negativity

i noticed my posts for the last year have not been fun or funny. that isnt me. but truth be told, i just struggled with the worst year of my life. and a bunch of ass holes around me didnt help.

what i never mentioned during all my rants and tales of woe, was the most gut wrenching thing. i didnt want to write about it because then it was too real to put in black n white. also, people do not understand and will judge. throw accusations and blame when really if you know anything about it, or have dealt with it yourself, you would know we cant cause, cure or control it.

my son is a recovering addict.

everything was in chaos. i dealt with it like any mother would. i tried to scream it out, barter it out, bribe it out. i held him thru a detox. nursed him back to health. believed his lies. cried myself to sleep, if i slept at all. i prayed when i knew there was no one paying attention. i trolled the streets looking for him. i tried everything. even believed his lies when i knew he was lying. not my baby. everybody experiments. this is just a phase. he will just stop.

not even close.

he lost everything.

school, family, friends, every single belonging. he robbed us. all of us. grandparents, even great grandparents and an 11 yr old's piggy bank. stared us in the face and told us "it wasnt me". until that last straw when i faced him with prison or rehab. he finally broke. knowing he was now homeless. no where to turn. i had threatened every last family member that if they "helped" him in anyway, they will have me to deal with. surprisingly, they all complied. they all love him so much they wanted him back.

that night, september 9th, he checked into a 30 day program at 2am, one day after i had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. after spending 10 hours getting him there. i remember every second of that day. i slept for the first time that night.

let me tell you how he got there.

mutha, fucking, evil, opiates. it is an epidemic. what i have learned through this unwanted learning process, is that our young, educated men are being stolen from us. they are no match. as michael will openly tell you, it was literally overnight. one day he was trying percocet, the next thing he knew he couldnt function without it. but it had progressed so quickly. a simple perc went to oxys. he smoked them. i didnt even know that was possible.

when i stayed with him through his first detox, i was stupid enough to think the worst was over. the opiate withdraw is not days, its months. after the flu, and the pain, comes the insomnia that is relentless. he would beg me for nyquil or anything so he could just go to sleep. i refused him. i explained that he needs to do this on his own. what we learned is he couldnt. oh, by the way. that is how i spent my mothers day weekend.

he got it at his 30 day program. he made friends that he "loved" in days. sadly, most of them are already using, dead, or back in a program. he has no circle of friends anymore. he was the most popular kid always in his old life. he went to a sober living house that i funded. it was for men 18-24. a gorgeous 100 yr old mansion. take a guess of who occupied it. all white, college educated, (some ivy league), middle class, smart, loving, good kids. same boat as my boy.

the house was very strict. no fucking around. perfect place for him. except he couldnt tell them jesus christ was his lord and savior. he couldnt just play the game. michael left there after 6 weeks to be in a roommate situation with kids he knew from rehab. 3 guesses how that works out. 2 out of the 4 fell off the wagon, big time. michael was in a panic. what belongings he had left were boarded up in the house when they were evicted due to the rent not being paid in 3 months. all the while, he is keeping me posted, holding down his job, and keeping upbeat.

we get to the here and now. we are "roommates". im trying to make him a more responsible man. still has his job. clean, just for today, but that's it. back to playing video games. isolates and reads books, (not a bad thing). but not growing. just existing. still entitled which is where my struggle comes in. yeah, im proud of him for staying clean, but he cannot just do the one day at a time sitting on my couch. its time he starts living again.

my anxiety has not let up for one second. when his phone is off, i freak. when he goes to the store, i worry he'll run into someone. i have PTSD from this and it is very real. i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy the pain i went through watching my son dying. but bringing everyone down with him. being a complete piece of shit you wouldnt stop to piss on if he was on fire.

i talked to no one and still dont. my relationship suffered because i was alone in dealing with it while i was with someone. that feels 10xs more alone then actually being alone. the ex wife dumping the kids on us more and more. i didnt want to be with the kids!!! im a fucking mess. we never bounced back. we most likely never will.

so if all my posts in 2013 we on the negative tip, this is why. during all my other annoyances and break downs, i was dealing with this. still do. every second of every day. i took offense to ass holes contributing to my hard time. i was fighting for my boys life and my own sanity. my son got his life, im pretty sure what little bit of sanity i had is long gone.

we had a long talk tonight. i tried to make him understand what effects this had on me. how i dont know how to get back to happy. how i need him to behave in certain ways so i dont suspect the worst. how, yeah, being clean for 6 months is awesome, but that isnt enough. i understand he has to start all over and its scary. but he has to start. he is young and gorgeous, and smart, and sensitive, and compassionate. i shouldnt be the only person to know this.

side note... FDA has just approved a stronger opiate to release on the market. if there is no conspiracy, why stronger dosage<