a lot. just when i thought i couldnt hurt anymore a brand new hurt made its way in. i'd like to forget those times, but if i didnt have them would i be as happy as i am now? would i even know how lucky i am? ive been to hell and i won. i have a calm to me now. peace in what is. i focus on what i have and how i can hold on to it.
i only have tears of joy now. when my eyes fill up, its out of sheer happiness. that hurt is gone. i just wish there were more hours in the day. i never have enough time. sometimes life is nonstop. hard to stop and smell the roses. but look at the alternative. my work makes a difference, i have very close relationships with amazing people, i accomplish crazy things, and everything is new.
next time i make an entry, most likely will be after the 40! entering this chapter with wide eyes and an open heart.
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