Bitter Sweet

Yesterday I had my Bucknell interview. After it was done I was thrown immediately into depression. My chest is so tight and I'm full of anxiety. While doing the internal dialogue I was trying to break it down. If I get chosen for this, my life will be drastically different and I have to get it in gear.
< 1st, I have to take my finals early because I have to go away to Wisconsin for the Army in May. If I get this Bucknell spot, I will have to go straight to Lewisburg Pa as soon as I get home. I don't have a plan for the dog. < 2nd I have submitted my Mobilization packet to do a 365 day tour in Afghanistan starting Aug 1. That would mean immediately following the Bucknell summer program, I will be shipped to the sandbox. Again, I have no plan for the dog. < 3rd If I successfully complete the Bucknell Summer program, my full ride would start in the fall of 2013. As soon as I got off the plane, I would move to Lewisburg for 2 years. That is 3 full years. I'm having a panic attack. I can't think of the benefits if all this plays out. I can only think of the downside. That is not me. I see blessings in nothing. For some reason, this is all feeling like a curse. I can kiss my relationship good bye. Even though we discussed it, I don't see how we can sustain this for 3 years. It's not fair to him. We did discuss anything he does while I'm gone is not cheating. I'm not a jealous chick, and it is unrealistic to believe he would be "faithful". I would never ask him to do that. That would be stupid. I do think it will be impossible for him not to fall for someone more available. I can't blame him. I made these choices, he didn't. As much as it hurts, I can't make decisions on feelings. Nothing good ever comes from that. I have my own future to think about. Retirement. Security. Education. Accomplisments and bragging rights. It looks like it will be a solo ride. When these options were presented, it seemed as if everything would be perfect if I could make the time line work. I didn't count on heartache. We were together yesterday and I was more than quiet. I didn't even tell him about my interview because I didn't want to open the dialogue. I just told him I was tired and avoided the whole subject. It's his BDay week. Not the time for un-fun stuff. All the plans I have made for myself, didn't include a plus 1. I just need to hope for the best and expect the worst. Who knows? Maybe they will go with someone else for the program? This is a big possibility. They only take 12 students and I counted 30 packets on the table and there are 2 days of interviews. So? On to the next. Dancing all weekend celebrating his birthday. I'll save the bullshit for Monday.