Last Half

I completed another Half Marathon in Wildwood Nj. My time was bad, of course I'm hurting today, but reality was not part of the weekend. 

I found us a house close to the boardwalk and start line. We had family dinner, rode some rides, bar hopped, and all made it across the finish line. Friendships were made, there were some "good byes", lots of laughs, and no mention of my life and hardships. 

I needed this escape. I felt good the entire time. Except the actual running part. That sucks. The reason for this being my last? I knew 2 weeks ago, after running the Broad Street Run, that it is time for me to check my ego and face the facts. I'm too old for this. Shit hurts. Not just the normal pain you get from working out, bone/ joint pain. Recovery takes longer. My performance ain't what it used to be.I love the bonding, but the bragging rights go away when each run takes longer and longer to cross that line.  

Here I am. Back in my bed. Dreading my life and what tomorrow brings. Waiting for these meds to take effect. I was told 2 weeks to 30 days. 2 more days to reach 2 weeks. I can't imagine what they'll do. I was always against drugs. Believed I was supposed to feel everything. 2 docs disagree. No one is supposed to feel this pain 24-7. My hair is turning grey over night. My worry lines get deeper by the minute. I have no plans for the future. I don't care about tomorrow. Just exist one second at a time. I wish sometimes I wouldn't wake up. I had a good life. Key word being "had". If this is how my remaining days are going to pan out? There's no point in this. I am just taking up space.